*WARNING: LIL M CONTENT*
*not really sure why I wrote this. it ended up somewhere random. all I wanted to write was the beginning really. the latest ep inspired this though. i figured I should post it instead of just letting it sit on my computer all useless. just know that I'm not too happy with this one…*
If Only, To Be Normal Again
Part I
There was nothing but darkness. My eyes fluttered open. A rare dreary scene met my vision. Rain pattered down all around me as I sat up and took in the familiar sight of Hester High.
I must've fallen asleep…
With the way things have been going this doesn't much surprise me.
Since it's raining, no one lingers close. Lisbeth breaks the mold, accidentally. She shuffles passed me in her rain boots, kicking water up carelessly and soaking my shoes. They're useless now and even my feet feel the moistness through the fabric of my thick and once-clean socks.
"Oh! Amy!" She says excitedly. "I didn't see you there!"
"No kidding…" I scoff. Her smile is infectious…
I often speak before remembering that some people deserve soft voices instead of hard ones.
"It's raining!" She declares.
Under my breath I suppress my natural response.
Captain Obvious, I think cruelly.
I would've said it too, if I hadn't been aware of her yet. If I had been maybe colder, less feeling on today of all days.
Lisbeth is a pleasant person. I wish I could say the same for myself.
"It was nice to see you Amy."
"You too Lisbeth," I try.
She was nice.
I wasn't.
I watch her go and allow the rain to soak me further. It's falling slow but steady. It must've woken me up.
Why am I here?
It's summer now, isn't it?
And why is it raining?
I let my eyes close.
It doesn't matter.
The rain feels right…
Part II
"Amy?!" It's Karma's voice. She sounds far away.
I pop-up from the bench.
I should be cold…
I notice this now.
"AMY?!"
Why is she yelling?
"Kar-"
*BOOM!*
A loud shot breaks the air and time slows.
I scramble up onto my knees and reach out for her though there is nothing I can do from this distance.
I've been watching her, slowly watching.
"KARRR-MAAAAA!"
I yell but it comes out slow and low. My voice is changed.
I try to move.
My body's slow too.
I move to her.
A second shot calls out, breaking the air.
I catch her as she falls. Reaching her barely, just in time to brace her fall.
The blood is everywhere.
It's everywhere.
Time speeds up.
Part III
My eyes fly open fast as I gasp and clutch my chest.
Where am I?! I want to scream!
My heart is pounding.
I'm crying.
Hard.
"Karma!" I squeak out.
"Amy?"
She's here with me. She stirs.
There's no blood at all.
"Shit," I gasp angrily. Relief washes over me. "Karma." I try to breathe but it's difficult.
I hold my chest.
"Amy, it's okay, It was just a nightmare," she says, pulling me into her and holding me close.
"Fuck," I mutter. I can feel her hand on my face But my head is on her chest and my eyes are still crying. My heart is racing, it's running a marathon. I'm sweating. I'm crying hard. It wasn't rain at all. I was sweating from the dream. "Fuck," I say again.
"It's okay," she says. "Shhhh. It's okay…" She's rocking me now.
"I'm fine," I break away. "I'm fine."
I wipe the tears and roll over.
It was just a dream.
Thank God.
Just a dream.
"What happened?" She asks. I feel her hand on my back. Everything still feels too fresh.
"Just a dream…"
"Amy, come on… That was bad…"
She doesn't know…
"I'm used to it," I lie.
"Wait? What?! How long have you been having dreams like that?!"
"I dunno…" I mutter. "A few weeks?" How long had it been since Karma spent the night continuously, cradling me in her arms? Like, before the feelings? To think of it now feels strange. We used to do it so much. Now it feels wrong.
"Amy, jesus! Are you kidding?!" She pulls me by the shoulder until I fall onto my back and she can see it in my face. My tears are fresh. My terror is real. I'm not kidding. I'm never kidding anymore. Not with her. "Fuck," she says, surveying me. I roll back away from her. "Wh-ah…" She treads lightly. "What are they about?"
I wonder if she knows already. If she knows they're about her.
"It's better if I don't say."
"No it's not."
"Yes it is."
There's silence. Too much silence.
I wish I had asked her to sleep on the couch.
She offered that much.
