If Scars Could Fade

part 1 of 2

If scars could fade I would watch them ripple in the water like lime dripping from a cave. But scars remain with us forever, and I am often reminded of that as I sit here thinking, simply watching the raindrops on the lake. Seeing Rin so carefree reminds me of days I wish I had; of days He spent with Inu Yasha; of days He spent away from me; of days of innocence lost. I am grateful that she will never be treated the way I was. No one deserves that – though I suppose some would say my brother doesn't deserve what I put him through. It makes me laugh, though they would never see such a trivial thing from me. Emotions are weak, and I care not for showing my adversaries my weaknesses.

I care not for what Inu Yasha thinks of me. Should I? I truly do not care if that makes me a good brother or not – he is a disgrace to the bloodline. So I like to say. He is quite the formidable opponent, though he never will rival me should I truly put my effort into it. And I do not wish it. I simply don't want any more to do with the half breed. Why can't he understand that? He has been the cause of all of my pain. All of my life. Since before he was even born, I could not escape him... My father had started to develop a tendency of flirting, and eventually to bed humans when I was three. I suppose I should be thankful nothing came of it sooner.

But then there was him. The little brat that ruined it more than it already was. He didn't even have to be there yet – his mother simply flirting... that stage was more than bad enough on me. It makes my body shiver just remembering, and yet he still thinks it's all acceptable. My anger isn't against him personally, true, but then again, it is. Ah, if only you hadn't been a hanyou, Inu Yasha... perhaps things would have been better... But then, I suppose I should thank you as well. If you hadn't been born to a human woman, Chichiue-sama might not have left to protect her after having fought that damned dragon... and so might have possibly recovered from his wounds. Had that have been the case, I would have killed him myself, stricken or not, honorable or not.

A man like that did not deserve to live, no matter what everyone else saw. I knew the real one, and he was not an honorable man underneath his armor. No matter what you think of me, Inu Yasha, at least I have honor and morals – even if you do not understand a class that is not your own. If I leave your life to you, Inu Yasha... then leave me in peace to think about my own. But do always remember this: You should never question your superiors. Not only are they of a higher status and rank than you, but they are stronger than you. It's simple words of the wise. Do try and take heed of something I tell you for once, little brother – it could actually do you a great deal of good when you deal with me or anyone as civilized as I, to say the least. But whatever suits you best; I will leave you to your young, brash ways. I sincerely do not care. I just want to be left alone. In peace.

Because you truly do remind me so much of Him. It aches inside. It makes me angry... so angry. But you know, dear brother, it also makes me want to break down like a small child and beg for the loving, nurturing attention that I never received. But that is something I will never stoop to. I would kill you by my own hand before I ever did such a thing. Lords do not beg for attention of any kind. Though I do everything in my power to forget, my past is everywhere around me. He never leaves me alone in my thoughts and a breakdown is sure to be in the not too distant future. If I had any emotions left on any surface level, I would sigh, but I do not. I was broken of those many long years ago. I don't know if I should be thankful or outraged anymore, though I suppose it matters not.

It makes me lapse in my thoughts - the steady beating of the raindrops on the water. So much like his heart beat. Or the dripping of his blood upon the freshly falling snow that night. Truly, I would have liked to been there when he was slain; his shallow greatness pierced by that mortal man. I would have liked to seen it myself and with my own eyes. And I actually shiver from the "cold" - so Rin thinks - as I fall yet deeper still into the repose of my memories that are best when left forgotten.

I remember everything I wish I did not; everything I so loathe him for. This, dear brother, is how it started, though you would remember it not.

"Are you going, Father?"

"Are you going to stop me, Sesshoumaru?"

"I'm not going to stop you. However, before that, I want the fangs, Sou'unga and Tessaiga, to be handed over to me."

"If I say I won't give them to you... Would you kill your own father?"

There is silence; he does not speak, I do not answer.

"Do you desire power that much? Why do you seek power?"

"I must travel the path of conquest... Power is necessary to walk that path."

