I suggest you listen to Close as Strangers by 5sos for the full experience.
You can blame me if you cry.
It's 3 AM.
It's Saturday.
It's Friday night for her, though.
Fabian paces the perimeter of the room, phone in hand, debating whether to make the call.
He thinks for a moment.
He knows Nina lives on the east coast of the United States, but he isn't so sure of what state. She probably told him sometime in the past, when she lived in Anubis, but Fabian's forgotten.
The east coast and England are five hours apart.
Fabian softly presses the power button on his phone, illuminating the area around him. The clock tells him that it's 3:04 in the morning of March 2nd, 2013.
That means it's 10:04 PM, the previous day, wherever Nina is.
This time, Fabian doesn't have to think. He knows Nina will be awake.
Fabian curls his fingers around the side of his phone. Both Nina and he are awake. A few meters away from him, Eddie snores soundly, tucked comfortably into bed. He's sound asleep. Fabian knows to be quiet, so as he doesn't wake his roommate or any of the other seven.
He can call her.
He can also wait for Nina to call him.
The last time Nina and he talked was January 28th. Their conversation was quick, having been cut short by Nina herself. He wasn't angry when she hung up.
Over one month after Nina ended the conversation prematurely, she hasn't called him back like she said she would.
Fabian can wait a few more weeks, to see if Nina ever remembers to call him. Just thinking about it makes him happy, but he knows he can't take that chance.
He sighs; he lifts his phone in front of his face; he enters his passcode in, 1890; he opens the touchpad and taps the ten digits of Nina's cell phone number, one of the only ones he knows by heart; he lifts the phone to his ear after he presses the green button, and he waits.
It rings.
He waits.
It rings again.
Fabian sits on the edge of his bed, playing with the hem of his shirt.
It rings for the third time.
He wonders if she's asleep.
The fourth ring comes and goes, and Fabian begins to lose hope. She always stays by her phone. Even though he knows it will be better if she doesn't answer at all, knowing that he made the effort to contact her, he's still a bit disappointed.
Fifth ring.
Sixth ring—
"Hello?"
He's so stunned for a moment, he forgets to speak. Nina doesn't repeat herself.
In that moment when Fabian doesn't speak, he relishes in her voice. He remembers how it feels to be next to her: even the air smells sweeter. It's a gentle scent, but it's still there. It makes his heart race. Fabian always wondered if Nina knew how happy he was when he was around her.
Fabian gathers his bearings, exhaling softly. He remembers what time it is. He sees his snoring roommate passed out on the other side of the room.
Nina still hasn't said a word since "hello".
"Nina," Fabian said, his words almost a breath of air. Just saying her name makes him feel funny. "Hey. It's me."
"Hi," Nina responds, her voice breathy as well.
"Hey."
"Hi," she repeats, her quiet laugh speeding Fabian's pulse.
They're both laughing serenely, soothing his worries. Nina is still such an important person to him, to his life. Just her voice can send Fabian's heart racing; her smile, as radiant as the sun, can brighten his gloomiest days; he loves her most ardently, still to this day.
"How are you?" He asks, trying to calm his beating heart.
"Good. You?"
"Good. I'm good."
"That's good."
Fabian laughs again lightly. He doesn't let a heartbeat pass before he speaks again. "Yeah. It's good that I'm good. It's also good that you're good. Um...so, ah, what are you doing?"
"I was just getting ready for bed."
He feels as if his heart's been stung.
"You were?"
"Yeah."
He's sadder than he's ever been, a complete change from how he was feeling simply a few seconds ago. She wasn't wide awake like he'd been expecting. She was getting ready to go to sleep.
"Oh, ah...yeah, I know it's pretty late there." Fabian scratches the back of his neck, trying not to cringe from the pain in his chest.
"It just passed ten, yeah. I'm pretty exhausted. What about you?"
"I'm...I'm not doing anything."
"Oh...really?"
"Yeah, I...there's nothing to do, anyway."
For a moment, Fabian swears he can hear her think.
In the silence, he closes his eyes and tries to remember what Nina looked like when she thought.
It takes him a moment, but he can recall a vague memory, in the back of his mind; almost two years ago, in the Anubis foyer, six people surrounding her; the look in her eyes so dead Fabian's nervous; when Nina thinks, she closes her eyes, and lifts her head towards the sky. Her mouth moves as she forms the words to speak.
He wonders if that's what she's doing now.
"Wait..." she begins, her voice quiet. "Isn't it, like, two in the morning there?"
"Three," Fabian corrects almost immediately.
