Continue to Repeat Yourself
by: iloveatem
Plankton: I don't understand this. I'm feeling all tingly inside… Should we stop?
Spongebob: No! that's how you're supposed to feel!
Plankton: Well I like it! Let's do it again!
Spongebob: Okay!
-:- -:- -:- -:- -:-
I am Seto Kaiba. That should be enough of an introduction for you (of course you know who I am, there was never a question). Let me get one thing straight. And I will not repeat myself. People only repeat themselves when they have doubts about what they are saying. I, however, am very steadfast in my words.
I don't fall in love.
I'm not in love.
However, it's true. I did grow attached to something. Not emotionally attached. I don't have emotions.
Let's forgo that I love Mokuba with every fiber of my being for a second. No, I'm not suggesting we forget Mokuba. Just stop trying to use him as an excuse to say I have emotions. I don't.
Well…fine, he is a special case. But we already knew that.
Aside from the special case -that being, Mokuba- I have no emotions. Who needs them? They're useless and do nothing more than to weigh a person down and distract them from their goals. They're weak.
But I am a very habitual person. I don't enjoy change or fluctuation from the norm. I am not a fan of the unexpected, and I'll strangle you if you try to surprise me. I'm dead serious.
Which inevitably would lead to me becoming attached to things. Despite my brilliance, I didn't foresee this.
However, because of my brilliance, I was able to, just recently, realize this. I've also noticed that, unless I want to go through a useless and rather irritating series of events, I will not be able to break from my attachment. For once, I will let things stay as they are, even if it may not be the proper path to take. Attachment, while a nuisance sometimes, can be rather enjoyable, as too little of my life is. And I'm not in denial about it.
What I offer you is an explanation, not a confession.
Yes, I've grown attached to Jounouchi Katsuya.
It was rather a shock to realize this. And no amount of bashing my head on the wall would change it. But attachment is comfortable. Attachment is routine.
I clash with him.
He clashes with me.
I do not wish to change that. But hate would be too strong a word now. Yes, it was hate in the beginning, for him at least. He wasn't worth such a strong thing from me. But we know each other too well now to label it as such. It's more of a front than anything.
But labeling it as 'love' is completely inaccurate. You're a fool if you think that.
I considered it being fondness for a while, but that would be incorrect as well. It's more along the lines of tolerance, but that doesn't quite fit either.
Of what I do know, it's part expectance. We expect the other to always be there, always offer comfort in the form of the fight. Nothing relieves stress like mocking someone inferior to me. And I'm sure he isn't quite as against it as he puts on, though I would never attempt to analyze him to try and figure it out.
He's just always there. And that's just the way it should be. Were he to leave, I would have no choice but to go and drag him back, be it against his will or not.
Not because I love him. No, not that, how many times must I tell you.
I just can't function without him. Is that strange for a man like me? I suppose I am dependent. Is this what drug addicts feel like, I wonder. Would he be considered my heroine, or crank, or whatever the hell it is the teenagers are smoking these days?
I can't help but imagine his reaction to this.
"Bonkotsu, you are my crank." That would be very amusing. But I cannot say that. That would be against the norm. That would be out of character. That would be different, and I can't have that. It's fragile enough as it is, our little connection, if it can be called that. Besides my own complete awareness of my attachment, I'm sure the zako noticed something as well. And that in itself is a dangerous change. We can't have any more of that. I won't allow him to screw up what I've worked so hard to create. He has no right to tinker with what I've grown accustomed to.
Does he realized he's trapped within our -for lack of a better term- relationship? Probably not, he was never very bright. Stupid dog. You can't even comprehend how deep this goes.
I'm not going to let him go. He going to have to accept that when the time comes. I don't want to admit it, but I refuse to be in denial. I need him.
But I don't love him.
No, never that.
He is just necessary. That is all. Love is unnecessary. Love has nothing to do with it. Absolutely nothing.
However, I wouldn't expect him to be able to tell the difference between attachment and love. He's far too dimwitted for that. And, despite my superior intellect, I can only control his actions so much. It would not be my fault if he should act on impulse, and on false thoughts of things like love. He does not control his emotions well, or at all. If he should do something to express his feelings to me, as he so often does to the people around him, I can not be to blame. Obviously, there would be little I could do to stop him, he is very extemporaneous.
And should he do such a thing, who am I to contradict him? As I said, our relationship is fragile, and I will not allow it to be tampered with. Who am I to reject him when that very action could cause our interrelation to crumble, the very thing I've worked so hard to prevent? It would be positively foolish of me to do such a thing.
And if Jounouchi should perceive this as something of a personal relationship, be it romantic, physical, or otherwise, it would not be my place, nor wise, to correct him.
And so now you see my logic. It is flawless, as always. But people continue to get the wrong idea.
I don't love him. Love is a foolish thing I cannot be subjected to.
It just can't happen.
Seto Kaiba doesn't fall in love. I merely do what is necessary to maintain the important things in my life.
And so you see, this can't be love.
It just can't be…
A/N: Tee hee. Just keep telling yourself that, Kaiba. Kaiba has always been a logical man. I always wondered how he would go about making it alright in his head to have a relationship with Jounouchi. Obviously, he wouldn't just dive in saying "I'm totally in love! Hot damn!". No, he'd need to go so far in his explaination that he could accept what it was he was doing as being completely in character, and so he had nothing to fear from those silly human emotions! Silly Kaiba! Everyone falls in love! It's nothing to be ashamed of! Ahaah!
Note: Bonkotsu (mediocre) and Zako (small fry) are both things Kaiba calls Jounouchi-kun.
Please leave a review. I would much appreciate it. I did write this, after all, and you did read it, didn't you? Tell me what you think.