How do you write about memory loss when you've never experienced it, or even know someone who experienced it? How do you write from the PoV of a character you don't particularly care about or looked into? It wasn't easy writing this, but I hope I pulled it off decently.
This was written for the PoT Crack Exchange in Winter 2009.
It was a Monday when he found the boy collapsed on his doorstep. Although by that time he had not been sure if this person was a boy or a girl – long hair, rather feminine features and a body so light and slender it might as well have been a female. He noticed it when he carried the boy inside.
Mondays were always the days that gave Tezuka a headache.
-
When the boy wakes up he knows nothing.
Not his name, where he's from, any family members – nothing. The moment Tezuka picks up his phone to call the hospital a soft, but still determined voice stops him.
"I don't want to go to the hospital." The boy says.
Tezuka knows it is highly unreasonable, amnesia is a dangerous condition; but something in the boy's eyes makes him forget all about that logic.
He calls Fuji instead.
-
Fuji always knows what to do, even if he goes about it in terribly roundabout ways sometimes, but he has always been able to give Tezuka advise when he was the one needing it for a change.
But the ever-present smile dies on his friend's lips when he sees the boy's empty, empty eyes staring back into his own.
They end up bringing him to the hospital anyway.
-
Retrograde dissociative amnesia, the doctors say. There are no injuries to the boy's head, nor anywhere else, yet he seems unable to recall any information they are able to present him with thanks to the ID they found in his pocket.
They try to contact family, but no one picks up the phone at the address they found.
Somebody asks Tezuka if he knows the boy – man; it seems they are the same age – but he can only shake his head. He saw the boy for the first time on his doorstep that day.
-
"My name is Kisarazu Ryou." The boy says when Tezuka is alone with him in the hospital room later. He does not know why he stayed, but for some reason it feels like the right thing to do.
"I am twenty-one, born on November 20, 1988." Kisarazu-san continues, but the words sound like they mean nothing to him. "I was born in Chiba, but am attending Tokyo Daigaku now. I study Literature."
Tezuka nods, looking around the room. It is as empty as Kisarazu-san's eyes.
Are you scared? he asks.
Kisarazu-san only shakes his head. Tezuka is not sure if he remembers what it feels like to be scared.
-
Two days later the doctors manage to contact family.
It seems Kisarazu-san has a twin brother, the boy rushing into the hospital room looks like his mirror image, save for the hair cut short.
Tezuka does not even know why he is here, but every day after work he stopped by the hospital to see if Kisarazu-san had remembered anything.
Still, he does not want to intrude on the family, so he gets up and with a quick nod to what must be Kisarazu-san's parents, leaves the room.
Even from outside he can hear Kisarazu-san's twin pleading with their parents to take him home to Chiba, but the hospital equipment in Tokyo is much better. The twin finally has to concede.
Vaguely he remembers there used to be a pair of twins when he still played tennis in middle school.
Tezuka makes another call to Fuji that evening.
-
You used to play tennis, is what Tezuka tells Kisarazu-kun when he goes to see him again. It has been two days since the family visit, but he has been busy with work – and a meeting with some childhood friend of Fuji.
"I don't remember." Is all he gets as a reply, but even though Kisarazu-kun's eyes are still empty as on the day he found him, Tezuka finally wins a small smile.
He does not know why it makes him so happy.
Be careful, Tezuka says on his way out, but he does not know what Kisarazu-kun is supposed to be careful about. The boy has already lost everything.
-
When Tezuka arrives at the hospital the next day Kisarazu-kun's twin is already there, together with Saeki and someone he thinks he remembers from back when. The third man is introduced to him as 'Bane-san'.
Tezuka knows those must have been friends of Kisarazu-kun, but still no light of remembrance shines in his eyes even though he claims to recall their voices from somewhere.
Damn right you should, says the one called Bane, we were your damn friends since you were born.
The dejectedness in their faces is hard to miss when they leave. Tezuka still stays for an hour.
-
Do you miss your memories? Asks Tezuka one of those days when everyone else has gone home.
"How can I miss something," Kisarazu-kun replies after a long pause, "that I cannot remember in the first place?"
-
After four weeks the doctors are about to give up. There has been no change in Ryou-kun, and since he has no physical injuries there is no reason to keep him confined to the hospital any longer.
They sit together in silence for the longest while after that announcement.
"I want to come live with you." Ryou-kun finally says, startling Tezuka for the first time since he found him on his doorstep.
Why, he asks, wouldn't it be more reasonable to go stay with your family?
Ryou shakes his head. "I don't want to see their disappointment when I fail to remember yet another story they tell me."
In the end Tezuka somehow agrees. Maybe he feels responsible, since he was the one who found Ryou-kun. Or maybe he just did it on a whim – but then again Tezuka does not do things just because he feels like it.
Ryou-kun somehow turns his thoughts unreasonable.
-
Ryou-kun is not a troublesome roommate to have around. He isn't loud, he cleans up after himself and at night they can watch movies together while drinking tea.
Sometimes people still visit, Ryou-kun's twin most of the times, and almost as often it ends in him storming from the apartment, door slamming shut behind him. Only a few times does he see the twin leave the house with the same dejected look he had seen him wear in the hospital.
Perhaps, Tezuka muses, it is easier to deal with by being angry than with grief.
-
Ryou-kun hums when he cooks. He hums when he brushes his teeth or when he's getting ready to go to bed.
Tezuka does not listen to music, but he contemplates buying CDs for Ryou-kun, seeing how the other man seems to like it.
When Tezuka asks about it he just receives a smile. "It's not like I remember what I like to listen to anyway."
The next day Tezuka stops by the nearest music store and gets a mix of everything. It may not help him remember, but that doesn't mean Ryou-kun won't enjoy it.
-
The next time his twin comes to visit Tezuka stops him before he can clash with Ryou-kun again. The empty look in Ryou-kun's eyes never changes after such an encounter, but Tezuka notices the change in expression – it hurts him to hurt his twin like that.
They sit inside the Starbucks for a good half an hour when Tezuka finally speaks, tells the twin he doesn't think Ryou does not want to remember. It's simply that he can't.
Oddly enough the twin just nods at this and continues to stare at his Mocha Frappuccino.
Perhaps, Tezuka thinks, the twin understands more than he lets on during his visits.
He will want to return home when he is ready, he tells the twin, and again receives a nod. Tezuka doesn't think there will be any more door slamming.
-
Ryou-kun can't cook, Tezuka realizes when he returns from his conversation with the twin.
He does not know if it has always been that way, or if he has just forgotten, but the stench coming from the kitchenette is awful.
Tezuka bans Ryou-kun from cooking after that.
-
Something Ryou is not awful at is baking though, and Tezuka is surprised when he is greeted by the smell of freshly baked cake when he returns from work on his birthday.
He remembers he told Ryou about it a few weeks before.
Tezuka lifts the ban from the kitchen, as long as Ryou promises not to try cooking again.
-
Ryou falls asleep with his head in Tezuka's lap one night while they are watching 'Memento'. But he does not mind, instead running his hand through the long, black locks that adorn Ryou's head.
He is surprised by how soft they are.
Ryou has a habit of catching him off his guard he notices, but Tezuka does not think he minds.
-
Tezuka must have been dozing off, because when he opens his eyes again Ryou is looking up at him, fingers entwined.
"We should head to bed." Ryou says and Tezuka nods.
He is not sure when Kisarazu-san turned into just Ryou.