"Why are you still awake?"
"Oh, um, I couldn't sleep."
"You couldn't?"
He exhales slowly. "No."
"Why couldn't you?"
"Just...stuff."
"What kind of stuff?"
He thinks, Sibuna stuff.
He thinks, School stuff.
He thinks, Stuff I can't tell you about in fear of embarrassing myself.
"Oh, you know," Fabian's voice is flat, "stupid things. Like how Eddie snores so loudly he wakes me up in the middle of the night."
"Is that why you called me?"
"What?"
"Did Eddie's snores wake you up? And then did you call me because you couldn't fall back asleep?"
Something like that. "Sort of," Fabian said quietly, eyes trained on the floor. "It doesn't matter."
"Oh...okay, then."
Fabian closes his eyes gently and breathes out. Nina doesn't speak, and Fabian isn't curious enough to ask why.
It's then, in the silence, that he realizes he doesn't know what to say.
He remembers — once again, a vague and fading memory — the night last school year when Sibuna had to stay up to the wee hours of the night to get the stolen amulets back from Victor. Patricia, Amber, and Alfie succumbed to the exhaustion and fell asleep, but Nina and he talked all night to stay awake.
When he strains his mind to think, he can remember them talking and laughing about Victor in the previous year, when 'he was just a nosy caretaker'; the play, and how Amber dressed up as both a bird and a cactus; and the time when everyone played the game of "Who Takes the Blame for the Key" at the party.
Those times, when Nina was with him and he could actually touch her skin, he always knew what to say. The words flowed out of his mouth.
Now, it's completely different.
"Nina."
"Yeah?"
"I know it's been a long time since we've been separated," he begins, "and we can't talk every single day because of times zones, and school, and other stuff like that...but I still want to know how you are. How you've been. What you've done."
"I could tell you, if you really want to."
"I do."
"My life isn't very exciting, so I don't know why you want to hear about it—"
"Just tell me. I want to know."
"Okay..." Nina takes a deep breath. "Well...what exactly do you want to know?"
"I don't know. Everything."
"That's a lot to elaborate on." Nina's laugh is nervous. "I don't know where to begin."
Fabian doesn't miss a beat. "What about school? How has school been for you?"
"I don't know. I mean, nothing special. I'm doing well in French 3 and failing Physics, which isn't very surprising. I'm also failing AP History...my teacher even asked me to stay after class one day to ask if I needed tutoring or something, with finals coming up and all. It's all just kind of exhausting."
"I get it," Fabian says flatly, even though he doesn't.
"Yeah..." Nina breathes out. "See what I mean when I say my life isn't exciting?"
Fabian argues, "Oh, come on, now. You must have friends in...ah...in America."
He tries to remember which state she lives in, but once again, his mind can't dig up that specific piece of information.
"Yeah, I do."
"What are their names?"
In the brief quiet that follows, Fabian imagines her thinking once again, and he blushes, and he curses himself for blushing. "Rose," Nina begins in a silvery voice. "We all call her Rosie, though. There's also Isabelle, Chloe, Olivia, Kasey, and Patrick."
Until ten seconds ago, Fabian's never heard of those people.
"Oh, okay. That's cool." Fabian says monotonously.
He wants to tell Nina that he misses her. He wants to dispose of that burden of a thought, release a heavy weight from his chest.
But he also doesn't want to admit to that sort of thing when it isn't clear whether Nina returns the feeling.
Fabian can't end the conversation now.
"Do you see them?"
"Huh?"
"Your friends. Do you see them in class a lot?"
"Usually. It depends."
Nina's answers are still very short, very to-the-point. He remembers how she used to ramble on and on to him for hours on end, sometimes.
"On what?" Fabian asks, another attempt to keep the conversation rolling.
"Patrick usually cuts class. Chloe usually follows him. Chloe usually drags Olivia along with her. Isabelle usually follows to make sure they don't do anything irresponsible, like get drunk and drive back to the school."
Fabian wants to laugh. Her friends sound like an interesting bunch.
"—so it's usually just me and Dylan in class together."
"Oh. Really?"
"Yeah, but I don't mind."
"Why not?"
"Dylan's really sweet to me."
Something courses through his veins in that moment.
It's a moment of realization, a sinking feeling in his chest. It's sadness and loneliness and anger and regret and confusion all at once. It's wishing you could take it back, but also wishing you could make it right.
Dylan's really sweet to me.
This memory, despite the others being obscure, was crystal clear in the front of his mind.
