Summary: Soifon has been having a particularly disagreeable week on account of the behavior of her colleagues, but what she doesn't know is that the moral corruption she sees around her goes a lot deeper than she thinks.
Originally written close to five years ago, but never posted for reasons you are about to discover. In short, this sucks.
Soifon had been having a particularly disagreeable week. It was true that her days were normally disagreeable, and that she expended considerable energy every day in remonstrating with Soul Reapers who seemed to have forgotten that the uniform they wore bound them to certain responsibilities and demanded high standards of behavior; but what she had seen and experienced this week went far beyond a couple of low-ranking officers lying drunk in the middle of the street at noon or extorting money from poor souls in the Rukongai. It was, to put it mildly, unprecedented.
The matter weighed so heavily on Soifon that she found it impossible to focus on her work until something was done about it. She rose from her desk, disturbing a teacup in the process, the contents of which had unfortunately not been consumed. In a few short seconds, all the work to which Soifon had dedicated her week was irrevocably inundated with tea, ink dissolving into nothingness, leaving only stained paper.
Soifon's consternation was difficult to estimate. She vented only a small portion of it by using Shunko to destroy the whole office and everything it contained, reducing books and furniture to ashes, before storming out with the intent of reporting the matter to the Head Captain. Not the matter of the tea destroying all her work, of course, which was only a natural consequence of all the frustration and anger she had been bottling up all week, but the larger problems of corruption and debauchery that were deep-rooted in Soul Society, and of late had metastasized to even the highest ranks of the Gotei 13.
A seated officer of Squad 4, who had been passing by, made the mistake of remarking on how good the morning was; and before he knew what was going on, Soifon had punched him square in the face. He was later found unconscious three blocks away.
When Soifon reached her destination, she rapped sharply on the tall doors that bore the imposing insignia of Squad 1. The guards who stood on either side, normally punctilious in controlling the flow of people into the Head Captain's office, decided that remaining silent and unobtrusively blending in with their surroundings was the wise thing to do, given Soifon's mood.
"Come in." The voice of the Head Captain issued from within.
Soifon flung wide the doors, and marched in, her footsteps falling like those of a being that weighed many times her weight.
"Captain Soifon," said Yamamoto, his moustaches bristling in irritation. He had asked not to be disturbed that morning. "What is the matter with you?"
"With me?" she shouted, waving her arms animatedly. "You ask what is the matter with me?" Under normal circumstances Soifon wouldn't have dared to address the Head Captain so rudely. These, however, were not normal circumstances.
Yamamoto seemed to have realized this, too, for he composed himself with some effort.
"Why are you here?"
"I have a complaint to file against my colleagues."
"All right. Which of your colleagues?"
"All of them."
"All of them?"
"Yes. As well as my subordinates and the subordinates of all the other captains."
"I see," said Yamamoto, scratching his thick-bearded chin thoughtfully. "Then you have a complaint against everyone in the Seireitei?"
"That's right."
"What is it that bothers you?"
"Everyone has been so infernally uncouth lately. It's like they've forgotten what the word 'discipline' means."
"Would you care to expand on your gravamina?"
"Just this morning, for instance, Zaraki made a pass at me when I was on my way back from the training grounds."
"That is serious. What was the nature of this… ahem… pass that he made at you?"
Yamamoto's curiosity seemed less to do with appraising the seriousness of Zaraki's indecorum than than with trying to picture the scene clearly in his head.
"I couldn't tell you that," said Soifon, raising an eyebrow suspiciously. It was her pride that prevented her describing her humiliation, but the exact nature of the event was, in any case, irrelevant to the issue at hand, which was that passes of any nature oughtn't to be made at any Soul Reaper.
"I see. Is there anything else you wanted to add?"
"Yes. Byakuya Kuchiki, that moron. Everyone thinks he's all noble and all that, but even he doesn't seem to know what discipline means. He slapped me a couple of days ago."
