I, Professor Ken, wholeheartedly welcome you to my newest epic! I fixed this up a while back as a consolation piece in case I couldn't finish another story on time. While the sequel to 'Silver Crescent' (if you like this you might want to read it, too) is still pending, you guys can just enjoy this instead. It's a pure-hearted comedy, plain and simple, written in my best humorous style (at least three good puns are guarenteed to each chapter). This isn't your average 'author-makes-fun-of- characters' story, though. Oh no, I really ridicule a much wider range of reality.

There is a little Tails-bashing in this chapter. But do not fear, good readers; justice shall be served!

I do not own Tails, or any of the other Sonic characters. Darth Mohawk belongs to my brother Tom (from whom he is caricatured). The professor, of course, is mine.

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Broadcast One: Tails

On the set of a lonely broadcasting station on the outskirts of the small metropolitan area of Station Square, a single light flickered as a camera turned on. The curtain peeled open, revealing a dark form stooped over in the shadows of an unlit stage. The camera slowly zoomed in on it.

A voice crawled out from the shadows, a mere whisper. "Yes… the time is right… the place is right… and all goes according to my evil, dastardly plan…"

There was a sudden flash of light as all the lights in the entire studio went on. Casting away a long dark cloak, a crazy-looking man of about eighteen years old dressed in black robes and a blue cape gave a million-dollar smile to the camera. He had a perfect three-inch mohawk on his head and a large shiny gold coin hanging from a chain around his neck. "WEEEEEEELLCOME, ALL YOU LITTLE INGRATES, TO THE DARTH MOHAWK TALKSHOW!"

A catchy tune played as the man swaggered to the front of the stage. He snapped his fingers; a large plushy sofa fell down from the ceiling. He scowled. "No, no, no, not the sofa…" There was a flash of light; the sofa turned into a rocking chair. Then a cheesy-looking stool. Then a toilet. Looking rather peeved, the man mumbled some bad words and kicked the porcelain throne, whereupon it changed into a black leather chair. He smiled and plunked down in it.

"Alright! Now, I'm sure all of you people watching this—yeah, I mean you in front of the screen— are wondering 'who the heck is this square'? Well, I'm DARTH MOHAWK, the host of this show, the richest man on Mobius and also the greediest! You might know me better as the owner of the quadrillion-dollar industry called the Mohawk Mall Corporation! Actually, you've probably paid for this show out of your own pockets with your generous donations to the 'making-Mr.-Mohawk-really-really-rich' fund…" He leaned forward and grinned even wider. "Now with fourth-wall smashing capacities! But enough about that! This is the Darth Mohawk Talkshow, not the televised meeting of the Mohawk Corporations Board of Financing!"

He snapped his fingers and pointed at four guys in tuxedos sitting in the front row. "Hey guys, I'll discuss this after the show ends." He said to them in a stage whisper. They nodded, picked up their suitcases, and left.

Mohawk grinned again. "First of all, I'd like y'all to say hello to m'brother, Professor Ken, without whom I wouldn't be able to have this show!"

A person looking kind of like Mohawk but a little younger (about twelve years old) and a whole lot saner stepped out from the side of the stage and waved. Ken was dressed in a shiny white labcoat, green canvas boots with metal edges, and a pair of elliptical spectacles. He had shiny blue eyes that sparkled as he smiled and a small arsenal containing two pistols, a sword and a folded-up plasma axe that suggested a very light trigger finger. He vanished back to the side of the stage.

Seated in his big black leather chair, Mohawk grinned like the lunatic he was. "And guess what? I've invited an extra-special guest today! Everybody knows who he is, and everybody… well, almost everybody, there's a couple old grouchy people who don't… loves him! He may be kinda gullible and he almost always requires his friends to bail him out when he gets himself in trouble, but he's a great guy nonetheless and we all appreciate his efforts! Give it up for…TAILS?!?"

Tails walked onscreen, smiling and waving to the crowds shyly (the crowd seemed to love it and he got a huge encore). Darth Mohawk wasn't quite so happy. "KEEEEEEEENNNN!"

There was a flash of light and the good professor appeared. "Yes?"

