Normal Beginnings
"Vyvyan! You incompetent bastard!" Rick screeched stumbling down the stairs, arms waving around frantically.
"Hey, hey, Rick?" Neil said turning around to face him but only to be met with a flailing fist. He fell to the floor, unconscious.
Rick glared down at him "Oh, that's right Neil, lie there like the fascist you are while I am in dire need of-"
"That was heavy, man!" bellowed Neil, holding his pounding head "Why'd you come and hit me across my head like that, that weren't cool…"
"Shut up! Shut up!" Rick shouted "Shut up!"
"Right, what's all this yelling about?" Mike asked sitting on the sofa not looking up from his newspaper. Rick didn't reply. He just shifted his glare from Neil to Mike and back again.
The sound of the back door closing… Slamming shut echoed around the tiny house from behind Rick.
"I heard yellin'. What's it about?" Vyvyan's voice grated through Rick's mind. There was a pause "Did somebody die?" he grinned with added enthusiasm.
Slowly, Rick turned around, blank, wide-eyed expression not changing. Vyvyan's grin faded "Oi, what's wrong with poofter?"
Rick cleared his throat and kept a casual tone "Vyvyan?"
"………Yeah?"
"Have you… I don't know, um… Been snooping around upstairs or something?"
"Yeah, so?"
Rick did his cringey laugh with the added snort "Well, I was just wandering why my bedroom wall is missing."
"Uh oh, I'm staying outta this one." Neil shuffled upstairs.
Mike stood and took off his glasses "Yeah, Vyv, why is there a missing wall?"
Vyvyan scratched his head "You all know I'm into mindless, completely senseless violence, right?"
They both nodded.
"And y'know I loathe Rick's entrails to the very tips of Satan's burning hell itself, yeah?"
Mike nodded again but Rick narrowed his eyes hatefully.
"Well, I was in the basement this mornin' and I was hittin' my head against the wall. And then, outta the blue, this little flying fish appears outta no where!"
"Carry on." Mike insisted, unsure where this was going.
Vyvyan then quoted the fish and spoke slowly, recalling every word "It said 'Stop, that, banging, you, stupid, boy, or, I, will, beat, your, face, in, with, a, stick." He smiled approvingly at his memory "So then, I grabbed the fish's head," he mimed grabbing a fish in the air "And twisted it."
"Oh, what did it say then?" Rick mocked, rolling his eyes.
"Uh… Nufink, Rick, I killed it." Vyvyan shook his head and continued "So when I broke its face, a huge but light sledgehammer appeared in my hand where the fish was. So, since I utterly despise Rick, I wanted to see what it could do."
"Uh… Guys?" Neil's voice drifted from upstairs "Can I come down now?"
Mike walked over to the kitchen table and sat with his feet up "You know you'll have to pay for this, Vyv?" he said, ignoring Neil.
"I WHAT?"
"Haha, that's right! You have to pay for the wall so I can get a little privacy and people won't stare at my bottom when I get into bed because you… You covered my ONLY pair of pajama bottoms with some stupid experiment you did with chemicals!" Rick's voice cracked and he grabbed a tissue. Vyvyan smirked, recalling the memory.
"Like I said, you will have to be paying for it!" Mike repeated "We don't exactly have a whole load of money."
"But…" Vyvyan stuttered.
"In your face, redhead!" Rick laughed, stepping up on a chair in front of Vyvyan with the "V" sign made with his fingers dancing around in Vyvyan's face "You have to get a job! Every action has a reaction!"
With an aggravated sigh, Vyvyan pushed Rick off the chair. He went over and grabbed the paper from the sofa "Ha!" he sneered "There ain't no job openings!" he went over to Mike to show the evidence. As Mike studied the empty pages, Vyvyan sat on Rick who was still on the floor.
"Vyv, this was last year's paper." Mike said throwing it in his face and magically presenting a new one out of thin air.
"Then how come you were readin' it?" Vyvyan protested.
"What can I say, Vyv? Mike TheCoolPerson, is a strange, but loveable, guy."
As he browsed through the paper, Neil came down "Alright, listen everybody, even though I know you are all going to ignore me since you guys hate me and all, but I have something to say."
"Here's one… The only job anyway. You'll have to take it." Mike pointed at the paper.
"Um… Hello? Guys?" Neil moaned trying futilely to gain attention.
Vyvyan stared at the paper wide-eyed "NO! THERE IS NO WAY IM DOING THAT! NO, NO, BLOODY NO!"
Rick pulled from under Vyvyan (who fell on his backside as a consequence) and looked at what job Vyv would have to do "Perfect revenge! Ready by six o' clock Vyvyan!" he laughed like a little bastard as Vyvyan would say.
Vyv groaned, not wanting to move from where he lay on the floor. He received a girlish kick from Rick but tripped him over by punching his shin.
"Um, again, guys?" Neil moaned once more.
