Here's a little one shot dedicate to today. Why? Well, I was forced to attend a jewelry party with my mother and sisters. Why? It was hosted by my cousin and you gotta support family.
Let's get it on!
Emasculated
Dante shuffled down a suburban sidewalk being towed by Trish who seemed to be speed walking. The blonde demoness had a strong grip on the half-devil's hand. It was so much so that a single false move would result in her shattering every bone in his hand. He would have attempted to run in the other direction if he wasn't so sure that he would separate his shoulder in the process. He hated unnecessary pain. Dante tried to put up some resistance on the slick pavement, but failed the battle of strength.
He whined and she snarled, "Stop being a wuss!"
Without another struggle he gave in, when Trish gave him the look. It was a stern warning to Dante that he didn't want to mess with her at the moment. That look told him without any words that Trish had absolutely no problem in slinging him over her shoulder and carrying him to their destination.
He knew she had the strength required and she would do it if provoked farther. Dante decided to save himself from the embarrassment of being hauled off by the blonde bombshell and followed her. He questioned why he was here in the first place. He wondered why he felt like he was being backed into a corner. Why did he feel like a dog being carted off to be neutered?
He blamed her, but most of all, he blamed himself for convincing her that she should keep up appearances to blend in with humans.
It all came back to that moment in the shop when Trish told him to get dressed because they were going out. At first he thought that she had finally wised up and offered to buy him a pizza for saving her ass in that last mission. But then...
She made her presence well known with the way she dressed. It wasn't in her normal skintight leather, but traded for more reserved wares of a business woman. She wore as basic black lady's pants suit and a pair of black stiletto pumps. Her golden hair was pulled back into a neat ponytail. She had even finished the look with some very chic personality glasses.
As she made her slow descent down the staircase, Dante pulled away the magazine that he normally hid behind.
He whistled a cat call and vocalized, "Me-yow!"
"Can it, Dante," she said sauntering closer to him before tossing some plain clothes onto his head, "We're going out."
"Where?"
"Out."
He obliged and dressed in the red tee-shirt and the pair of blue jeans she provided. He lazily lumbered out of his office and spotted Trish waiting in her car out front. He climbed into the passenger seat.
"We are already late as it is, Dante," she commented as he shut the door.
"For what? A consultation? Pfft! Like we're ever on time for those. Where are we headed?" Dante scoffed assuming that they were on their way to a routine appointment. Little did he know; it would be anything but.
He had no reason to believe otherwise; after all it had been Trish's and Lady's idea for him to dress in regular clothes in order ease the mind of potential or first time customers. There was no reason to scare them with copious amounts of leather and mystical weaponry if they weren't in immediate danger.
"It's for me to know and you to find out," she smartly replied.
The trip took all of fifteen minutes to reach a brightly decorated colonial house outside the city. Trish pulled farther up the block to find a parking space. That's when Dante realized that this situation wasn't right.
People began exiting their cars and gathering at the house.
"Hey, don't tell me that you brought me to one of those bullshit séances!"
Trish didn't respond, only pushed the gear into park and signaled for Dante to follow her.
"Ah no! I don't deal with the spirit realm. It ain't my thing. You can handle it without me. I'm gonna head back to the shop." Dante exited the car and turned to walk away, but stopped when her iron grasp wrapped around his hand.
She dragged him across the street and the up the house's ornate walkway. The slate stones trailed to the front door with either side posted with cutesy garden features such as cherubs peeing into a well-maintained koi pond.
Dante struggled in vain before complaining and then bargaining, "Why? Why do you do this to me? Hey, I can sit in the car... I'll clean up after myself at the office. Cut down on pizza?" He said the latter with a slight wince.
She only shook her head at his empty promises and rang the doorbell. Within seconds, it was opened and Trish had plastered a warm but fake smile onto her face. A brunette woman in a blue business jacket and skirt greeted the two devil hunters with feigned hugs, "Trish, How are you? Long time no see— Love the outfit, where on earth did you get it? Who's this handsome piece of beef cake?"
Her questions ran a mile a minute without either one of them able to get a word in edgewise. Trish tried to hide that she was grinding her teeth in pure distaste for the woman. She squeezed Dante's hand harder with all of the color draining from his digits from the pressure.
"Jackie, you're lovely as always," Trish sweetly lied, "This is my husband, Dante."
Dante's jaw dropped slightly in objection, but he quickly snapped it shut as he weighed his options. He could speak up and get the beat down of his life from Trish, perhaps a bullet between the eyes (although that was more up Lady's alley). Or, he could go along with it and be safe... at least for the time being.