" 'Conquest' huh? Sesshoumaru, is there something you want to protect?"

"Something to protect" I paused yet again " I have no need... to pursue such an endeavor."

All I could do was stare as he transformed, leaving me after that. Not even an answer. That was my answer in itself.

So then, little hanyou, you were left with the one thing I was seeking, and the other.. The other was given to neither of us.

Now none of it matters. I would have killed him for the swords, yes – but I would have killed him anyhow. Not many realize that it wasn't because of power that I would have done this, but to protect myself. It was all to protect myself... And that actually makes me laugh softly to myself. I don't even care that it scares Jaken, though it does make Rin smile.

"...I have walked the path of conquest, father... and all for what? To protect myself from another freak like you... and in the process work to surpass your acclaimed abilities in battle..." It is merely a mumble. Rin knows I am saying something, but does neither understand nor care. She's too happy running around in circles around the fire.

Jaken is staring at me. I know this simply by the feel of his eyes on me. I do not care any more. I truly do not care any longer... And in this instant, a smile reminiscent one I gave to my old Sensei faintly traces my lips and tear after soft, warm, gentle tear begin to fall from my eyes.

Rin abruptly stops her frolicking, sitting down to stare at me in wonder. It is a mix between awe at the display of emotion, and fear for me because of the emotions I am displaying so suddenly.

Jaken only backs away, his shock is so great. To his dismay he backs right into my brother – neither of us smelled him or his entourage coming as it was raining quite heavily, and still is – and starts to sob, pointing at me.

I lazily let my eyes look up at Jaken's sobbing. My brother is looking for shelter from the rain, no doubt.. Let them in, Jaken. I'm sure he sees it through the dullness in my eyes. I look back down, tears still falling rather unlord-like from my eyes, but I really don't care anymore. Inu Yasha, no doubt heard everything I just confessed. I don't care even about that. He may as well know his past.. and mine, so intertwined they are.

And now I can feel his eyes on me. Oh, Inu Yasha... why can you not just go away? It is because of you my past troubles me so. And as this thought occurs to me, I laugh softly at it. Your group stare at me like I have gone mad, but you... You just look at me with more concern than ever. Why little brother? Why do you even care? Why do you even care what he did? ...Please do not ask... I know you are going to. And that knowledge abruptly makes me stop laughing. It makes me curl up close to myself, hugging my knees tightly. And it actually makes me cry. Why, little brother, does your concern make me cry? I bury my head in my knees, turning my head away from you.

This just makes them think they've got proof of their theory that I've gone mad, doesn't it little brother? I hate how you know me better even though you don't know me at all. And that makes me sob, if even only softly. Then I feel your warm arms encircling me. Why, little brother? All my life my family has rejected me... Why do you care now? It just makes me cry, and I know you can see this, feel this, Inu Yasha... And still I am drawn to just cry in your warm, protecting, cradling, loving... arms. But will you hate me again tomorrow, little brother? Everyone else did. But at this point... I seriously don't care. My life will always have meaning as long as I have Rin to take care of, as much as I am sometimes hard pressed to admit that fact. She is like my adoptive daughter, and I will never let her face the things that life has dealt me.

He softly strokes my hair, trying to get me to relax a little more in his embrace before he speaks. It is actually working wonders on my way too tense body – until he accidentally brushes the tip of my ear. My entire body goes rigid from the little touch, not from any pleasure I would or could gain, but from fear. He has so much control over me right now; he could easily snap my neck or puncture my main artery with his claws with my head as it is in his lap, his miko could very well take advantage of my state should she see fit or wish it, same for the taijiya and the houshi, not to mention if they all worked together. But what really bothered me at the feel of the touch was a particular memory of my father. I know it has nothing to do with Inu Yasha..and it is not his fault... but it has become my body's natural reaction.

The miko as well as the taijiya are confused by my reaction, though I do not know why the miko is confused – she did not know a thing about youkai last time I encountered her. But I take no heed of them. Inu Yasha is all that matters.

