Disclaimer: Don't own Glee, don't own Nascar.
xXx
Finn walked in his house one Sunday afternoon to hear Kurt and Burt yelling. At first he thought they were fighting again, but then he listened.
"GO LAGANO!" Kurt was cheering.
"LAGANO SUCKS, GO STEWART!" Finn had no idea who Burt and Kurt were talking about, but he heard vrooming noices and knew that it had to be good. Kurt was practically jumping up and down and Burt was cramming popcorn into his mouth as he watched the cars on the TV intently.
"What are you guys doing?" Finn couldn't stop the smile from spreading across his face as Kurt composed himself to a more calm composure.
The casual facade was ruined as an orange car with Home Depot printed on the side crashed into another, "Nooooooo!" Kurt screeched.
"Just watchin' the race, wanna join, Finn?" Burt offered.
"Um," Finn had never seen Kurt get so emotional about a sport before, "Sure, it must be good if Kurt's into it."
Kurt grumpily scooted over on the couch to make room for Finn to sit between him and his father, "Joey has failed me."
Burt chuckled and Finn stared at the cars driving in circles, "So, who's the good guy?"
"As of now," Kurt glared at the television screen, "Carl Edwards. YOU'VE BEEN REPLACED JOEY!"
"That guy is a jerk." Burt informed them.
"No," Kurt said defensively, "he just has anger issues and probably beats his wife."
Finn laughed and then realized Kurt was being totally serious, "Well, that's not very nice."
Kurt rolled his eyes, "This coming from the guy who used to let other people throw me in dumpsters."
"What?" Burt's voice had a protective edge.
"I was just there to hold your jacket, man." Finn watched the names roll across the screen, announcing the placings, "That Carl guy must be good, he's winning."
"Shouldn't be." Burt growled.
"Keselowski was asking for it." Kurt crossed his arms, "Carl could have won if it weren't for him."
"And he could have won if it weren't for Carl." Burt argued.
"An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth." Kurt smirked.
"That sounds kinda painful." Finn lifted a hand to his mouth.
"It's a figure of speech Finn." Kurt explained.
"Kurt," Burt looked over at his son, "If you ever date a guy like that, I'm getting the shotgun and it will be loaded unlike what happed with that Blaine kid."
Kurt shook his head, "Poor, poor, Blaine. He didn't see that one coming now did he."
"Nope." Burt smiled proudly.
"What did you do to Blaine?" Finn gasped.
"I promised him that I wouldn't tell." Kurt giggled.
"Was it really that bad?" Finn asked in wonder.
"Let's just say, he'll be afraid to eat celery for a long time." Burt smirked evily.
Finn's eyes widened in horror but he decided to let it go. He also make a mental note to give some celery to Blaine and see what happens.
"NO NOT YOU TOO CARL!" Kurt collapsed to his knees. He was being so uncharacteristical. The Kurt that Finn knew would be horriffied if he was asked to sit on the floor. The Kurt that Finn knew would never be caught dead screaming at the TV. The Kurt that Finn knew hated sports with a fiery passion. Then it clicked. This wasn't Kurt, it was... REDNECK!KURT! Oh the guys in gel HAD to see this!
xXx
"Hey Kurt." Finn called from his seat as Kurt walked into the choir room with Mercedes, the last two to come other than Mr. Schue who really needed to get that watch fixed.
"Finneas." Kurt nodded.
"I can't believe you just called me that, you promised not to!" Finn put on his 'I'm about to burst into tears' face, but it disappeared seconds later, "Who's your favorite racecar driver now?"
Puck snorted, "Dude, Kurt, do you really watch racing? Two words man, Tony freaking Stewart."
"That was three words Puckerman and Joey has redeemed himself." Kurt sat down in his seat and crossed his legs.
"Joey? Really?" Puck asked, "What, do you think he's sexy or something?"
Kurt blushed, "What?"
"My sister keeps going on about how hot he is." Puck glared at the floor.
"My dad has an obsession with that racing show." Rachel spoke up.
"You'll have to be a little more specific." Mercedes laughed.
"How many of you even watch that show?" Finn questioned.
Tina, Kurt, Puck, Rachel, Lauren, Santanna, Quinn, and Brittany, all raised their hands.
