Time's shadow
"Tomorrow will come, some other time
It will come running, such a bolt,
And I, regardless of it,
Bored,
Undecided,
I'll let it pass"
(Ferdinando Mavellia)
He didn't think nothing anymore.
He spent his whole existence taking advantage of the best he could take, that could become his.
And now Jasper Hale, the rough copy of the Jasper Whitlock he had been time ago, was overpowered by the worst evil: the boredom.
He looked out of the window of the hotel "La Locanda", placed into the centre of Volterra and he winced.
He saw the people, those little meaningless living creature, walking through the roads of the ancient town, carefree and happy, unaware of the luck they had because they were simple human being. He sighed. They were there for Carlisle's will. Volturi asked for his presence, more imperatively than a simple invitation request, and the vampire accepted without hesitation, convinced that found a dialogue with them could make simpler the fate of Bella and of the all family. Further, they left all together. Bella included. Carlisle didn't want to risk to be alone, in case that things wouldn't go as he planned.
That's because Jasper was there now, stuck since hours, with too much time to reflect. It was may, and Tuscan skies seemed not to know a cloud's shadow. Everything was drowned into the rays of a Sun that Jasper began to hate. That star meant to him reclusion, nothing else.
He forced himself to stand up, avoiding to look out again, convinced that if he would go on, he would make something crazy. He went downstairs, and into the wide sitting room he found Bella, sat on the sofa, she was reading. When heard him coming, the girl turned back, and closed the book. She forced herself to stay still where she was. She didn't feel safe at all with the blond vampire, and his iris, dangerously black, didn't help her.
Jasper sighed, and used his powers to ease her.
- It's not loyal- she said to him. He smiled hardly.
- But it's surely use- he answered. He kept the distance, trying to ignore the girl's scent, which was unfriendly penetrating his throat.
- Carlisle is not back yet- she informed him, believing it was him that Jasper was looking for, but he shook his head.
- I didn't come for him. I simply got tired by staying into my room- he told her.
- A vampire getting tired of something?- she joked him faintly – I don't think I've ever heard something like that- he stiffened up.
- You human beings are so terribly fool- he hissed. She put on a more serious expression, understanding she hit a nerve.
- I'm... I'm sorry… I didn't want to bother you- she stammered.
- You can't understand, can you? Can't you understand how horrible is our life?- he sneered sarcastic – For you we're just the most beautiful, the strongest and the fastest beings – he made a short pause – Well, no one of you had ever understand how the eternity could be a slow and inexorable agony- he snarled. She frightened again.
- Forgive me. I... I believed that you were… well… happy. You know, with Alice and all- Jasper calmed down a bit.
- I love Alice. But often it's not enough – he said her – I fight everyday against bore, and against my nature. I saw human's lives going away and sometimes I catch myself hoping I can have that ending too. It's not easy to live daily with something that the others will never be able to understand. And Carlisle's way of life…- he wavered, looking for the words which wasn't supposed to scare Bella more than this – is surely something that made us nearer to human beings. But in the meantime broke us apart. I'm with the Cullen since a lot of years by now, and you don't know how many times we got to escape from a place where we settled down, just to avoid to be seen, to be found out- Bella heard him, caught by his voice's melancholy – You don't know how much I envy my brother. His self control. His courage. Edward can stay next to you and come out almost unaffected, while I can't control my feelings when you, or another human being, come nearer- Bella was sure the vampire was thinking about the day of her last birthday.
- You're less trained Jasper. You'll see, with time you can have the same control the others have- she tried to reassure him, but he became irritated.
- Time? I'm tired about the time which goes by, it always goes by and it never changes. I'm tired to live everyday such the previous one- he sighed – I regret my life before, you don't know how much-
- I didn't think you didn't like to be a vampire- despite himself, he smiled.
- I liked it when I was just like the others, well not more than a machine. But now... I feel I got a conscience- he lost his heart – I know it's not nice to say it, but you don't know sometimes how much is awful to recognize good choices from bad one- he ended up, leaving her alone, reflecting on what he just said. I wouldn't become anymore the one he was once, it wasn't possible anymore. But he regretted the missing of uncertainties of that Jasper that was by now dead and buried.