I thought I could take it.
Between her and that dream, I don't think I can sleep again now.
"Amy, come on. Talk to me."
"Talking doesn't help."
"What about before?"
"I still had a nightmare."
"And what about now?"
"You die…" I say desperately, the tears coming quick. I didn't want her to know. But Karma never stops.
"I …"
"Die." I repeat with my hand over my eyes. Every time it happens, it hurts even more.
"How do I die?" She asks, pulling my hand away so that her eyes can see mine. She's serious. Concerned. I can't break from her stare. It's impossible. As much as I hate it, I want her to see me.
"It's always different…" I admit.
"What happened this time?"
"Karma, I just want to forget it." The room is so dark.
"Tell me what happened."
"You got shot…"
"Amy…" She looks upset. Maybe scared. "Who shot me?"
"I couldn't see…"
Even in the dark night, I can see the relief in her.
"Did you think?"
"No, no," she's reassuring but I saw it. She actually thought…
That moment of doubt...
"Maybe you should go sleep on the couch."
"Amy…"
"I can't sleep now. Not with you here. Not after that." I sit up. I push the covers off. I move to take them.
"Is this about the dream?"
"It's about everything," I confess.
She lets me go.
I sleep on the couch.
Part IV
The morning is better. I got to sleep somehow.
Before Karma came down, Lauren and I had a moment. It was perfect. I felt happy…
We all made breakfast together. All smiled and laughed.
When Karma and Lauren left I felt sad and useless. I fell asleep again.
When I woke up it was already getting dark outside.
"Shit…"
"Are you okay?" The voice shocked me.
"Karma?! Fuck!"
"You've been sleeping all day."
"I thought you left…"
"I did but…"
"But?" She was curled up in my chair, just watching me. The light in my room was still off and she must not have cared at all that the room had already begun to get dark.
"Something's not right with you," she said.
"What was your first clue?"
"Amy, stop. This isn't funny." She came to sit by me and I felt my insides twist at the nearness of her. She moved to touched my forehead with her hand and I pulled away.
"I can feel that, ya know?"
"What?" My face must've done something.
"When I'm close to you, you change. I can feel it in every part of your body. I don't even have to touch you to know." Her hand rests on my forehead and I let her feel for the fever I do not have.
"I told you this was all too hard."
"Did you want me to kiss you last night?"
"Of course," I confess, almost angrily. What does she want me to say?
"Amy…" She takes my hand.
"Karma, just stop please. Maybe I need to be alone."
"So you can sleep away life and wake up crying alone because I'm dead?"
"You're not helping."
"I want to help."
"YOU CAN'T!"
As the breath leaves me she pulls me forward by the wrist and her lips crash down onto mine. She's kissing me. It's not like before.
What's happening?
What is this?
Fuck…
My body's on fire.
"What the hell was that?!" I ask angrily when she pulls away. Every ounce of my being is trying to fight down the pleasure.
It felt good. It felt like everything stopped and all I could feel and taste was her.
"You love me too much," she says. "I can feel it. It's fucking me up."
"You don't have to be here. I don't want you here. This isn't your problem. I can deal with this alone. It's not your problem."
"It is though. You're my problem," she says. But she doesn't mean it the way it sounds. She means: I love you…
And I can see that. I can see that in her eyes.
When she looks at me now it isn't with blame. She wants to stop it all. Wants to help me…
"Karma…"
"Amy, come on," she says. "Lets… Lets just try this." She still has me in her grasp. She wants to kiss me again but I can't let her.
"But you don't feel anything. Like you said last night. I'm your Jacob and you're his Bella and you don't feel anything."
"You're not my Jacob, Amy…"
"Who am I then?!"
"You're my Amy."
"That doesn't help at all."
"These passed few days have been really confusing, okay?" She touches my hair.
"I know," I sigh. "And that's why I'm asking you for space."
Karma sighs worriedly. "Space… What even is that? How can that help?!" She scoffs.
"I thought I could do girls night. I thought we could just hangout…"
"But?"
"But… Maybe it's too soon? Maybe I need... Time?"
"Time to what?"
"I dunno…"
"Get over me?" For the first time it almost seems like she's the one breaking instead of me.
