The Path Not Taken

Rated: T

Author's Note: This story was originally submitted for A Canon Christmas iFic contest. It's my first fanfic and the first thing I've ever written for posting/sharing with others. It is meant to be a completely canon one-shot, taking place during the month of December during New Moon. I've often wondered what Bella was doing during the "catatonic times." After reading Ithaca is Gorges (by the fabulous giselle-lx), I was compelled to explore Bella's actions. Special thanks to Erin, Melanie, Mae, twanza, and LightStarDusting. Without their help and support, this would never have been written and posted.

Routine. I had come to appreciate the value of routine more than ever these last few months. Things were easier if I stayed on the path I'd established for myself. Wake. Eat. School. Homework. Cook. Sleep. Well, sleep wasn't really much of a friend to me, but with the exception of the nightmare, it was an escape. I had tried not sleeping, when the nightmare became unbearable, but that was worse. The hours moved too slowly, and it was harder to stay on the path. My mind would wander, and that was definitely not a good thing. So I struggled to stay awake through the day, and struggled to stay asleep through the night.

One thing that my routine had done was to help my schoolwork. With all my free time, my grades were improving, and I always completed my assignments ahead of schedule. Even with my slow, hulking, antiquated computer, I did more research and verification than any of my classmates; one of the benefits of having plenty of free time. That, too, became part of the routine.

I checked my email. It amazed me how much spam one person without a credit card or internet purchase history received. It was the usual nonsense. Except… what the…? There was an email from Google. The subject was "Google Alert – carlisle esme." Uh oh. One of the nights I made the mistake of not sleeping, I had been frantically searching, knowing that they would never be so foolish as to let themselves be found. I had set up a few alerts on Google, and every week I'd get a notification for each. They never amounted to anything. I debated hitting the delete button, just like I'd debated deleting the alert agents every time I got one of these emails. Somehow, it felt as if that would sever one of the few remaining threads holding those memories to me.

Opening the email this time felt different. I was queasy with the thought of what might be there. I decided that it would be best to just open it. No matter what, this time I was going to delete those alert agents. It would be nothing, I was sure of it. But then… it wasn't. It was a link to an article from the Ithaca Journal, a newspaper from upstate New York. The article was a fluff piece about a family-owned hardware store that was thriving in spite of two new "big box" hardware stores in town. The author attributed the business' success to the owner's commitment to securing specialty pieces for his customers. He mentioned a young couple restoring an old house just outside of the city who were meticulous about finding appropriate period pieces and hardware for their renovation project. He was quoted as saying "Customers like Esme and Carlisle are willing to wait to get the right thing. It's not always about convenience."

I looked up Ithaca on and saw that it was a relatively cloudy and cold place located at the tip of a lake. Lots of state parks were located in and around the Tompkins County area, where Ithaca was the county seat. There was a hospital there. Several colleges and Cornell University were located there as well. It had to be them. I started to formulate a plan.

Charlie had been bugging me to think about my future. What if I told him I wanted to visit schools? There were plenty in the area. I could fly there and see for myself. I had to find them. I had to know… what? What would I say? He didn't want me anymore. He'd made that perfectly clear. But Alice? Carlisle? Even Esme? What about Jasper? We never had the chance to talk after my birthday. And Emmett was the big brother I'd never had. How could they just disappear like that?

Research was something I'd gotten very good at. I would find a way to get to Ithaca. It would have been nice to have a credit card right now, but at least I'd have an idea of flights when I got to the travel agency. Ironic, really, that I'd be using my college money to pretend to visit a college. Good thing Charlie had burned all his vacation time taking care of me after… There's no way he could take time off again so soon, Chief or not.

I made lasagna, one of Charlie's favorites, and we chatted a little during dinner. He noticed the change. I'd fallen out of my routine a bit. As much as he seemed to be oblivious sometimes, he was a cop and he noticed everything.

"What's new, Bells?"

"I've been thinking about next year. College, you know?"

He looked relieved. He still hadn't moved on since Renee left. Did he actually believe I'd managed to do it in just three months? "That's great, honey."

"Yeah. I want to go visit a couple so I can decide where to apply."

"We can head up to Seattle and Portland whenever you want. There's plenty—"

"Dad, I was thinking about the East Coast."

"What?"

"I need to make a break, Dad." A clean break… I heard Edward's velvet voice echo in my memory. "Everything here reminds me of him. Of what I lost."

I hated taking advantage of Charlie's rabid fear of emotional conflict. I knew he'd stay far away from any argument that took him down this particular emotional path. The look on his face said that he was already surrendering. "I won't be able to take any time until after New Year's, Bella."

