Momma Had a Chicken
A Cow and Chicken fanfic by Patworx
Author's Note: This oneshot is very disturbing. Don't say you weren't warned. Also, my misspelling of the word, 'colonel' is intentional.
It was late at night, and Mom was reading a book in the living room. She was getting tired, and was about to finish reading and go to bed. That all changed, however, when Chicken walked into the living room and came up to her. She glanced up from her book and noticed Chicken staring at her with a questioning look in his eyes.
"What's wrong, honey? What are you doing out of bed so late?" she asked her orange-beaked son.
"I couldn't sleep Mom," sighed Chicken. "Something's been on my mind all day and I just can't stop thinking about it."
Mom sat her book down on the arm of her chair and turned to face Chicken.
"What's going on, Chicken? What's been keeping your mind preoccupied all day?"
Chicken started to blush through his feathers. "Well . . . in school today, the teacher told us where babies come from."
Mom picked up her book again and tried to hide her face with it.
"Chicken," she said, "this is really the kind of discussion you should be having with your father."
"I know, but there's just something I don't get and I think you might be able to clear things up."
"Well, what is it?"
"I just doesn't make sense, Mom. I mean, if a kid is supposed to be a mix of both his parents, then why am I a chicken when you and Dad are both humans?"
Mom had been dreading this day ever since Chicken was born. She tried to ignore that dread, but deep down in her heart she knew that one day Chicken would learn about the birds and the bees and would ask her how he could possibly be a chicken. When that happened, she would have no choice but to tell him the story of how he was conceived and who his real father is.
"Take a seat, Chicken," she said softly.
Chicken did what he was told and sat in the seat next to hers.
"Okay Chicken, before we go any further you have to promise me you will never repeat I'm about to tell you to anyone. Especially not your father."
Chicken shrugged. "Sure, mom. Whatever."
"I MEAN IT YOU LITTLE BASTARD!" Mom yelled. "IF YOU TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS I WILL RING YOUR FUCKING THROAT AND BOIL YOU INTO SOUP FOR TOMORROWS DINNER!"
"Okay, okay Mom, I get it!" Chicken assured her.
Mom cleared her throat.
"It all started ten years ago . . ."
It was the opening night for Kernal Hiney's Chicken Shack. Kernal Hiney himself was preparing for the busy night as he walked into the kitchen, his bare red ass hanging out in the breeze. He walked to the counter and stared greedily at a plump, juicy chicken who was scared for his life. This chicken was no ordinary chicken; he was the prime chicken of the night. For months, Kernal Hiney had been giving him special hormones to make him bigger and more flavorful, for Hiney had chosen him to be the main attraction of this particular evening. He was just going to merely sell this chicken like he would all the others; that would be way too easy. Instead, he was going to hold a special auction for what he would call, "the tastiest chicken in the history of mankind!" The bidding would start at a minimum of $100 and it could only go up from there. Hiney drooled as he thought of the money he could make off this beautiful chicken.
"Are you scared, little bird?" he asked sadistically. "Are you petrified? Do you feel like shitting your feathers in fear at the mere sight of me?"
"WELL THAT'S GOOD!" he screamed in the chicken's face. The chicken flinched at the sudden loudness of Hiney's voice.
Hiney continued, "I love your fear, you know. It's one of the reason's I take such great pleasure in the thought of you roasting to death in the oven. Well, that and all the moolah you're gonna make me."
He slowly reached out with his hands, picked up the chicken, and held it up to his face.
"I hope you got some lotion chickie poo," he exclaimed,"BECAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET MORE BAKED THAN A DEAD HEAD WITH CANCER!"
Seeing its chance, the chicken poked Hiney in the eye with his beak. Hiney dropped the chicken and put his hands over his eye, screaming in pain.
"MY EYE! MY FUCKING EYE!" he gasped.
By the time the pain in his eye had gone down enough for him to concentrate, he could see that the chicken was gone. He ran out into the main area of the restaurant to see that it was already half way out the door.
"COME BACK HERE YOUR LITTLE PECKER!" he screamed as he ran after it. "YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME SOME MONEY!"
Nearby in a quaint little house in the suburbs, Mom was lighting some candles as she prepared for her husband's return. Earlier that day, he had just called from work and told her he had been promoted. She decided to congratulate him by fucking his brains out when he came home. And just to make sure he enjoyed it as much as possible, she had taken some herbal Viagra to make herself twice as horny. It wasn't long before she heard Dad's car parking into the driveway.
"Perfect! He's home!" she said seductively.
Dad opened the front door and held out his arms, ready to embrace his wife. She ran toward him and squeezed him as hard as she could, all the while smothering him with kisses.
"I'M SO PROUD OF YOU, HONEY!" she yelled. "NOW GET NAKED SO I CAN FUCK YOU!"
"What?" asked Dad. "Honey, are you crazy? I've just been promoted! Now is not the time for sex!"
Mom was aghast. "Are you crazy? What else could you possibly want to do?"
"That's easy! I'm gonna go golfing with the guys," Dad replied.
Within minutes, Dad had his club in his hand and he was ready to go.
"See ya, honey!" he said as he walked out the door.
Mom was furious. She had been planning to fuck Dad all day but he would rather go golfing with his buddies. What was so great about those pricks anyway? It's not like any of them had vaginas. Unfortunately, Mom was still horny from all the herbal Viagra and she needed to fuck someone really badly. She didn't care who it was. It just had to be soon.
She went upstairs and put on her skankiest dress and tons and tons of makeup, after which she stood outside the front of her house and showed off her hot tits like a hooker searching for a client. At some point, she heard a 'bokbokbok' sound coming from the right and she turned her head to see a chicken running down the road. She quickly ran up to the chicken and picked him up.
"You're coming with me!" she yelled.
The chicken fearfully flapped his wings as she carried him into the house. Kernal Hiney ran past the house just missing him by one second.
"You're gonna make me happy tonight," Mom told the chicken tenderly. "Very . . . happy . . ."
Later that night, Dad came home from his night of golfing. As he opened the bedroom door, a chicken barging out hysterically and ran down the steps. Dad couldn't help but notice that the chicken left behind a long trail of a viscous white fluid behind it.
It's probably just birdshit, Dad thought, shrugging it off. Not giving the chicken a second thought, he changed into his pajamas and laid down beside his naked wife, not knowing she was pregnant with a chicken.
The chicken ran outside into the streets. Finally, after all he'd been through, he was free – or so he thought. As he stood in a daze, a truck came driving by and ran him over, reducing him to an insignificant pile of blood, guts, bones, and feathers. Mom found his remains the next morning.
What a shame, she thought. I loved that cock so much – and the chicken was nice too.
Chicken just sat there with his beak agape.
"So you see, Chicken," Mom explained, "that is how you were conceived, and that is why your father can never find out."
It took a while for chicken to process the whole story. When he finally did process the whole story, he fell out of his chair and on to his knees and vomited in disgust.
"S-sorry Mom," he said wiping his beak with his wing.
"That's okay, dear. I'll clean it up. Just get to bed."
Chicken did as he was told. He had nightmares, which were inspired by his Mom's story, and plagued him the entire night. Thankfully by the time the night was through, Chicken had mentally repressed any memory of the story and continued to live his life.