"Pleased to meet you, Jackie," he brought a hand up to shake hers.
She never did take it. She instead replied haughtily, "Charmed."
Who put the stick up her ass?
Jackie led the couple into the living room where there were at least twenty other women gathered. Dante felt as if he was thrown into a den of lionesses. He could practically feel the estrogen flowing through the air. For now, it ebbed and flowed softly like a quiet stream, but Dante knew better. He knew that soon it will become a raging sea of PMS. It was best not to make any sudden movements, lest he set them off.
Trish left his side for a moment, giving him time to scan the room for prospects. The reports? Not a single MILF or cougar among them. Dante then looked harder, hoping that there was someone... anyone out there he could bed that didn't have a 'butta-face'. He could use a paperbag and pretend.
Soon his eyes landed on a raven haired woman in a simple skirt and blouse at the snack table. She turned and smiled at a woman speaking with her. She turned back to gaze at the selection of cookies. She grabbed her food of choice and walked towards Dante's general direction. Right away, he noticed her heterochromatic eyes. Lady?
Trish had returned with an adhesive name tag that read: Hello my name is Dante. She plastered it across his chest and he gave her a sour look.
"Look, everyone's wearing them. We have to keep up appearances."
"Fine, whatever. Did you know that Lady's here?"
"Yeah. She goes to these things with me all the time."
"Trish?"
"Yeah?"
"What is this," Dante questioned as more women trickled through the door.
"A jewelry party."
"A what," he half-growled a whisper.
"It's where human women hang out and buy pretty jewelry," her words were frank while emotionless, as if she was reading her definition from a dictionary.
"Ladies," Jackie announced, "Please take your seats so that we may get started."
The women in the room obeyed like a mindless flock of sheep. Once everyone was settled Jackie began speaking, "Welcome to my fifteenth jewelry show. The things you about see are high quality and stylish fashion accessories from my company, Pompous Designs."
You're pompous alright, Dante internalized.
Jackie continued past his unheard thoughts, "We are based out of Georgia. You know, I've been doing this for about twenty years and –"
And here comes her boring life story. Dante suddenly wished that he had brought something... anything to stave off the ensuing boredom. He could have brought his PSP, hell he would have even brought his Playboy, Penthouse, or Hustler and read them for the articles.
"—Now why don't we go around the circle and introduce ourselves."
Lady was the first to begin, stating that her name was Nicole Something or other. Either way Dante didn't care, he mostly expected his colleagues to use fake names.
More women spoke up, giving their names, letting the group know if they actually worked for the company or just came to show because they love the jewelry.
Then there was, "I'm Trish and I have been buying accessories from Pompous Designs for about two years. This my fourth show."
By the time Trish uttered her first syllable, Dante had pretended that he drifted asleep. "Dante," she elbowed him in the ribs, "It's your turn."
"What," he lifted one eyelid to feign drowsiness.
"It's your turn to introduce yourself," Trish repeated the whisper.
"I don't belong here," he sighed, "next person."
His apathetic response garnered foot stamp from Trish unlike any other. Her spiked heel invaded the safety of his leather boot and nearly crushed his big toe.
"Fine, fine, fine," he fought back a howl of pain, "Name's Dante... I'm here with my wife; I think she's on her period."
The rest of the circle stared in disbelief for moment as the blonde continued to physically abuse the platinum haired man. They got over it, all of three seconds later and continued with the introductions.
Jackie then passed out some order catalogues and rambled on about the new spring collection. Dante formulized a plan of escape. He would excuse himself to the bathroom and escape from the window. If their bathroom had no window, he'd swallow whatever pills they had in their medicine cabinets and hope that was enough to do him in. Escape plan one was dashed when a mental stick figure of Trish caught stick figure Dante before he could finish downing the entire bottle of aspirin. It ended with her dragging him back to the party.
A catalogue and an order form were passed to Dante, waking him from his reverie.
"If you see anything that you like, please make note of it," Jackie said, "And now for our first piece, the Corporate Ladder—"
Oh God, they have names, Dante mused in displeasure.
Jackie presented a watch and passed it around the circle.
"—This handsome piece is bold, professional, and powerful. It can be worn around the office and will meet the discerning tastes of any metro sexual," She glanced into Dante's direction as she said it.
Oh, no she didn't!
"FYI, this stunning piece is known to catch compliments from the boss and even promotions." There were some giggles from the girls despite her not being funny.
