In My Work
Roger once said to me that I hide in my work. He claimed the reason was I didn't want to face my failure and loneliness; because I live a lie; I act numb and detach myself. The real reason I hide is because…
Because I'm scared. Scared of the fact that I'll be the only one left. When we found out that Collins had AIDS I tried to keep everybody at arms length, heh maybe that's the reason Maureen always cheated on me. After April died and Roger went into withdrawal I found myself behind the camera more often.
I thought I was starting to relax more after meeting Angel, Joanne and Mimi. But, well, we all know what happened to Angel. I think after that point we all felt lost, she was the glue that kept us together and with out her we all grew bitter towards each other.
We thought things were already bad and couldn't get worse…until Mimi died. It was shortly after the ambulance came for her that night. With that sending Roger into a downward spiral, Maureen and Joanne both leaving New York to go their separate ways, and Collins still grieving for Angel I enclosed myself more in my own world.
Only three of us are left, Collins is getting sicker each day and probably won't hold on much longer. He'll finally be with his Angel. As for Roger that's still in the fog, he walks around the loft everyday and nothing else, he hasn't even picked up his guitar since that night. He doesn't eat, drink, sleep or look anybody in the face just stares into space. The way he's been treating himself I fear for his life.
One day I will be alone. I know that, I tell myself that everyday. But I do know that I will have to keep moving forward one day. I can't live in the past or feature. Just in the present, in the words of Mimi "No day but today".
But that can only happen if I leave my own small world. My own small world in my work.
Ayase: I nice look into Mark's soul. He's my favorite character and can be angst-out so well. We all know he's afraid to be alone and he does hind in his work. But one day he will open up and live life away from the camera.