"Karma, come on, don't…"
"That's what you mean though." She shies away. "You need time, to get over me."
"I need to try thinking about something else. Anything else." Karma turned and I knew I had hurt her. She stood and hesitated with her back towards me.
"I know this isn't your fault… But this hurts Amy…"
"It hurts me too."
More. It hurts me more…
"Which part exactly?" I ask. Why would she care if I needed to get over her?
"All of it," she turns and inches close to me.
"I want to be your friend and I can't be that right now. I have to get this out of my head. Remember how to love you right."
"You've never loved me wrong."
"You KNOW what I mean."
"The problem is… I like you under me…" She says, walking that extra step and lifting her knee up onto the bed, her body moving towards mine, her arms traveling over my shoulders and linking somewhere behind my neck.
"Karma," I smiled, my voice softening with her tenderness and her gaze. "You can't have me this way, not unless you want me."
"I want you then," she pushes.
I can't stop smiling. She's full of shit.
"You don't want me. You're just scared," I tease. It's adorable for her to try but it's still wrong and I won't allow it.
"So what?"
"So? So I'm not going to have sex with you just because you're scared of being alone."
"Do it because you want me then?"
"No." I hold strong. Trying hard not to laugh. Sometimes her ideas are so strange that she frightens me.
I love her smile. She's smiling and I am too.
It's all there though. All that need in me. I want her and she's asking me.
"Kiss me," she says, her lips an inch from mine, her breath so close. "Like you wanted to last night. Just do it. I want to feel."
"I'm not going to kiss you," I'm blushing for sure. I turn away but I can only get so far with her holding me. I can feel the burn in my cheek as my smile grows and my heart speeds up.
"60 seconds," Karma says, her eyes still asking, begging. "With tongue."
"Will you get off!" I try. So many things with us are a joke. I try to push her away with my hands on her hips but she doesn't budge. She instead comes even closer, straddling me until I've nowhere to go.
This is bad. It's good but it's bad. To escape I'd have to throw her. Push her hard. Yell, scream. Call for Lauren and hope Lauren is home. I don't want to her hurt. I want her. That's the whole problem.
"I'm going to try it," she says, almost excitedly, defiantly. As usual, my say has no meaning.
"Karma, come on. Don't."
I want her. But it's all too late. She's made up her mind. She wants to try now with no one else in the room. I feel her skin on my sides with my hands. Her skirt flows over me but her legs are bare and I know it. I try hard not to touch them, not to run my hands low from her knees on up. It's all I want but I resist.
Her arms tighten around my neck and I feel my head being pulled in to hers as her lips open slightly and she begins to kiss me slow with her whole body ontop of mine. There's nothing like the sound of her quick breath or the smell of her hair when it's so close to me now
When our lips touch I'm scared, almost paralyzed. Instead of pecking me she lets herself sink inside. It isn't like the assembly kiss. It isn't me this time. It isn't like the threesome but it's close.
It isn't me this time. It isn't me. She's the one wanting this. She's the one asking and begging and calling me in.
I try to count the seconds but I can't. I let my hands slid down and touch her bare knees.
I let my mouth open, let her in since she's fighting me. The more she fights for me to react the more I want to, the more I need to. Her tongue tastes mine and I can feel myself weakening to her instantly as her hand cups the back of my head and she keeps kissing me, just keeps kissing.
I try to pull away but she fights me almost desperately. I run my hands up her bare legs beneath her skirt, surprising her and feeling as she moans.
I open my eyes and she's closed hers tight, her face almost pained but not.
For a second, I let myself fall. My hands move all the way down to her butt and a pull her in closer to my body, surprising us both. Karma pulls her lips away.
"Shit. I'm sorry," I breathe. For a second I actually let myself have her the way I wanted her.
"Stop apologizing," she pants and smiles. "I wanted you to do that."
"Karma, this isn't funny okay. It's one thing if you actually want me but if you're faking I'll kill myself, I swear."
"Stop thinking please," she orders, looking down at my face and cupping it in both of her hands. "I want you to touch me and I want you to kiss me back."
"Karma…"
"No butts."
