A/N: Dedicated to my friend Bronwyn who just turned 17 today, and for whom I wrote this story for exactly one year ago in the most epic birthday card of all time. Love you girl! Originally titled "Bronwyn's Immortal Birthday Card"

*Warnings: Some violence, mention of suicide, and the intentional use of awful grammar and punctuation

The Devil's Demise

Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, the 'goffik' vampire/ Mary Sue of Hogwarts, was sitting at the Slytherin table with her posse just drinking blood smoothies, when suddenly... an old, tall, pale man wearing long black robes entered the Great Hall, his high heels clacking on the floor as he walked down the aisle.

"Ermagherdd!" Ebony Shrieked. "Lrk at dat ergly preppy man!"

It was...

VOLDEMORT!

"ENOBY!" Voldemort screeched, "THOU HATH NOT KILLED VAMPIRE POTTER! THOU MUST DIEYEST!" He was carrying a gun in his hand, because you know, magic just isn't enough to kill a person apparently.

"OMS!" the Sue 'yielded.' "IT'S VOLXEMORT! SAVE ME DARKO!"

But Draco just sat there, a single tear falling from his 'depressed' eyes as he stared at her 'sexily.'

The Sue then turned to her other so-called friends, 'B'loody Mart,' 'Diabolo,' 'Dracola,' and the 'kawaiest' bitch herself, Willow, but none of them could speak a word.

"FINE!" she screamed. "Il see al you fuking prepz IN HELL!"

Ebony took a steak off the table and plunged it into her chest as Voldemort walked up behind her, but unfortunately vampires cannot be killed by slabs of beef.

"IT'S NO USE EFOFY!" Voldemort cackled. "THOU MUST ACCEPT THY FATE!

"ABBA KEDABRA!"

He 'shooted,' and Ebony collapsed to the floor, flat on her back. Voldemort then shot her lifeless form 15 times for good measure and set her body on fire.

EBONY DARK'NESS DEMENTIA RAVEN WAY WAS NO MORE!

Cheers erupted from all around the Great Hall as the tune to ABBA's "Take a Chance on me" filled the entire school. That day, everyone was so overjoyed that they forgot about Voldemort's evil past, and Voldemort was so swept up with emotion himself that he completely forgot about his plot to murder Vampire Potter.

'Dumblydore' named Voldemort headmaster for the rest of the 'skull' year so he could finally take a leave of absence and once and for all see N'Sync on tour, and a few months later, Voldemort ran for Minister of Magic and won due to his epic campaign posters: 'Volxemort: The original gun toting, high heal wearing, olde English speaking prep.'

Of course, everyone soon came to regret their electoral votes when Voldemort came into power and returned to being evil again.

He enslaved the entire world and practically annihilated the entire Muggle race. He also finally managed to kill Harry Potter (as all characters magically went back to cannon after Ebony's death) and all of his friends. He had Ron Weasley's stupidity to thank after Ron discovered his pipe bomb in Hogwarts and brought it back to his friends in triumph for finding the source of the ticking. Voldemort was in utter shock, as he realized that he wasted 16 years of his life making elaborate plots and schemes to kill Potter, which only ended in failure, when all he had to do was use technology from the very race he loathed.

When Dumbledore returned from his long trip and saw what became of the Wizarding World, he immediately realized his mistake and was plagued by guilt, especially when he heard the news of Harry's death. All those years of protection had gone to waste. Dumbledore was so overcome with depression and remorse that he committed suicide to be with the students that he failed to protect. He left behind a note, which had only two words on it, "My bad!" and a small winky face drawn next to it.

They all descended into Hell and cried in fear when they saw Ebony sitting on a large, fiery throne. She laughed, "You can never escape my immortal soul."

A/N: Well, I hope you liked this short (and purposely terrible) story! If you haven't read the infamous My Immortal, GO DO THAT NOW! You're missing out on all the bad story lines, unnecessarily long ellipses and descriptions, the horrendous abuse to the English language, and general LOLz that cannot be compared to any other fanfic! *WARNING: It is not for the faint of heart. It can be quite graffic, but it's so badly done that it's extremely laughable!