Author's Note: I wrote this shortly after finishing my first play-through of Mass Effect. My Shepard was an Infiltrator class, had full Intimidate scores, and was overall as evil as a character can be in the game. Suuuper Renegade.

There are huge spoilers for the Virmire mission, and I would say don't read this if you haven't gotten to that point and plan on finishing the game.

PS. This fic is written in verse. Poorly.

Kaidan

Things are going badly.
The bodies pile up, still-smoking.
A Salarian falls next to him,
with a hole through his chest so big
that Kaidan could put his entire arm through it
and feel the fertile Virmirean vegetation underneath.

The wound is cauterized too,
it's not even messy.
That's the thing you learn about warfare these days,
something they never tell you in school
even if you're a biotic.
There's always so much less blood than you think there should be, so
the grass stays more green than red.

The smell, really, is the worst part.
All burning bodies smell the same
alien or human,
and he knows
(even if he won't say it)
that it's too much.
There are too many and
even he can't put them all back together again,
not at this rate.

Then he hears Her voice: they have the bomb,
she is coming.
He doesn't say anything
but hope returns to his limbs
and he knows that it will be okay.
Everything will be okay.
Nothing stands between Shepard and her goal.
And if that's him
well
he has nothing to worry about.

Even though they are still under heavy fire,
even though he can barely breathe
through the stench of scorched flesh
and melting synthetics,
even though they've taken far too many casualties,
his fear lifts.
For a moment, Kaidan Alenko knows that he is saved.

And then the shadow passes over him.
Another Geth ship
headed for the bomb site.

Just when things were looking up.
Kaidan thinks wryly,
because every doctor
and every soldier
has to have a bit of gallows humor.
And he's both of those-
kind of.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Williams?"
Shepard's tone is so cold
that it could splinter the whole of the Citadel
into tiny glittering shards.

Ashley, however, isn't phased by the Shepard's rough tone
for once.
"Rigging this bomb to make sure it goes off
no matter what!"

Kaidan ducks behind the crate he's been using for cover
hiding,
because he can't fight
and pay attention at the same time.

Shepard has a choice.
And, as selfish as it is, he
hopes
hopes
hopes
that it is him.

His words say "Choose Ashley"
but in his heart, he's screaming
save me, please, save me.

There is a long pause,
which is abnormal for Shepard.
Her cuts are always so clean, ruthless, efficient.

It's agonizing to wait.

We could be in love, but you'll never know
if you leave me here to die!
He wants to say.

Things could be different,
you could have someone,
you need someone, Shepard.
Even if you think you don't.

He wonders if he is a coward, for thinking these things
but it only counts if you say them.
Right?

She lets out a breath on the other end of the
comm-link.
"I'm going to Ashley."

As simple as that, his fate is sealed.
The battle falls away
it doesn't matter any more.

I thought I'd changed her,
he despairs.
At least a little.
This is what it's like to be a walking dead man.
In his case, a cowering dead man.

"You made the right choice," he tells her
because that's what you're supposed to do
when you're being sacrificed for the mission.

Shepard pauses, and, he swears he hears her throat work down
a hard swallow.
"I'm sorry," she says, so quietly that
it might as well be static over the feed.

Even though it breaks his heart
Kaiden smiles.
He's pretty sure that his Commander
his Spectre
has never,
ever,
apologized for anything in her life.

I should get a medal for that,
he thinks humorlessly-
and then realizes that he probably will
for the battle on Virmire, anyway.

Cold comfort.

Whatever he says next, he doesn't even register the words
even though they are the last he'll ever say to her
probably to anyone.
Something about it being an honor to serve with her.

It's over far too fast,
and then she's gone.

In the distance
he hears gunfire, the keening scream of strained metal.
Of course Shepard went back.
Ashley might be okay at setting explosives-
but Shepard is better.

He's seen her dismantle Geth with barely a wave of her arm.
Machines open themselves to her
responding to every brush of her fingertips,
and he doesn't know if she's ever touched a person that way.
Or if she ever will, because
The Mission Comes First.

And for people like Commander Shepard, the mission is never over.

He watches at the Normandy jets away,
and he feels his soul shrivel inside of him.
That's it, then.
The sleek body of the ship
that's been his home for some time
pierces the clouds, leaves the atmosphere,
leaves him.

Now he counts time only in the Geth that fall crumpled,
and clanking,
to the ground.
A dozen or so more, and then the nuke detonates.
He sees it before he hears it, even before he feels it.
A flash like a sun turning on
less than a mile away,
so bright that it burns out all other thoughts.
His retinas sizzle and fry, but he doesn't feel them, still sees white
after he goes blind.

It takes a little effort, but the Sentinel makes sure
that his last thought
is of Her.

Maybe I did change her.
At least a little.

And he knows,
as the blast strips skin from muscle and muscle from bone
that she will win.
One person, one woman, will save all of them. The whole galaxy.
Even if she couldn't save him.

Lieutenant Alenko supposes that's an acceptable loss.

All the molecules of his body are torn apart,
and then he thinks nothing,
because he is nothing
but dust, ashes, nuclear windstorm.