A message from me!
Hello everyone! This is my first fanfic thing. Please read it and review it. I will probably change this because I wrote this whole thing in about thirty minutes when I was bored. Oh, by the way, in case you thought I owned anything connected to Artemis Fowl – I don't! And now for:
Reality TV : Lower Elements Style
Meeting Room, Channel ROK headquarters
No many people knew where the Channel ROK headquarters were and those who did would be killed if they told anyone else. The Boss of Channel ROK was almost as paranoid as the centaur, Foaly, if less intelligent. At this moment in time, The Boss was sitting behind his chair, gazing at a painting of ducks. No one had ever seen his face – it was rumored that he wore a paper bag over his head when he went out. Seated at a long table were five elves. Don Eferk, a former reporter for the Channel ROK news, sat next to Jane, Gerald and Pat.
"Ratings are down by twenty six percent," Jane informed the assembled fairies.
"Yeah," Pat agreed, "Maybe we need to move out of reality TV and make a new soapie or something."
"No." The boss said, "Reality TV shows are going well for the other stations. What we need is a new angle. I have an idea."
Gerald sat up straighter. No doubt this idea would involve a big pay rise.
Commander Root's Office, Police Plaza. Haven, The Lower Elements
Commander Julius Root was contentedly smoking a fungal cigar in his office. As he exhaled a cloud of toxic green smoke he reflected over the events of the day. First, a few of his best officers had teamed up together to capture a whole bunch of dwarves illegally traveling to Disneyland, Paris. During the course of the day a total of twelve trainee techies had been in and out of his office checking a new computer system and he'd managed to yell at all of them, dock five lots of pay and threaten to fire about seven people, including Foaly, who had implyed that 'Julius' was as dumb as a goblin. Finally, Mulch Diggums was locked up, soon to be taken to court and convicted of several crimes. Aaah, it had been a successful day. And Root was almost at the end of his shift. There was a knock at the door.
"Come in!" Root yelled. No doubt it was another fool he could shout at.
"Julius!" A middle aged elf had come in through the door. Bad move. No one but a few close friends and Root's mother called Root 'Julius'.
"TO YOU, CIVILIAN, I AM COMMANDER ROOT. DO YOU NOT HAVE ANY RESPECT FOR THOSE WHO ARE OF A HIGHER STATUS TO YOU, YOU LAZY, GOOD FOR NOTHING, RUDE, FAIRY?" Screamed Root, delighted to have someone new to shout at.
"S-sorry Root. C-commander. S-sir." The elf stammered. He held out a form. "I'm from-"
"NEVERMIND THAT JUST GIVE ME THE FORM AND WHEN I GIVE IT BACK TO YOU GET YOUR BACKSIDE OUT OF MY OFFICE!" Root signed the form without reading it. Probably just another order for shuttle parts, he reasoned.
Let this be a lesson to all of you reading at home. Never sign forms without reading them first. Or something extremely bad might happen.
Police Plaza. Captain Short's Cubicle.
Captain Holly Short was shooting paper into the bin in her cubicle.
"Yes! Three points!" She added it to her score of 104. It was sad, she knew that, but when she didn't need to track anything or do any paper work what else was there to was do? Nothing, that's what. The intercom system crackled to life.
"Commander Root, Captain Kelp, Captain Short, Corporal Kelp, Private Verbil, Mulch Diggums and Foaly. Report to Situations Booth ASAP. That is all."
Holly was surprised. What under earth did they need her AND Trouble for? And how could Chix help? Unless they needed to scare off lots of girls she doubted he would be useful. Holly was curious. She decided to go to Situations without asking Root for confirmation. Mistake. Big one.
Detaining Cell, Police Plaza
Mulch Diggums was, once again, in trouble with the goblins. At this present moment he was suspended between the shoulders of two large goblins as a third one prepared to flame him with a fireball.
"Now, fairies, can't we settle this in a way that doesn't involve me getting hurt?"
The goblins let him go while they considered their answer. The intercom crackled to life.
"Commander Root, Captain Kelp, Captain Short, Corporal Kelp, Private Verbil, Mulch Diggums and Foaly. Report to Situations Booth ASAP. That is all."
