Hello everyone. This is my first fanfic, and I'm really excited about posting it. I hope everyone likes it. Rated T for some violence and drunkness.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters, places, or anything else you recognize from the books. They belong to the lovely Cassandra Clare.

Now Presenting:

Regretful Daydreams and Drunken Nightmares

I managed to stumble into our apartment. The clock on the wall said that it's two o'clock in the morning.

What the hell was I thinking?

I started to walk toward the bathroom to throw up the bottle and a half of whisky I gulped down-given to me by some homeless guy at the bar-and I ended up puking it all over the couch. It smelled horrible, and Magnus was going to kill me for it in the morning.

I don't usually go drinking. Actually, I never have. I don't like the taste of alcohol. I just wanted to get drunk. With the day I'm having, I totally deserved it.

FLASHBACK - 6 HOURS AGO

Magnus and I were sitting on the couch, watching Project Runway and eating some tai food that he had snapped in for us. I caught myself looking at him instead of watching the girls in funny outfits strut and pose for the photographer.

He turned to look at me, and I didn't look away in time. "What are you looking at?," he whispered into my ear.

"The most beautiful man in the world," I said, it surprised me, I wasn't usually that confident. Then he nipped my neck, right below the ear, and I gasped.

He pulled away, looking at me straight on, "Looking in mirrors, are we, dear?"

My hands went to his face, "No, Magnus, I'm looking at you." I sighed. He will never think he is beautiful- not for real at least, he'll joke about it, but not really think it-no matter how many times I tell him. I pulled him in for a kiss, and he gladly obliged. It was a sweet kiss, nothing harsh or teasing. It was a kiss of love and passion-at least I know it was for me.

Then my stupid phone started ringing.

He pulled away so that our foreheads were touching, his hands still around my neck, eyes closed. Then he sighed, giving me permission to answer my phone. I pulled it out, and looked at the screen.

It was Jace.

"Meet me at Taki's in 15 minutes. Bring your weapons belt. Urgent.

Received 8:16 pm"

Magnus had let go of me, and opened his eyes. He was looking down at my phone, reading the message. He raised his head to look at me. I could see the pain in his eyes. He hates it when I leave to go to Jace, but I just can't help it.

"Baby, I have to go. I'm sorry," I whispered. I was worried that he would start screaming again. I looked at him to make sure he wasn't going to flip out like he did last time. When I was pretty sure he wouldn't I said "I love you," and pecked him on the cheek. He just closed his eyes again. I got up off of the couch, and grabbed my belt off the table. I was at the door, with my hand on the doorknob when he spoke up.

"No you don't," he whispered. "You love him. Why do you love him, Alec? I gave you everything. I've given you more than I've given anyone else in my entire life. What does he have that I don't?," by the end he was screaming.

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know the answers to those questions. I didn't know what to say because I never know what to say. "I have to go. I'm sorry," I stuttered out like a fool.

I bolted down the steps and started into the direction of Taki's.

I ran all the way to Taki's. Jace was waiting there for me, in our usual table in the corner. He looked up when I walked into the door. I was panting a little, but managed to level my breathing by the time I got over to the table.

"What did you need?," I asked, sliding into the booth.

"Clary wants me to take her hunting. She's been wanting me to actually. She said the next time I got a call that she was going to go, whether I liked it or not. I know that she has gotten a lot better, but I'm still worried," he ran his hand through his golden locks, an action that used to make me swoon, but hasn't been lately. "I got a call that there was a Shax Demon in some warehouse in China Town. She heard about it too. Will you go with us as back-up? I have a really bad feeling about this one," he said calmly.

I could have punched him. "You mean to say that you called me away from my boyfriend to go hunting with you and your girlfriend. This is unbelievable," I screamed.

I know he won't get it. I know I must sound like a lunatic, but the only thing Magnus and I fight about is the fact that I am in love with my parabatai, and not only does he not notice, he wants help with his girlfriend.

"Alec, what the fuck? I just wanted to go hunting, and don't act like anyone forced you here," he growled.

For a second time today I didn't know what to say, and for the second time today, I gave the worst answer possible. "I have to go. I'm sorry," I said monotone.

I bolted. AGAIN. By the Angel, what is wrong with me? Oh wait, that's right. I'm in love with my parabatai and I already have a boyfriend.