"I'm 18, Dad. I can go by myself. And winter break is coming fast. The schools coordinate stuff like this all the time." I tried to look earnest. I knew I wasn't doing it very well, but it had been so long since I'd looked anything but borderline catatonic that I think it worked.

I claimed extra homework after dinner and went back to my room. I had printed out a couple of different flight options and even found some that I could afford. If I could stay on campus I wouldn't need hotel money. Maybe I'd head to the Guidance office tomorrow to get some more information on that.

For the first time in almost three months, I didn't wake up screaming and sobbing. I'd still had my dream – the nightmare that I'd had every night. Searching the woods, becoming unhinged only when I realized that I was horribly alone. Only this time, I never got to the point where I realized there was nothing to search for. Instead, I could sense them in the woods. Hear Alice's laugh. See a glimpse of his tousled bronze hair.

I woke before the alarm. The routine was really in tatters now. I got to school early and visited the Guidance Office. Ms. Cope saw me in the halls, and commented that I looked different today. Did I? Had I really changed? Perhaps… we'd soon see. The Guidance Office wasn't open yet, but I signed my name on the "Appointment Request" form and listed my study hall and lunch period. Before the end of the day, I'd have an answer on whether I could really make this look like a series of campus visits. Because I knew what it would be, but if I could get the schools in the area to give me a place to sleep and eat, I'd have more time to search.

The call from the Guidance Office came before study hall. I'd bet Ms. Cope had something to do with that. Soon I had contact information for five schools in the region, and information on how to schedule campus visits. Pre-freshman tours, they called it. Who cares, as long as it gave me a home base?

I drove to the library to get some maps to put with my college brochures from the Guidance Office. Charlie was sure to see this as a college-hunting trip. It was important that he not know I was really hunting Cullens. My mind was wandering all over the place as I drove home; I was on autopilot. It's a good thing nobody was on the road. When I pulled into my spot in the driveway, I barely noticed the car parked across the street from the house. I was halfway up the walk when my head whipped back to the street. I knew that car!

As my body turned, my mouth opened to form words, but there were none. A low moan came out instead, and faster than should have been possible – than would have been possible for a mere human like me – a tiny, perky blur came streaking across the street and practically knocked me over.

"Alice!"

"Bella! You look like death!" And then she giggled. "Well, worse than that, since death can be very becoming. But you know what I mean."

"Alice, what are you… how did you… why…" And then I just hugged her to me. Was this a dream? Was I so far out of my routine that I was hallucinating? No. This smelled like Alice. She was hard and cold like Alice. And quite fashionable.

"Why don't we go inside to have this discussion? I'm not sure we can cover it all in the driveway, Bella."

Alice explained that once I'd made the decision to look for them, she saw that I would find them. Nice to know I can do some things right. Once she saw that, she told Carlisle it was irresponsible of them to let me travel alone cross-country and use up all my savings to do it. She'd flown out on the first available flight this morning. Jasper wanted to come too, but he had classes and he was still a little embarrassed about what had happened at my birthday party. She said she'd told him he was being ridiculous and that she knew I'd never held him responsible, but he was just being Jasper. She told me all about Esme and Carlisle, and how they were indeed restoring a really old farmhouse back to its original design. She told me that Emmett and Rosalie were overseas again, but coming back for the holidays.

"Um, Alice. What about…?"

"Edward?" She sighed. "Yes, Edward… Are you sure you want to hear about him?"

"No. But tell me anyway."

"I told him you wouldn't take to his plan very well."

"That's the understatement of the century. And he can verify that, since he's been around that long. He's not here, is he?"

"No. But he knows I'm here. And I'm most decidedly not his favorite sister right now, which is fine with me, since he's not my favorite brother either. He actually had a bit of a temper tantrum when I told him I was coming. I handed the phone to Carlisle, I was so annoyed."

"The phone?"

"He's not with us, Bella."

"Where is he?"

"I could give you a full itinerary, but he's not going to anyplace. He's just going away from everyone he knows. Everyone who can look in his eyes and know he's not… himself."

Silent tears slid down my cheeks. The hole in my chest that I felt couldn't get any larger actually did. The raw edges burned with the feeling. "Why, Alice? If he didn't want me any more – didn't love me any more – then why?"

"That isn't my secret to tell, Bella. But you know the real answer to that question. You know him better than any of us. That's the sickest part of this whole thing. Both of you know each other better than you know yourselves and claim to put each other's needs before your own. For smart people, both of you can be complete morons sometimes." She actually threw her hands in the air. "Want to come with me?"