When night fell, Jasper finally damned his thoughts: he just hope the darkness would take away that sense of oppression and imprisonment, but nothing changed: he wasn't more enslaved to the light, but he was to his nature. Lost into his melancholy's meanders, he clearly heard Bella's regular breath, she was sleeping into the room next to his, and with her breath her scent came too. He took a glass, and with a minimum grasp he broke it up in a thousand pieces. He wasn't disposed to spend that night like he spent all the others. That night, he decided, would be eternal, as eternal seemed to him his damnation.
He went out of the hotel, it was just midnight. He went into the Cathedral's square, almost deserted. Just a few souls were still around the city's street. They were the most young guys, rowdy, in considerable groups, the most of them was drunk. Jasper hated them. He would need to drink, of some elation, something that would erase all the grudge form his memory.
But no alcohol or drugs would have any effect on his unassailable organism.
He was just thirsty. And not that thirst which could be gathered from his eyes. No. He was thirsty of life, and each source of that kind was precluded to him. He was happy just about one thing: he was in the right city for that feeling of inconclusiveness.
So he was in a few in front of Caius, Marcus and Aro. The three thousand-years vampires stared at him, Aro with amused look, Caius annoyed and Marcus indifferent.
- What a surprise! Two Cullen in a day!- Aro exclaimed, with his usual enthusiasm.
Jasper hammed a little bow.
- Good evening, Volturi- he said formally.
- And tell me, what brings you here my young friend?- the vampire asked him curiously – I hope you have more sense than your family, and you're not here to beg for that wonderful human-
- If Bella is turned or not is not my problem. My interests are other- he answered with cold pitch.
- Well, I listen- Aro answered making Caius sighing, exasperate.
- I came to ask you the same thing that my brother made you some time ago- he exposed, briefly.
- Death?- Aro seemed to be astonished.
- Exactly-
- Your life style would have to be so satisfying how Carlisle preach if in a few months two of you came here asking to be killed- Caius interfered, sarcastic.
- It's not about the life style. It's my need, different from Edward's one-
- Didn't you lose something too? I would propose you to think about it, whatever are your concerns... your brother is been reckless, and he was about to go toward a catastrophe- Aro invited him to reflect, then he went down the few stairs which separated him from the other and held him out his hand. Jasper withdrew.
- Is really necessary for you to know all my thoughts if I want to die?- he said controversial.
- No. But I think that your request is kind of interesting. Edward cared about exposing us the reasons of his request, while your reticence intrigue me- Jasper sighed, then he went nearer and held a hand to the vampire. He took it and closed his eyes. Less than a minute later, he opened them back.
- A lot of us sooner or later felt like you're feeling now- he smiled, malicious – and I suppose that the deprivation of human blood, which you was used to, weighs upon this sense of inadequacy- he provoked him. Jasper looked down.
- I miss it, but it's not the reason why I'm here. If the problem was just that, I would resume eating men, and not animals- he lied, pretending it was easier than it really was. Aro stared him, doubtful.
- Go back to your family, Jasper. Go to Alice. Talk to Edward, to Carlisle- he smiled – Tomorrow night come back here, and you'll tell us your final decision- Jasper got exasperated.
- My decision is already definitive!- he said, but Aro was inflexible.
- It's true that you think we are monsters. But, if there's no good reasons to do it, I respect my kin's life – he said that, he turned back and went near his brothers – See you tomorrow Jasper. Let's reflect – he dismissed him. So the vampire went away, without saying a word. He went back into the square. Now it was totally empty. He could imagine it was hot, but he couldn't, obviously, feel it. He walk a long time, trying to weigh his steps, or he would risk to arrive in France briefly. After a few hours, he looked at the sky. It began to be lit up by the imminent dawn. He sighed. His imprisonment started again. He ran to the hotel, faster than it was necessary, he didn't want to be surprised by the sun's rays.
Into the room, he found Alice, sat on the bed. She had probably previewed hi coming back. And, he damned himself, she had surely seen also his conversation with Aro. Her face in fact was tense in an harsh expression.
- Alice...- he whispered to her. She rose her look, accusing.
- Would you like to explain to me why I see you die tomorrow, Jasper?- she asked him, with trembling voice. He sighed.
- I'm sorry honey- he said – but I can't go on like that. You can see, I'm different from the all of you. I can't live every moment with the terrible fear for the next one to come. I'm a weight for you, for Carlisle and Esme, for Edward – he swallowed – and for Bella. You know that until I'm around she's always in danger – Alice flew into a rage so much more.
