(A/N: I don't own any of J.K.'s stuff. Only she does.)
The Empty Vase
Chapter 1: Introduction.
Have you ever felt that you wanted to cry so much and so hard, but just couldn't? I have. But I won't let myself cry. I can't let myself show any sign of weakness. If I did, who knows who might try to break through the hard exterior I had worked so hard to create to protect myself. But some times, when the pain inside me grows even more than usual, it feels like I'm about to burst if I don't let it all out. When I start to feel like that, I let myself go numb. I just stare at the floor or wall with a blank expression and I get a glazed look in my eyes.
You're probably wondering what I'm going on about, and who I am. Well, I'm just that one girl in that large group that doesn't say anything. The girl that looks on and stays quiet. The girl that has so many friends, but still feels empty inside. I'm like an empty vase forgotten in the corner. On the outside it shows beauty and some sort of mood. A clever diguise. Because if you take a look inside, then you'll see that its empty and hollow. But no one has ever seen the inside. I won't let anyone. If you were to have just randomly met me somewhere, you would see my artificial smile that I prefected over the years. You'll see me stand tall and confident, but inside I feel like I'm about to collapse. And you'll see me chatting and laughing like there wasn't a care in the world. But if people just took the time, and looked in my eyes they'd see diffrently. No, not just look, not just some passing glance, but look. Then, and only then, you'll see how I truely feel, and how I really see the world. That has always been one of my biggest flaws. My eyes are the window to my soul, the window to my thoughts, and the window to my heart. But I've learned to keep the shade down low, I've learned to keep the curtains shut.
How can you really know what someone's thinking anyways? How can you really know, if you've never asked? Well, unless you're some great seer or something like that, I don't think that you can. And that thought is comforting in a way. I like that I am the only one that knows what exactly goes on in my head. If everyone knew then I might get that fake symapthy that I used to get. I don't want that. How people think that those little meaningless sorries actually help, is beyond me. I'm not trying to complain, but its true. I used to live off those little words, or anything that was remotely close to symapthy, and that's what made me so empty. I'm empty because i lived off something that was empty. So i cut myself off. I stop waiting and living for those useless attempts to make me feel better. What was the point anyways? I don't think I can remember a time when someone truelly meant that they were sorry. So I let time pass, and I let them forget that I was sad, or that I was angry. And eventually they did. But that was a long time ago. Almost five years in fact, and none have remembered since. But I'm grateful for that. I don't want their pity, like I've said before. I've grown acustomed to the emptiness inside me.
But my emptiness isn't exactly one of those things you usally brag about is it? I guess not. Who'd want to feel empty inside? Who'd want to feel like I do? No one. No one wants to feel like they have nothing to lean back on. Like if they let their gaurd down, that only the worst can come from it. I used to dream and pray at night for someone to rescue me. I used to think that some tall and handsome guy would ride up on his white horse and take me away from it all. Take me away from the darkness and emptiness that I feel. I stopped deaming about him two years ago. Two years ago is when I gave up hope on that guy and dream. When I turned fifteen I just assumed that he didn't want to come.
A lot of things happened when I turned fifteen. That's when some people say, that i really showed my beauty, and my anger. When I turned fifteen, I seemed to develop a lot more reasons to get angry. One of those reasons happened to have been James Potter. Even before I was fifteen, James and I were known as enemies. We were famous for it, that and having the ability to shout really loud. Although I am quiet around everyone including my friends, something inside me just explodes when I start to go at it with Potter, and that's when I become loud. I have no idea why, but he just has that affect on me. But, when I turned fifteen, everything changed. Yes, Potter and I still fought, but for diffrent reasons. We used to fight about rules and classes and grades, stuff like that. But at fifteen, he seemed to notice the beauty everyone else had, and so instead we would fight over him complimenting me. I couldn't see how he could be so shallow, to all of a sudden begin to like me just because I apparently turned beautiful over the summer. So soon, our fights grew longer and louder than before.
But the thing that got me so mad with Potter, was that when we'd be shouting at eachother, he'd have this look in his eyes that I couldn't descibe. A look that made me curious, and I hated that. I hated that there was something about Potter that made me want to learn more about him. That's probably what he wanted. Wanted me to just give in to him like every other girl in this school. But I won't give in. I won't let him have the satisfaction of being the only one that was able to climb over that wall I built. And I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of being the one to let my wall crumble. And so, I fight with him, just to make sure that he doesn't get to me with his charm or looks or anything else he throws at me. For me, all I want to do is stay safe away from getting hurt, and it seems like for him, he just wants to get me to fail. But I won't fail. I can't fail. If I let someone in too close, then I might not be able to push them back away.
