Chapter 1: The Second Month

AN: Hello everyone. So it's probably the new year when I'm writing this. I typically write happier stuff, but this is very much an angsty thing. So, this was inspired when I was doing genetics homework, and I had a little moment of horror (I always do when they talk about this particular subject). In that moment, I had the picture of a feuding Kaidan and Shepard finally having to take stock of their decisions, Ilos in particular. So here it is.

The first month was bliss. Absolute bliss. There were plenty of mornings where she woke up, running to the bathroom, trying not to vomit on the bedroom carpets, but Kaidan was always so good to her, a damp washcloth ready for when she finished. He blamed the Prothean dreams and the stress from their last mission finally catching up with her, and she saw the logic in it. Between Virmire, the images of Prothean extinction, and the Battle of the Citadel, it was enough to give any soldier nightmares. But as they started the second month, she felt it: something was wrong. Whether it was about the place they were in, the food, the carpet, or something else, she didn't know; but it was there. It was unmistakable. He had to feel it, so she finally spoke up about it over dinner.

"Dinner tastes different," she stated. He frowned at her.

"I don't see anything different. I used the same ingredients as last time, and you loved it." He took a small forkful of her salad and tasted it himself before shaking his head. "Nothing's gone bad, and it tastes the same as my dish." She nodded. If she insisted, he would want to take care of her, and she was beginning to resent it. She was Commander Shepard after all. She could take care of herself.

Later, they were cuddling on the couch when he suddenly frowned at her, moving his hand to her forehead.

"You feel warm. Are you alright, Helen?" His voice was concerned, but it grated on her ears. She wiggled out of his arms.

"I'm fine, Kaidan," she snapped, but a small drop of sweat made its way down her back.

"Shepard, why are you resisting me?" He moved forward, and she scooted further down the couch.

"I'm not. You're being pushy," she insisted.

"I'm not. You won't let me take care of you."

"Who says I need to be taken care of? I can take care of myself. I did in the past, and I can now!" She was standing by the end, her arms crossed defiantly.

"But you don't need to! That's what loved ones are for! They take care of each other!" He was standing too, his anger close to the surface. He wasn't shouting, but he was desperately trying to make a point.

"Well, I wouldn't know about that, would I?" She didn't speak about her past often, but if she needed to throw it in his face, she would.

"Which is why I'm doing this! I'm not like them. I wouldn't do that to you. I'm here for you, Helen. It isn't weakness to accept allies, and it isn't weakness to accept help when you need it." His voice softened as he took light steps forward, ending with his hand on her face. "You're feverish. Please let me take care of you. Let me love you." She hesitated for a few moments, looking into his soft brown eyes.

Before she could answer, her stomach gave its protests, and she ran from the room, covering her mouth. He quietly chased her to the bathroom, where he found her heaving the contents of her stomach into the toilet. She heard the sound of the tap running, and her suspicions were confirmed when she felt the blissfully cool towel wipe the sweat from her back. Once she leaned back against the cool wall, she could hear Kaidan give her a quick look with his omni-tool.

"You probably just have a stomach bug. Best thing for you is rest, so come on." He gently picked her up, carrying her to bed. For once, she didn't protest. She was exhausted and struggled to keep her eyes open as he tucked her into the cool sheets. As he wrapped an arm around her, she finally gave in to sleep.

He could hear soft noises, almost like whimpers as he sluggishly woke. He gave a sleepy 'shh' as he rubbed his eyes. It wasn't until she gave a groan that he realized what woke him. Now that his eyes were adjusting to the darkness, he could see her face was etched with pain. Her head was tossing back and forth, restless. But her shoulders were still, stiff. She's probably having another dream from the Beacon, he thought as he reached over, gently shaking her. She woke with a scream, instantly curling to one side.

"What's wrong?" He asked, all concern. She was never like this. But she merely gave another groan in response, rolling over and vomiting over the edge of the bed. He went to put a hand on her hip, to offer words of comfort, when he felt something slick and slightly sticky on her hips. Something is wrong, he realized. He quickly reached to the side table and turned on the light.