- Jasper Whitlock, please don't joke me! Bella would be in danger even if she would trip over an unsteady tile! And you're not a weight for anyone!- she stood up and went a few centimeters from his face – you can't understand that we love you, can you?-
- And then explain to me why I can't avoid the feeling that there's something deeply wrong in my existence- she hugged him.
- How could be wrong someone who can make me feel so happy?- he didn't answer, and she broke away from him, intolerant. – I really hope you heard Aro's words. And that you talk to Edward. Is the wisest device he could give to you- she told him bitterly, then she went out of the room quickly, with less charm than the one which usually distinguished her. Jasper hadn't considerate the vampire in his plans. He didn't think at all that she, once he took his decision, would see all. He thought not to tell her a thing, in order to make her avoid that pain, that powerlessness into the effort of convincing him. But so, he could at least farewell her.
A few after, he knocked on the door next to his room.
- Come in- he heard Edward whispering. He saw him laid near Bella, which was still sleeping. He was surprised by seeing him. They kept silence, the time Edward employed to sound his brother's thoughts. When he ended up, he stared at him with his eyes opened wide. He left his place near the girl, and they went out of the room together, in order to not bother her.
- Jasper, did you become crazy?- he asked, when they was down in the sitting room. He sneered.
- And you tell this to me? Didn't you just decide the same a few months ago?-
- It was different Jazz and you know this too. I thought Bella was dead-
- And going on like this I'll die, though I'll keep on living- he snarled.
- And Alice? Didn't really give you any problem leaving her?- Jasper felt guilty.
Do you really think I'm not scared? he thought, like he was unable to speak. Edward sighed.
- Esme will be deadly hurt. And so all the others-
- You'll get used to this. Like I've been only passing through.
- Yes, but you didn't pass through. You're a son to Esme and Carlisle, a brother to me, Emmett and Rosalie... also to Bella-
- To Bella? A brother or a monster?-
- You have too much self-pity Jasper. No one of us had ever seen you like a monster, further you keep trying convincing us that you are-
- Yes Edward, but here nothing seems to change. I stay the same, the world stays the same. I don't know how could you live, no exists, like this, but I can't- Edward put an hand on his shoulder.
- I've always been the pinhead in this family. And I did nothing but making mistakes. You better than me. Try not to make my same mistakes – he told him, then he hugged him quickly. When they separate, Edward went back upstairs to Bella. Before he disappear, he gave him a sad look.
He made him doubt for a second. He just wanted to die, not to hurt the other in vain. But he didn't know how to conciliate the things. He went into his room. The vampire got back there. Her face didn't change, because her vision didn't too. He sat next to her, without saying a word. Then he suddenly put his hand on her face, nestling her to kiss her. She didn't offer resistance, though she kissed him back, violently, like she wanted to hurt him, in order to punish him for his decision. They laid on the bed, getting soon free of their clothes. He stopped for a moment, and looked her in her eyes.
- I love you Alice- he whispered. He saw her changing expression, and he was sure that she would cry if she could. It was just a second, then they kept on kissing, tasting each other, almost as they would eat each other, they put in touching impetuosity, the repression of hostile feelings. When he came into her, Alice groaned more than necessary, and in that groan, almost a chocked shout, there was all: there was the pleasure of being so close to him, the pain for his obstinacy, anxiety, fear. They were tied in their bodies, in their feelings and in their minds. When they both reached the top, they fell forsaken on the bed, staying hugged for long.
- Don't do it- she whispered to him, after a few minutes. He sighed.
- I've got a good reason not to do it- he admitted - But I have to sort myself out, honey- she said.
- I hope you to take the right decision- she said, standing up. She dressed up and went downstairs. She wanted to leave him alone, she wanted him to reflect, that he didn't hear other's judgment, but that he felt convinced on his own, that he ripened them.
Jasper realized that she loved him, he could really understand it in that moment, after years. Because just someone who really loves you can let you go away. And so he decided to take advantage of that little moment she granted him to think more. It was nine o'clock a.m. less than fifteen hours, and he would pass his judgment. Now he was more confuse than ever. And this was he didn't want at all. I wanted to take a decision in a way, not serene, but at least resigned. He didn't know how much had been right to make love with Alice. Being so near, until the highest point, and then being the most far possible. He thought about what Aro said, about Edward's words, and also what Bella said that morning. She would give up on everything just to get immortality, which would allow her to stay near Edward forever. He smiled thinking that the thing she desired the most in the world, was the same which was going to lead him to death that night. Then he considered the whole humans. So fool the most, they wasted their time, just futilities in succession. It had to be a middle way between eternity and moment.
