Hi Everyone! This is another one shot that I randomly thought of last week; it's actually inspired by a song from the musical Hamilton called, "It's Quiet Uptown." It's a sad song, I know, but I thought of Michonne during certain parts of the song. I'm really hoping we'll get a scene where Michonne tells Rick about Andre soon, but as of now, here is my interpretation. Enjoy!
Michonne stepped out on the back porch of their home, closing the door behind her, and walked over to the railing. The dark night sky was filled with tiny dots of stars and the bright moon illuminating its bright light across the yard. It was a chilly night and she instantly wished she had brought out a sweater to shield herself from the cool breeze.
She inhaled as she crossed and rubbed her arms in an attempt to warm herself. It was quiet nights like this where she liked to step away from everything and everyone to have a moment to herself, and reflect. It was something she did every so often, when she felt the weight on her shoulders and heart too heavy to carry on.
She never liked the quiet before. Before the change in the world, there was always something going on, noise in the background or something to do. She used to hate the deafening sound of silence. It made her feel lonely.
After the turn, however, her opinion changed. She enjoyed her quiet time now. It was a time to get away to just turn off her brain and think back to cherish the memories of before. To remember her Andre so she would never forget.
There are moments that the words don't reach
There is suffering too terrible to name
You hold your child as tight as you can
And push away the unimaginable
The moments when you're in so deep
It feels easier to just swim down
Michonne closed her eyes and exhaled as the memories of her precious little boy came rushing to her. The time went by so fast. One minute he was there, the next he was-
No, she thought as she tightly gripped the railing in front of her, attempting to stop her mind and memory to go any further. One rule she had made to herself when she first started her quiet time was to not think of those last days. She didn't want to revisit it. She couldn't revisit because she didn't want to remember him like that. He was her little peanut- smart, caring and funny. Those were the memories she wanted to remember him by.
Inside of the house, she could hear laughter, most likely from Carl as he played hide and seek with Judith in the living room. Michonne smiled at the thought of the two children. They brought her back from the darkness she had collapsed in after Andre died. They gave her the family she was missing. Carl and Judith would never replace Andre and she would never replace Lori, but they gave her a second chance to live the moments she would miss with Andre. For that, she would forever be grateful.
And Rick- her intimate relationship with him was something new. For so long, she had closed that part of herself, not wanting to open up to anybody. She shielded her heart in the fear that she would be let down again, especially after Mike. He disappointed and hurt her in the most awful way. She couldn't imagine going through an ordeal like that again, but with Rick, it was different. He knew what he wanted and would do anything to protect his own, even if it meant ripping out another guy's throat. The man put himself on the line for his family and she loved that about him.
Being with Rick allowed Michonne to open up to her feelings more. There were nights when they would just lay in each other's arms and talk for hours, enjoying the other's presence and the closeness that came with it. They spoke of their lives before the turn of the world and what their dreams were. All of it seemed silly and weird, but it was their way of moving forward in the hopes that they could bring those dreams into the new world, to show their family that there was a will to live and to fight on.
While Rick was more than comfortable to talk about everyone in his life prior to the turn, including Lori and Shane, Michonne, however, kept one person out of her narrative.
She knew that she needed to tell him. Part of her did want to tell him, but the other part of her simply was not ready. While she had already let Rick, Carl and Judith into her heart, there was still a piece of the wall there, shielding away the lost life that only Carl knew about.
She hadn't spoken of his name since the day she told Carl, after the prison had fallen. While it was painful to say his name out loud, it gave her some peace to be able to tell Carl about Andre. The young boy was wise and comforted her. The thought of telling Rick about him though? It terrified her. She knew that when she would tell him, he would officially have every part of her, including her whole heart and there would be no turning back. She was certain she loved him and he loved her, but she feared his response to it all. How would he react? Would he look at her differently after finding out she couldn't protect her own?
Look at where we are
Look at where we started
I know I don't deserve you
But hear me out. That would be enough
The door opened behind her. She quickly wiped her face, even though it was void of any tears in hopes of whoever it was would not notice the somber look she had on. As the door slowly closed, she could feel the connection in the air and instantly knew who it was without turning around to confirm.
"Michonne?" that Southern drawl filled the air around her, causing her heart to beat just a little bit faster. She loved to hear him say her name.
He walked up beside her and, noticing that she had stiffened when he got closer, carefully placed a hand on her shoulder.
"You okay?" he asked. Judging from the concern in his voice, she knew that this brow was furrowed and eyes were filled with worry. Worried that something was amiss after she had slipped out with no warning after their family dinner.