"Where are you going?"

"To my house, of course. I have to open up. It's been months – it will be musty and dusty. I need to change my clothes. I also need to hunt. I wasn't planning on taking this trip, and I'd feel better hanging around with you if I wasn't so thirsty."

"We have to come back to feed Charlie, though. He's going to be so happy to see you!"

"Are you sure about that? We didn't exactly treat you well when we took off."

"I'm sure if Edward or Carlisle were to appear I'd have to hide his ammunition. But you know he has a soft spot for you."

She giggled. It sounded like wind chimes. I missed that sound so much. "True enough. Let's run over to the house really quickly and I'll have you back in time for dinner. I can wait until then to hunt."

The drive to the house was already fairly overgrown, and the vegetation was reclaiming the land around the house. The garage still had some of their cars in it. I guess Rosalie and Emmett wouldn't need theirs while they were traveling. Alice ran inside and before I could even see where she had gone, she was back, and the glass wall of the house was becoming visible and the lights were on. "I'll take care of folding up the sheets and things tonight while you're asleep. I also need to do some laundry so the bed linens will be fresh."

"I could have given you some sheets…"

"You have enough for all of our beds?"

"All of you?"

"Well, of course, silly. We're coming home for Christmas!"

Everything after that was a blur, partially because Alice was moving so fast I could barely see her, and partially because I was still processing the last thing she had said. We're coming home for Christmas. Home. Back to Forks. My family was coming home.

Not all of my family.

Alice had me home in time for dinner. I decided to tell Charlie there had been a slight change in plans, but I didn't want him to realize that I'd lied to him. I told him I'd rather go when he could come too, and that I was rethinking some of the East Coast schools since I'd seen the cost. I showed him the brochures from the Guidance Office, and he seemed to believe me. I didn't rule them out, but I told him I wanted to investigate scholarship opportunities first.

I waited until after dinner to tell him that we were going to have a visitor that night. He was shocked. I hadn't interacted with anyone since… well, in a long time. "Who's coming over, Bells?"

Masterful timing is easy when you're psychic. Just then, the doorbell rang. I jumped up to answer it without answering his question. The balloon bubble with the words "Who's coming…" was still over his head, in fact, when I opened the door and Hurricane Alice came sweeping into the room. She positively bounced over to him, shrieking his name. "Charlie! How are you??? I've missed you so much!"

His face broke into a huge grin and he swept her into his arms. "Alice! What are you doing here?" As he put her down, though, his face hardened and he looked past her to the door. "Are you alone?"

"Yes, Charlie. I'm alone. Esme and Carlisle will be here tomorrow with Jasper, and Emmett and Rosalie should be back from their semester abroad next week."

His voice was strained and his lips were hard. "What about your other brother?" I had never seen him look so furious.

"I'm not sure, Charlie. Edward went away for the semester and… well, I'm not sure what his plans are." Charlie didn't know it, but for Alice, that was really saying something. Charlie looked at me and saw a smile on my face. Maybe he thought seeing Alice would bring back Catatonic Bella. Satisfied that hadn't happened, he went back to smiling at Alice and asked her where she was going to stay the night. When she told him she was getting the house ready, he told her he didn't like the idea of her staying there alone. She told him she thought that was sweet, but that she would be fine. He shocked me when he looked at me and suggested that I stay with her.

"It's Friday night. You girls will probably want to stay up all night talking. I'd prefer that you be together here, but you'll probably just keep me up!" He was really trying. Honestly, I think he was just thrilled to have me acting somewhat normal again. Far be it from me to pass up a chance to spend the night catching up with Alice; I agreed and ran upstairs to pack a bag. Alice and Charlie were chatting about Los Angeles, since she had to go along with the story about Carlisle getting an offer there, and Hollywood stars and smog. I rescued her as quickly as I could and gave Charlie a kiss on the cheek to say good night. "Have fun, Bella. I'll see you tomorrow."

"G'night, Charlie!" Alice gave him a quick kiss too, and we were on our way.

When we got to the house, it looked lived in except for the overgrowth. All the rooms were lit up, all the covers removed from the furniture. Music was playing softly somewhere in the house. "I washed all the sheets, so all we have to do is make the beds. And Esme asked me to pull the boxes from storage."

"Boxes?"

"Do you have any idea how many Christmas decorations we have accumulated in our lifetimes? We could probably decorate a whole neighborhood!" As I thought about it, I realized that between her shopping compulsion and Esme's decorating compulsion, she might be wrong. It could be a whole town.