Crisp white sheets were stained crimson with her blood. No. It was worse than a nightmare, worse than seeing an assassin line up a shot on her. He had slept peacefully while she bled. He ripped the sheets off them to find the bed equally soaked with her blood. Think Alenko, the military voice shouted in his head. She needs your help. Get your omni-tool and look for the source of the bleed. You can't let her bleed out. He grabbed his omni-tool, frantic for a solution. But when it passed over her abdomen, it suddenly entered an unfamiliar suite. It was only something he had on there in case civilians were caught in the crosshairs of a dispute. An analyzer popped up and immediately gave a warning beep. 'Spontaneous abortion' was what it read. But she wasn't pregnant. He turned that suite off, and used a small sample of the blood covering the sheets. The analyzer gave another beep, and the only thing that was wrong was one test: 'Patient is pregnant. Fetus is currently in second month.' Kaidan's world ground to a halt. She had been pregnant. Given the timeline, it had to be conceived the night before Ilos. Shepard's shaking and vomiting had finally calmed down, and she finally processed the fact that she was bleeding. Kaidan turned the civilian suite back on, and focused on Shepard again.

"I need to make sure you still aren't bleeding," he stated calmly as he waved the omni-tool over her once again.

"Why am I bleeding?" Her voice shook with fear, and his heart broke when he looked in her eyes. "What's wrong? You're scaring me."

"Dear, I'm so sorry." Kaidan pulled her into his arms. "You were pregnant. You just lost the baby." She stiffened in his arms. He wasn't sure what he should be more concerned about: her shaking or her stillness.

"What?" She whispered.

"You were pregnant. The baby wasn't healthy. I'm so sorry, dear. You miscarried." He whispered the last part reluctantly. He knew she would blame herself as she began to shake again. It took a minute before the sobs came, but they came. She beat at his chest, sobbing, and he held her tightly to him, stroking her hair and kissing the top of her head. It took a minute or two later to realize that silent tears of his own were dripping down his face, the beginning of his mourning for the baby they lost. But he kept quiet; this was her time to grieve and his time to comfort her. Her sobs finally subsided to hiccups until she passed into slumber again. For good measure, he gave her a light sedative. He took the bloody clothes off her, washed her body clean of blood, and dressed her in fresh clothes before he carried her to the couch. He then called the only person he could think of.

"Yes Kaidan?" A female voice asked over the omni-tool.

"I'm sending you my coordinates. I need you to come here as soon as you can. I know we're all on the same planet. Something has happened with Shepard. Physically, she's alright. But I need you to come now." He was desperate, and he knew it. But he was out of his element. He needed her to help him.

"I'm coming over now." He nodded and closed the omni-tool. There was nothing left to do until she got here, so he sank into a chair near Helen. The more he sat, though, the more he began to fall apart. And he hated himself. He got up and tried to walk out his agitations, but it did little to help. He then moved to the back balcony, but the stars offered little comfort. So he finally walked into the kitchen and embraced his brooding thoughts. More than once, he felt the ironic comparison to his father.

His father had never been the kind to hug or play with his son. Conner Alenko would only watch his son from the master bedroom's balcony. Conner gave no real reaction to his son's biotics, spare a stern stare. It was a look of disappointment that Kaidan saw time and time again growing up. Every time he brought a sup-perfect test home from school, his father's gaze was disappointed. Every time Kaidan brought home an A, his father passed it over with a casual glance. Upon hearing that his son was one of the top-ranked sentinels, hand-picked as part of an elite ground team, heading out to a top-secret prototype ship, Conner gave his son a simple nod. Kaidan's mother had always been the talker in the family. She had hugged and kissed her son goodbye, waving as the transport left. When Kaidan came home from BAaT to his father's disapproving stare, he promised himself to be a better father, to love his children and wife with all his heart.

He walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge, reaching in for a lager. He had become his father, unloving and distant. He had given no thought to the life he had created, and he was ashamed. His child was dead because he lost perspective. Rahna left because of his lack of control, and now the life he should have treasured most was gone too.

A part of his mind dimly recognized that he was in shock, that he should be helping himself. But the other part of his mind spat in disgust. He was a human being with a soul. He was allowed to mourn. His hands were halfway through opening the bottle when the first part argued that Chakwas needed someone sober to explain what had happened. After staring at the bottle for another minute, he finally set the bottle down, contenting himself to watch sweat slowly build up and slide down the bottle. Thankfully, Chakwas knocked on the door before the lager was too warm.