"What about the hunt?," Jace yelled after me.

"Get Isabelle," I yelled over my shoulder as I rounded the corner.

I need to get home. I need to get to Magnus. I need a drink. Maybe before I go home I could go get a drink real quick to calm me down a bit.

The bar was dark, the counter was sticky, the barmaid was slutty, but the drinks were delicious. At least after a while they were. The first few wouldn't go down easily. I spit the first shot back up, but the barmaid just kept giving them to me. I guess she either wanted more money or to get me in bed. If Magnus was here he would have made her buzz off.

Magnus.

I feel so bad, for making him feel that way. I wish I could stop it, but I love Jace. I've always loved Jace, but I love Magnus too. Can you even love two people at the same time-love them, not like a brother, but as something more. Lately I've been thinking more about Magnus. He is always in my head. I thought it was because I love him. I guess I do, but then I love Jace too.

"At least I'm supposed to," I said to myself.

"What are you supposed to do, baby?," the slinky barmaid asked. She pushed her large breasts out further and laid them on the bar as she leaned over it, and ran her finger down my arm. The homeless man next to me was gawking at her. He smelled like alcohol, smoke, and garbage. There were four bottles lined up in front of him, two of them were the whiskey I was drinking and the other two were much harder liquor. I guess he was stocking up. He probably thought that she was really sexy, but I didn't. I thought she was gross. She probably had diseases. I pulled my arm away. She pouted, leaning forward a little more. "Do you want to tell me about it?," she asked, putting one arm underneath her breasts pushing them up some more. Any farther and they will be touching her chin. She looked up at me and batted her lashes, while pouring me another drink.

"No thanks," I said matter-of-factly.

She looked a little pissed off. "Fine. How are you going to pay for that," she pointed to the full glass of whisky she just poured, "and that?," she added pointing to the empty glasses that were lined up to my left.

I pulled out the credit card my parents gave to me to use for emergencies only, but I don't really care anymore. She snatched it from my hand, and put the rest of the bottle of whiskey on the counter in front of me.

I poured myself another full glass, and sipped at it. I've put Magnus through so much pain. I hate that I've done that. Maybe I can love him and only him. Jace will never love me, and I have never really loved him.

WHAT?! I downed the rest of both of the glasses-which were full to the brim.

I did not just think that. Why did I think that? It must be the alcohol, but what if it's not? What if I never really did love Jace? I guess I loved him for not being able to love me. I knew that he was safe, and would never be able to love me back, and never be able to break me. Loving Jace, and him not loving me made being gay not real. I was scared, but now I don't have to be, I thought with a sudden burst of confidence and pride. I have Magnus, and the love I have for him and the love he has for me is real. I don't love Jace. I love Magnus, and only Magnus.

What if he doesn't take me back? Oh shit. I love him, but I realized to late. I have to get home. I hope I have it in me to tell him what I need to.

I chugged the rest of the bottle of whiskey-the homeless man next to me cheered me on-he was drunk of off his ass-and grabbed my credit card.

"Where are you going?," he asked.

"To propose to my boyfriend," I beamed at him.

He grabbed one of the bottles in front of him. "Here. Liquid courage," he smiled. His breathe smelled rotten. I considered giving it back to him, but, who was I kidding, I need all the courage I could get.

"Thanks," I said getting up. The room started to spin, but I finally made it out the door and in the direction of home.

I started walking up the stairs to the apartment. There were more then I remembered. I finished the whiskey bottle on the way there. It tasted really good. I got through the door, and it looked like no one was home.

"Magnus?," I screamed, but no one answered. I guess he was out somewhere. The clock on the wall says that it's two o'clock in the morning.

END OF FLASHBACK - PRESENT TIME

He's not home. I just threw up all over his couch. I think that the best thing to do is to sleep. I would like to sleep. Sleep sounds good. I remembered that I still had my weapons belt on as I laid down on the vomit covered couch, hugging my whiskey bottle.

I woke up on the couch covered in the most vile smelling substance. I started to sit up, but the pain radiating from the crown of my head knocked me back down. I laid there for three minutes, remembering and processing everything that happened last night. I managed to gather the strength to walk to the bathroom.

