Hi Everyone. Here as it says in the blurb is my interpretation of the spoilers from the 8th, although to be honest it seems to have grown much bigger than that as I was writing it. As ever enjoy and please leave a review - I really do like to know what people think of my work.
The words began to blur as Jac read them so she closed her eyes tightly and rubbed them, making small circles on her eyelids with her fingertips and thinking that she'd just finish this paper and then call it a day, till she got home at least. She opened her eyes again and, finding her place, read on, she came to the end of the section and started to make notes before becoming distracted and beginning to doodle in the margins of the pad. 'Come on Jac focus' she thought to herself angrily, before looking at the doodles more closely she threw down her pen in disgust and running her hand through her hair said quietly "For godsakes Naylor get a grip. It's hardly the end of the world is it?"
And the truth was, that in the grand scheme of things, with everything else she had to contend with this should have been nothing, well perhaps not nothing but certainly not anything to make her feel so…so, she searched for the right word, but in the end was forced to come back to the one she had first thought of – bad. This should not have made her feel so bad, but it had. And it wasn't as if she hadn't been expecting it, she had in fact been bothered about it almost since the off, and was, in some ways, surprised that it hadn't happened before now. And she thought she'd prepared herself, that she was ready for it 'Wrong again Naylor' she thought to herself.
"And you can cut it out too" she suddenly said into the quiet of the room, glancing down at the swell of her stomach where the baby had made its presence felt again. "I don't need anyone else kicking me when I'm down" she continued, Jonny was unknowingly, she was sure, doing a good enough job of that himself. Not that she could, should blame him, she was absolutely sure that he had no idea how she was feeling, and why would he? And what was she expecting – him to be celibate till the baby was born? Why shouldn't he go out with other girls, sleep with them, do whatever he wanted with them? He was, after all, a free agent.
And she had known it would happen sometime, remembered worrying about how she would feel about it long ago, before the 12 week scan even – sitting in the prayer room dreading this moment, alongside thinking about other worries. Most of which, she thought ruefully, had come to pass, so why should this be any different. But she was still surprised at the effect it had had on her, how much it had stung seeing him with her. He had obviously been so pleased to see her again, and then seeing how he was with her – all smiles and acting like an idiot to make her laugh. Going out of his way to be nice to her although, Jac had to admit, that really wasn't unlike Jonny anyway, he always looked after the newbies, but she was sure he'd been extra nice today – particularly friendly and attentive.
"And I thought I told you to cut it out," she said, once more addressing the bump and shifting her position slightly. It was still weird when she felt these kicks but, whilst she wouldn't say she was used to them yet, she no longer startled when they happened. Which was just as well because she didn't think Jonny's heart could have stood it if she'd carried on as she had been for the first couple of days – stopping in her tracks and exclaiming each time. It had been quite sweet but also slightly annoying and he was well on the way to becoming a nervous wreck, so she was pleased that she was able to carry on almost as normal now. It was amazing, she was coming to realise, the things you were able to assimilate into the picture of who you are without really even trying, they just happened and you got on with them. And maybe this would be one of those things too, she supposed it would have to be, although no doubt with this there would have to be some effort expended on her part, because like it or not there was nothing she could do about it – 'nothing I would do about it', she corrected herself. Although, she had to admit she had been tempted to do something, say something to scupper their plans, and, after the day he knew she'd had it wouldn't have taken much. But then everyone had had a bad day, and she was sure it wouldn't be just the Darwin crowd drowning their sorrows in Albie's tonight. She could have killed for a large glass of wine herself, and thought suddenly, smiling wickedly, that maybe she should have said yes when he asked her to join them and ordered one just to see his face. But instead she had told him she already had plans, and on seeing his scepticism had elaborated. 'Hot bath, good book, early night," which seemed to have satisfied him, and wasn't too far from the truth either. And she wondered why she'd done that, not given in to the temptation, wishing now, now she realised just how bad it did make her feel, that she had. And even if it would only have been delaying the inevitable, it would, at least, have been one more night when she wouldn't have had to face the fact that the inevitable had happened. She supposed she still could do something about it, she knew all it would take was one phone call, that Jonny would drop everything for even the most tenuous of reasons she could give him. She looked over at her mobile, sitting innocently at the edge of her desk, but despite the temptation didn't pick it up. It wouldn't be fair, she reasoned, and maybe, just maybe nothing would happen. So perhaps, that was why she hadn't succumbed to the almost overwhelming temptation, she concluded, it was a test. Both of her and him – him to see whether he would in fact do anything, and her to see if she could cope with it if he did. She was trying to prove to herself, yet again, that she was strong herself to deal with anything, that she could do this, and there was also, still, that very tiny sliver of hope that he wouldn't, in fact, do what she was dreading.
