**NOTE** I don't own anything here, character-wise. Names were taken from the Card game.
**VERY IMPORTANT NOTE** This is based on the original books, as well as Unfinished Tales, with little or no relevance to the movies, which just made me angry. If that bothers you, or you've never READ them, you should probably go read something else.
Diary of a Ringwraith
***
June 3, 3018
Weather deceptively nasty. Mordor sucks. Ash from LIVE FREAKING VOLCANO down the block irritates my allergies, evil laugh sounds like wheezing warg. No time to take pills, as Boss summons the Nine, no exceptions.
Instructions from Boss are straight and to the point, as always: Find Baggins, Find Ring, Bring both home. Don't know why Boss trusts an Icky Midget for accurate information, but I don't ask questions. Baggins can be found in a place called Shire, West of Mountains.
Lot of help, that last bit, as the Mountains in question only sit in the middle of the map. Also not allowed to take the flying monsters, as they're not done hatching yet. Also ordered to keep armor hidden if possible. The ride will be long, as we're still on the other side of the stupid river. Horses and cloaks it is.
Still, it beats staying here.
Mood: Not Happy.
***
July 15, 3018
Half-way through Rohan. Road trip going well so far. Roads clear whenever we pass. Secrecy shot to hell after first night outside Mordor. Considering possibility of being TOO creepy.
(Note to self: Smack Uvatha for humming theme from "Rawhide" as we ride.)
Orcs happy they got to play, as they took on Gondor Border Patrol to hide the fact that WE were crossing. Apparently they think GBP was scared of them. Orcs aren't too bright. But they get the job done, and they're cheap to feed. Now if we could just train them to use the litterbox...
Ran across Weasley Human in AM yesterday. Works for Sneaky Wizard south of Mountains, who spends most of his time picking on trees and Horse-masters. Angmar and Kahzum ask nicely for information (they only used the little swords), and WH starts to spill. Directions, plots, a menu plan, you name it.
Four of our number are sent to ride ahead to start scouting for Shire, and divert attention of Elves so we can get by. Angmar informs WH he's just switched employers, and we leave to check out Sneaky Wizard.
Mood: Bored
***
July 17, 3018
Arrive at Sneaky Wizard's Castle. Like what he's done with the place: Gothic, but still rather quaint. Clearly planning something, as Orcs in the area try to act casual as we approach. Their ability to hide ladders and catapults will improve with practice.
Sneaky Wizard isn't much help, to nobody's surprise. Get the impression he wants the Ring, too. Mention suspicions to Angmar, but get shushed. Haven't been shushed in 1500 years.
Mood: Not Happy
***
September 22, 3018
Land of mouthy midgets located, slightly west of location given by Boss. Icky Midget clearly hasn't been to the old neighborhood in a while. Angmar pleased to be back near old stomping grounds, but equally useless in navigating area. Amazing how landmarks change in 1000 years (sarcasm abilities still effective, though.)
Security not what it could be here. 9 armed horsemen riding down the road, not one single soldier seen. Starting to think midgets are dumber than orcs.
Mood: Smug.
***
September 26, 3018
Asking every midget in sight about "Baggins" probably not a good idea. Even dimwits like these will probably put 2 and 2 together. Of course, questioning complicated by lack of first name. Some say Baggins is still in "Hobbit-town", other say he left years ago after a birthday party. Offers of gold not as effective as on humans. More interested in ale and "pipe-weed". Suspect whole region of involvement in drug trade. After exposure to second-hand smoke from three different residents, I have the giggles and the munchies.
Mood: Hungry.
***
September 28, 3018
Now have huge headache from all the pipe-weed. Dwar swears he smelled something like the Ring on one of his scout runs. Has been warned about doing the sniffing thing around here, as pipe-weed may have hallucinogenic properties. As a result, Dwar is currently propped against a tree, muttering "Precious" and snickering every five minutes. Ren makes a trip out from camp, and claims he found them, but a bunch of elves scared him off. Great, mighty servants of the Dark Lord, scared of a bunch of flitting window-dressers. Hope the Orcs never hear about this.