"Sesshou?" His soft voice, the questioning tone there... It makes me immediately ashamed of myself.

"Gomen nasai... little brother..." I whisper as I try to relax again, though it is obvious how much the simple touch, though an accident, should have gotten a different response out of me. A much different response. Even my brother knows that. And I try so hard to repress my memories yet again, though the tears start to fall again, so hot against my brother's clothed stomach.

I cannot help but feel as though I did something wrong, though I know I did not. And this feeling makes me cry harder into Inu Yasha's stomach, though only the tears are there, not the sound. It has been eating my soul alive, little one. Since that first night so long ago. And so long ago... You were but a dream of father's... That is the only reason I ever truly hated you...because he never did love me for any reason at all...

"Sesshou..." I can hear the sadness in your voice – it's probably mirrored in those expressive eyes of yours little brother. "Sesshou, you have nothing to apologize for."

I merely look up at him with tearstained eyes, the warm drops still welling and spilling over, running down my cheeks, making me flinch slightly every time they run over my stripes. He gently cups my chin, and kisses my forehead softly – just below my crescent moon, careful not to disturb any markings. I.. I... don't think anyone has ever been considerate of me before... of their own free will...

Most people would think I will lash out at him for such an outrageous act... But most people don't know my past. Both statements include his entourage. He knew something was wrong on instinct...and by every single vibe coming off of me. He sought to make it better. And just for that... it makes him better than all the rest. If only for today. So I nuzzle my face into his stomach and hug him close, for not doing the one thing father always did – taking advantage of me. And I think he understands, because I feel the soft, warm feel of his hands on my shoulders trying to relax me again.

"Sesshou... I'm sorry for before. I will do my best to not do it again. And if you are willing to tell me, I am willing to listen to anything you say."

I nod my head softly. I know he can feel it – that is what matters. He will hear everything. That is my decision... though I do not know how to begin to tell him, or when I will find the courage to start my tale. I do not care if the others hear – I almost welcome it. I only protest the thought of Rin hearing such vulgar and vile acts... and I know my brother can sense my hesitancy. He learns my reasoning when I look over to see Rin sitting huddled and cold by the fire, still watching me curiously, if not a bit sleepily.

She rubs her eyes in a sleepy manner if just to prove my point before softly asking, "Sesshoumaru-sama?" I know she is worried in her own way about her adoptive parent. It makes me want to smile despite the circumstances. But she does deserve some sort of explanation, in my eyes.

"I will be alright, Rin. But it is time for you to sleep. Perhaps the miko will let you stay by her for the night to keep warm if you ask politely?" Everyone here knows that Rin has taken a liking to the miko that travels with Inu Yasha, and at the moment, it will be useful and something she would deem a step in the right direction. I don't care about anything save Rin, and perhaps one day they will realize that that is why I smile softly as her eyes light up at the notion and the thought of my safety.

She stands up and cautiously walks over to the miko. "Uh.. Kagome-sama.. Can I sleep by you tonight?" She seems nervous yet determined. She is always nervous around humans, but she is determined because she likes the miko, probably as something of a mother figure.

The miko smiles brightly at her. "Of course, Rin-chan!" Why is she always so dramatic? I wish I can sigh, but it would ruin what I just initiated, and what good would that do?

With that, Rin bounces over to me, hugging my neck happily as any child does to her parent, just like she does every night. "Good night, Sesshoumaru-sama!"

"Good night, Rin."

Then she is off just as happily and in the miko's lap, drifting into an easy and carefree sleep. Do sleep well, my daughter, and dream of happy things... Do not let us trouble you or your thoughts, little one, that I beg of you.

"You care for her more than you'd really like to let on.. Don't you, Sesshou?" It is a quiet, subdued question. I think he is just noticing this, and truly adding up everything properly in his head for the first time – as is everyone else.

"Hai... little brother..." It really is all I need to say. By now they've figured everything out, and at this point, I'm sure... that's probably fine too.

