Lies
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, language, plots, or locations from Fringe. Fox Network holds all rights to Fringe and this story is not created for profit.
Summary: Lies, there are lots of different lies.
Notes:
First attempt at fiction writing in a long time, also un-betaed so all comments will be welcome.
Lying here as the lights seem to dim around me, I can't help but think about one of the first lies we are ever told. There is nothing to fear in the dark, there is nothing in the dark that isn't there in the light. There are lots of variations, but they all come down to the idea that the dark is benign.
Yeah, right.
The lights seem to be so weak now, or maybe I don't have the strength to keep my eyes open anymore. Humans like the light, a basic human condition. Ever since we learned that in the dark, we are vulnerable. This was a basic truth for millennia, that in the light you were safer. Then we thought we got smart. Humanity is not nearly as evolved as it likes to think. I always knew the dark held danger, for a long time I was part of that danger.
Walter knew that the dark was dangerous.
Olivia learned that the dark was dangerous.
The others knew on a primal level that something was in the dark.
We, as a species, like to fool ourselves about it all.
--
It's cold as well as dark now. My fingers no longer respond the feeling leeched out of them by the cold in the darkness.
--
Our team started, properly started on a lie. The emotional blackmail just added to the lie. She stood there and lied to me. Maybe it was my ego being stroked just a little by the pretty blonde back when I didn't know her. Maybe I did feel a little guilty about my father. A lie none the less.
She said I was needed. Without me, they couldn't have Walter. That was the need. Lying here, in the wet grass, my blood slowly flowing out the wound in my stomach, my legs broken, yet feeling little pain, I fully realised the extent of the lie.
I wasn't needed. This was the damned US Government. They and their beloved Patriot Act and all those other little powers the agencies have could easily have got access to Walter. They had access to far better trained people than me to work with him, far more suited to his wild eccentricities and mental state.
The base of the lie was her. She was avoiding responsibility. Everyone thinks of her as the responsible agent, a good agent, a bit damaged and wary but a good agent all the same.
That was a lie. She was a loose cannon. She dressed it up, played on everyone, even me as been driven and caring about the work but she was a loose cannon. She avoided a basic responsibility by palming it neatly off to me.
With me in place, I was responsible for Walter and all that entails. I had to deal with his behaviours and constantly clean up misunderstandings with others while she 'concentrated' on the cases. It was neat for her, she gets access whenever she wants to Walter but never pays that cost.
For me, it is hell. I have to smooth over ever crack he causes. He may be brilliant but even before his mental state worsened, he wasn't a people person. As a father he was bad, with others terrible. She realised this off the bat and decided that she didn't want to be responsible for him. If I weren't around Broyles probably would have had her responsible, she knows it because it was her idea to bring him into the fold.
As I said, she lied, and kept lying.
--
Damn, why isn't anyone looking for me?
--
I'm sure someone must have noticed I'm missing by now.
Hell they practically only have to come out the lab to find me.
I said to Olivia I would be at the Federal Building by three o'clock.
I told Walter and Astrid where I was going.
It's six now, three hours with no contact.
At least I can still hear as a radio nearby blares out the news.
I can't move, can't yell.
It's so cold, so dark.
--
Trust is important. I knew that, everyone who works a con, knows that you need the other person to trust you while you work at them. Conmen are expert at building trust up, we do it without the other person knowing so they let their guard down. Then we pounce. The best of us aren't noticed until a long time after.
Trust is important to a team. Maybe that's why we don't function on all cylinders. We lack trust. We say we trust each other. I even mean it, most of the time. She never does.
Like a damned puppy I've followed her, I thought we were building something. Not just work but as something else.
I realised too late. She'll never listen at the important points; she'll only listen to herself. A lot of it is selfishness. She has to be the one, she has to have control, and she has to be in charge. She's a basket case and selfish. She uses us and we basically live at her beck and call.
Even Astrid, a member of her own agency is treated like dirt by her when she gets on one of her crusades.
Don't get me wrong, there are times that obsessions and drive are needed but you have to learn to balance that. Otherwise, bad things happen, otherwise you end up like Walter. Walter, I'm sure as a scientist back in the day, would have been Olivia's equivalent in the scientific landscape. Now he can barely function in the real world while remaining a brilliant mind.