It looked like Magnus still wasn't home, so I threw myself in the shower, not caring that I still had my clothes on, I just needed to get the puke off of me and out of my hair. It was disgusting. I took my clothes off once I had been in the shower for a good five minutes and they were soaking wet. It was difficult, but I got my clothes off, got out of the shower, and dressed myself. I have to find Magnus, but I don't know where he even is.

I went to make coffee because that was what Jace and Izzy do when they are hung over, I mean he has to come home at some point. There was a note attached to the machine.

"Meet me at the Institute.

Magnus"

I didn't even put shoes on-screw coffee. I ran out of the door, my head pounding with every step. After 15 minutes of running I finally made it to the Institute.

I found everyone in the kitchen. Jace and Magnus were sitting awful close to each other. Izzy was sitting across from them, her eyes red, from what looked like crying. Jace's eyes were red too.

Jace heard me walk in, and turned around. He came at me running, and before I knew what was happening he punched me square in the jaw with enough force to send me flying.

"What the hell, Jace?," I screamed. Magnus was chuckling.

"You mother-fucker!," Jace screamed at me.

"What did I do?," I asked furious. I was trying to sound intimidating, but it came out slurred and bloody. I touched my face where he hit me, and there was blood coming from my lip.

His fists were balled at his sides, and he was shaking from self-control. "She's dead. Clary's DEAD," he screamed, angry tears running down his face.

"What? What happened?," I asked. That's why my siblings eyes were red. I should be happy that she is dead, but I don't like seeing Jace like this, my jaw really hurts, I don't feel good about being happy because someone is dead, and my happy-bar-time-with-a-homeless-guy-epiphany says differently.

"We… we went hunting, and… Oh Angel…," he put his hands over his face. Magnus came up behind him and put his arms around his waist-just like he does with me. Magnus kissed Jace's neck. I gasped. Then he smiled at me. The wickedest smile I've ever seen on anyone's face. It's like he wanted me to suffer.

"It's alright baby, keep going," Magnus whispered into Jace's ear, but kept his eyes on me.

"When we got there, it wasn't a Shax demon. It was a nest of Moloch demons. There were so many," he whispered. The tears were really flowing now, and he choked on his next words.

I started to get up, but was knocked back down by the sight of Jace sobbing into Magnus' neck.

"It's alright, baby. Everything is going to be okay, and I even have a surprise for you," Magnus whispered into Jace's hair.

Jace's head came up, and he backed away, holding one of Magnus' hands.

Magnus pulled a box out of his pocket, and went down on one knee.

"No," I whispered to myself, but no one heard me. It was like they didn't even know I was there.

"Now I know you are getting over a huge loss, and that we haven't been together that long, but," he opened up the little black box, and inside there was a single silver band, "I think I love you, and can help you move on, and don't get me started on how good you were in bed last night," Magnus smirked, and Jace blushed. He BLUSHED! "Jace Wayland, will you marry me?," he asked with the most genuine smile on his face.

Jace's face lit up at the question. "Of course, Magnus! By the Angel, I love you," he said, putting out his left hand. Magnus slid the ring onto his finger, and stood up. They kissed, and Izzy squealed.

I felt a tear run down my cheek.

They were kissing and touching each other, and it was killing me. "No," I whispered. They finally broke apart, and Magnus looked at me.

"You weren't looking in a mirror, you were thinking about Jace, as usual. He really is the most beautiful man in the world," Magnus looked back to a beaming Jace. " Oh, and by the way, your things are in your old room," he sneered at me.

I got up and left. I couldn't take it anymore, and I didn't want to hear them discussing wedding plans. I was crying, and my lip was bleeding from where Jace hit me. I got to my old room and fell to my knees once inside. All of my things were in boxes and carelessly stacked in the corner. On the floor in front of them was a picture in a frame. I couldn't see what it was until I got closer. It was a picture of Magnus and me in Times Square on New Year's Eve. I brushed my hand over the picture. We looked so happy. How did it all go wrong so fast? All of a sudden there was blood on the picture. The glass in the frame had shattered and I cut my fingers on it. I couldn't feel the pain that was supposed to come after the cut. I couldn't feel anything except the tears rolling down my face. I was a blubbering, bloody mess.

The man I love most in the world is engaged to my best friend.