"Sesshoumaru?" Again, little brother.. your voice is so soft. It almost sounds pleading. What is it that you want so badly from me? What is it you are desperate for? ... "Sesshoumaru.. please.." Your voice sounds pained... "Please... tell me... I don't know how to help, but I don't care... I need to do this for you... What did he do to you, Nii-san?"

Your voice... Inu Yasha... You actually... called me nii-san... of your own free will... in a respectful manner... It actually makes me want to cry again. And hold closer to you.

I do these things.. but not for those reasons. Not at all. I wish I am I crying because of something happy and you, Inu Yasha... and holding closer to you for the same reason, but I am not. And I know you know by the silent shudder of my body, the slight shiver that passes through my spine.

"He... he used to rape me..." I whisper it softly, my head safely hid in my brother's lap. The tears again decide to fall from my eyes, apparently no longer needing the refuge and safety they once had as they trail down my cheeks to be soaked into my brother's fire rat haori. I can feel Inu Yasha stiffen, but I do not know if that is good or bad. I am about to move away because of his lack of other response when he holds me closer.

"He... stopped ...when he died... shortly after you were born. But I never get a moment's peace from him, little brother..." My body is shaking slightly, not only from the quiet sobbing, but from the stress of finally losing it, after all these years. "I can always feel him there, just beyond my skin's touch, tormenting me..." I sob again at one of the many memories I have to choose from. "Sometimes... I can feel his hands all over me again... Just like my first heat..." I hold closer still to my half brother, dazed, shivering, crying, and only speaking of these ghost hands because I can feel them on me right now. "Please... make him stop..." I can feel the soft rush of air as the phantom hands run over my skin, and apparently so does everyone else because I can see the soft dust cloud it makes in the dirt – or is that just my eyes as well?

He holds me close, protecting me – I can feel it. "I've got you, Sesshou, and no one can get you here, you got that? No ghost, no memories, no nothing. It's just you, and me, and the fire. Okay?"

I nod softly. It feels strange to be cared for.. to have someone actually care about me and my well-being – someone who isn't a ten year old human girl, mind you. I just want to stay here for a while, untouched by my nightmares, or even my dreams, because all dreams are nightmares when refracted in the darker shades of light.

"When... did he..?" You have not the heart to finish your question, do you, little brother?

"Start?" I ask it softly for you and I feel you nod ever so gently in response. "When I was eleven..." It confuses me to feel him bristle with anger. "You were born shortly before my twenty-forth year... I think you can do the math, little brother..." I know you are smarter than you let on. Much smarter. Even if you will never let the miko, taijiya, monk, or even that little kit that follows you find this out. It is one of the only reasons you have survived this long without protection aside from just brute strength.

I look up when I feel the strange, soft feeling of something warm yet wet gently hit my temple, then cheek... Inu Yasha..? ... Please do not cry for me ... "Please... do not cry, little brother..." I look back down and to the side, ashamed. "I am not worthy of tears..."

I know this is true. It has always been. It has been practically beaten into me... but he sharply yet gently grabs my jaw, making sure I look him in the eye as he speaks. "You are worth every tear, Sesshoumaru. You are as precious and valuable as every single one..." He slowly, softly lets go of my jaw after he has made sure I understand. "Now, for once in your long life.. please... sleep without regrets or fears or dreams, Nii-san... because that is something you deserve as well..."

I do not have any answer to that. I don't think I ever will. But for now I am content to stay in his warm, comforting, and protecting arms as it is the only place I have ever felt anything in my entire life. Perhaps I will get some sleep tonight... but it matters not. I am merely content to stay here, at least for one night, if one night is all I will have with the only family to ever care... the only person to ever care. I don't even care how our relationship is in the morning as long as I am here right now. I cannot help but drift to sleep in such a safe secure place... I have never been in one before, and it makes me feel safe, and for once in my life, wanted. My eyes delicately slide closed, and I finally give in to the sweet surrender of sleep and my brother's calming touch. For tonight I gave up who I used to be and became who I always was, simply me...