Locate Baggins' new house in late evening. Chubby Midget seen running like he's late for Mother's home-cooking, but no one feels like chasing him. Pretty sure Ring is not here, but we check for clues as to direction. Horns start blowing from somewhere, and as we're pretty sure it's not the local community band rehearsal, we leave. Keep bumping head on the roof, anyway.
Mood: Annoyed.
***
September 29, 3018
Decide Baggins is headed for Bree, and dumb enough to go through Forest to do it. Presence of Psychotic Trees and Dirty Hippy noted. (Angmar also mentions haunted Barrows. May come back for a vacation.) Five of us head to Bree, and the other four go to watch the road in case they make a break for it.
Arrive outside Bree in early PM. Find nastiest man in town, and enlist him to keep watch for us. Not sure he's not descended from Troll stock, but he takes money anyway.
(Note: effects of Pipe-weed are finally wearing off. Can now stop eating everything in sight.)
Mood: Stuffed.
***
September 30, 3018
Busy night. Troll-boy reports that party of Midgets arrives in PM, armed and dressed like Dirty Hippy. Get rooms at local inn, and proceed to put on a song-and-dance number. We've found our boy.
Catch stray Midget outside talking to trees. Ren burps (damn pipe-weed munchies), and breath knocks Midget out like a…well, he hits the ground pretty hard. Berate Ren as Inn Flunkies find Midget, and bring him inside. They'll know we're here in minutes. Decide Ren's a moron.
Forced to speed up plans, and raid inn. Doing a great job sneaking and stabbing, before we realize we're murdering pillows. Can't believe we fell for such a stupid trick. Glad that boot armor doesn't have shoelaces. Decide to head out, and set up a surprise attack. Hill the locals call Weathertop is prime spot.
Mood: Not Happy.
***
October 3, 3018
So much for Prime Spot. Run across Wizard, and fight ensues. Turns out Wizard is a Pyromaniac in disguise, as he throws fireballs everywhere, yelling "Fire! Fire! " and giving a nasal laugh. Then he calls us "dill-holes" and "fart-knockers," and throws more fireballs. We retreat, and get spare cloaks from our packs to replace the ones Pyro torched. We'll try again when the Flamer's gone.
Mood: Not Happy, and Medium Rare.
***
October 6, 3018
Caught up to Midgets at last…and he's got friends. Great. Decide to kill them all and take Ring. Four midgets and a Ranger. One for each of us.
One of the midgets suddenly becomes easier to see. We all move forward, but Angmar decides he wants to go one-one-one. Think about mocking him for taking on the big bad Midget, but decide to watch. Angmar side-steps a weak swipe, and stabs him in the shoulder with his Mordor Special.
We're all set to grab him, when Ranger runs up, waving fire at us. Not really in the mood for another barbecue, so we split, knowing it's just a matter of time.
Mood: Accomplished.
***
October 14, 3018
Chasing injured Midgets shouldn't be this hard. They've gone off into the forest somewhere, so we get to wait.
Get report from Hoarmurath: Elf-Lord chased them away from bridge. Apparently, not all the window-dressers are namby-pambies.
Mood: Patient.
***
October 21, 3018
Catch up to Midget with Ring at last. Dimwit doesn't have enough sense to quit while he's ahead, as he races off on Elvish horse. Angmar uses Force to push horse over, which lets rest of this group catch up. Midget gets up and takes off again, so we give chase.
(Note: Smack Uvatha for humming "Bonanza" theme as we ride.)
Midget makes it past others (roadblock idea is lame) and crosses river. Angmar gives him the Creepy Voice treatment, and Midget mouths off. Angmar Forces him into shutting up, and we all start to cross river for the pick-up. Notice river sounds change, but Angmar too intent on Midget to notice. Look to left, and see GIANT WALL OF WATER about to fall on us. As it hits, I can feel my armor rusting already. Horses have a one-way ticket to a glue factory. Gonna be a LONG trip back to Mordor. Boss is going to be pissed.
Still, the "white horses out of foam" thing was a nice touch.
Mood: Not Happy, and Very Soggy.
End of Chapter 1