"Hey, Doc," he quietly greeted. "I wasn't sure who else to call. This kind of medicine isn't my specialty."

"Where is she? What happened Kaidan?" Karin was all concern, walking in with a small duffel bag. He led her to where he left Shepard.

"I gave her a light sedative." He paused before making several attempts at talking, all resulting in failure. For some reason, the clinical part of his mind could not state the simple event.

"Just start at the beginning Kaidan." He chuckled in response. Where was the beginning? The first time he saw her on the Normandy? The night before Ilos? Earlier tonight? He finally sighed and sent her the data from his omni-tool. Karin's eyes appraised it, slowing as she read further. The look of pity in her eyes was almost too much for Kaidan to bear.

"As always Kaidan, you've done so well under stress." He nodded dumbly in response. "I'm so sorry. Did either of you know?"

"No. That's the most damning part. We had no clue. We didn't even bother to think about it." He was disgusted with himself, and he didn't bother to hide it. But Dr. Chakwas quietly smiled at him.

"Mourning a life like this is always difficult, but the fact that you are mourning shows that you are not the heartless beast you believe yourself to be. If you were heartless, you wouldn't be mourning." Her words made sense, but it did little to soothe what he felt. "Even if you had known, it wouldn't have changed anything. Genetically, the baby never would have been able to survive. It was missing an essential chromosome. There was nothing anyone could have done." He nodded, but his heart wasn't in it. "What would you have done if the baby was alright and wasn't threatened like this?"

"We would have just continued like we normally do."

"What would you have done when you figured out that she was pregnant?" Chakwas continued to ask, pressing him for an answer.

"I would have taken care of her, kept her out of active duty. I would have done everything I could for her and the baby!" He choked on his words, images of Helen holding a dark-haired daughter.

"Well, I know that Shepard may have been stubborn, but she never would have endangered that child's life. You both would have taken care of it."

"It doesn't make me feel any better." He knew he was being surly, but he didn't really care. Chakwas walked over to the kitchen, grabbed the lager, and put it back in the fridge. He scowled in response.

"You know better. And it will hurt for a while. It's part of mourning. As time goes by, you will move forward with your lives." She put a hand on his shoulder. He knew she wouldn't leave him alone, so he simply nodded. "Now, I know you won't want to hear this, but you need to sleep."

"Doc, I'm fine." He started to wave her off, but she gave him that stern look. He knew it very well. It said 'Oh no you don't. I will not be overridden by any soldier under my care, regardless of their title.' After staring for a moment and hoping it would go away, it didn't. So he huffed a sigh and looked around the living room for a place to rest.

"There's a chair here. I'm guessing you won't want to sleep in the bed." He shuddered involuntarily. He wouldn't be able to look at that bed again. Well, he'd throw it away. I should do that before she wakes. And I should clean the sheets. May not be able to, though.

"I should toss the mattress first." He turned to do so when a hand stopped him.

"Kaidan, you need to sleep. Sleep in the chair. I'll toss the sheets for you, but the mattress should wait for tomorrow." Chakwas all but forced him into the chair, and it wasn't until he was sitting that he realized how tired he was. It took a concentrated effort to stand back up. At a stern look from Chakwas, he held up a hand before he lifted the chair over the coffee table, closer to Shepard. He then walked over to chair and settled in. He knew his nap wouldn't last long and that it would be far from restful, but his eyes were demanding to be closed, if only for a minute.

AN: GAH! Why did I do that?! I love Shenko! WHY?! But I had to. I got that mental picture in my head and just had to write it down. When I actually wrote the scene where Helen loses her baby, my mind had two pictures that made the combined effect: the horse-head scene from The Godfather and the scene based on "A Book of Blood" in Pan's Labyrinth. If you look up the song, the actual section of music where the scene happens is roughly 3 minutes in. Needless to say, it was very creepy. And really freaked me out.

I originally had Kaidan maintaining his calm until Chapter 2 and let Shepard speculate on his internal turmoil, but I realized that seeing Kaidan's grief gave room for some character development, so I inserted the entire part where Kaidan broods until Chakwas gets there.

Anywho, there will be 5 chapters . I really want feedback for this story. I have never written any angst before and would LOVE to know how I can improve, even if I never really write this genre.