Daria just grunted, doing her best to ignore the world and hoped it returned the favor. She wore a dark green hoodie, with the hood up over her head as much as possible. From under the hood stuck the rim of a generic baseball cap, pulled as low over her face as much as possible. Black jeans completed the ensemble.
"What I mean, Daria, is that you don't try to make friends with people as easily as Quinn."
Daria grunted again. Jake furrowed his eyebrows, but let his daughter sit in silence as he drove both his girls the rest of the way to their new high school.
As he pulled to a stop, Quinn jumped out and was immediately beset by the adoring public. "Hi! You're cool. What's your name?" one girl asked.
"Quinn Morgendorffer," she replied.
"Cool name," a second girl observed.
"Will you go out with me?" a young man solicited.
"Try to warm up to the other kids, please, Daria?"
Daria's reply was no different from the other two times Jake had solicited conversation, and attempted to inconspicuously slip out of the car's backseat and make her way to class unmolested.
She almost made it, to her surprise.
XXXX
"As you can see, our Lawndale High students take great pride in their school. That's why you'll each be taking..." Ms. Li, the school principal, noticed Daria's attire and scowled. "Miss, the facial recognition on the cameras...er, the school's dress code prohibit hats or raised hoods. Please remove both immediately." Her tone of voice brokered no dissent.
Daria grunted again and (very slowly) slid back her hood and removed her baseball cap. She shook out her long, golden locks of hair and in an instant Quinn Morgendorffer's name was forgotten by every boy present.
Quinn may have been the cutest girl in school, but Daria was GORGEOUS.
"Will you go out with me?" a boy (the same one from earlier) asked.
"No, go out with me!" another boy demanded.
"Would you like to join the Fashion Club?" the girl from earier who had complimented Quinn's name offered.
"Join the Pep Squad?" another girl offered.
"-Cheerleaders?" A third girl said. The requests for dates and offers of clubs to join began to drown each other (and everything else) out.
Daria broke into a dead run down the hallway, being chased by what seemed to be half the students in high school as they begged her for attention. Ms. Li chased after the rabble, shouting for order.
XXXX
Half an hour later, after the pseudo-riot had been broken up, Daria was practically shoved into the psychologist's office. Quinn had already been through, so Daria's psych exam would be solo.
Dr. Manson held up a picture for Daria. "Now, Daria, what do you see here?"
Daria muttered something incomprehensible (though it sounded obscene...and physically impossible).
"What was that?"
"A herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains," Daria said through gritted teeth.
"Uh, there aren't any ponies. It's two people."
"Last time I took one of these tests, they told me they were clouds. They said they could be whatever I wanted."
"Um, that's a different test, dear. In this test, they're people, and you tell me what they're discussing."
"Oh. All right then. It's a guy and a girl and they're discussing...a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains."
Dr. Manson frowned. "Why are you so cranky, Daria? Beautiful people like you shouldn't be cranky."
"Oh? Why shouldn't I?" Daria growled out, starting to get angry.
"Well, what could you possibly have to be angry about?"
"What indeed," Daria snapped, thrusting up from the chair and heading for the door.
"Oh, one more thing, Daria," Dr. Manson called out. "It says here in your file that you don't actually have a prescription for glasses, and the dress code prohibits the wearing of non-prescripton glasses and sunglasses."
Daria glared at the psychologist before removing the big, round frames (with plastic lenses) and thrusting them into her pocket. (Her glare might have been more intimidating if she didn't have the most beautiful baby-blue eyes).
XXXX
"Class, we have a new STUDENT joining us today. Please welcome Daria Morgendorffer. Daria, raise your hand, please."
Daria had her head down on her desk. She did not raise her hand.
DeMartino scowled. "Daria, just because you're NEW and BLONDE does not give you LICENSE to IGNORE ME!"
Daria briefly raised her hand up from the desk (but not the arm), and then let it drop half a second later.
"WELL, Daria! As long as you have your hand raised..." He chuckled. "Last week, we began a unit on westward expansion. Perhaps you feel it's UNFAIR to be asked a question on your first day of class."
Daria was silent.
"...Daria, can you concisely and unemotionally sum up for us the doctrine of Manifest Destiny?"
"Yes."
"...Well?" DeMartino prompted.
"You asked if I could. I can. I just choose not to."
Everybody in class could practically see the steam coming from DeMartino's ears. "Fine, then. WOULD you CONCISELY AND UNEMOTIONALLY SUM UP THE DOCTRINE OF MANIFEST DESTINY?"
Daria lifted her head up from her desk. "Manifest Destiny was a slogan popular in the 1840s. It was used by the people who claimed it was God's will for the U.S. to expand all the way to the Pacific Ocean. These people did not include many Mexicans." Her head had reached the desk again the second the last syllable left her lips. (Many of the boys in the class wondered what it would be like to kiss those lips).
DeMartino's jaw moved on its own for a second before sound managed to come out. "Very good, Daria. Almost...suspiciously good. Alright, class. Who can tell me which war Manifest Destiny was used to justify?"
XXXX
"Well, first they asked me to join the pep squad, but then Daria showed her face and ruined it, like usual," Quinn pouted. "Sandi told me she didn't want me in the Fashion Club either, if I'm so second-rate compared to my sister. So for now, I'm a reserve cheerleader, and that's it."
"Now Quinn, you can't blame Daria for all of that," Jake counseled.
"WHAT? Sure I can! Just LOOK at her!" Quinn wildly gestured to Daria, who made a very rude gesture back at Quinn.
"Daria! Apologize to Quinn!" Helen admonished. Daria muttered an utterly insincere sorry. "Now, how did your day go, Daria?"
"Well, I started a riot in my first five minutes. Tragically, nobody was trampled to death."
"I mean did anybody invite you to any clubs or organizations?"
"I was invited to join the Baby Seal Club."
Quinn perked up. "I didn't hear about any Baby Seal Club."
"It's what they use to club baby seals," Daria explained.
"That's just WRONG!" Quinn exclaimed.
"Daria, apologize to your sister!" Helen ordered again. Daria's second apology was no more sincere than the first.
Before the verbal exchange could continue, the phone rang. Helen went to answer it. "Hello? ...Yes. ...Uh, yes, she's my daughter. ...I see. Listen, will this require any parent-teacher conferences or anything, and if so, is this the sort of thing my assistant can handle? ...Okay, great. Bye!" Helen returned to the dinner table. "You girls took a psychological test at school today?"
"They said we wouldn't be graded!" Quinn complained.
"Daria, they want you to take a special class for a few weeks, then they'll test you again."
"YOU flunked the test?" Quinn said increduously.
"She didn't flunk anything. It seems she has low self-esteem."
"Why would I have low self-esteem? I'm so pretty. There's nothing I could dislike about myself." Daria's tone was mostly anger, mixed in with loathing. Before anybody could respond, she stood up from the table (pushing her chair back hard enough that it fell backwards) and stomped upstairs to her room.
"Is she going to have, like, a breakdown or something? 'Cause then I could get back into the Fashion Club," Quinn pointed out.
XXXXXXXXXX
This story was inspired as I watched Legally Blonde and wondered, what would Daria be like if she were blonde? And better looking than Quinn?
I did briefly consider 'Legally Blonde' for the title, but that would have spoiled the reveal, I think. I also considered 'Daria the Beauty' (in contrast to 'Quinn the Brain'), but I don't think it has quite the same...mm, jibe? I don't think that's a real word, but I don't think it has quite the same jibe as Way Too Cute.