She came up from the laundry room with the sheets, and we started with her room. I had been wondering about something since she'd made such a fuss about the sheets, and we actually had finished her bed and gone to Esme and Carlisle's room when I summoned the nerve to ask the question. "Alice, how come you all have beds when you don't… um… none of you, uh, sleep?"

She belly laughed – not the melodious tinkle I was used to, but a full blown "chimes in a wind storm" sound. "Bella, we may look like we're teenagers, but we've been together long enough that having a bed is… helpful. From a relationship perspective. You know?"

Well, now I felt like a complete idiot. Of course. I blushed furiously, and she just laughed at me again. We put fresh sheets on Rosalie's bed, and Emmett's. Hmm… separate rooms for them, but Jasper and Alice shared. That suited them. Alice made a face when I told her I'd help her with the boxes of decorations. I forget that her size and her strength are totally disproportional. And truthfully, I would have slowed her down. I left her at the bottom of the ladder to the attic and wandered down the hall. I found myself standing in the doorway to Edward's room. I could still smell him. I went to his CD collection. He hadn't taken it with him. Clearly he had no intention of moving with his family. He would never have left this behind. I curled up on his leather sofa. It was late, and I drifted off to sleep.

"Bella! Bella, wake up!" I had been running and calling him. I could see his shock of bronze hair in the trees, but he was so much faster… and then someone was calling my name. I opened my eyes. Alice was inches from my face and she looked panicked. "Bella, are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I must have fallen asleep. Sorry… what time is it?"

"It's after three in the morning. You were screaming. I sounded like someone was attacking you."

I let out a rueful chuckle. "No such luck. Just my recurring nightmare."

"Recurring?"

"Every night."

"What's it about?"

"I really don't want to do amateur dream analysis, Alice. It's pretty pathetic actually. I'm searching in the woods. It feels like the day… like after Edward left… and I'm looking for him. For all of you. Well, this time I was just looking for him. And I see glimpses, but he keeps getting away. Not very subtle."

She just hugged me. "Bella, I'm so sorry. We didn't know what to do. And he was so determined to make things right. He thought this was the only way. That you would get over him."

"I'll never get over him. I don't want to. He's a part of me."

"I know that. I think we all did. He didn't want to believe it. Well, now he has to. Why don't you go sleep in my room, sweetie? It's still too early for you to get up."

I was already curled up again, breathing in his smell from the sofa and the blanket. I muttered "I'm not leaving here…" as I drifted back to sleep. I thought I heard Alice talking as I dozed off, but she was long gone and she did like to talk to herself a lot.

When I finally stirred at about eight, I found Alice had been out to buy me some breakfast. She was bouncing up and down on the end of the sofa, waiting for me to join the world of the awake. While I ate my muffin and drank my juice, she outlined the day's plans. Carlisle and Esme were due to arrive in Seattle a little past 11am, and then the drive to Forks would take them a couple of hours (considering it would take me closer to five, I was impressed). So she was expecting them by two this afternoon, which meant that we had some time together. She wanted to go shopping for Christmas gifts. She also said Esme told her she could get the tree.

"Gifts for your family, right, Alice?"

"For you too. I can't wait to shop for you again!"

"Gifts didn't exactly end well the last time, you know?"

"We'll use nothing but gift bags. I promise, Bella." I stuck my tongue out at her. It was impossible to argue with her, so why try?

I should have known that "getting the tree" would not involve the normal process of buying a tree at a roadside stand like the rest of the world. She was going to find their tree and cut it down. I reluctantly followed for a while, but my complete lack of coordination and her desire to find the top of a spruce tree that met her definition of perfection quickly diverged. I told her I was going to go back to the house and wait with bated breath for her to come back with the fullest, most symmetrical, most perfect tree ever grown. She laughed and said she'd meet me there, and off she went.

Our quick trip to the grocery store hadn't been just for appearances. As I walked back to the house, I decided to have lunch. The non-eating people rarely thought of that, and I usually didn't either, but for some reason, I was famished. I felt like I had woken from a coma. I was craving so many things – food, conversation, music, books. All of the things that I had loved had been joyless for me for so long. I made a sandwich and stared out into the trees behind the house. This house had always been so peaceful to me. Now it made me feel alive – almost electrified. I felt a buzz flow through me, knowing that my family would be home soon. At least they had missed me.

