This was written when season six began so it was my take on the whole soulless mess before I know Sam was actually soulless…

So let's just say this is AU then I can do what the hell with it. Reviews appreciated. There is a chapter two; you'll get that when I feel you deserve it.

Unbeta'd

Sam had caught Dean looking when he'd been getting undressed and he wondered why that filled him with a strange sense of pleasure. His heart had skipped a beat when he'd realised that Dean's eyes had been lingering a little too long on his little brother's naked torso. Dean had looked away then and Sam pulled a t-shirt on. Something in Sam felt like he should test this, he didn't know why. He'd been through enough that his head wasn't telling him that pursuing his brother was as wrong as it possibly should have been.

They'd spent most of their lives in each other's pockets, Sam worshipped Dean. Even now, even when he was soft and unpracticed, not the hunter Sam had once known. He couldn't help but feel that there was something different about their relationship, Sam was finding it hard to get through to Dean, to explain to him that hunting with the Campbells, family, was great.

Sam had missed Dean a lot but he was sure he'd made the right decision in letting him have a life with Lisa. Sam had been jealous that Dean had Lisa but never once had Sam thought that Dean could have both. Sam had always known that as soon as he came back, showed Dean that he was alive that Dean would be willing to leave Lisa and come hunting with him.

He respected Dean for struggling with it as much as he had but ultimately Dean had chosen Sam and the life of a hunter over Lisa. Sam felt a pang of guilt but then decided that he couldn't really care too much because he had Dean back and that was all that really mattered. Still, it seemed that Dean was reluctant and a little bit cold. There was none of the affection that had been there before. The mere thought of that tore Sam's heart in two. He knew full well that he'd made mistakes, he just wished that Dean could forgive him.

Maybe Dean blamed him for dragging him from Lisa or maybe Dean was holding a grudge because Sam hadn't come to Dean as soon as he'd climbed out of the cage. Sam hoped that he and Dean could talk about this but Sam knew that Dean would ask questions about what he'd been through and Sam didn't want to talk about it. He didn't need to talk about it. He'd had a year to struggle through it in his head and that had been enough.

Dean had looked for him, struggled with his death and Sam had been there all along. Sam hated that Dean thought that he just hadn't bothered, hadn't cared enough to let his brother know that he was all right. That wasn't the case, in fact it couldn't be further from the truth. Sam hadn't contacted Dean because he didn't want to ruin the apple-pie life he was finally able to build.

Sam had to forget about Dean, he'd got on with hunting. He was so absorbed in it that he only thought about Dean on the darkest, quietest of nights when he wished that he was in a motel somewhere with his big brother on the bed next to him. There was a hole in his heart that only Dean could fill which is why Sam jumped at the chance when he knew he'd have to save Dean from the Djinn.

Dean would be back on track soon but things were never going to be the same. Both of them had changed. Dean was gentler, something Sam had no doubt been bringing out in all the time they'd been hunting, it had just been tipped by Lisa. Sam was more ruthless, he'd seen enough to know that the world, heaven and hell were all shit places. He didn't need any emotional connections, he just wanted to hunt, kill, salt and burn.

But now that Dean was here Sam felt himself relax into his own skin, having Dean around brought back memories good and bad and yet he couldn't help but put on the pretence that he didn't really care about anyone but himself. He needed to show Dean that he was strong and that the cage hadn't affected him. But Sam felt like he was pushing Dean away and as much as he wanted to talk to his brother he wasn't sure he could.

Maybe if Sam just waited this out Dean would stop wanting answers, would stop pining for Lisa and things would go back to normal.