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Am I better off dead? Am I better off a quitter? Two questions that tried to hide the most obvious one: Am I better off now than I ever was with her?

The truth is I had no idea what the answer really was. My heart tells me I'm not, that I still need her in my life, that I will never be able to live without her. But my best friends, Jasper and Emmett, had other ideas.

"Get your butt up off that couch mister!" yelled Emmett, barging into my house and ripping off my blanket.

"We're going out. You have five minutes to change." Jasper was right behind him, a sly smile on his face.

I tried my best to hide my pain of the woman who broke my heart. Jasper and Emmet knew all about it, but for my sake, they didn't bring it up often. However, they usually came to my house on Friday nights to take me out. Other days, I would be so moody on them, and I knew they didn't like seeing me unhappy. So I put on my best smile and agreed to go with them to the local bar. The whole way there, I was dying just not to drag my feet.

"Alright," said Jasper as we sat at the bar. "I'm buying the drinks, so don't be shy boys."

"You don't have to tell me twice," said Emmett, and I forced out a laugh.

I don't call Emmett and Jasper my best friends for no reason. They know me better than anyone else I know. That included my mom, and even myself sometimes. Jasper was always good at reading my emotions and so he caught onto my fake laughter and shared a look with Emmett. I rolled my eyes.

"I'll be fine guys." I said. "I'll have a beer for starters."

"You know Edward," began Emmett, "A few drinks will help you to forget her."

I nodded, just as our beers came into view.

I didn't take Emmett's advice lightly. After a couple of beers, we started hitting the hard stuff. Now I'm talking about shots of vodka, Hennessey and even some scotch. I didn't notice when the others stopped drinking, all I knew was that I couldn't stop. Immersed in the feeling of numbness, I really thought I was beginning to forget about her.

"See Ed," Emmett said. "You're not even thinking about Bella."

The huge grin on my face and my high evaporated as he said her name. Bella. Bella. Why'd he have to say it? Now all of my thoughts were consumed of her once again. I pushed my drink away and groaned, hitting my head on the table. I realized that not even being drunk allowed me to forget about Bella.

"Dude, why don't you just call her or something?"

"Jazzz," I slurred. I shook my head, trying to shake away the thought. "Let's just go walk around."

It was already late and I was stumbling around the park near my apartment. There was a small bridge that lead to the other side of the park. That's where she lived. I started walking in that direction, stumbling amd unbalanced. Jasper and Emmett noticed where I was headed.

"You're crazy." Jasper shook his head as we made our way across the park.

I don't know what he's talking about; it was perfect sense to me. So my friends were there trying to calm me down throughout the whole walk. The closer I got to the bridge, the more nervous I got and so I started to yell her name. Maybe it wouldn't be as bad if she met me half way, if she even would.

"Shh," Jasper put his arm around me as I lost my balance and I slumped by a tree.

"You'll get arrested for being publically intoxicated." Emmett held his hand out to help me as well, but I slapped his hand away.

"Bella!" I shouted and I'm sure the whole town could hear me. "If I go there now," I mumbled, "I can change her mind. I'll turn it all around."

"Edward, just call her and we'll go from there." Emmett gave me a reasonable look, but I shook my head at him.

"Em's right. She's not going to want to see you drunk." Jasper sat next to me near the tree. "Just call her and tell her how you feel."

And even though I knew I was drunk, and she didn't like it when I was drunk, I decided to take his advice. I'll say the words and I hope she'll listen this time even though they're slurred. I took out my cell phone and I dialed her number and waited for an answer. Jasper and Emmett watched me warily.

"Hello?" a small voice said. It was full with sleep and I'm sure she didn't check her caller id if she picked up.

So I confessed to her, "I'm still in love…"

I waited and waited. I knew she couldn't mistake my voice, just like I couldn't mistake her, so it wasn't like she didn't know it was me. I squinted my eyes, holding ym phone tighter and running a hand through my hair. I confessed, told her what I feel and what did I get back?

All I heard was nothing. She said nothing. I wanted words but all I heard was nothing. I got nothing.

I closed my phone and looked up at my friends. "I need to see her. She didn't even answer me."

I got up and I stumbled there. I held on to all the railings and fences so I would tumble over into the dirty river. Jasper and Emmett pushed me along. I knew that she would come to her senses if we were face to face. If she sees how much I'm hurting, she'll take me back for sure.

We were passing the bridge when I fell behind. Jasper and Emmett continued on at a slow pace, unbeknownst to them that I stayed behind to look down at the water. Sometimes love's intoxicating. My hands were shaking from my high and I couldn't see straight. But I lifted myself onto the edge of the little bridge. I put my arms up and shouted one last 'Bella'. I heard Jasper and Emmett yelling for me and running to where I was. But it was too late.

