Fading
Its dark. I don't know why, I just know that it is.
It shouldn't be dark.
There should be light - sunlight, daylight, starlight, any light, just… not darkness. For some reason I cant explain, there's an overwhelming feeling that this moment should be joyous, bright, alive.
Instead, it is dark.
The darkness is empty.
It's not heavy, or even completely bad per se… it just… is, and what it is is wrong somehow.
At first I think I've fallen from somewhere.
My dress feels heavy in a way I can't describe. I look down at it and subconsciously my mind notes the detail- it's a dress I once wore on Corascant, for the Senate, and for meeting Palpatine after my arrival. It was the dress I was wearing when I saw Anakin for the first time in ten years. Strange how little details stay with you even when the important ones become a blur.
I feel… strange. Like I'm both feather-light and at the same time, so heavy that the earth beneath me cannot possibly support me. And then I realize; I haven't fallen.
I'm flying.
Or maybe I am falling. It's so hard to be sure.
The world around me seems to be twisting and swirling. I don't understand. Why can't I see? Why can't I feel?
In my confusion I instinctively wish for Anakin. I'm so used to him being there, so used to wanting him there, that the thought of being so completely separate shocks and frightens me. He is my Anakin, my love. How could I feel so disconnected from him?
Because he fell. Because he chose darkness.
Because he tried to kill me.
I feel something now. I feel a tear glide across my skin, trickling down the side of my nose. It seems ridiculously inadequate.
The one person who I have loved more than any other, the one who I risked everything for, tried to kill me. I should be weeping. I should be screaming. I should be angry or distraught or overcome by grief.
Instead I am numb, falling or floating or whatever it is through this endless blackness, shedding one single tiny tear that is already about to dissipate.
How could this have happened?
It's my fault. It is, it's because of me. If I had never called for Velorum to be overthrown, Palpatine would not have been elected, he would not have risen, none of this would have happened. He would not have taken my Anakin from me. He would not have taken Anakin from himself.
I don't understand how someone so good could become so evil. He said he did it to save me. But how can my life be payment for the hundreds of thousands that are dead or dying?
The Jedi. Most of all the Jedi.
They are gone, all of them. All except for Obi-Wan and Master Yoda. Anakin… I guess he is no longer a Jedi.
And the children… the Younglings. How could he do that? I have been to war, I have seen people die for what they believe, for what they would save… but to slaughter children?
No matter how hard I try, I cannot rationalize it. Every time I think of the Jedi children that died on Anakin's lightsaber, I feel cold inside. I fear for my child.
This thought jerks me from my reverie. As I drift in the calm of nothingness, panic surges through me and my hands fly to my stomach.
I am so used to the other life that has inhabited my body for the last nine months that I instantly notice the change. Its like a part of me has been taken away.
I wish I could cry.
The bump of my child is still there, but its smaller, so much smaller. I have a horrible feeling that my baby is slipping away, going somewhere I cant follow.
Just like Anakin.
The thought sends a stream of panic and urgency through my veins. I struggle against the huge, heavy nothing that holds me down and up all at once. I try to scream.
I refuse to let my child be lost.
Although I thought I was seeing already, suddenly it's as though my eyes have been opened. My vision is flooded with light. Shapes and colours slowly separate and form. Everything is hazy, but I can see. It is a conscious effort to stay aware, but I can hear. The world of darkness I am holding back seems to be as heavy as a planet, but I can feel.
Oh, God, I can feel.
Pain like nothing I have ever physically known fills my body. I realise that I'm crying out, that someone is holding my hand; there are tears on my cheeks. The pain in my abdomen is overwhelming.
Another scream tears from my throat and I hear a familiar voice in my ear.
"Don't give up, Padmé…"Obi-Wan. Somehow he always represented safety to me; even when I first knew him as Qui-Gon's apprentice on Naboo, there was something about him – safe, comforting, strong. His presence now almost calms me.
I feel another wave of pain drive through me, and unconsciously I tighten my grip on his hand. I feel my muscles straining, feel something move within me.
And suddenly, even before I feel it happen, I realise. My baby isn't slipping away; it's being born. Here, now, I am bringing my child into the world.
I stop screaming. I hold tightly to Obi-Wan's hand and push as best as I can. I'm determined to save my child.
I see the blurry shape of a Meditech leaning toward me. Through a haze I hear him speak, see the bundle in his arms.
"It's a boy…"Joy swarms through me. I did it- this is my child, alive, born, here. I force my eyes to focus. He is so beautiful. I am instantly reminded of Anakin, wondering if my son will look like his father did as a boy when he is older.
I somehow manage to lift a hand to him. I touch my son's face; his skin is softer than anything I've ever felt before.
"Luke…" I whisper. The name is beautiful, simple; to my mind, it speaks of goodness, of the simple things that bring happiness, of hope. It is the first name I think of when I see my son.
Faintly, I notice Obi-Wan smiling. The Meditech straightens up again, and another takes his place. The second leans towards me, holding a small shape in a blanket…
"And a girl…"
I cannot describe it. This moment, I am speechless. Twins, I suddenly realise. Of course… there are twins.
I gaze at my daughter, wishing I could hold her in my arms. I love her the moment my eyes meet hers. She is the most perfect thing I have ever seen. She reminds me of the children at home on Naboo. She reminds me of a baby girl I nursed to health after the War more than twenty years ago. She looks so peaceful.
I have no doubt that this girl could have been a queen of Naboo. Somehow I know what my daughter will be when she is older.
"Leia…" I gasp softly, my fingers brushing her cheek. I feel Obi-Wan's hand squeeze mine gently.
They take my children away. As my head falls back on the pillow, I feel a small surge of relief mixed with my despair. They are alive. I have done what I needed to.
All at once, I feel an overpowering sense of exhaustion. I almost pass out as it washes over me.
I'm so tired. My children are safe. And Anakin - Anakin is no longer my Anakin.
I have nothing to keep me here.
Tears flood my eyes before I can stop them. This is not how I thought it would end. Never in a thousand years did I ever guess…
Anakin fallen. The Republic in tatters. The Jedi destroyed.
And here I lie, ready to embrace death.
I'm too tired to stay here, even if I could offer help to the people who will now suffer beneath the hands of the Sith. I've fought for twenty years; I can't keep fighting.
The world starts to fade…
I'm so… tired…
"You have twins, Padmé. They need you…hang on…"
Obi-Wan's voice seems so far away. "I can't…" I whisper, tears stinging my eyes. Speaking seems like such an effort.
Somehow, my hand finds Obi-Wan's as the fingers of my other curl around the Japor pendant Anakin made for me so long ago.
I remember him as the boy he was.
"Save your energy…" Obi-Wan tells me.
But my energy, like my body, is dying, and some part of me knows that it is not the only thing I no longer care to save.
Memories flash through my mind, and I cling to one longer than the others- the memory of a blonde-haired boy, his clothes simple and his eyes innocent. How could Anakin have lost himself so completely? How could that boy be dead? How can such goodness be destroyed?
With the last of my ebbing strength, I lick my lips and force the last of air from my lungs. "Obi-Wan," I breathe, "there... is good in him… I know there is ... still . . ."
My head drops onto the pillow and my eyes flutter closed.
As I stare down at the lifeless shell that was my body, I watch Obi-Wan take its hand, and wonder if he heard the note of desperation in my dying voice.
I think of my children. I know Obi-Wan will do what he must, will see that they are safe.
I sigh, relaxing more totally than I ever did in life, and I think nothing more.