"What's the big idea?! I thought I was having SONIC on this show!?!" bellowed the irate businessman.

"Unfortunately, Sonic was evidently going on another one of his little 'vacations' and thirty-four K-7b probe droids couldn't find him, it was ten minutes to the show's start and Tails was right there in his workshop and happy to oblige—"

"BUT I JUST READ ALL THAT CRAP ABOUT HIM!!!"

"It's not crap. It's true." Ken crossed his arms. "Everybody knows Tails, he has a massive fan following and only a few old grouchy people – like you – don't like him. He has a tendency to be gullible, as you might recall during SA2B, and gets captured a lot."

Mohawk looked ready to explode. "Did you just call me an old grouchy person?"

Ken sighed and shook his head sadly. "Yes. Now, unless you want to be voraciously devoured by all of the Tails fans in this studio—they take up about half the crowd, right off to stage left – I highly suggest that you be as kind and gentle as you can manage. Knowing you, that's nigh impossible so I'll just set up my medical equipment offstage. You haven't developed any serious medical conditions like hepatitis or anything, right?"

"Uh, no?"

"Good." Ken vanished with his customary flash of light.

"Mmmrgfrgrmgrfprr…" Mohawk seethed with anger for a good couple of seconds. When he finally calmed down enough to speak to Tails, he took a deep breath, then said, "Okay. My first question is an easy one: How old are you, Miles?"

"Eight and a couple months," replied the fox. He fidgeted. "And please, it's Tails."

After muttering a wayward comment under his breath, he continued with, "How long have you been living with Sonic?"

"Uh, four years, I think. It's been a while."

"And why aren't you living with your parents, Miles?"

"It's Tails," corrected the fox softly, looking uncomfortable. "I think they died a while ago, I don't know how and I never really found out…"

"How did you get to fly planes when you're only eight years old?"

Tails smiled sheepishly. "Eh hehe… I just do, I guess… but I know how and all, so I'm good! Us world heroes can do whatever we want!" He grinned.

"Why do you hang out with Sonic so much instead of other smart, sciency people?"

"Uh… because it's fun?" said Tails. "I don't really know any smart people other than myself. Besides, Sonic's cool and he likes me and all!"

"Yeah, yeah, like any of us believe that," mumbled Mohawk. "So! Why do you have two tails? It makes you look like a freak!"

Tails winced at his words. "Hey! Don't call me that!"

Mohawk smirked. "Okay, okay, I will try to refrain. But I will say this! So what's up with your name, Miles Prower?"

"Wha, uh, hey, don't say—" stammered Tails.

"Miles Prower! I mean, what kind of freaky name is that?! It's like, it's a good thing you don't have a sister, I'd hate to see what Kilometers Prower would look like!" He laughed uproariously.

There was an evil, grindy, leery sound from part of the audience and a large quantity of people shifted forwards in their seats menacingly. Mohawk paused and looked out into them nervously. He gulped, grabbed a pitcher of water and tipped its entire contents down his throat. When it was empty, he tossed it aside, where it landed on an unlucky audience member and broke with a smash. "Uh, so, what marvelous inventions are you working on right now?"

"I'm making a compact dual-layer plasma shield!" said Tails proudly. "It's an improved shield for the Tornado." He frowned. "It's really hard… I'm not very far along on it."

"So when you think you'll be done with it, Miles?"

Tails flinched at the name but said, "I dunno, it might be a while."

Mohawk looked into the crowds and saw they had quieted a little. He smirked. "So, Miles… you got any girlfriends?"

Tails smiled sheepishly. "Heh heh… no, not really…"

"And what about this crap I keep hearing about you and Cream, huh?"

"She's a good friend but not in that way," said Tails confidently.

Mohawk continued his pursuit of information. "What about Cosmo, that green plant-girl? She doesn't count, huh?"

Tails paled slightly. "No! We're just… friends, that's all…"

"Friends, eh?" Mohawk leaned forward in his chair, a maniacal grin on his face like a shark closing in for the kill. "Just friends? That's all?"

Tails nodded but he looked kind of shaken. "Yeah, kinda…"

"Well, I hear from the grapevine that you're a little closer than that… might I say, you got a few… singles?"