"Fine," I sigh, almost angered by her. If she wants me to show her, prove it again, I will. It'd be stupid of me to just pretend I didn't want her after all I had said and how strange things have been. This time I won't let her be in control. I won't just sit back and let her feel. I can play too and I will. "Fine." I bite, grabbing her ass again and moving up onto my knees so that she falls back down on the bed, landing quick on her back unable to stop me. I crawl up over her, trapping her. It's my turn to trap her. My turn to show her how serious this is.
"What are you doing?!" She asked nervously, still panting.
"Shut up," I breathe, my face over hers, my hair dangling down near hers, my hand moving to cup her face as I dip down fast and kiss her hard, allowing my body to fall slow as I taste her inside and rub up on her body without thinking, without letting her breathe, without worrying about how she might not want this or whatever it is I had been worried about before she convinced me to try.
"Uh, Amy, fuck," she gasps when I break from her.
"You said you wanted it," I bite back, still touching her. Before she can speak again I kiss her again, this time slower. I can feel her kissing me back and it's perfect! I allow myself to calm down as I taste how she tastes and feel her body rising beneath mine as her hand comes up to hold at my hand that's against her cheek.
Once I slow enough with her touch and I can hear and feel as she moans into my mouth. I can't stop my body from moving up on hers slowly, reacting to the feel of her and the way I've wanted to have her beneath me. The way I've dreamed of just this on those good nights without the bad dreams.
I kiss her once more before stopping myself and looking down.
It takes her awhile but she slowly opens her eyes.
"Why are you stopping?" She asks. She's dazed and somewhat sleepy. I can't tell what she's thinking or feeling. If she's thinking or feeling anything at all.
I roll off of her and onto my back, noticing at once how I've already gotten warm and soft and a bit clammy.
"I can't do this, okay…"
I hold my head and stare up at the fake stars on my ceiling. They're just beginning to glow.
Kissing Karma is everything I've ever wished for and wanted but I can't do it, not like this.
"I want you to."
"You're my best friend and that's what you want to be. There's nothing wrong with that Karma."
"I've only had two days to think about things, you know that?"
She sits up next to me and I lie still because I'm afraid that if I move the encounter will end.
"I asked for space."
"And I told you already, that's ridiculous."
"You'd really rather have sex with me than be away from me for a week?"
"Uh-huh," she nods. I can feel the bed shake but I can't bare to look at her so I don't.
"Karma… Please go."
"I'm not going."
"Well, I'm not having sex with you."
"What if I do this?" She says. And it's her now who's over me. Trapping me and feeling my body. My eyes flash open and I see her floating above me with that smile.
"Stop it."
"Relax," she smiles, leaning down and kissing at my neck. My eyes drift shut and I let myself feel pleasure in her. My hands return to her knees again and I feel them. I can't stop touching her legs. To even have the chance is strange. I can't stop it, can't stop wanting it.
Before I know what's happening she's sitting back down on me and her hands are pushing up my shirt. I catch the hem right before it hits my bra and stop her.
"Relax," she repeats. I watch her face as she smiles down at my body. "I was surprised at the threesome. I know I already told you." She's looking down at my stomach, watching my struggle to breathe. I feel her hand rub up and down on my skin as she admires the feel with closed eyes before opening again.
I can't speak. Not when I can see her like this, feeling me, loving me.
Her hands move to my naked sides and she dances her fingers over them lightly. My stomach sucks in with pleasure as she teases me. It feels like a tickle but then it doesn't. I can feel my body respond at the place where Karma's sitting. She can feel it too. She watches my eyes and tries something. I buck up when she does.
I'm not strong enough to throw her off though, not yet at least. But she sees that it moves me.
"Do you want me to fuck you? Are you trying to piss me off?"
"I want you to calm the fuck down and let me love you." How can her voice still sound cute when she's doing these crazy things?!
"This isn't right and you know it."
She places her hand down near my head and I grab her wrists so she has to look at me close and stay where she is.
"If we do this, we can't undo it."
"If we don't do this we'll both always wonder." She sees my hesitation and stops me with a kiss. She's kissing me more now. I don't mean there are more kisses. I mean she wants it and I can tell. When she kisses me I feel it. I feel how desperate she is to taste me and have me in under her skin.