Thanks to Alice, I hadn't had my shower; the little pixie had been so anxious to shop. I went back to Edward's room, feeling drawn there. I felt comforted somehow, being near his things. I wanted music – not Clair de Lune, though; that would have been a little more than I could take. Perhaps some Christmas music – that would help get me in the spirit. I chose an instrumental disc. He had the London Symphony performing classic hymns. As my all-time favorite, "O Holy Night," began to play, I went into his bathroom. The water felt wonderful and, using his shampoo and soap, I was enveloped in his scent. It was eerie how everything was exactly the same. As if they'd never left at all. Having toweled off, I quickly dressed, so I'd be done when Alice returned. I listened and there was no sound in the house except the music. I stood at the window looking out into the forest and remembered the first time I came here. I closed my eyes. I had thought it would get easier, but it was actually getting harder.

My life had changed so much in the past twenty-one hours. I left school at three o'clock, and here it was, just past noon the next day, and I was alive again. I had to appreciate the irony – it took a member of the undead to bring me back to life. "Very nice, Bella. Is that any way to think of your best friend?" And I laughed; I was talking to myself like Alice. I put my cheek against the cool glass. It felt good. It reminded me of leaning against Edward's cold, smooth chest. "I miss you…" I said.

"I miss you, too."

His soft velvet voice swept over me. Being in his room, immersed in the essence of him, was really playing tricks with my mind. I took a deep breath. I wasn't going to break this spell. "Edward… there can never be anyone but you. Come back to me. Please."

"I'm here, Bella." And suddenly the cold, hard surface in front of me was matched by a cold, hard surface behind me. This one was nothing like glass. I knew the planes of his chest, the feel of his arms, the gentle touch of his fingers on my cheek. "Please, Bella. Look at me."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"What if you aren't real?"

He moved his fingers. I felt lips there instead. He whispered in my ear. "Was that real?"

I slowly opened my eyes. I saw his graceful fingers on my arm. I looked up and saw his beautiful face reflected in the glass, his perfect form standing behind me, seeing my reflection in the glass. Tears began to flow steadily down my face, but I didn't turn to him. "Edward, you came home…"

"I came back to you. You are my home."

"But you left me. You don't love me anymore," I sobbed. The hole in my chest, the one that had become a permanent ache, began to burn. I wanted it to consume me.

His voice was strained, and he was angry. "How could you believe me? It destroyed me that you believed me. I thought if you accepted that lie so easily, maybe you would get over me."

"But you left --"

"To save you…"

Now it was my turn to be angry. "Your saving skills suck! You almost killed me! You think you know me better than me! What makes you so smart?"

"I'm hazardous to your health."

"You're an idiot."

"Yes, I'm an idiot."

Wait. "Did you just agree with me?"

"Yes."

"But I thought you were never wrong."

"I've been wrong more than I've been right since I met you. You're the only right thing about me any more."

"So what now?"

"Do you forgive me?"

"What does it matter? Charlie's going to shoot you. That's going to cause some problems. Like having to pretend you're dead."

"Do you think you can stop him?"

"What makes you think I want to?" He turned me to him and looked deep into my eyes. He moved his mouth close to mine and used that mind-numbing stare he had. He kissed me. "Okay. You get to live."

"Even you can't make that happen."

Ugh. He brought his moroseness back with him. "Stop. Just stop."

"What?"

"If you're back… for good… then you need to get over this 'I'm the big ugly monster sucking the joy from your life' thing you have going on. I love you. Not because you're a vampire, or in spite of the fact that you're a vampire. I just do. And since it's part of who you are, I love that too. So stop with the sulking."

"Well, if we're setting conditions, then you can't do the "I'm the undeserving plain girl who can never be the center of attention or worthy of Edward's love" thing any longer. It's Christmas, and I have a lot of making up to do. I expect to shower you with love and attention and the occasional gift, and I don't need you to go all reticent on me. Okay?"

"No, Edward -- "

"Bella?" Who was that?

"Bells? Honey, wake up!" I felt someone shaking my arm. My cheek was cold. It was laying on my desk. Damn. My ice water had spilled. I grabbed a t-shirt from the floor to mop it up.

"Ch-- Dad, I…"

"You were dreaming about him again, weren't you?" Charlie shook his head as he left the room.

Was I? My chest didn't ache like it usually did. There were no tears on my face. There was a vague memory of something, but… No. I'm sure it was nothing. I had to get better. Routine. That would help.

Back to my emails. Nothing from Renee, and the rest was just junk. The Google alerts probably caused this newest dream. I deleted everything and canceled the Google alert service. It was time to stick to the routine. Maybe that could be my Christmas gift to Charlie. He was the only reason I had for living anymore anyway. Maybe I could give him some peace of mind.

Strange… I found myself thinking about college.