"He did, did he?"
"On the butt."
"Oh?" said Yamamoto, eyes widening. "And what was the nature of this… ahem… physical assault on your person?"
"Is something wrong with you?"
Yamamoto started, licking away a bead of drool that had formed at the corner of his mouth.
"Nothing, nothing at all," he said hastily. "Where were we?"
"When I woke up yesterday I found Captain Kyoraku in bed next to me – under the same covers."
"Shunsui did that?"
"And captain Hitsugaya was in my bathtub playing with a rubber duck when I went in to take a shower."
"A rubber duck, you say?"
"Yes, a rubber duck."
"And what color was this rubber duck?"
"Is that important?"
Yamamoto banged his fist on the table imperiously.
"I decide what is important and what is not. Now tell me, what color was the duck?"
"White."
"A white rubber duck?"
"Yes, but I don't see why it matters. Anyway, that's not all. I heard sounds in my closet in the middle of the night, and when I opened the door, I found Lieutenant Matsumoto sitting in there. She was…" She couldn't bring herself to say something so vulgar. "She was…" And what a disturbing sight it had been! "She was… putting makeup on her face."
"Go on."
"And… and when I broke one of my subordinate's arms during training a few days ago, Captain Komamura suddenly jumped out from behind a bush, ripped the arm off, and dragged it away in his mouth."
"You must forgive him. He still has carnivorous tendencies."
"Then that would be all, sir."
"H'm…" said Yamamoto thoughtfully, steepling his fingers. "It would appear that the most serious among the charges you've made are the ones involving an invasion of your personal space. Very well. I shall see to it that Byakuya, Shunsui, and Zaraki are executed tomorrow morning at Sokyoku Hill."
"No!" exclaimed Soifon, and then covered her mouth. "I mean…" What she had been seeking was more along the lines of corrective rather than punitive measures. Capital punishment was beyond excessive. "You can't execute them."
"You may go," said Yamamoto with a nod.
"But…"
"Go!"
After Soifon had left, Yamamoto sent for Mayuri.
"Everything going as planned, Captain Kurotsuchi?"
"Yes, indeed," cackled Mayuri. "I have administered the drug to all Soul Reapers except, of course, for me, you, and the head of the Punishment Force."
"Good."
"Are the results to your satisfaction?"
"Yes. Soifon just told me of her experiences with her colleagues."
"I see." Mayuri cackled some more.
"And I have determined that Captains Kuchiki, Kyoraki, and Zaraki shall be executed tomorrow morning."
"Ah yes, one must be sure to eliminate one's competition."
Yamamoto ignored him.
"Just out of curiosity, how exactly does this drug of yours work?"
"I shall try to dumb it down for you," said Mayuri superciliously. "It injects radioactive particles into the victim's brain that I can control from my computer. They become, in effect, puppets."
"Ingenious," said Yamamoto. "And what about the second part of our plan?"
"Everything is ready, of course. I hope you haven't forgotten that such a delicate task will cost you a considerable amount."
"Name your price."
Mayuri named his price.
Yamamoto emitted a sound like that of a dying turkey. Then he recomposed himself, and feigned indifference.
"Done."
"Done," said Mayuri. "I shall commence Part II of our operation this afternoon."
The next morning Soifon awoke to the sound of stertorous snoring. She opened her eyes and found that her entire field of vision was taken up by a white expanse. A few blinks later she realized that she was staring into a white beard.
The sound of her scream was heard up to half a mile away. The Kuchiki Manor was located at this distance.
Byakuya got up with a start. The screaming was annoying him, so he decided to put a stop to it. He went over to Squad 2, and entered Soifon's bedroom, only to find her screaming wildly and strangling something that looked like an old man. His jaw dropped.
"Captain Soifon…"
"Oh, Captain Kuchiki!" Soifon detached herself from Yamamoto, and rushed over to Byakuya. "I'm so glad you showed up."
