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Angsty nonsense+drabbly goodness. Phil struggles through another sleepless night..
Guilt is a horrid emotion. It tugs at your soul, grating and absorbing your every thought. Soon it overwhelms you, dissolving your last shred of rationality and consumes your joy. I don't sleep anymore, the guilt has taken that too. In some ways I feel like I am worse off than before, now that I got 'help'. Dan sighed in his sleep, murmuring something inaudible before shifting suddenly. He frowns in his unconscious state, dreaming of people and places I will never understand. I miss him. Another flash of worthless emotion hits me square in the chest. I'm longing for someone thats inches away from my body. Pathetic.
I closed my eyes and pictured his face instead. The fuzzy image would never be as mysterious as the original. It occurred to me that I may need to master this ability someday. When Dan finally realized how much better off he was without me, I would need to picture his face. I tried to imagine his laugh, failing miserably. He sighed in his sleep, "Phil," he mumbled quietly. I held my breath, not wanting him to wake. He made a quiet whimpering noise and scooted closer to me. He pressed himself to my chest, his warm leg tangling in between mine. I held him close, marveling at how hot his skin was underneath my fingertips. "Don't," Dans hands tightened around me, his voice was high pitched and quivering. "Phil," He was calling my name in his sleep. "Please don't Phil!" I stroked his hair and gently shook his shoulders to wake him. The motion only seem to upset him more, his hands tightened uncomfortably around me. "I'm sorry," He sounded horrified even in a dream state.
I kissed his face gently, holding his cheeks in my hands. "Dan," I sat up and attempted to lay his head in my lap. He rolled around, panicking more now that I wasn't holding him. "I'm here, you're safe," I pushed his hair from his face and kissed his clammy skin. "Wake up, Baby," I cooed, trying to keep myself calm.
His body went stiff and his eyes shot open, bloodshot and glassy in the moonlight. He clung to my waist, afraid and confused from his nightmare. "Shhh," I soothed. "It's okay, love," I rubbed small circles into his back. Part of me wanted to cry along with him.
"Bad dream?" He had finally calmed down. We were laying face to face, our hands and legs intertwined.
"I dreamed that you.." He closed his eyes tightly. When he reopened them, they were focused on the scars on my wrists. "I couldn't save you in time," he finally finished his thought.
"I'm so sorry," I touched his cheek, wanting him to look me in the eye. "That's never going to happen again, okay?" He kissed me softly. It was a chaste kiss, but we didn't pull away afterward. We just stayed close together, sharing air and eye contact.
"Your skin is so soft," he murmured. I closed my eyes as he touched the sensitive skin of my back. His hands wandered, as if he wanted to be sure that I was real. The heartbreaking reality of this moment brought tears to my eyes. Dan would never be able to completely forget about what I had put him through. He would always see me as a scarred individual.
I kissed the side of his mouth and smoothed out his bed head. I was sure he couldn't see the wetness in my eyes. The soft light coming through the window illuminates part of his face, allowing me to see the hint of a smile tugging at his lips.
He shifted our positions so that he was curled against my chest. I held him there, relishing in the feeling of being the strong one for once. "Goodnight Philly," he said affectionately nuzzling my neck. He was like a puppy.
"Goodnight Danny." His eyes closed and his breathing evened out. Sleep was much easier for him than it was for me. I kissed his cheek, noticing how he smiled slightly in his sleep when I did. His innocent face only multiplied my guilt. I could tell how much he hated looking at my arms. His smile would fade and he would become quiet. I had poisoned part of our relationship, and for that I felt guilty. My thoughts continued to race as Dan laid pleasantly unaware of my suffering. What's another sleepless night anyway.