His family… Edward was right, they were a family. Esme and Carlisle was supposed to feel exactly like a parent when a son dies. He tried to avoid the image of his mother when she knew that Edward went to Italy, in vain. He saw the horror again, the pain, the agony on his face. He sighed, thinking that he could give her such emotions again.
And finally… Alice. He remembered with a smile the day she saved him. That little witchie had always known him, finding a way to never been known. She was able to surprise him everyday, to make him smile... she went across all his reticence just with a glance. And he stayed with Cullen because of her love, he renounced to the thing which had been his creed all life long.
And know that life was wasting him inside, stronger than a vampire, stronger than a werewolf, stronger than a demon, time was corroding his existence. He sighed. He didn't know what he was supposed to say to Aro. He decided to go downstairs, to spend with the others the one which could be his last day on earth. He saw Emmett playing chess with Carlisle, Rosalie and Alice looking at the TV and Esme into the kitchen, in the next room, which was insisting to cook something for Bella, while the girl tried to dissuade her and Edward, by her side, giggled.
- Good morning- he said to everybody, coming in. Emmett rose his look from the chessboard.
- Hi sleepyhead- he joked him – Did you make small hours yesterday?- he looked at his eyes, even darker.
- I didn't hunt. I went through the town- he answered, thinking that it wasn't a lie at all. Then, facing the wall created by Bella's scent, he went near to Esme in order to kiss her on her cheek – Hi mom – he told her, to please her. She smiled, satisfied.
- When did you become so affective?- she asked, messing up his hairs. Alice looked at him for a second, without anybody notice her, then she stared back the screen.
- I'm in good mood- this was a lie, and huge. He went sitting on an armchair, at the border of the sitting room, so he could look at all. While he stared them, engrossed, Edward appeared on his back.
No, I hadn't decide yet Jasper thought, before his brother could talk. The other smiled.
- At least this means that you didn't decide "yes". It's a good new, somehow- he whispered, so quietly that he could be heard by someone else.
You're incurable optimist
- Sometimes- he became serious again – Did you talk with Alice a bit?- he asked. Jasper nodded.
- Of course I talked to her, or I wouldn't be so confused- Edward put an hand on his shoulder.
- You'll see, when you'll be in front of Aro, you're gonna know what's the rightesr choice-
I hope so
That night they was waiting for him. The sky had covered with thick grey clouds, which covered moon and stars.
Nothing tighter for my mood Jasper thought. He went to the door, but sooner he stopped into the sitting room, where Alice sat in front of a PC. He took her by her wrist and nestled her.
- I go – he simply told her.
- See you later- she answered, in a last hope élan – I love you- she whispered, kissing him. He went out, without linger more. He went through the square faster than the night before, his whole body was full of anxiety. He was introduced again into the biggest salon of Volturi's residence, where the three of them was waiting for him.
- Jasper! What a joy to see you!- Aro exclaimed. The vampire didn't know if he had to take offence or not, but he decided to let it go.
- Good evening Aro- he said, careless to the others, like they were careless to him.
- So... did you reflect about what I said yesterday?- he asked.
- Yes I thought about it. And I told to some of my relatives – again, Aro led his hand to him and Jasper, more reluctantly than the night before, gave it to him.
- Your brother Edwar is wiser for the others than he is for himself- he commented at the end, passing up a laughter. Then he began serious again – So... are you ready to tell me your decision?- if Jasper's heart could beat, in that moment it would go out of his chest. In his mind he had dozen images. The first time he met Alice, and when he made love with her the night before, his meeting with Cullen, the days when he fought by Maria's side, Bella's last birthday... after a few minutes, he rose his look.
- I reflected carefully. And I decided to... give up- he throw out a blew, like he wasn't breathing since the day before.
- Good- Aro said, while Caius and Marcus seemed to be even more offish – I'm happy you decided to avoid your idea. After all, it would be a waste to kill your potential- Jasper hurried to take his leave, before the vampire started making purposes to him.
- Now I gotta go. I got so many things to do, and so few time- he said, turning back and walking away. He couldn't wait to go back to people he loved and, he thought with a smile, who loved him.