"Uhh," I moan into her mouth. Her body rises as she forces my hands down. She rises and then falls back down. I rise up with her until I'm sitting. I can't stand her sitting just here. She doesn't know what she's doing. Or does she? I can't just have here hear like this with her knees on either side of me.
"I was thinking about it," she says as I hold her. I grab her ass again, I can't fight it anymore. I try and get her to feel weird. She doesn't feel weird though. She bucks towards me. After a gasp, she smiles about it.
"What were you thinking?" I ask.
"You've never had sex before."
"What?"
"You've never had sex."
Should I tell her now? Is this the perfect time?
"So…" I hesitate. She moves her hand to her own ass and tights her grip on one of my hands that's just there.
"So, even if this doesn't work out… I can be your first. I'll be gentle and do what you want. It can be the opposite of my sloppy first with Liam. We can take our time. It won't be awkward."
"Karma, I am way too horny right now to be talking about this." Would there be no end to it?! She rubs a little at my stomach with her center and I lose it, wanting to fall as she catches me, forces me to stay.
"I want to be your first," she whispers, leaning close into my ear and letting her body grind down onto mine. I'm so on fire now, I think I need her.
"What? What is it?" She must've noticed it in my face.
"It's just… That's sweet but…"
"I know, I know," she smiles and plays with my hair. I can feel her fingers travel behind my neck and kneed at my skin. I can feel as they wander up into my hair and pull at it until my head leans back just enough. "You don't want that to be the only reason.. But it's a good reason isn't it?" She grinds on me some more and I watch as she feels pleasure.
"Fuck. Maybe…" I mutter airily. She's been grinding on me hard and slow, teasing me with these whispers and these traveling hands. We've both been panting, not caring how strange this should be.
I lay back on the bed and try and rest my head. This situation has gotten way out of hand.
She lifts my shirt up all the way and pulls it off. I let my hands linger off the bed. I'm helpless now. What can I even say or do? I want her so badly. I want her to fuck me. That's all I want.
She bends down over me and kisses my neck, licking it.
"Mmmm, fuck." I hum. Her tongue on my neck is like heaven.
"It feels good, huh?" Liam probably did that to her… Why would she say that? I don't want to think about him… "Is your whole body on fire?"
"I want you," I almost whimper.
Her hands are on my ribs and my side as she licks up my neck greedily and takes my earlobe into her mouth, breathing fast, sending shockwaves through my body.
"This is making me hot and I don't even know why," she whispers honestly right into my ear. I feel her hand fall onto my breast and squeeze. My whole body to shake with pleasure.
"Fuck Karma…" I gasp, my hands flying up to her waist to pull her down.
I can't fight her anymore. It feels too good. It all really does.
She falls down on me with her weight and kisses me again, this time with more of a hunger. I feel her tug at my bottom lip and steal it into her mouth.
"Mm-uh," I try to stop her hand as it falls down to the top of my jeans and startles me out of my previous decision to do nothing and let things happen.
"Stop fighting me," she orders playfully. It's strange but I'm actually sensing a need in her.
That's new...
She takes my hand from my pants and hits it away.
"I'm going to do this now, you can't stop me."
"Karma…"
"What?" She asks, still kissing me up and down, making me so much weaker than I ever thought I could be.
"I love you," I say.
"I love you too," she says back. "I love you too," she whispers softly into my ear, kissing me more.
I feel her hand work at my button and undo it. Her hand slides down past my hair and into my folds.
"Holy fuck," she sighs surprised before kissing me harder, realizing something, something I only wish I could understand.
I was too wet for her, too fucking wet.
"Uhh," I moan in her mouth as she touches me. It's so perfect I want to cry.
"You are so fucking wet," she sighs with a shaky breath. Moving her mouth to my ear and refusing to let me be anywhere but underneath her. I feel her stroking me faster now and it's obvious to me that she has not one fucking regret.
"You want me to touch you right? Tell me," she begs.
"Please," I beg, without meaning, without thinking about how pathetic I probably sound. "Please, don't stop. Please Karma…" If she were to stop now I would die.
She's all I want. The only thing.
"Thank you," she sighs, holding me close and kissing my cheek. "I want to," she sighs, touching me still.
She doesn't stop.
I'm overwhelmed.
I can't help it.
I hold my breath…