Tails turned slightly pink. "Where'd you hear that?"

"Oh, you know, I just heard it… somewhere…" He cackled. "So, I'll bet you liked that, huh?"

Tails was by now bright red. "Hey! St-stop it! That's really, really private!"

"It's just sad…" Mohawk tsked. "I mean, you're already to the making-out phase and you're not even in the same animal kingdom!"

"Shut up! Stop it!"

Mohawk just went right on. "Yeah, you freaks go together… my god, what kind of kids are you two gonna have, huh? Hey, Ken, come in here, you're the area expert on crossbreeding…"

Tails kicked Darth Mohawk sharply in the shin. The rich entrepreneur let out a yelp of pain, jumped off his comfy leather armchair, and bounced about while letting fly curses that made the first three rows cover their ears. Rubbing his shin painfully, he sat back down. "Okay. So, getting away from that and suing your scrawny little namesakes off after show, I have with me here the script for the third season of Sonic X…" He pulled up a thick packet of papers and thumbed through it. "Let's see… Episode 77, my personal favorite… ooh, yeah, my favorite part of it, right here." Mohawk turned the script around. "You remember the part where you have to launch her off into oblivion, right?"

"Aak! Hey, stop reading that!" Tails cried.

"So how'd it feel killing your girlfriend off? I mean, that's gotta be the crappiest thing to do, ever!"

Tails looked mortified. "Hey, I had no choice! It was that or let the universe be turned into a big forest!"

Mohawk was very much getting into the act, putting on a straight face. "Yeah, I know you liked her, obviously not enough though…" He sighed. "If you wanted to dump her for Cream you should have just said so."

"I didn't, I mean, I-I don't! Stop it!"

"Yep, you've got a cruel streak in you, Tails, blasting away a girl you don't want anymore… man, you make Robotnik look nice!"

Tails suddenly burst out bawling. "I didn't… I didn't mean it, Cosmo…"

"Aww, too late for that, she already knows…" Mohawk sniggered. "Oh, well, at least she's just a potted plant now, maybe she'll forgive you for it…"

Suddenly, Ken hopped up on stage. "Hey, what's going on up here? Why are you tormenting Tails so much?" The professor walked over to the fox and nudged his shoulder. "Hey, hey, calm down, Tails, it's just Darth Mohawk's big fat mouth and his little squinty brain aren't coordinating right, nobody's gonna listen to him, especially not Cosmo, I can promise you that…" Turning back to Mohawk, he shot a mean scowl and hissed, "Mohawk, why are you doing this even after I've warned you not to, it just isn't SAFE?!?"

Darth Mohawk scowled. "Fox fan…" he muttered under his breathe before snapping "Because he looks so adorable when he's miserable!" He then leaned backwards and laughed maniacally. "Mwah ha ha ha!"

Ken whistled loudly. "Hey! Tails fans! This guy hates Tails!"

There was a huge roar from the crowd as an entire wing of the audience rose up and dragged Darth Mohawk off the stage. There were loud noises and screams as they proceeded to beat the assorted loose change out of him.

"I STILL MEAN IT!! AH! OH! NO, NOT THE PENNIES!! GIVE MY WALLET BACK!GRAAAAAAAHHH!!!" screamed Mohawk as the crowd dragged him away and caused him great bodily harm.

"This has been the first episode of the Darth Mohawk Talkshow," said Ken, pulling a microphone out from somewhere. "Join us again next week, provided Mohawk survives of course, for another round of healthy criticism of one of our guest stars!"

"AH! AH! I STILL HATE TAILS! HIS VOICE IS SO SQUEAKY IN SONIC HEROES! KEN OVERUSES HIM IN HIS STORIES! ARGH! HE'S A GULIBLE IMBECILE AND—"

A surprisingly strong fan lifted Mohawk into the air and hurled him overhand. He crashed into the computer screen before finally falling from view, leaving scattered low-denomination bills floating in the air.

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Did you like this story? Did you not? If so, what was wrong? Please review, or send me an e-mail. But do be polite and kind about it, please, because I would be to you. I shall answer questions in a timely manner and I update semi-weekly on Tuesdays, time allowing. Want more before then? Check out my other story!