AUTHOR'S NOTE: these characters belong to Marvel or the BBC, we are merely using them for our myriad fantasies. please beware, this fic contains mature content. we appreciate reviews and apologise for our poor grammar. we didn't feel like fixing it. please enjoy our sherloki crossover! NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART BROS
John stared at the cucumbers; none of them were big enough for the soup he was planning to make, so he would have to buy two.
He had left Sherlock at home alone- he was having a nap and John didn't want to wake him. He wasn't worried about Sherlock; how long had he been on his own before John came along? Plus, he trusted Sherlock. Sherlock would never do anything seriously issues when John wasn't around.
SHERLOCK POV omg omg omg omg loawlz.
Sherlock paced angrily back and forth in front of his wall. The wall laughed at him.
"Wall. I am very vexed with you."
The wall was not amused. No, it was...benign. Like everyone else in his life. No lively people-well, except for that Danish couple that rented the apartment next door a week ago but had to move out under suspicious circumstances-but that was beside the point.
Wait. Something wasn't right.
THe wall smelled...it smelled...strange.
Like...cheeseburgers.
But...bloody awful cheeseburgers.
There was only one man who smelled like holy damnit just bloody awful cheeseburgers…
ANDERSON!
Sherlock turned on his heel and proceeded to punch the wall.
"ANDERSON! YOU ARE MAKING MY APARTMENT SMELL LIKE CHEESE AND FARTS!"
The wall did not answer, well, except for a small tinny cry:
"Mwhaeeeeeeeeeeeeh"
"Under normal circumstances I would not help you! But...oh GAWD do you smell terrible! I'm going to get you out of there!" yelled Sherlock, in the most out of character of fashions, to the wall. He raced away DiCaprio style and dialed his bestie (it's not John, because John is HIS LOVER MHHHMMMM)!
Fortunately, his bestie was in town for the week, clubbing his heart out. When he picked up, Sherlock could hear Maroon5 and drunk people in the background.
"Loki, I need your supernatural power help to get this bloody awful cheeseburger of an Anderson out of my wall."
"YO DUDE HANG LOOSE I'LL B RITE THERE" Loki yelled into the phone (he was clearly drunk and therefore out of character).
"Thanks, bestie! I'll expect you in… ten minutes? Please hurry. The smell is making me want to hang myself with my favourite scarf, and I don't think JOhn would take too kindly to that after the whole Reichenbach affair."
"SHABANG, MAN, I'LL B RITE OVER YO."
"Okay." Sherlock hung up.
in that same moment, Loki burst though the window on his magic rainbow reindeer (they're endangered), Corvus.
"DARLING I HAZ ARRIVED GIRL."
"oh thank god! I think anderson is enjoying himself! just look at him go weeeeeeeeeee and smell of blood!"
"THE HORROR!"
"I believe he's american and he's videorecording us."
"GOOD GOD, SHERLOCK, LETS GIVE HIM SOMETHING TO FILM!"
"...no."
"i am the elder wall of giving. i haz recently been monitoring your current situation and i must sa that you will be unable tostop me."
"anderson, we know its just you posessing the wall."
"THATS ABSURD!"
"so how do we stop him?" sherlock cried.
"WE TUR TO THE MOTHER OF ALL KNOWLEDGE AND POWER!"
"ATHENA!?"
"No… something much more powerful...WIKI."
Loki pulled out his smartphone and wiki'd "How 2 Get Evl Spiritz Out of Ur Wall (esp. Anderson spiritz)".
"YO SHERLOCK IT SAYS HERE THAT MY SUPERNATURAL AMAZEBALLZ POWERS NEED A SOUL TO GET ANDERSONS OUT OF THE WALL YO"
"Oh… well, I would offer you John, but I think he's out gazing at cucumbers. I suppose you can use my soul. It's not like mine is particularly important to me anyway."
"OK SHERLIEZ SOUNDS LYKE A PLAN!11111! BUT WIKI MOTHER OF ALL KNOWLEDGE SAYS THAT THE KNOWLEDGE MUST BE TRANSFERRED VIA MAKE-OUT SESH FOLLOWED BY NOODLE EATING, BRO"
"Well, Loki, you are a god. I've never made out with a god before. You can be my god."
"OK BRO LET'S DO THIZZZ"
Meanwhile, Anderson was drooling from the mouth. The wall was seeping awful Anderson saliva from its pores, from pure awful drool. Still the video camera was kept relatively clean because girl, you don't just have a video camera and NOT film Sherlock Holmes and some Norse god having tiger lion sex in the former's living room.