"Next is the Peacock. Can you guess why it has the name?"
Escape plan number two: Maybe I can slit my own throat. He began fingering the hunting knife hidden in his boot. His mind projected him doing the act and the entire room being sprayed with his blood. Then the women would be screaming hysterically, running around in a full panic; then Trish really would stab him to death with his own knife. Naw, too messy, he concluded.
Plan three: Devil Trigger? His eyes shifted once again to Trish and then into Lady's direction. Nope, same outcome, he thought as he closed his eyes. Plan four: gouge my eyes out? ... That's pretty gross.
More jewelry passed through Dante's hands and he mentally commented on each one, Ugly... Hideous... You should be shot for designing this piece of shit! As a new piece landed in his grasp, he cooed, Aww, well isn't this the fugliest thing I've ever seen.
"And careful with this one," said Jackie, "it's extremely fragile."
Then why bother wearing it, I ought to crush it—, his thought trailed off as Trish dangerously glared at him, as if she had picked up on his thoughts.
Number five: What if I doused myself with gasoline and lit a match? The women in running a frenzy came to mind again and then the house being burnt to cinders was an added bonus. His mind came to how much it would hurt and how long the recovery time would take. Then again, I've never been a human fireball before.
"Mix and match for optimal effect. Remember ladies to layer your jewelry. Layering is in right now."
Why, so they can look twice as cheesy?
"Here's my personal favorite, the Champion. This particular piece is extremely versatile. You can connect your matching bracelet and make it into a longer chain. Champion's magnetic closure is ideal for those suffering with arthritis and still want to look pretty," Jackie passed around the new piece just after modeling it herself, "This beautiful thing that I hold is the Versatile. In fact it is more versatile than the Champion. It is so versatile that it can be worn over nine different ways—"
"Get this woman a thesaurus so that she can find some new synonyms for versatile! I swear to God, or whatever benevolent deity that's watching right now, that I will shoot myself if she says versatile one more time! Why do women buy this trashy shit that will break or turn their skin green once the deal is done? This is the stuff your senile grandma won't even touch on a good day. It's the same shit you can find at Claire's or Icing any day of the week, people. How do I know? Well, between Trish and that chick that calls herself Nicole, it's hard not to know! Why sit here and buy the ugliest jewelry on earth here for fifty bucks, when there are place where you can get it for less than five? Seriously, why entertain the designs of an equally pompous woman who could give two shits about you? Its 'cuz you are all sacred of her!"
Dante had reached his breaking point and felt like he was ready to explode before he rattled out his rant. He glanced around the room to see that everyone's mouths were agape and their eyes bulged. That's when he realized his words weren't quartered off to the deepest recess of his mind, but rather, he said them aloud.
He felt a little sheepish that he hadn't been able to contain his impulses at the moment, but he wasn't about to take back or apologize for his statements. The room sustained a few moments more of an awkward silence before Jackie spoke up, "Does anyone else feel this way?"
There were no responses from the women.
"Very well then. Nicole and Trish please leave and take that with you! You are hereby barred from further showings from Pompous Designs and our affiliates." Anger brewed under her calm exterior.
"But—" Trish tried to appeal to the woman.
"Out," Jackie cut her off with a shout.
Trish bowed her head in dismay and followed Lady and Dante out of the door.
"The party was dull anyways," Dante shouted back into the house.
"I can't believe you got us kicked out of a jewelry party of all things," Lady growled as she pressed a gun that appeared out of seemingly nowhere to Dante's head, "What's next Tupperware parties? Mary Kay?!"
"Pick a date and time," he smirked.
A shot rang out and Dante had miraculously dodged it at such close range.
"You must be getting rusty."
Lady growl and fired more shots which were all dodged.
"I did you two a favor. You should be thanking me anyways."
"Why's that," Trish looked like she was almost about to cry. She honestly looked like the kid that was told that she couldn't join the club.
"Trish, that is not the way to blend with humans in the first place. You two are way too gorgeous for those fugly-ass things. Besides, I bet deep down, Jackie is really a devil and she has their brains tucked away in a jar somewhere. After all, they are all of a hive mind."
Trish looked like she was feeling better.
"Let's go party like real humans do," Dante said as he hopped into the driver seat.
Hooray for bad experiences... There's always a silver lining.
Now, I'm gonna go play Street Fighter 4 and get my ass kicked by Ken. If I close my eyes, it almost like Dante is insulting my inability to fight. ('cuz you-know-who is his Voice actor as well.)
Anyways... reviews?