She turned her head away from him. She didn't want him to see her like this, weak and vulnerable. She needed to be strong for the both of them. He had already been through so much; someone needed to hold the other up. They both couldn't afford to both be down at the moment, not when the community needed them the most. She couldn't break; not now, not ever.
But as he continued to stand there, staring at her, she could feel pieces of her began to break away. One by one, the remaining wall that she had put up between her past and present was beginning to fall apart. Tears sprung to her eyes as she exhaled a shaking breath.
"I had a son," she said quietly.
They were both quiet for a few moments as they took in the weight of the confession. She silently prayed that he wouldn't be upset with her for keeping the secret from him for so long, but she had to do so on her own terms.
So why did she decide to tell him now?
She finally realized, at that moment, she didn't have to go through this alone. Rick was there; he was always there and would continue to be. If they were to have a future together, he deserved to know this part of her, no matter his reaction.
I don't pretend to know
The challenges we're facing
I know there's no replacing what we've lost
And you need time
Rick opened his mouth to say something but was at a loss for words. Memories of his time with Michonne flashed through his mind as his hand that was on her shoulder moved to the small of her back, pulling her to him. He wrapped his arms around her as she rested her head on his chest. The close contact caused the tears that Michonne had been holding in to flow.
He had just started to rub her back when she pulled away from him. She wiped the tears from her face. After a couple of seconds, she glanced back up at him. He was looking at her, patiently.
"I know," he admitted softly. She tilted her head in question. "I see things, Michonne. The way you are with Carl and Judith, of course I knew that you had a child. I just didn't want to bring it up. I wanted you to come to me when you were ready."
She gave a little laugh. Of course he knew; he was good at reading people. "Once a mother, always a mother," she whispered.
Rick reached out and placed a comforting hand on her arm. "Why didn't you tell me?"
Michonne sighed, shaking her head. "It's not exactly easy to talk about. I was scared you would look at me differently."
Rick frowned slightly. "There is no way that I would have looked at you differently. If anything, it makes me adore you even more. The fact that you were able to carry on afterwards, it's- it's something that I would not have been able to do."
Rick glanced away. He couldn't imagine the pain she went- and was currently- going through. She was going through the unimaginable, but yet still found a way to be strong for them, his family. Their family. This made him love her even more then he already did. She was a warrior but she needed someone to be strong for her at times.
"What was his name?"
She smiled fondly, her eyes glazed with tears. "Andre. He was three years old." She hesitated for a second before continuing on. "I was on a run and left Andre at the camp Mike and his best friend, Terry. I came back and everyone was….gone. I knew as I was walking towards the tent that he was gone; I just had a feeling."
She paused, sniffling and wiping tears away from her eyes. Never before had she cried in front of Rick and she hoped she didn't look too weak or vulnerable. Rick rubbed her arm, encouraging her to go on.
"I was angry at Mike for a long time afterwards, at how careless he was. He didn't accept that the world had changed and that this was the new way to live; it's like he just gave up. Yet, at the same time, I still loved him, even after the shit he put me through, because of our son. Andre was our precious gift to each other and I will always love him for that.
Forgiveness, can you imagine?
Forgiveness, can you imagine?
"Forgiveness came later, once I found the love here," she pointed to him, her vision blurry from the tears. "It made it easier to live and go on to the point where I could finally move on and be happy."
He cupped her cheek in his hand, his thumb gently wiping away the tear streaks that were left behind. He looked her in the eyes, his intense blue eyes filling hers with love and understanding.
"You don't have to do this alone."
Michonne smiled, her heart grateful for him. She reached up and rested her hand on his. "I know that now. Telling you about Andre has been therapeutic; it feels good to be able to say his name again out loud."
"Maybe you can tell me some stories about him later," Rick suggested, hoping he wasn't jumping too far ahead, not knowing if she was fully at that point yet. "Whenever you're ready."
"I will." She turned back towards the yard, her eyes sweeping across the lush green grass and the flower bed she and Judith had started a couple of months ago. She imagined Andre running around, playing with Judith and Carl, with her and Rick watching. His laughter rung in her ears; still the sweetest sound she had ever heard.
A cool breeze came through, nature wrapping her in its arms, comforting her and assuring her that he was okay. That she would be okay. She had Rick to lean on if challenges ever got the best of her. As long as he was by her side, she would be fine.
"I think he would have like it up here," she whispered.
Rick pulled her towards him and kissed her forehead then rested his chin on the top of her head as he engulfed her in his arms. "I think so, too."
Lyrics used: "It's Quiet Uptown" by Lin-Manuel Miranda