I threw myself off the edge and plunged into the water before they could reach me. After being under for a while, drowning my thoughts of Bella, I tried to swim up and get air. But I didn't know which way was up, or which direction I was swimming. I was losing air fast, and blackness began to overcome my eyes. I gave into the blackness and thought to myself am I better off dead?

When I woke up, I heard a loud beeping sound by my head. I felt stiff and fragile. I slowly opened my eyes and a bright light over took the blackness I was used to. I looked down at myself and I was in a hospital bed. I quickly sat up alarmed, which was not a good idea. My head spun and I looked for a garbage can. Thankfully, there was one right on the floor by my bed, and I vomited into it. My throat burned as I put the pail down and saw a large glass of water on the table next to my bed. I drank it until it was nearly finished, and when I put it down I heard a voice.

"Mr. Cullen?" I turned and saw a nurse standing at the doorway, she entered slowly and came to stand by the machine that was making the annoying beeps.

"What am I doing here? What happened?"

"You jumped into the park's river and drowned, Mr. Cullen." She tore her eyes away from the machine and looked at me. "You had an immense amount of water in your lungs, but we pumped it all out."

"So I can leave?" I started to unhook myself from all the tubes attached to me.

"Not yet," said the nurse and she gently touched my arm to stop my movements. "The doctor had a chance to talk to your friends. Mr. Whitlock and Mr. McCarthy explained you increasing depression and so the doctor referred you to see the psychologist here at the hospital."

"That doesn't mean I have to stay here." I tried to ignore the fact that I was now 'depressed' and was 'crazy'. I can go home and come to my schedules sessions as assigned."

"I'm afraid it's not that easy," said a new voice. I looked around the nurse to see a tall man in a white lab coat. He walked in and nodded at the nurse. She left quietly and the man pulled up a chair to sit while introducing himself. "I'm Dr. Snow."

I nodded at him, still not happy that I was being made to stay in a stuffy hotel room. "Why do I have to stay here, doctor?"

"I spoke to the psychologist here at the hospital and she is the one that requires you to stay in the hospital while your sessions are taking place. She explained that with the rising anxiety and depression your friends explained, and your recent attempt at suicide, she does not want to risk you having another accident."

"But this is all a misunderstanding." I shook my head. I didn't want this.

"Edward, your parents, family and friends all agree that this is the best thing for you right now." He stood up and wrote a few notes on my chart as I stared at him in shock.

I couldn't believe the closest people in my life could be such…such…traitors! How could they in me as a depressed, suicidal fool who needs to be quarantined in a hospital room for the rest of his life? I happen to be one of the sanest people alive and my whole life was turnd upside down when Bella broke up with me.

"You're first session starts in a few minutes. Dr. Ortega is almost here." Dr. Snow nodded at me and left the room.

Not two seconds later, a short, skinny woman walked into my room and shut the door quietly. I stared at her with anger, knowing what she was here for. She pulled up a chair next to my bed, just as Dr. Snow did and took a seat. She placed a notepad on her lap and crossed her ankles as she met my stare.

"Hi Edward," she said in a soothing voice. "I'm Dr. Ortega, but you can call me Nancy. Now here is the remote to your bed." She handed me a white rectangle. "Make yourself comfortable and we can begin."

She watched me steadily as I made the bed fold into a sitting position and adjusted my pillows. I looked at her expectantly when I was done and she smiles softly.

"Now Edward, I am here to help you. Everything you say in here will stay between us, and I hope you can open up to me and trust that I am a good listener and give good advice. Your friends and family have expressed a concern for you, especially after you got out of a relationship with Isabella-"

"Bella," I said coldly. "She is my ex-girlfriend and she broke up with me a couple weeks ago." I looked away from Nancy, gritting my teeth hard.

"Yes, I was notified. Now our sessions are not limited, so you have as long as you want to talk to me. If at any time you feel uncomfortable or want to stop, just let me know and I will leave." I nodded and she continued in the same breath. "Now I want you to explain everything of your situation. I am on your side, Edward, and I want to understand. Don't be embarrassed to tell me anything. I want to know everything."

"You want to know everything?" She nodded. "From the beginning? Like when I met Bella?"

"If that's what it takes, begin there if you'd like."

I took a deep breath. If I had to pour my heart out to a complete stranger about my love life, how I got it and how I lost it, I might as well go full-out. She wanted to know, well then I would give her an earful.

"Well, it all started senior year in high school. It was January 17th when I first saw her…"