I found the dagger that Magnus gave me for my birthday last year in one of the boxes. It was a beautiful knife. It had a ruby encrusted into the hilt, and the blade was jagged. I stood in front of my floor length mirror, and looked at myself. I looked disgusting. My face was red, my clothes were rumpled, I had blood dripping down my face, and to top it all off I was shaking.

"Magnus, I love you so, so much, and I'm so sorry for everything that I've done to you. I love you, and I can't live without you," with those words I shoved the knife into my chest.

Then I woke up screaming bloody murder. I've never screamed like that before. I couldn't stop. I saw Magnus fly through the door with blue sparks already shooting off of his fingertips. He did a quick scan of the room, and when he didn't find anything he ran over to me.

The warlock practically jumped onto the bed. "Alec, shh, it's okay. Baby, what's wrong?," he pleaded. He was stroking my hair and my face, desperately trying to get me to calm down and stop screaming.

I stopped, but started to hyperventilate instead.

"Alec, darling, please tell me what's wrong," he begged, leaning down to look into my eyes.

I started to sob uncontrollably, and flung myself at him. He circled his arms around me. "Oh, Magus, I'm so sorry… I'm so… so sorry… I love you so much… but I've hurt you so badly," I sobbed into his shirt. "I don't love Jace, and I never have. Please, forgive me," I cried into his chest. "Please don't marry Jace, I wouldn't be able to take it," I whispered the last part, remembering what I just did.

"Alec, what the hell are you talking about?," he asked, tilting my chin up. "Marry Jace? I don't understand," he said.

"You mean-" I gasped, "you aren't going to marry Jace?"

"No. Where on Earth did you get that idea?," he asked, smiling at me like he would someone having a nervous breakdown, well I guess I am. I very rarely have them, and he reserves that smile for times like this.

I must look like a reck. I don't smell like whiskey anymore, so he must have put a smell on my breathe. I guess when he finally did come home he found me on the couch, cleaned me up, and put me in bed. He still loves me. If he didn't he wouldn't have done all of this.

I told him everything. I told him about getting drunk, and the sleazy lady, and the homeless man, and Clary dieing, and him proposing to Jace, and what happened after that. He was holding me the entire time, and kissed me on the forehead during the really bad parts to try and calm me down.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry," I whispered.

"It's okay, darling, it was just a drunken nightmare," he said, patting my back. "Alec, I forgive you, and I love you. I would never, ever marry Jace," he kissed me on the lips softly, but with enough force to let me know that he meant his words.

"Thank-you. I love you so much," I shuddered into his chest. "Magnus?"

"Hmm?," he asked.

"Will you marry me?," I looked up at him-I had to look up because I was kneeling on the bed, and he was almost on top of me.

He gasped. I don't think that he was expecting that.

"I know that I don't have a ring, but I'll get you one, and you and Izzy can plan it, and," I paused knowing that I was going to regret saying this, but I had to sweeten the deal, "I'll even let you dress me up for it," I finished.

He frowned. I could see a little bit of pain in his eyes, but it was less than usual. There was something else there too, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

"Come here, baby," he said extending his arms out to me.

I crawled into his lap and put my head on his shoulder.

"Alec, love, I'm very flattered, but," he began, holding me tight to his chest. "I think that you are very tired and a little distraught. I don't think that you will mean that after you have slept for a while," he caressed my cheek with his free hand. "I want you to take a little nap, okay?," he said like he was talking to a five year old.

"No, I mean it. I love you, Magnus, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Please," I begged. I want him so bad. I want him to be mine, and I want to be his. A tear ran down my cheek, and I kissed him with more passion than I have ever put into anything. "Please," I pulled away, "I want to do this more than I've ever wanted to do anything," I whispered. I was completely drained of energy at that point. I looked him in the eyes to see if I could see the answer there. I didn't, but there was something else.

The pain was gone, and that other thing was left. It looked like hope.

"Alright, my little shadowhunter, I'll marry you," he paused seriously, then began to smile, "after you deep-clean the couch," he chuckled.

I started to laugh. I hugged him around the neck. I love him so much.

"Oh and Alec," he pried me off of him, "you don't have to worry, I'm not a fan of blondes," he smiled down at me.

That was the smile I wanted to see every day for the rest of my life.

Thank-you so much for reading. This is my first fic, so I definitely want to know what you think. Please review!