I guess that might be one of the reasons I hate him so much. Back in our third year, for some odd reason, he tried to befriend me. He would be nice to me constantly and try to have small talk. And that's when I felt he was getting too close. So I pushed him away. Pushed him as hard as I could away. Away from opening my curtains, or looking into that vase. Away from me getting hurt. That's when our fights started happening. And it was a routine. Everyday, I'd wake up, nod a quick hello to a few people with one of those smiles I prefected, I'd go eat and not say a word to anyone around me, and go to classes. Then, near the end of the day, in the common room, Potter would always pick a fight, and so I'd always retaliate with some sort of comment, and the shouting would begin.
It's not as though I like having an enemy. Honestly, I hate it to death. Its one more reason to keep my guard up and never show my true self. Its the reason I have to watch my back constantly. It makes me feel like there isn't a single person that I can trust. Do you have any idea what that feels like? To not be able to tell a secret to someone with out thinking that they're going to go spread the word around to everyone. If I had to pick someone in this world to trust, it'd probably be Dumbledore. That's right, I trust Dumbledore more than my own family. If you want to call them a family.
They're the reason why I'm so bitter and the reason I became empty in the first place. You see, me dad left us when I turned eleven. Everything went wrong when I turned eleven. Because when I turned eleven, everything changed for me. Eleven is when I found out that me, the normal girl, was in fact a witch. My dad, who loved everything about being normal, hated that his daughter was everything he was against. The next day, he packed up his stuff, gave my mother and sister a kiss good bye, and a dirty look at me, and left. I haven't seen him since. The thing that hurts the most about my dad though, is that he keeps in touch with my sister and mom, but acts like I don't exist. I've heard that when people ask him about me, he says I got run over by some truck or bus. Well, that's one of the reasons why I hate my family so much. Another is about my sister and my mother.
My mother has always been a follower. The only reason why she married my father is because when she was nineteen all her friends were getting married, so she decided that she had to, too. So what all that means, is she followed my siter and father's example and decided to hate me too. So every once in a while I'll get a letter requesting my stay at my 'freak' school. Its not like they need to ask me, I would have stayed anyways. I just wish they would still be able to talk to me. Not that I could say the same for Potter.
Potter always seems to know just what to say to get me mad. In a way, I guess I'm sort of jealous. He has a way with words that can either be so mean, or so beatuiful and inspiring. I've never really been able to express myself with words that well. So usually, when we're fighting, he'll end up winning. And on a few occasions I'll win too, but sometimes I think its only because he lets me. And when he lets me, that only gets me more mad. I wish that for once, I could just say the perfect thing at the perfect time, but I guess Potter is only able to do that. I guess that really shouldn't matter that much to me. Its not as though I talk much anyways. I kinda just like to be alone, and have no one bother me. But it feels like every time I try, someone trys to pull me into a conversation, or a fight if its Potter.
I'm not obsessed with Potter or anything like that, but it just seems that anything I end up thinking about, Potter comes into the picture. Its probably one of those other things that he wanted to happen. Its not exactly like its hard for him. He's on the minds of every girl at Hogwarts. Although, they welcome the thoughts of him unlike me.
You see, Potter has every girl in this school wrapped around his finger. He can make most of them do anything with a wink. He's tall, and he plays quiditch, he has everyone charmed with his personality, and he can get so cocky, and he has these hazel eyes. I think they're hazel anyways. I don't often look people in the eye. If I look them in the eye, they might look into mine, and I don't want that. Like I've said, they'd see that I try to hide from everyone. I'd rather have people go on believeing that I'm really happy and that I don't have a care in the world, instead of how I really feel, empty and lonely. But I prefer being empty and lonely. If I wasn't empty or lonely, then that means that someone got too close, and who knows if they can be trusted with my feelings.
I can't trust anyone with them. I've tried dating before, and having a boyfriend, but it kind of backfired. Every time someone would ask me out, Potter would start yelling at them, or me. Besides, I'm kind of grateful for that. Not like I'd ever let Potter know. If he knew, that would only please him, and I don't want to be a reason that Potter is happy.
It seems like I've done a lot of complaining, and you still don't know who I am. I'm Lily Evans. Student, friend, sister, daughter, and empty vase.
**If you're reading my other story, A change of Heart, well sorry about the delay. One night I just started tyoing and typing, and this story just came out. I'm not abandoning my other story so don't worry. This is just a story I'll use when I have writer's block! Hope you liked it, and REVIEW!
