"Nobody loves you, nobody wants you, nobody cares about you,"- Each a rhythmic head thump against his fist.
Dom paced wildly up and down the corridor, his heel spinning and wobbling as he turned. There was glass cutting into his hands, and his shirt was wrinkled from where he had clenched it in his fist. A breeze skated across the back of his neck raising goose bumps on his chilled skin. He stumbled as he turned around, seeing his mother in the doorway.
These moments hit him like a seizure, building and building until they burst out of him. Sleeplessness plagued him the week before. He was tired, but incredibly jittery and giddy. Every sense heightened except his sight which jumped around like his head was experiencing an earthquake. His body was taut, muscles clenched, and the cords on his neck stood out like vines under his skin. Ange looked on from the doorway, Dom unable to meet her eyes.
So instead, he grit his teeth and tore at the skin on his arms leaving long, red marks from his ragged fingernails. He wanted to scream. Instead, he bit his own wrist, feeling the throb of his pulse against his teeth as his jaw clamped down painfully.
He faintly heard her gasp as he did this, seeing her move towards him out of the corner of his eye.
He felt a dizzying, spiraling sensation in his head that caused his legs to weaken as he clutched at the cold hard wall, using it to support himself.
He was alone and felt lost within himself. He couldn't find what he wanted. He felt so worthless, so unimportant, do helpless. Even his real mother had better things to do than be there for him. Ange was busy, too busy for him. More important things, more important people. She hadn't talked to him, not properly, since she had found out about Isaac. His heart raced with each desperate thought as they chased themselves around and around, so much so that he barely felt it as Ange laid a gentle hand on his back.
"I'm here." But you're not, he wanted to say.
"You're going to be okay." But I'm not, he wanted to shout.
"I'm sorry for what I said." Are you? He wanted to scream.
"I love you."
She knelt down in front of him, taking him by the shoulders and looking him in the eye. He gasped noisily, the sound of his racing pulse keeping him further disoriented as she lifted her hand up to his face.
Dom blinked away tears that burned his eyes like salt water, but they had spilled over already and were streaming down his face. A blurry Ange was in front of him, talking quietly and calmly, but he wasnt sure what about. Her eyes flashed in the blinding overhead lights. The white reflection in her eyes made Dom think of a mirror. He wondered if he could see himself if he looked harder.
The muscles in his jaw shook, his teeth clenched against all the things he wanted to scream at her. It was a funny feeling, the creeping numbness along his limbs contrasting against the burn in his chest and throat. He thought maybe this was what a fish felt as it was pulled out of water and left to flop on the ground until it died.
"Get away from me." Dom rasped, his breaths unsteady and disjointed. He tried to turn away but she was holding him, trying to lower him to the floor.
"Remember what you told me, Dominic? I don't get to abandon you again. I'm not going anywhere." Ange told him firmly. He looked up uncertainly, before meeting her blue eyes and allowing her to gently pull him to the ground. They sat against the wall, Dom with his knees pressed to his chest and Ange with her legs crossed.
"Talk to me," Ange insisted as she looked him up and down properly. His hair had been messed and it had flopped onto his forehead, making him look much younger than his 32 years. His face was covered in tear stains, the occasional drop still leaking down his cheeks. He was rubbing his eyes furiously, as though he was somehow ashamed of crying in front of Ange.
"Hey, it's okay. You don't have to be strong for me. I'm your mum." She whispered, edging closer to him and placing a comforting hand on his leg.
"Then why did you say that, last week? You said you weren't my mum. You have your hands full with Chloe. You don't have time for me." Dom managed to croak out.
She hated Chloe's anxiety attacks. They didn't happen often anymore but they did happen with some regularity. But seeing them with her son, someone who she thought was so resilient, was even more heartbreaking. With a mind like Dom's the pressure seemed to build up. He would begin drawing away from people, letting every barb injure him deeply instead of shrugging them off with a laugh. His mind would grow frantic. It reminded Ange of when Chloe was back in school, an impending exam or looming project would be the jumping-off point. She would let everything build and fester, all the while drawing away from anything that could bring her comfort- some sort of self punishment. She would pick at her food, appetite diminishing. She would restlessly try to sleep and only end up pacing or cleaning her bedroom late at night. Ange tried her best to help Chloe through it. Feeding her or getting her to rest when she couldn't do those things for herself; as Chloe, and now Dom, collapsed in on themselves.
"I honestly don't know. I guess I felt overwhelmed. I've never had to think about two kids before. But you're right, that's not an excuse for what I said. I'm sorry." Ange looked down at her lap, offering Dom a smile in apology.
"I just feel like, you've come to Holby, and you drop this bombshell on me, and then you want nothing to do with me? If you don't want a relationship with me, that's fine, but can you tell me now, before I get my hopes up again? Because Jesus Christ, this hurts." Dom was throwing his hands around again, another warning sign. It broke Ange's heart to hear her own son explain how much she hurt him.
"God, I'm a pretty shit mother, aren't I?" Ange chuckled. Dom let out a laugh and she smiled at him again.
"I do want a relationship with you. I want for us to be close, I really do, and I'm so sorry I've made you think otherwise. I'm just new to this. And I'm probably going to fuck up a thousand more times, too, but I promise that I'll do my best." Ange placed her hand over his and squeezed it, leaning over to place her head on his shoulder. He could feel her soft hair against his neck, and feel her body move as she breathed in and out. He leant his head against hers, letting his eyes flutter shut.