Mulch banged on the bars of the cell.
"Hey! Let me out! I'm not supposed to be here! I'm Mulch Diggums!"
An officer handcuffed him and led him out. "Convict, you are to come straight back after going to the Situations booth. And don't steal anything."
"Of course not," smiled Mulch innocently, fingering the wallet he'd taken from the cop.
Police Plaza. Situations Room.
In the situations room the, er, situation was very different.
"Hey! What are you doing?" Yelled Holly as a large female pixie slopped make-up on her face.
"You look gorgeous, darl," said the pixie, "NEXT!"
Commander Root was pushed roughly onto the chair.
"Hey! What the hell?" He protested, "I never- What? NO, NOT BLUSH! D'ARVIT! GET THE D'ARVIT-"
Meanwhile, Foaly was parading around with a fat suit on.
"Hello civilians, my name is Commander Root, I am dumb and stupid," said the centaur in a deep, low voice.
"Foaly, dumb and stupid mean the same thing," Holly noted, watching with some amusement on her face.
"Whatever." The centaur continued with his monologue. "I smoke and my face is red. My name is Julius and I didn't change it because I am g-" He had just noticed the commander. "They made me do it! Don't fire me! I'm indispensable! Please don't hurt me!"
Sheryl was not happy. Root's face kept getting redder and redder no matter how much powder she put on it. She slapped on more powder in frustration. A large gnome entered the room.
"Hurry up, fairies. We're on in five."
"What the d'arvit is going on here?" Asked Trouble Kelp.
"You know, the reality TV show."
"WHAT?"
"I have the commander's signature right here! He has signed this official document, enabling us to include you in our reality TV show. Legally, you are obliged to participate."
Everyone in the room turned and looked at Commander Root. He gulped.
"Well, you know. I didn't realize-"
"Julius!" groaned Mulch.
"Why you little- MY NAME IS COMMANDER ROOT! FUTHERMORE IF YOU DON'T STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT, I WILL DOCK YOUR PAY FOR A COUPLE OF CENTUARIES!"
"5-4-3-2-1, you're on," said the gnome, pushing them onto the stage.
Police Plaza. Auditorium Stage.
"Hello and welcome to Reality TV – Lower Elements Style!" crooned the former reporter with a large quiff, "I am your host, Don Eferk, and here are your contestants!"
Spotlights illuminated four of the contestants at various stages of trying to sneak off stage. Holly was not there, having had the sense to get away while the stage was still dark. The two who had not attempted to run away were enthusiastic. Chix Verbil was blowing kisses at various girls in the audience and Foaly was prancing around the stage.
"Everyone is cheering for me!" he said, "Finally I'm getting the recognition I deserve!"
"Introducing Julius Root!" Don Eferk announced, gesturing towards the Commander.
Julius turned an exotic, deep purple colour.
"Trouble Kelp."
Trouble blushed shyly.
"Holly Short."
Holly was escorted back on stage by two security guards.
"Grub Kelp."
Grub waved at the camera. "Hi, Mummy! I'm on TV!"
"Chix Verbil."
Chix blew more kisses.
"Mulch Diggums."
Mulch stopped eating through the stage, and waved.
"Aaand finally Foaly!"
Foaly waved. "Up yours Opal Koboi!" He yelled.
"Now for our special guests…."
Holly groaned. Who would it be? She hated cheesy reality TV shows and their trashy celebrity guests.
"Fresh from the land of mud we have Artemis Fowl!"
Artemis appeared, confused, on stage. "Amazing," he mused, "transportation technology."
"Butler!"
Butler appeared, assessed the situation and ran in front of Artemis, holding out his Sig Sauer. Security trolls leapt on him and took the gun away.
"And finally, Juliet Butler!"
Juliet appeared. "What the hell?" she asked, looking around.
"Now for the rules! There will be nine rounds to this contest, the ultimate reality TV test. In each round, the viewers at home vote for who they think should leave and the person with the most votes gets kicked off. Remember, Haven residents, the outcome of this show is in your hands! And now for the first round……"