The Empty Vase
Chapter 1: Introduction.
Have you ever felt that you wanted to cry so much and so hard, but just couldn't? I have. But I won't let myself cry. I can't let myself show any sign of weakness. If I did, who knows who might try to break through the hard exterior I had worked so hard to create to protect myself. But some times, when the pain inside me grows even more than usual, it feels like I'm about to burst if I don't let it all out. When I start to feel like that, I let myself go numb. I just stare at the floor or wall with a blank expression and I get a glazed look in my eyes.
You're probably wondering what I'm going on about, and who I am. Well, I'm just that one girl in that large group that doesn't say anything. The girl that looks on and stays quiet. The girl that has so many friends, but still feels empty inside. I'm like an empty vase forgotten in the corner. On the outside it shows beauty and some sort of mood. A clever diguise. Because if you take a look inside, then you'll see that its empty and hollow. But no one has ever seen the inside. I won't let anyone. If you were to have just randomly met me somewhere, you would see my artificial smile that I prefected over the years. You'll see me stand tall and confident, but inside I feel like I'm about to collapse. And you'll see me chatting and laughing like there wasn't a care in the world. But if people just took the time, and looked in my eyes they'd see diffrently. No, not just look, not just some passing glance, but look. Then, and only then, you'll see how I truely feel, and how I really see the world. That has always been one of my biggest flaws. My eyes are the window to my soul, the window to my thoughts, and the window to my heart. But I've learned to keep the shade down low, I've learned to keep the curtains shut.
How can you really know what someone's thinking anyways? How can you really know, if you've never asked? Well, unless you're some great seer or something like that, I don't think that you can. And that thought is comforting in a way. I like that I am the only one that knows what exactly goes on in my head. If everyone knew then I might get that fake symapthy that I used to get. I don't want that. How people think that those little meaningless sorries actually help, is beyond me. I'm not trying to complain, but its true. I used to live off those little words, or anything that was remotely close to symapthy, and that's what made me so empty. I'm empty because i lived off something that was empty. So i cut myself off. I stop waiting and living for those useless attempts to make me feel better. What was the point anyways? I don't think I can remember a time when someone truelly meant that they were sorry. So I let time pass, and I let them forget that I was sad, or that I was angry. And eventually they did. But that was a long time ago. Almost five years in fact, and none have remembered since. But I'm grateful for that. I don't want their pity, like I've said before. I've grown acustomed to the emptiness inside me.
But my emptiness isn't exactly one of those things you usally brag about is it? I guess not. Who'd want to feel empty inside? Who'd want to feel like I do? No one. No one wants to feel like they have nothing to lean back on. Like if they let their gaurd down, that only the worst can come from it. I used to dream and pray at night for someone to rescue me. I used to think that some tall and handsome guy would ride up on his white horse and take me away from it all. Take me away from the darkness and emptiness that I feel. I stopped deaming about him two years ago. Two years ago is when I gave up hope on that guy and dream. When I turned fifteen I just assumed that he didn't want to come.
A lot of things happened when I turned fifteen. That's when some people say, that i really showed my beauty, and my anger. When I turned fifteen, I seemed to develop a lot more reasons to get angry. One of those reasons happened to have been James Potter. Even before I was fifteen, James and I were known as enemies. We were famous for it, that and having the ability to shout really loud. Although I am quiet around everyone including my friends, something inside me just explodes when I start to go at it with Potter, and that's when I become loud. I have no idea why, but he just has that affect on me. But, when I turned fifteen, everything changed. Yes, Potter and I still fought, but for diffrent reasons. We used to fight about rules and classes and grades, stuff like that. But at fifteen, he seemed to notice the beauty everyone else had, and so instead we would fight over him complimenting me. I couldn't see how he could be so shallow, to all of a sudden begin to like me just because I apparently turned beautiful over the summer. So soon, our fights grew longer and louder than before.
But the thing that got me so mad with Potter, was that when we'd be shouting at eachother, he'd have this look in his eyes that I couldn't descibe. A look that made me curious, and I hated that. I hated that there was something about Potter that made me want to learn more about him. That's probably what he wanted. Wanted me to just give in to him like every other girl in this school. But I won't give in. I won't let him have the satisfaction of being the only one that was able to climb over that wall I built. And I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of being the one to let my wall crumble. And so, I fight with him, just to make sure that he doesn't get to me with his charm or looks or anything else he throws at me. For me, all I want to do is stay safe away from getting hurt, and it seems like for him, he just wants to get me to fail. But I won't fail. I can't fail. If I let someone in too close, then I might not be able to push them back away.