Mike, Rick and Vyvyan sighed simultaneously "What Neil?"
"I thought you'd like to know that Vyvyan's bed has come alive!"
"You see," Neil began explaining as they sneaked up the stairs, armed with pots and pans "There is like this lump squabbling about in the mattress, right, and I just thought it was a little outta the ordinary, because bed's don't usually have little moving lumps in 'em-"
"Shut up!" Rick whispered loudly and then calmed down "It's no surprise what things move about in Vyvyan's room, especially what lurks in his bed!"
Vyvyan slapped Rick across the head "Shut it, poof." He spat.
"Right, guys, no more playing games. We… 'We' meaning Rick, will go into Vyv's bedroom and look at what's under the mattress." Everyone nodded including Rick who suddenly realized too late what the decision was.
"Guys! Wait!" The other three shoved Rick into the room. He got up, coughing out all the dust and Cliff-knows-what. As he stood he started to choke on the smell inside "Cor, Vyvyan! What IS that stench?"
Vyvyan popped his head around the door frame "Oh, that would be Special Patrol Group."
"Why don't you ever wash that Cliff-forsaken hamster?"
"Och, that ain't funny, wee laddie. 'tis a natural animal stink, ye wee spot-faced toad!" S.P.G murmured, sounding slightly hurt, but his strong Glasweiden accent covered that up. He sat in what remained of his cage on top of a very old unusable fridge that Vyvyan used as a bedside table. Somehow, the door is sealed closed by some thick crust that formed around the edges. No one knew what was inside. But who would want to know?
"Shut up, fascist." Rick muttered. He soon let out a high-pitched yelp as something moved under the mattress "There it is! There it is!" he squealed and pinted to the moving mass "Attack!"
Mike and Neil didn't move "I'm not into violence…" protested Neil "Uh… Neither am I." Mike agreed.
"Vyvyan! KILL IT!" Rick pleaded.
"Stop your hissy-fit, girlie!" Vyvyan snapped and pushed Rick outta the way. He bent down and plunged his hand deep into the gooey mass under his mattress. He shuffled about, his face twisting into familiarity and surprise at the different things he felt in his bed "Right," he said, eventually "I got it. And I know what it is."
Rick crawled back out into the corridor.
Vyv pulled it out… It was… A fish! He looked at it, confused "This is the exact same fish I saw in the basement!"
The other three in the corridor stared in disbelief.
"Yes, I am that very fish you little retard!" The fish said in a posh accent. Its lips didn't move "Now where is that fiver you owe me?"
"I don't owe you nufink you piece of crap!" Vyvyan yelled while syllable bashing the fish against the floor. Everyone knew Vyvyan didn't like fish yelling at him to cough up a fiver when he doesn't owe it anything "Here, Special Patrol Group, I gotta snack for you." He placed the fish into S.P.G's cage.
"Aye, thanks ye thick-headed, mindless sack o' haggis!" He replied, greedily wolfing down the fish.
Vyvyan grinned stupidly and nodded his head "Your welcome." He walked out into the corridor "That's how he says thank you."
"So, Vyv, why do you have a strange ghostly like apparition asking you for money?" Neil asked.
Vyvyan looked blank "Eh?"
Rick sighed in frustration "The fish you prat! Why was it asking for a fiver?"
"Oh… I dunno."
"Okay, on more important matters," Mike interrupted "You, Vyv, are getting that job!"
"But why that one?"
"Because that's the only one available, stupid!" Rick sneered, quickly regretting his remark as Vyvyan left him with a black eye.
"Well, guys," Neil proclaimed "I'm going to start painting my artistic zodiac chart. See you in the morning…" he shut his door behind him.
"Night, Neil."
"Night, Neil."
"Night, Neil."
"You best be getting some sleep, Vyv, there is no need for an interview with this job, you just need to be there at 6 o' clock, sharp. That means awake at five." Mike said, tapping his watch and disappearing into his room.
"What? You mean in the mornin'?"
"Yes, you pathetic freakshow!" Rick snorted but quickly dived into his room, dodging a broken off banister from the stairs.
Vyvyan sighed and entered his room. He didn't bother to change and lied with his feet on his pillow and his head at the end of his bed.
"G'night, Special Patrol Group." He muttered.
"Whatever, ye wee zit-faced git!" Came S.P.G.'s affectionate reply.
Vyv then turned to the wall and shouted "GOOD NIGHT!" a dog began barking outside and lights right next to Rick's window flashed on. The light flooded his room.
"Oh, great Vyvyan, you bastard!" Rick snapped his reply.
Vyvyan only smirked for a minute because, tomorrow, he would be walking into the gates of hell itself… Alternatively dubbed, B.S.L. British School of London.
My school here is B.S.M British School Muscat because im like living in Oman, y'know… But im like, British y'know, otherwise I'd be goin' to the ABA y'know and god know's what ABA stands for y'know! Okay, good night everyone!