It was two years ago, now. Near the end of Sibuna's search for the Cup of Ankh, Amber continually sent him strange looks when he and Nina were together. At first, Fabian had no clue what she was trying to express; he thought he had concealed his huge crush on Nina well.
One day, after Nina and him flirted-without-knowing-they-were-flirting, Amber dragged him upstairs to her room.
Fabian tried to argue or pull away, but Amber's grip on his wrist was too tight for him to escape. Amber shoved him onto her bed, and while he sat he watched Amber scour under Nina's bed for something. Eventually, she pulled a book out of a box.
A locked book. In her hands, Amber held Nina's diary.
He tried to tell Amber that he wouldn't read his best friend's diary, but she ignored him, flipped to an entry dated October 2nd, 2010 and began to read.
Fabian's kind of geek chic. He's really sweet to me.
She skimmed through the pages throughout the year, giving him proof that Nina did, in fact, have feelings for him.
Two years later, Fabian remembers that one specific line.
He's really sweet to me.
It's taken six months and five phone calls for him to realize that everything has changed.
Fabian and Nina aren't the same.
Fabian and Nina can never be the same.
"—Nina."
"Hmm?"
"I..."
Fabian still doesn't know what to say.
"—I was just wondering what you were doing. That's all."
"Oh. I'm still just getting ready for bed."
"Hey, um—"
"Uh huh?"
"So, I was just wondering how your life has been. Wait, scratch that. I've already asked you that."
Fabian breathes in and out deeply, feeling ambivalent. A laugh-like breath quickly escapes from his mouth. He holds his hand behind his neck, hoping Nina will laugh along with him.
She doesn't.
"Yeah, you have."
"Well, then, can I ask you a question?"
"'Course."
It takes Fabian two seconds to do the math in his head. "It's only ten at night where you are, and I can't help but think...You know, never mind. It's stupid."
"It's not stupid."
"You don't even know what I was going to say."
"You're right, I didn't. But I guarantee you it wasn't stupid."
"I don't know if I should say it or not."
"Say it anyway. You couldn't help but think what?"
He inhales a deep breath. "I couldn't help but think of the times you, me, Amber, Patricia, and Alfie would stay up past midnight for Sibuna missions. I remember you telling me that on nights when Sibuna didn't have any business, you had trouble falling asleep after Victor did his pin-drop speech.
"It's ten where you are...um, what state do you live in again?"
"Virginia."
"Oh...for some reason, I thought you lived in Pennsylvania."
"Well, I don't."
She doesn't say anything else.
Fabian continues. "Alright, so, it's ten at night. I just thought, well, I thought that you'd be wide awake."
"Why did you think that?"
"I don't know."
He says it without knowing if he truly means it.
Nina clears her throat. "Well, you're the one who's awake at two in the morning."
"Three," Fabian corrects again, sadly.
"Yeah."
There's a bit of humor to her tone, but Fabian's feelings are too jumbled for him to make sense of what he hears.
He closes his eyes. "Nina..."
"What?"
All he wanted was the familiar, enjoyable feeling of saying her name, but Nina's voice cuts through him like a knife.
"I can't stand not talking to you anymore," Fabian admits, before he can chicken out. "I know it's hard for us, considering the circumstances. I know. But you're my best friend, and I miss you. I really, really miss you. I haven't seen your face in ages."
He hears her breathing through the line, and wonders if she's thinking carefully about her words.
"I know," Nina agrees.
And that's all she says.
Fabian feels like he's about to cry.
The silence continues, along with Fabian's heart rate. It isn't the same kind of rush he used to feel when he and Nina were alone; it's nothing like that. His rate increases out of fear: fear of loss. Throughout their conversation tonight, Fabian can't remember any time Nina babbled on and on like she used to.
Over the course of the night, he's thought about the night when Sibuna had to stay up pulling pranks on Victor to tire him out, the night when he and Nina did nothing but talk while the others slept. He remembers it clearly because of how much he enjoyed talking to her; since they broke up, their conversations had been short and awkward. He remembers that it felt nice to connect with her again, to laugh with her, to listen to her babble.
Nina hasn't babbled to him today.
The thought tires him, almost exhausts him.
"You know, Nina, we haven't talked in over a month," Fabian states matter-of-factly.
"I know," Nina repeats.
"What have you been doing for the past month?"
"Nothing much. Nothing that I haven't already told you."
Fabian doesn't know how many seconds, how many minutes, how many heartbeats pass before Nina says "What about you?"
"Oh, you know. Mr. Sweet says I have a chance of being Valedictorian, so I've worked hard to keep my grades up, which is hard considering all of...all of the stuff going on."
