Anamnesis
By Jaye Reid
Commenced: 01.06.2000
Completed: 02.06.2000
Disclaimer: The Water Rats toys are not mine. I just borrow them for a little while and then return them to their rightful owners at Southern Star. The lyrics used in this story are "Crash and Burn" by Savage Garden who I have no affiliation with either.
Authors notes: Inspired by the Savage Garden song "Crash and Burn" The lyrics can be found spattered within this little piece. Those guys are seriously talented. The first time I heard the song, I knew it would fit so well into a story.
Now I know some of you are aware of my personal opinions and will wonder 'what the…?' about me writing this one. But versatility is the name of the game in the wide world of writing, so here is my latest offering.
Dedication: To the RatPak for their support and craziness! 19 sleeps (oh only 18 now) and counting!!
~*~*~*~
It was late in the evening when Alex returned her coffee cup to the meals room. She had stayed back to finish some paperwork, long after both her colleagues had called it a day. Or so she thought. She noticed movement out on the balcony and ducked her head around the doorway to see who was crazy enough to still be there at such a late hour.
"Jack?" she asked into the darkness, focusing on a shadow, but one that was unmistakably that of her senior colleague. "What are you still doing here?"
He glanced around in her direction briefly. He was reclining back in a chair, feet stretched upward resting on the balcony railing. The light from the room outlining her form. If he squinted he thought, half closed his eyes, had a few more drinks perhaps, then maybe she might, just might – vaguely… nah nothing like her he decided. He went back to gazing out over the water and continued drinking.
Alex wondered if he heard her and repeated the question as she took a few steps closer.
"Reminiscing… reliving… celebrating a bit – maybe – I suppose," he finally replied.
"Want any company?" she queried.
Jack shrugged, not giving her any clear indication of what he wanted. Alex, while not sure what she was really doing, processed the noncommittal response and decided that if he had really wanted to be alone, he would have told her as much.
She grabbed one of the other chairs and dragged it over beside Jack's. Balancing on one leg at a time, Alex removed her shoes and dropped them down beside the chair; before sitting down and also putting her feet up on the rail. Not quite as high as Jack's, her skirt was too short to stay decent if she sat as he did.
"Got anymore to drink in the bag?" she asked casually.
Without breaking his gaze from the water, Jack reached down and took another UDL can from the bag.
"I've only got Scotch and coke," he replied handing it over.
"Nah, this is fine," she replied as she cracked open the can. It frothed up and spilt over the top. She shook the hand that had coped most of the spillage to one side as she sipped the liquid that had collected around the top of the can. "What ya celebrating anyway?"
"I've been here one year today," he replied without any emotion in his voice.
"Gees, a year? And you're not out partying with the others down at the Cutter?" she asked surprised. Like the rest of them, Jack seemed to get into the social scene, this being a perfect opportunity to do so. But Alex sensed that there was more to this story than there seemed on the surface.
"Nah… just felt like sitting here," he replied.
When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore.
"Hmm…" replied Alex looking out over the water. After seven months she still didn't feel like she knew him very well. If the conversation wasn't about work, she wasn't sure what they could really talk about. "Ah well, I guess this is a bit quieter than what you did a year ago. Getting the Sergeants job here, I guess you all went out and got stuck into it?"
"Nup."
Alex wasn't really sure that staying was a good idea now. The minimal conversation from Jack was making things difficult. Maybe she would have been better just leaving him to it and going home.
"Look Jack, I think I might get going you know. I…" She wasn't sure what to say and found herself stumbling over her words.
Jack turned and looked at her. He seemed to have broken out of his daydream.
"No, stay… sorry. Really Alex… it isn't you it's…" Jack stopped, broke into smile and then an uncontrollable laugh.
Alex sat there, wondering what on earth was going on. Did a low flying seagull leave a deposit on her that she didn't know about? Was there something on her face? What on earth had Jack found so damn funny all of a sudden. She shook head, gave him a confused smile, and hoped she could figure out what was going on.
Jack's laughter began to subside. He wiped a couple of tears from his eyes, he had been laughing so hard.
"Umm Jack, what the…"
"Oh sorry… sorry there Alex, it was just… well," he tried to tell her. He took a deep breath and tried to speak. "I suppose it's good I can laugh about it, better than the alternative."
"Ah Jack?"
"Reminiscing. This time last year… ahh… we'd solved this case. Rach. was out here. She was sitting right about here. I was tryin' to talk to her. She wasn't too interested in listening I might add."
Jack smiled, in his mind her could still picture her there that day. If he closed his eyes he could see so many images of her.
"So did you make her listen?" queried Alex.
Jack gave a chuckle and looked at Alex.
"No one made Rachel Goldstein do *anything* that she didn't want to do. Nah, I decided to give up and that is when she said '…Jack it's not…'
"Not you?" queried Alex.
"Yeah pretty much," he replied. "She was missing Frank I suppose. Me and Frank, very different styles," he stated and took another couple of mouthfuls from his can.
Alex looked at Jack thoughtfully and then out across the lights of the city. "I guess we all have our different styles," she offered.
Jack gave a snort, "Yeah, you and her are definitely different."
"Tell me about her Jack?" asked Alex.
"You don't really want to…"
"Yes I do," interrupted Alex. "I've been working around here and it's like a jigsaw with this huge part of the picture missing for me. I know it was there and I know some people here have seen the picture complete, but I haven't. Put a few more of the pieces back for me Jack."
"Look I don't…" he started before Alex interrupted him again.
"It might make you feel better," she added.
Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone
"I haven't really… I guess I haven't talked about her that much to anyone. Helen maybe, but that's about it," he replied.
"Well?"
He sighed and took another mouthful.