First, Sherlock said, "and since you're my first god-like sex partner, I'll treat this like…" he purred sexily, "...an experiment."
"OH GOODY" said Loki, who was so fifth grader right now it was becoming unbearable to read.
"Stop using verbs in the wrong tense," Sherlock warns the narrator as she wiped the crusted old mind juice from her earlobes.
"Yeah," said Loki in between tongue-filled wet slobbery licks, "not in really good taste if you ask me."
"But whatever, because does it really matter what tense porn is in?" SHerlock whispered as he nibbles Loki's toes.
His nibbles became more intense, and Loki's foot began to bleed sexily. Sherlock bit deeply into Loki's calf, tearing flesh from bone and chewing, satisfied with this god-meat. Loki' sexy bleeding continued.
Loki cupped his fingers around Sherlock's face and traced the bloodied lips, pulling them gently away from his thigh and toward his gigantic rainbow dick.
"Tonight, I will make you feel like the woman you are," Loki murmured. "Screw Thor. Today I get to be a man."
"Pardon me," said Sherlock, abruptly putting their sex rampage to a halt. He tossed Loki off of him. Loki landed on his god-like tush.
Thump!
"I'm the man in this relationship," Sherlock said curtly.
"OH COME ON. YOU ARE SUCH A COCKBLO-"
"Seriously. I'm sick of being portrayed as the sensitive lonely little weenie who doesn't know a condom from a lollipop!"
"No one thinks that! Now can we please resume our sex?"
"NO! I AM A MAN!"
"OKAY FINE SHUT UP AND SEX ME UP BOI"
Anderson quietly removed his bullet riddled pants from beneath the old wallpaper. We feel no need to explain further on this point because ew Anderson dick no.
meanwhile, loki and sherlock's argument had quickly ecsalated into a full blown rage party, but seeing that testosterone levels had exploded, they resloved the problem with angry sex.
"kneel, my precious kitty winkle." loki's hands were pushing down on Sherlock's shoulders, dominating the scene. but sherlock couldn't let him win-he would not be the meek little sherly mycroft envisioned him to be. H twisted his legs aroung loki's torso and rolled, causing loki to lose his balance.
now sherlock was on top.
"welll aren't you a frisky kitty." loki trusted up, his fingers curved into claws and raked across sherlock's hard, and muscualr ashoulderbaldes. let me hear you squeel."
"Let me deduce you first, master."
"UM WHAT BRO"
"My deductions so far are that you feel unworthy and sad all the time. You desperately miss your brother Thor and try to forget about your past by drinking and clubbing. Also, you have a gigantic rainbow dick that will not be going up my ass today."
"FINE BOY FINE LOOK UR MAKIN ME CRY"
"That was the intention, Loki."
"U R A HUGE FUCKHEAD MAN"
"Of course I am."
Finally in agreement, Sherlock and Loki had some fun. Anderson filmed.
MEANWHIEL…
John was out buying pickles when he found Lestrande.
"Oh, hi Lestrande," said John. "Why do you look so lost?"
Lestrade did, in fact, look stupidly lost. "Well, I was trying to find the cucumbers, but all I could see for the last five aisles were packs and packs of pickles!"
"Well, that is true seeing that you are in the pickle section," John said, matter-of-factly.
"I see dead people," said Lestrade.
"That's good to know," said John, "Would you like some redemption as a character?"
"Well, only if you'll show me where the cucumbers are."
"Ahhh…" said Watson, "Fortunately for you, I have an extra cucumber right here. WOuld you like to see it?" Watson reached his hand toward his jeans.
"No, just show me where they are."
"Fine. But we'll have to go back to the cumber storage area."
"What, don't they keep them in the actual store?"
"Of course not," snapped John. Grabbing Lestrade's hand, Watson led him back through the aisles toward the storage facilities.
Reaching the storage area, Lestrade noted that he didn't see any cucumbers.
JOhn reached toward his pants again. "Look at this one, Lestrade."
"Oh. I like that one."
"Now you're getting the picture. would you like it in high definition?"
"not my division."
" oh lestrade, i have an app for it." john began to unbutton his pants. Lestrade was cautious at first but followed suit. when both men were completely naked, apart fromm john who still had his mega sexy army dogtags on, john moved in for the kill.
"Wait" lestrade held up his hand.
"what is it, lessie? aren't you curious?"
"I am, Jawn, i really am. it's just-i'm scared."
john put his hands on both of lestrade's shoulders. he leans in close to his ear.
"don't be." jawn whispers. "we'll do it together."
and both men were pulled into a passionate bliss.