"What seems to be the problem here?" Byakuya had lost an entire hour of sleep, and was doomed to be stuck with a haggard look all day, bags under his eyes and everything. It was a ghastly thought.
Yamamoto, meanwhile, having recovered from Soifon's unexpected attack, rose grumblingly to his feet.
"Damn it…"
"How shameful," said Byakuya, rounding on Yamamoto. "I would never have suspected you of harboring lustful thoughts for your subordinates."
Yamamoto ground his teeth, and cursed again.
"Genryusai Shigekuni Yamamoto," said Byakuya, "you are not worthy of the title of Head Captain."
Before Yamamoto could reply, the air became thick with flash-stepping Soul Reapers.
Soon Yamamoto found himself surrounded by all the captains of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads, Aizen, Gin, and Tousen included. Zaraki held a feebly struggling Mayuri in the air by his cravat.
"We came to hear of what had happened," said Captain Unohana, her normally placid and kindly face now cold and hard.
"I can't believe it," said Kyoraku, shaking his head. "I can't believe my eyes."
"I couldn't believe my eyes if I wanted to," said Tousen with a touch of self-pity.
"Well, well," said Gin archly. "What do we have here? You're a bad old man, Head Captain Yamamoto."
Captain Hitsugaya initially didn't understand what was going on. Aizen explained it to him indulgently.
"Oh," said Hitsugaya. Then he shuddered. "That's disgusting!"
"Head Captain Yamamoto," said Captain Unohana. "Or should I say, former Head Captain Yamamoto. You have been caught red-handed."
Yamamoto snarled and made to reach for his Zanpakutō, but found to his chagrin that it wasn't in his sash.
Kyoraku dangled it teasingly in front of his eyes.
"Looking for this, Old Man Yama?" He had surreptitiously stolen it by materializing in Yamamoto's shadow when he wasn't looking.
"Don't underestimate me, foolish children." Yamamoto's voice boomed ominously, and flames engulfed his body as he raised his hand to release a high-level Kidō.
Aizen swiftly chopped off his arm.
"I'm afraid I can't let you do that."
Yamamoto fell to his knees in defeat, howling in pain.
That evening, both Yamamoto and Mayuri were executed atop Sokyoku Hill. Nobody showed up at the funeral.
Later on, when the remaining captains were discussing who should become the new Head Captain, Aizen declared that, since he was the strongest Soul Reaper by a long shot, it should be he.
"I thought you defected," said Ukitake.
"The only reason I defected in the first place was because I couldn't stand that old fool. I wanted power so I could defeat him. But now that there's a vacancy in his position, I don't need to carry on with that pointless plot of mine."
Momo materialized out of nowhere and hugged the wind out of Aizen, now Head Captain Aizen, who placed a fatherly hand on her head.
"I knew you weren't bad! Everyone said you were, but I knew different!"
Head Captain Aizen went on to effect a series of reforms in an attempt to make up for Yamamoto's total lack of competence.
"That was a very productive meeting," said Byakuya approvingly to Aizen at the end of a Captain's Meeting a few weeks hence. Nobody had ever said something like that to Yamamoto in his one thousand years of being the Head Captain.
One day a giant bald Hollow with a long, long beard appeared in Soul Society.
"Well, this is amazing," said Kyoraku as all the captains hastened to confront it. "Who knew he would come back as a Hollow?"
"This is certainly new," said Aizen. In the one hundred years he had spent studying Hollows, he had never – not once – come across an instance of a Shinigami transforming into a Hollow in the afterlife.
"I see," said Unohana knowingly. "Genryusai Shigekuni Yamamoto had a hole in his heart that he wanted Soifon to fill."
Soifon excused herself, went over to a nearby bush, and began vomiting.
"How tragic," said Kyoraku as he cut the shrieking Hollow across the chest.
Soifon returned, and with two well-aimed stabs of her Shikai, disposed of Yamamoto for good.
End.