"I shoulda started watching a long time ago!" Finn pouted, "Now I feel left out."
"Don't worry," Quinn said, "It makes me feel like a redneck for watching it."
Oh I would love to see redneck!Quinn. Finn thought to himself.
"I think Lagano is hot." Tina smiled dreamily, the smiled disappeared as she saw Mike's sad face, "Not as hot as my boy." She added, cheering Mike up.
"I just don't get it," Brittany frowned, "why is it always on the animal channel?"
"Fox isn't-" Santanna sighed, no use trying to explain it, "Cars are animals honey."
"Oh." Brittany nodded and smiled again.
"Please stop your conversations and give all attention to me." Rachel skipped to the front of the room as everyone stared at her, "I just want to say..."
"Oh my gaga Berry just say it before I clock you!" Kurt threatened.
"Violence is not the answer Kurt." Rachel crossed her arms stubbornly.
"It is at this school." Kurt moped.
"I just want to say that we should perform a song about embracing our inner redneck." She clapped her hands together proudly.
"Oh, now that's just the lamest idea ever." Mercedes rolled her eyes.
"Got that right," Santanna agreed, "I ain't no redneck just 'cause I watch a freaking race every Sunday."
"You watch Sprint cup too?" Puck smiled.
"If I want you to talk, Puckerman, I'll ask you a question." She snapped at him.
"I just like watching stuff explode." Lauren imputted.
"Well I was thinking we could do a song like-" Rachel tried.
"I'm gonna stop you right there midget," Everyone froze as Sue stalked into the room, "hello losers! Hello Tina Loser, or do you perfer Loser Cohen-Chang?"
"I'll stick with Tina Loser." Tina sighed.
"Is it because your last name sounds too Asian?" Mike asked sounding offended.
"Give it a rest Other Asian." Sue growled, "His raging nationalism is out of control. Well I'm just here to remind you that you all suck and as punishment," She pointed at Kurt, "I am revoking the nickname of Porclain and you will now be known as Tickle-me-dough-face."
"Dang." Kurt glared at the floor.
"Go on with your depressing lives." She was about to leave but stopped and tuned to look at Kurt, "Tickle-me, make sure to tell Frodo that I said they suck too and I am going to crush you ALL to loserdom!"
"Frodo." Santanna giggled.
"That was so random." Rachel muttered.
It was obvious that Finn wasn't getting anywhere on Operation: Redneck!Kurt.
"OH MAN JOEY LAGANO SUCKS!" Finn suddenly shouted, interrupting Rachel's list of song choices.
"You did NOT just dis my man!" Lauren snapped. Oh gosh, this was not the person he meant to offend.
"I-I didn't mean it! I was kidding!" Finn insisted as Lauren began to approach him. No one was about to come to his rescue, they were too amused.
"You suck Hudson!" Lauren insisted.
"I know, I-I'm soooo sorry. I swear!" Finn got out of his chair and backed away as Lauren advanced, "Kurt use your ninja swords or something!"
"I'm sorry," Kurt said sarcastically, "You dissed her man."
"KURT!"
xXx
Finn knocked on the door to the dorm and a tired looking Blaine opened it up, "Finn?" He slurred, "What are you going here?"
"Ooh," Finn said nonchalantly, "Nothing. Just wanted to give you a birthday present." He smiled evily then pulled a hand out from behind his back and screamed, "CELERY!" As he held a bundle of the crisp, green vegetable up.
"OH GOD FINN, GET THAT AWAY FROM ME!" Blaine screamed as he slammed the door shut.
Finn chuckled and reminded himself to keep celery around in case he sensed sexual tension between Blaine and his brother. Oh, yeah, he had something on Mr. ChipperAwesomeI'mEveryone'sFriend!HarryPotter! and he would use it whenever he got the chance.
xXx
A/N: Oh dear Finn, stop irritating women! This is for all you rednecks and Nascar lovers and anyone else who now officially has a pet racoon (ours is soooo cute!), REVIEW OR CARL EDWARDS WILL WIN THE NEXT TEN RACES! Okay I'll admit, Carl is my Nascar man, but he is a little mean. REVIEW!