She hoped he had the sense not to drink too much tonight, not only because if he did it would make it much more likely that he would do something she would regret but also because she didn't feel like being drunk-dialled at stupid o'clock like she had been last week, especially not if it meant she'd got confirmation of her fears. At least that wasn't an issue last week – it had only been him and Mo and a few of the other Darwin nurses, who she knew she didn't have to worry about, who had gone out. And, because he was off the next day he'd got (she assumed) slightly more drunk than he would normally and phoned her to 'make sure she was OK' at quarter to two in the morning from the taxi he and Mo were sharing home. The fact that she was awake before he phoned wasn't something she shared with him, mostly because she had wanted him to feel as guilty as possible when he eventually sobered up. "I know, I'm mean aren't I" she said stroking the bump absentmindedly, and smiling at the memory of just how guilty Jonny had felt the next day, even coming in on his day off to apologise in person, and all the things she'd got him to do for her over the next few days. But also because she hadn't wanted him to jump to the right conclusion that she was lying in bed worrying unable to sleep, preferring him to believe that she was always as resolutely positive as she'd professed to be in her speech to Elliott and Mo. The façade was much easier to maintain in the day, she had found, when there was always something she could find to distract her from the thoughts which seemed to creep into her head of their own volition. But at night there was seemingly nothing she could do sometimes to stop them, and she would either lie there for hours unable to sleep or wake up suddenly and be unable to get back to sleep, overwhelmed by the what if's and maybes, the uncertainty of everything. Some nights, the worst nights, she would only get three or four hours sleep and even then it wouldn't be particularly restful, filled instead with dark, disturbing dreams which she could never remember when she woke, but which she knew were frightening. But she was sometimes thankful for those nights too, because they meant that at some point, after she had had two or three or them her body would be so tired that it would overrule her mind and she would finally get a full night's sleep, born of pure exhaustion and a desperation she had never known before.
All these thoughts of tiredness and sleep caused her to yawn, and she stretched in her seat, feeling corresponding movements from the baby, not a kick or punch this time, (she was never sure which and was, in a way, looking forward to being able to see whether it was a foot or a hand, or some other part, that was responsible, but was also worried that she might feel even more like John Hurt when that eventually started to happen,) but a gentle rolling, as if it was making itself comfy. She had felt these types of movements long before the first kick, which had given Jonny such a shock, but hadn't been sure whether the flutterings she felt were indeed the baby moving or something else, although what else they could have been she wasn't sure. She had only had confirmation at the 20 week scan when Mr T had seen it moving it on the screen and she had felt it at the same time. Thinking of the 20 week scan brought her back down to earth and she remembered what she was meant to be doing. She picked her up her pen again and determined to get this finished, crossed through the doodles she had drawn with definite strokes of the pen, reminding herself again that she had far more important things to think about than what Jonny was up to with her on his night out. She shook her head as if to rid herself of any last lingering thoughts on the subject, and referring back to the paper began to make notes once more.
By the time she'd finished reading the words had once again started to swim in front of her eyes, whether through tiredness or unshed tears she couldn't really tell and, truth be told, she didn't really want to think about which it was. She just needed to make notes on this last section, and then would make a move – the hot bath and early night she had told Jonny she was going to have, growing more appealing by the minute, the good book less so if her reading ability here was anything to go by. She was disturbed a few minutes later by a gentle knock at the door, and puzzled as to which of the late shift would want her when they all knew she wasn't officially here and that both Dr Fielding and Jenna were there, said "Come in" and looked expectantly at the door. When she saw who it was, her eyes widened and she was unable to keep the surprise out of her voice as she asked. "Why are you here?"
"I saw the light from outside, and I knew it couldn't be Elliott." Jonny answered simply, moving into the office. "And anyway I could ask you the same thing," he continued. "You said you were going to get an early night – what are you still doing here?"
"I just started reading" Jac replied, indicating the pile of papers, "and then suddenly it's…whatever time it is now. What time is it?" she asked distractedly, reaching for her mouse to check the computer clock.
"Ten past eight," Jonny answered before she had the chance to do so.
"Really?" Jac asked, wondering where the time had gone, "oh."
"Come on Jac, you've got to start looking after yourself," Jonny replied, "that's far more important than work."
"It's not work," Jac snapped irritably.
But Jonny didn't seem to have heard, or had chosen to ignore her, continuing. "And I don't suppose you've had anything to eat, except biscuits, since lunch."
"Actually," Jac interrupted him, determined to fight her corner, "I had a banana and a yoghurt at half past six. And I'll get something when I get home anyway!"
"Toast is not a meal!" Jonny said pointedly.
"No," Jac replied, feeling herself becoming increasingly riled but trying to remain calm, "but beans on toast is a highly nutritious meal especially" she continued, as she saw Jonny preparing to say something, "when you use low salt, low sugar beans and it's accompanied by a little bit of cheese on top and a glass of orange juice, and followed by an apple and some mixed berries."
"Fine," Jonny said, "but I could do better than beans on toast if you'd like."
And him saying this reminded Jac of something and she said, "And you never did answer my question properly. What are you doing here? I thought you were going to Albie's with Mo and whatshername?"
"I was. I did." Jonny replied, "but I'm on an early tomorrow and I didn't really want to feel terrible for the whole shift."
"That's never stopped you before." Jac muttered
"And to be honest," Jonny continued, either not hearing or once again choosing to ignore her comment, "Albie's wasn't all that conducive to feelings of jollity and joy tonight anyway. So Mo and some of the others have gone on somewhere else, but I didn't fancy it."
