levi was humanity's strongest soldier, but nothing could prepare him for the day he fell in love.

it was a simple thing, to him. people would fall in love, fuck, get married, pop out some kids, and then die, old and wrinkled and sort of happy but mostly in debt.

but for some people, it didn't always go that way. Levi didn't go that way. In fact, he went the opposite fucking direction. He was looking at the map upside down. this is why he isn't the fucking leader of the scouting legion. erwin is. and he's missing a fucking arm. like honestly, you think you could get some simple directions right, but nooooooooo, humanity's strongest soldier can't tell north from south. fucking incredible. i cannot believe all the humans have to rely on this asshole.

anyways, levi's life got totally changed up when he met lord farquad.

levi had always gotten snide comments about his height, and he understood. he was really fucking short. like yooooo he was super short for someone who was supposed to be this totally kickass dude. like, you hear about levi in the streets while you buy your shitty bread from the peasant market, and they're like "yeah dude, that levi guy? fucking kick ass, man. he killed like, a million titans. sick as hell." and you think, "oh man, this guy must be super fucking cool. and then you see the scouting legion come back from an expedition or whatever and you see like, some tall, muscly, blonde guy whose eyebrows are fuckmassive yet so incredibly impressive and alluring you almost want to have them yourself, and you're like "dude, that guy is totally levi" and then your shitty neighbor who steals your laundry from the line in the mornings because he's a dick who can't keep a job and disappoints his mother tells you "nah man, that short guy with the angry face is levi." and you're just like, "fuck, there goes all of my hopes and dreams." and then levi kills you in your sleep. bazinga.

but yeah anyways levi met lord farquad and he was so impressed. super impressed.

because levi had walked in on lord farquad changing, and farquad's massive dong was just HANGING OUT. and levi nodded his head in appreciation and gave him a thumbs up.

"nice dong" levi said.

"thank you. what are you doing in here? who let you in? where are my guards? wheres shrek? where is the love? people killin' people dyin', children hurt you see 'em cryin'."

"i killed your guards because they were in the way." levi huffed and crossed his arms. this bitch asked too many questions.

"wow thanks a lot? ? ? I mean guards cost a lot of money, man. not that i actually pay them or anything. its the thought that counts."

"i like you style of thinking, nerdlord. and i like your dong."

"nerdlord? um excuse you i am royalty and u can suck this royal donger."

"ok"

"wait what"

levi shrugged and started to take off his fancy layered neck napkin.

"you heard me."

"o-oh..."

lord farquad shivered with antici...

...pation.

levi licked his lips and began to undress himself. he took off his neck thing, and unbuttoned his shirt. and then he took off his boots. and then he started to take off his belts. he kept taking off his belts. there were so many belts. levi became lost in the belts. he found it hard to breathe. the belts were consuming him, taking his strength from him. there could only be one.

farquad looked at the massive pile of belts, then at his massive dong and then back at the pile of belts. very very slowly, he stuck his massive dong into the pile of belts. it was very leathery.

"siri, how are belts made?" lord farquad asked.

"who is siri?" levi asked from under the belt pile.

"i dont know" farquad responded.

levi somehow managed to escape from the death constriction of the belts and put farquads massive dong in his mouth. it tasted like sweat and desperation, and levi was kind of okay with that. kind of.

farquad immediately came.

levi was immediately disappointed.

levi gathered up his belts and then made his way to the door. he cast one last glance back at lord farquad.

"i'll miss you..." levi whispered.

"what was that" farquad asked.

"nothing, go fuck urself with a rake." levi responded. "seeya nerdlord"

levi hopped on his skateboard and dick a sick kickflip out of a window and landed on that shitty neighbor of yours. lucky day.

"seeya, humanity's strongest..." lord farquad whispered, then set off to find a guard to order to find a rake.

been spendin' most their lives, livin' in a gangsta's paradise.

A/N: ayyyy if you want my personal tumblr, here it is [gayvines . tumblr. com]