"I'm a good listener. Well so my 5th grade teacher used to tell me," she offered.
"5th Grade eh?" commented Jack. "Can't really picture you as a 5th grader."
"Oh yeah… gorgeous I was. Crooked teeth, thank God they got straightened later on, stringy long hair that used to get tied back in pig-tails."
"Bet you were the teachers pet," Jack teased.
"Noooo… I wasn't teachers pet," she retaliated with a smile.
"Bet ya were.. come on tell," he laughed.
"Well, maybe a little bit. But the other kids used to do the major suck job. Not my style," she replied.
"Oh right," he laughed.
"Jack?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you going to tell me about Rachel or not?" she asked.
"She was the most… she was an amazing woman," said Jack, finishing the can and crushing it in his hands.
"I gather she'd been here awhile? Before you came here I mean?"
"Yeah, her and Frank. They had been partners for years. Good team they were. He left just over a year ago. I was meant to be their boss, but Frank jumped ship. Sailed off into the sunset and left her behind. I think at the time she seriously considered going. Now in some ways I wish she had gone you know. She'd still be alive at least. Frank was going to come back, eventually. But now… now that she is gone, I guess he figured he didn't have anything to come back for. Jeff mentioned he received Frank's official resignation a month or so ago."
"So they were…"
"Nah… just good mates," replied Jack, sensing what Alex was suggesting. "Really good mates."
"And you and Rachel?" asked Alex. She was reasonably sure she already knew the answer, but since the subject was laid out infront of them, she figured he would clam up if she was getting a bit too close with the questions.
"She was…" he stopped and thought for a second. "She was *everything* to me. We shouldn't have got so close, but it happened. It was just one of those things. But we did our job, we kept work at work and well... everything else away from work."
"And you still miss her a lot… don't you?" stated Alex.
"Yeah. Perhaps not as much here. We're too busy and well the three of us get along okay now. Once in awhile something will remind me. A particular case, a word. But it is mainly at home, at night, when it's quiet. When I open a new bottle of red and remember…"
When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face the day
"It's a matter of making sure the good memories out weigh the bad though," offered Alex with a sigh.
Jack looked at her and studied her face for a few seconds. "Not wrong there," he replied.
"And do they?"
"Do they? Good out weigh the bad? Well… I make sure they do I guess. I try to block out the night she died. It's always there, hovering somewhere in the darkness. But I can close my eyes I guess and it isn't the first memory that comes back to me anymore," he replied.
"And what is?" continued Alex.
"Humph… what are you?" he grinned.
"Ah yeah… sorry. Bit personal eh?" replied Alex taking the last mouthful of her drink.
"Nah actually… the first thing I remember now – when I think of her – is her smile. She had this… this most amazing smile. It's would light up a room," he replied wistfully. "She was just… just…"
"Everything?" smiled Alex.
"Yeah… everything. But she's gone. No matter how much I wish her back, she wont be coming back."
"But you've got some good things there Jack. Focus on the good. No one can take away how you feel about her. You know, no one can take that away from you. Your memories are special," replied Alex sympathetically.
Jack just nodded and looked out over the night skyline. Lights sparkled like jewels on the water. From this distance Sydney looked so peaceful. But they both knew better.
"Told you I was a good listener," smiled Alex.
Because there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breathe again
When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart
"Yeah you did. I didn't mean to dump all of that on you. You didn't need it," said Jack sitting up.
"Hey I asked didn't I? If I didn't want to know, I wouldn't have asked. I just want you to know that… well… if you ever need a good listener I'm here – okay?" she replied patting her hand on his shoulder.
"Thanks, I appreciate it. Really. I reckon you two, you and Rachel, would have got along eventually," said Jack.
"Eventually?" queried Alex with a smile.
"Yeah. Couple of spats, a few differing ideologies but in the end you two would have been ganging up on me," he laughed.
"Nah Mick. We would have ganged up on Mick," she snickered back.
"You leave Mick alone… he's okay. He can't help the way he is."
"Oh and you *can* I suppose?" she asked.
"Ahhh… no. Not now. Getting too old to change," Jack replied.
"You think so? I don't know, you look like a reasonable specimen still," she laughed.
"I'll take that as a complement I think," he replied.
"Good. It was meant as one," she smiled.
"What are you doing now?" Jack asked with some thought.
"What now? I'm sittin' here talking to you? How many you had to drink tonight there Jack?" Alex replied.
"Not nearly enough. Nah I mean, I haven't eaten. Have you?" he questioned.
Alex shook her head and held her wrist up in the light to try and read the time on her watch. "Hey it's late, I guess I am hungry now that you mention it."
"Well come on, I'll shout you dinner," replied Jack standing up.
Alex looked up at him, "You shout *me* dinner?"
"Yeah what? You too embarrassed to be seen out with me?" he questioned, almost daring her to agree with his comment.
"No. It's just… so the 'Cutter'?" she replied also standing and brushing down her skirt.
"Nah… dinner. Maybe not *your* usual fancy shmancy places, but somewhere decent. Not that there's anything wrong with the bar, but I feel like a change."
Alex smiled. "Yeah, okay. You're on. Let's go."
"So… what do you feel like eating then," asked Jack as they walked back inside.
"I dunno, what do you want?" she replied putting her arm across his shoulder.
"Italian?" queried Jack.
"Nah… how about Indian?" she replied.
"Indian? What do you want to do, kill me with a hot curry or something," he laughed.
"Think it would take a bit more than a decent curry to take you out Jack," she chuckled.
"Yeah, too bloody right, I've got a lot of living to do still," Jack replied.
Alex smiled, "Glad to hear it Jack, really glad to hear it."
Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone
The End.