"No you'd rather check up on me" she replied sulkily. But inside her heart soared and she suddenly felt lighter somehow. 'He didn't fancy it' she thought, to herself, holding tightly to his words, as if they were treasure, 'he didn't want to go out with her.' The inevitable hadn't happened!
"Hey, that's not fair. I didn't know you'd still be here – you weren't meant to be" he answered pointedly.
"Well I've nearly finished now" Jac replied, no sign of her inner happiness permeating her outer appearance, writing the final line of notes onto her pad, and continuing as she did so "so you can stop worrying about me now."
'As if,' Jonny thought to himself, but instead said, "So now you've finished" he said noting that she'd put her pen down and closed the pad up, "what about it?"
"What about what?" Jac asked irritably, continuing. "I'm too tired for riddles Jonny!"
"How about I cook you something a bit better than beans on toast?" Jac looked up from putting her things in her bag with an expression of disbelief on her face. "Oh come on Jac," Jonny continued. "Is it really so hard to think about me cooking you a meal. And," he continued, "if you're too tired for riddles I can't see you being too keen on making yourself anything when you do get home either – even if it is only beans on toast."
Jac looked at him for a few moments more before saying, grudgingly, as she stood up, "Fine, but you'll have to get a taxi back to yours after - I'm not having you driving anywhere."
"But I've only had two pints" Jonny argued.
"That's two too many to drive then," Jac asserted definitely as she walked towards him. "The last thing I need is you up on a drink-drive charge" 'or dead in a ditch somewhere' she thought but didn't say.
"Ok, ok" Jonny relented, "you drive and I'll get a taxi back. And one in tomorrow morning," he continued pointedly
"You should be thanking me" Jac said, "I'm saving you from yourself"
"Yeah, right - thanks" Jonny said sarcastically.
"It's my pleasure! Jac said smiling slyly at him. "Right, I just need to get changed then we'll go, ok?" she continued, not waiting for him to answer before opening the door and heading to the locker room.
"Yes of course my lady, anything you say my lady" Jonny muttered to himself, before settling down to wait for her on the sofa.
"What is she doing?" he said out loud, when minutes later Jac still hadn't returned. 'How long can it take to get changed?' he continued to himself. He stood up and walked to the door but there was no sign of her yet. He wandered over to Elliott's desk looking for something to do to occupy himself and absentmindedly picked up one of the models of the heart that was on there, before hurriedly replacing it when he noticed the effect moving it had had on the other desk contents. He glanced over at Jac's desk, a more complete contrast to the chaos of Elliott's not really possible, and noticed the stack of papers that were still there. 'Not work' he thought to himself, 'yeah right', and he crossed the short distance between the desks to take a closer look. 'I knew it,' he thought, as he saw the 'Brit. J. of Surg.' printed at the top of the first paper on the pile. Then, felt his legs give way and had to sit down as, when he moved the pad that had been obscuring the rest of the paper he saw the title, 'Congenital diaphragmatic hernia'. He flicked through the next couple of papers: 'Analysis of an improved survival rate for congenital diaphragmatic hernia'; 'Current surgical management of congenital diaphragmatic hernia: A report from the Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia Study Group'; 'A randomized trial of fetal endoscopic tracheal occlusion for severe fetal congenital diaphragmatic hernia'…
"I told you" Jac said quietly from the doorway.
"Jac" Jonny stuttered, "I had no…I just"
"I asked the librarian to do a literature search." Jac said, walking towards him. "You know, knowledge is power and all that. And these" she continued, reaching him and picking the papers and her notepad up, "were the first ones she'd got…Everyone must know" she said after a slight pause. "She brought them up herself at the end of the day, just before I was leaving, and I don't think that's normal practice." She continued, smiling sadly at him, "still at least she didn't have that 'poor you' expression most people appear to acquire whenever they see me. She just looked normal and said she'd bring the other articles up whenever they arrived." She looked at him for a few moments, hugging the papers to herself before saying, after the smallest shake of her head. "Right then, you ready?"
And Jonny who was still having trouble taking it all in, could only say, "yep, yep I'm ready"
"Come on then" Jac said, waiting for him to stand up and looking at him rather oddly as he did so, before saying, "Are you OK?...It's just you look a bi.."
"No, no I'm fine," Jonny interrupted, realising that if she could do this, then he would just jolly well have to be able to too. "Let's get you home and we'll see what culinary delights I can conjure up from the meagre supplies at yours shall we eh?"
"I've got loads of stuff in" Jac objected as they walked out of the office door.
"Yeah right" Jonny said, the disbelief evident in his voice.
"I have," Jac insisted, "you're going to feel so stupid when you get there and see how wrong you are"
"And that'll be a whole new experience" Jonny replied sarcastically as they reached the ward doors. "Feeling stupid when I'm with you – well there's got to be a first time"
And Jac's response was muffled by the doors but Gwen who had been listening to their exchange from the nurse's station had no doubt that Jac would triumph in the end. 'After all,' she thought to herself, 'Miss Naylor very, very rarely loses an argument, and it didn't sound to me like Jonny had much of a chance of changing that record'.