"Mm hmm."
Six months ago, Nina and him were best friends. Six months ago, Fabian thought he could turn to Nina with any of his problems or concerns. Six months ago, Nina would have encouraged Fabian to continue talking, always eager to hear more. Six months ago, she wouldn't have sent Fabian's emotions reeling.
Six months ago, Fabian knew Nina like the back of his hand. He knew how she was going to wear her hair in the morning, what she'd smell like, what makeup she'd use. It was the consistencies, laid along the unknown, that made Fabian fall in love with her. She was never the same the next morning, but some parts of her never changed. It was easy to love her.
But it wasn't six months ago.
"Can I ask a question, Nina?"
"Sure."
"Do you ever think of..."
He pauses, unsure of whether he should voice his thoughts or not.
He thinks, Fuck it.
"Do you ever think of Sibuna? Like, do you ever sit back and think of the good times we had together with the others?"
Nina also pauses, but Fabian can't get inside her head. He doesn't know what she's thinking.
"Yeah. I do. Sometimes."
Fabian wishes he could rewind. He wishes he could simply press a button to go back to time, to just minutes ago, when he felt like he was walking on air merely from hearing Nina's voice. He thought they could have a nice, long chat, talking about themselves and their lives.
He never would have thought that he'd end up feeling like with every passing minute, he's losing her, like she's disappearing into a thick fog, and Fabian can't see a thing.
"How's your Gran been doing?"
"She's okay."
He remembers how he felt that time when Nina caught him glancing at her from where he sat at the supper table: he felt like she knew he had thought about her, and thinking about how she felt.
She's pretty, He thought, and I'd bet everything that her eyes are even more beautiful.
They were.
"So...are you still getting ready for bed, or?"
"Yep."
Nina was his compass.
Fabian never had many friends. Sure, he had Patricia and Joy to talk to, but those two were closer to each other than they ever were to him. Even when he learned that Joy had had a crush on him, it was hard to swallow. A person? Having a crush on him?
He'd had trouble with his self-esteem almost all his life. When he met Nina, those problems didn't magically disappear.
But every time he thinks badly of himself, he thinks of the time, two years ago, when Fabian told Nina that if something happened and he had to be Sibuna's leader, he didn't think he'd be able to handle that. After Nina slapped his shoulder and told him he was stupid for worrying about losing her, she told Fabian that if she was sure of only one thing in the world, it would be that Fabian would be the best damn leader Sibuna ever had.
Nina was his compass.
She was his compass; guiding him through the most stormy of nights. She was the light on the horizon, reminding him that no matter how far he traveled or how difficult the journey was, the sun would always rise the next morning to bring sunlight and life down to the earth once more.
He can't handle it anymore.
"Nina, are we just wasting time?"
"I don't know. Maybe we are."
"I really think we are."
"...Then maybe you should go."
"Yeah. Maybe I should."
There were no more words needed.
Fabian breathed in, and breathed out. If he listened closely, he could hear Nina quietly breathing too on the other end of the line.
His arm went slack, phone in hand.
He stared at the screen.
7:53.
7:54.
7:55.
Nina and he hadn't even talked for eight minutes before the numbers disappeared, replaced with the words "call ended".
Their conversation's over.
It's 3:11 AM.
It's 10:11 PM in Virginia.
She's tired.
Fabian isn't at all.
He can't call her back now. She's probably asleep.
He doesn't want to wait until April 4th to call her again, though. He also doesn't want to be the one who, again, has to call her.
He's sick of making the first move. It's Nina's turn.
It's 3:11 AM on March 2nd, 2013.
It's been six months since Nina's been away, since she left him.
Fabian knows now that everything about them has changed. Nina's not here to guide him, to make the air smell sweeter, to make his heart race, to be his friend.
Tomorrow, March 3rd, he can call her if he really wants to. He can speak to his first love again...but what would he have to gain? Today was the first time they've spoken in over a month, and small talk was basically all they made. It was almost as if Nina didn't remember the times when Fabian was too afraid to kiss her, so Nina made the first move; or the times when Nina wasn't strong enough to face the opposition, so she turned to Fabian for comfort and support; or, prom night, June 15th 2011, when Nina told Fabian she loved him down in the cellar.
They weren't the same. They were as close as strangers.
He realizes that he's able to call her again tomorrow, to make up, to see where they stand.
He doesn't smile at the thought, though.
Fabian can talk to her again tomorrow. He can try to call tomorrow, to check up on her...to come back to her.
He probably won't.
He doesn't feel like talking to a stranger.