1

Hi. I'm Jesus-Fucking-Christ.

Saviour of the world, Son of God, formerly crucified prophet…

And I'm bored out of my brain.

If you've read the Book of Revelations, you should know that I should be coming back to judge the living and the dead or some shit like that. Of course, God, my daddy, is a massive lazy fuck and couldn't be bothered doing anything dramatic like that any time soon.

Also, I'm technically grounded. Daddy didn't like me getting too chummy with Satan last time.

Apparently, getting butt-fucked multiple times in one day by Pontius Pilate wasn't enough punishment for me.

But I digress.

Anyway, this means that I'm stuck here roaming heaven, looking down on those poor pathetic people going about their daily lives like zombies, slowly shuffling toward their deaths. I see cities filled with glum looking douchebags, waking up to go to work, only to do barely anything for seven hours and then go home to sleep again.

Times back in the old days was so much more fun. All the killings, invasions, slavery, Daddy's crazy wrath… good times.

I look around to find somebody, anybody, that looks like they're actually having fun in this shitty big city. It's work hour, so everyone is in full zombie mode, but surely there should be still somebody interesting to watch somewhere.

I sweep my gaze from the dense mass of city skyscrapers and look along the incoming interstate highway just alongside. There's always some speeding douchebag who thinks he's hot shit, driving some shitty car with an oversized exhaust pipe to compensate for something. Practically guaranteed.

Soon enough, I see a rusty old muscle car, speeding down the freeway. It's belching out black smoke out of the exhaust and it's weaving between cars as it speeds ahead. Standard asshole driver stuff.

I use heaven's "God Mode" vision tool to see and hear inside the car. With a wave of my hand, I can bring up a screen to see pretty much anywhere. I don't use it much anymore, since I've pretty much seen everything I can see with it while waiting for my Dad to get off his ass and actually do something. However, it's not like I've got much else to do, so I bring up a view of the inside of the car.

Inside is a pretty blond woman, with fair skin and a slightly freckled face, singing along loudly to a country song called "Jesus Take The Wheel." She's stylishly waving her shoulder length hair everywhere like she's in a shampoo commercial, and tapping her hands to the song on the steering wheel.

Normally, I'd be flattered. Unfortunately, she has a seriously shitty voice.

At this point, she closes her eyes and starts yelling the chorus:

Jesus take the wheel

Take it from my hands

Cause I can't do this on my own

I'm letting go…

She's still belting down the highway while she's doing this by the way, narrowly missing several cars. Probably not a good idea to close your eyes in a speeding car, dumb bitch.

At this point, she opens her eyes, and seeing that she's coming up pretty fast to the back end of a school bus, she wrenches the steering wheel to the right and swerves past the bus, causing the tires to skid and the car to start drifting all over the four lanes of the highway, surprisingly not hitting anyone yet.

"JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!" she screams, thankfully not singing anymore. Her car is fishtailing like crazy as she struggles for control. "JESUS HELP ME!"

Fuck you, I'm grounded. I'm not taking your wheel.

"JESUS! PLEASE!" Her beautiful blue eyes are wide open now. I see this clearly as I shift my God View to the front to look at her face. I can't let that face get smashed in… at least not while I'm looking. Also, she's pretty hot.

I'm still grounded, but I might be able to get away with sneaking out for a little while. I've been stuck in heaven for too long now; even fluffy white cloud walls and floors made of every precious metal known to man can get mind-numbingly boring when you keep looking at it for a few thousand years.

At that moment, I make a snap decision.

I'm going to do it. I'm busting out.

I run as fast as I can past all the golden mansions, the rivers of milk and honey, and the massive wide open fields of unnaturally green grass to reach the front gate.

As usual, St Peter is on the other side, checking in newly dead people into heaven. He isn't looking my way right now, arguing with a particularly stubborn Catholic priest about Mary or some shit like that – I didn't really listen.

I dash out past the lines, silently thanking Catholic priests for being mega assholes, as I make my way beyond the boundary of heaven, leap off into space and activate my messiah warp teleport straight down to a certain rusty out-of-control muscle car.