I guess that might be one of the reasons I hate him so much. Back in our third year, for some odd reason, he tried to befriend me. He would be nice to me constantly and try to have small talk. And that's when I felt he was getting too close. So I pushed him away. Pushed him as hard as I could away. Away from opening my curtains, or looking into that vase. Away from me getting hurt. That's when our fights started happening. And it was a routine. Everyday, I'd wake up, nod a quick hello to a few people with one of those smiles I prefected, I'd go eat and not say a word to anyone around me, and go to classes. Then, near the end of the day, in the common room, Potter would always pick a fight, and so I'd always retaliate with some sort of comment, and the shouting would begin.
It's not as though I like having an enemy. Honestly, I hate it to death. Its one more reason to keep my guard up and never show my true self. Its the reason I have to watch my back constantly. It makes me feel like there isn't a single person that I can trust. Do you have any idea what that feels like? To not be able to tell a secret to someone with out thinking that they're going to go spread the word around to everyone. If I had to pick someone in this world to trust, it'd probably be Dumbledore. That's right, I trust Dumbledore more than my own family. If you want to call them a family.
They're the reason why I'm so bitter and the reason I became empty in the first place. You see, me dad left us when I turned eleven. Everything went wrong when I turned eleven. Because when I turned eleven, everything changed for me. Eleven is when I found out that me, the normal girl, was in fact a witch. My dad, who loved everything about being normal, hated that his daughter was everything he was against. The next day, he packed up his stuff, gave my mother and sister a kiss good bye, and a dirty look at me, and left. I haven't seen him since. The thing that hurts the most about my dad though, is that he keeps in touch with my sister and mom, but acts like I don't exist. I've heard that when people ask him about me, he says I got run over by some truck or bus. Well, that's one of the reasons why I hate my family so much. Another is about my sister and my mother.
My mother has always been a follower. The only reason why she married my father is because when she was nineteen all her friends were getting married, so she decided that she had to, too. So what all that means, is she followed my siter and father's example and decided to hate me too. So every once in a while I'll get a letter requesting my stay at my 'freak' school. Its not like they need to ask me, I would have stayed anyways. I just wish they would still be able to talk to me. Not that I could say the same for Potter.
Potter always seems to know just what to say to get me mad. In a way, I guess I'm sort of jealous. He has a way with words that can either be so mean, or so beatuiful and inspiring. I've never really been able to express myself with words that well. So usually, when we're fighting, he'll end up winning. And on a few occasions I'll win too, but sometimes I think its only because he lets me. And when he lets me, that only gets me more mad. I wish that for once, I could just say the perfect thing at the perfect time, but I guess Potter is only able to do that. I guess that really shouldn't matter that much to me. Its not as though I talk much anyways. I kinda just like to be alone, and have no one bother me. But it feels like every time I try, someone trys to pull me into a conversation, or a fight if its Potter.
I'm not obsessed with Potter or anything like that, but it just seems that anything I end up thinking about, Potter comes into the picture. Its probably one of those other things that he wanted to happen. Its not exactly like its hard for him. He's on the minds of every girl at Hogwarts. Although, they welcome the thoughts of him unlike me.
You see, Potter has every girl in this school wrapped around his finger. He can make most of them do anything with a wink. He's tall, and he plays quiditch, he has everyone charmed with his personality, and he can get so cocky, and he has these hazel eyes. I think they're hazel anyways. I don't often look people in the eye. If I look them in the eye, they might look into mine, and I don't want that. Like I've said, they'd see that I try to hide from everyone. I'd rather have people go on believeing that I'm really happy and that I don't have a care in the world, instead of how I really feel, empty and lonely. But I prefer being empty and lonely. If I wasn't empty or lonely, then that means that someone got too close, and who knows if they can be trusted with my feelings.
I can't trust anyone with them. I've tried dating before, and having a boyfriend, but it kind of backfired. Every time someone would ask me out, Potter would start yelling at them, or me. Besides, I'm kind of grateful for that. Not like I'd ever let Potter know. If he knew, that would only please him, and I don't want to be a reason that Potter is happy.
It seems like I've done a lot of complaining, and you still don't know who I am. I'm Lily Evans. Student, friend, sister, daughter, and empty vase.
**If you're reading my other story, A change of Heart, well sorry about the delay. One night I just started tyoing and typing, and this story just came out. I'm not abandoning my other story so don't worry. This is just a story I'll use when I have writer's block! Hope you liked it, and REVIEW!