Damn it, why hasn't she looked for me? She's the agent. She probably thought I skipped out on the meeting. She doesn't trust me to even keep a meeting time.
--
I can't even be sarcastic or detached now. I always wondered how I would face death. I always hoped I wouldn't know and that it'd be quick. This is anything but. For five hours, in the cold weather with lingering wounds was not quick. If they hadn't broken my legs, or cuffed my hands, I probably could have dragged myself to help.
Unfortunately, they knew how to make it last, how to make it slow just to play with your head. It was also a message to the others.
--
Experiences, our joys, our pains, all come together to form our personalities, our forms. Each person is a unique individual. Each person faces unique trials, each trial building their character a little at a time. A person is the product of everything they experience to that point and will always grow beyond it. Listen to me, I'm dying and I choose now to get philosophical.
Everyone on the team has their problems, their pain. At some other point in time, I could give you a breakdown of each person on the team. Admittedly, that's not very likely now.
Olivia is a case of someone thinking that they are defined only by their pains and because of this they have it worse than everyone else. Yes, she has a whole host of issues, stepfather, the drug trials by Bell and Walter, her former partner being a traitor. But she's a coward, she took the easy route out.
Ironic me saying that, but I was forced to change and change I have. I'm not perfect and still would love to get away from this forever. The thing is I don't, I've changed, allowed myself to grow beyond what I was.
Olivia doesn't. She's so caught up in herself and thinks that it entitles her. It's always her call, her issues that come to the fore. Her problems, she now uses as a shield against real life.
She lies, says she is fine and copes fine. It's so blatantly not the case, I can't believe they let her continue as an agent. The case with the transformation serum and Conrad is a perfect example of the subtle emphasis she puts on it being about her and screw everyone else. All because of her issues.
Don't get me wrong, she has problems but she's not alone like that.
Her stepfather was a real piece of work, but at least she was able to take an action. What about the little girl who couldn't get a gun? What about her issues? What about the little boy who sees his mother abused, himself abused and beaten for just existing? In some ways even with all that happened Olivia actually knew she took a stand and had that opportunity. Lots of kids never can take that opportunity or even worse they take it and it doesn't work out. The gun misfires and the abuser isn't injured. What happens to that child?
Drug trials happen all the time and bad things happen. Hell, at least she got out of it healthy. Not everyone was as lucky. Some drugs leave the test subjects blind, insane or dead. She does however often, especially recently beat Walter down with Cortexiphan trials. At first, you could understand it but now she is vicious with it. She berates a broken man about things he can't remember. Things that seventeen years in an asylum have muddled and removed, things that brain surgery may have affected. She needs Walter but lately it seems it is for a punching bag. Yes, Walter was wrong. Walter did a lot of things wrong, especially with regards to myself, his own son. However, I've learned to not berate the man for things he can't remember, for things he can't change now. She hasn't, she thinks her problems give her leeway to be like that.
I don't think they'll find me. It's completely dark now.
--
Do I lie to myself? Do I tell myself that they'll find me? That, maybe, I'll be saved?
I wish could have been a better man, forgiven Walter for everything. I'm not that a good man, I'm not sure I am a good man at all.
I hope Olivia doesn't get Walter killed.
I hope Olivia doesn't get herself killed.
I wish I could have been a better man, a better person.
If I were, maybe things would have been different, maybe I could have gotten through to her.
Even now, I come back to her.
My world seems to revolve round her.
The last lie I think of is that love and hate are related, that one can lead to the other. Love and Hate are completely different, but can exist simultaneously with ease. Anything else is just fairy tales.
At this point, I love Walter and I hate him. I can do both, they aren't the same, not even remotely and one doesn't lead to the other.
I think I may love Olivia, but also I think I hate her. I changed because of her and I am dying because of her.
--
It's so quiet now. No light to disturb me anymore. The pain is gone. I think I just need some sleep.
I just need to rest.
A little sleep, then I'll take Walter home.
Yes, the end of the day.
And tomorrow, no more lies.
--
But tomorrow never comes.