Title: Moving On
Author: Ashley
Rating: T
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Ship: JJ/Emily, Morgan/OC, and mentions of previous Reid/Morgan.
Summary: Takes place after Until We Meet Again, Morgan moves on in the fifteen months after Reid's death. The team suffers another unexpected loss. Second in my Gone series. You probably wont understand this if you haven't read the first story.
Disclaimer: On my profile.
Warnings: Character Death
Author's Notes: This is a slightly happier fic than until we meet again, but it still has a twinge of sadness to it. I'm sorry it took me so long to get it posted.
Six months after the funeral: Packing away Spencer's things
I sighed as I looked around the house, Spencer's presence still lingered in our home, and it was a house I wouldn't leave. Penelope put her hand on my bicep, and squeezed it reassuringly.
"The stuff isn't going to pack it self Sugar, we might as well get started." I nodded and walked over to the open boxes in the middle of my living room. "Do you wanna start with the books?"
I swallowed hard, knowing that today was going to be hard. I was saved the stress of answering when the door bell rang. "I'll be right back baby girl." Nodding, Penelope moving toward the book case and started pulling the books off the shelf and packing them into the boxes at her feet.
I opened the door to see JJ, Emily, and their little girl. About a month after Spencer's death they had adopted a one year little girl named Adrianna. She would be two on September twentieth, a few days after the one year anniversary of Spencer's death.
"We thought you could use some help, Penny called us and said you were packing up Spencer's things, we want to help." I smiled gratefully and let them come inside.
"Thanks so much for doing this you three, it really means a lot." They all nodded and Emily set up Adriana's playpen and put some toys in for the toddler.
"Be good so Mommy can help Uncle Derek and Aunt Penny, okay?" The little girl giggled and threw a small stuffed animal at her mother.
"Unca Der! Uppy Unca Der!" I had to laugh a little while I bent low to scoop my giggling God daughter in my arms.
"Love you Adriana, but Mommy is right, you need to be good. The sooner Aunt Penny, your Mommies and I finish this up, the sooner we can go bother Grandpa." Adriana giggled and allowed me to set her back in the playpen.
Penelope was closing a box up and writing 'Spencer's books, box one.' "Baby girl, you can leave most of those books up there, I read them from time to time." She nodded and moved the box to the middle of the room.
"The books in here were Spencer's autographed copies of Rossi's books, I figured…" I shook my head.
"I want to give them to Rossi, they're the only things I'm not keeping." Penelope nodded and she carried the books over to the door. "I figured we could start with Spencer's office." We worked hastily, only speaking when we found something that one of us didn't think should be packed away, or someone mentioned checking on Adriana.
I cried a lot as we hauled the boxes full of Spencer's things to the attic, although it didn't take long with the four of us. When we were finished with the things from Spencer's office Hotch and Gideon had joined us. We all cried again when I unearthed the scrapbooks Spencer had been making for all of us before his death.
It took over an hour to pack up all the things from our bed room. Penelope, JJ, Emily, and I cried as we talked about the professor like clothing he wore. I sat down on the bed and watched my family. When the door bell sounded again Emily got up to get it and led David and Elle in.
"Sorry Derek, we got stuck on a case." Rossi closed the box closest to him after seeing Spencer's clothes inside it.
"It's okay, we only have the spare room to pack up now, and most of that stuff is already packed." Spencer still had some things he had never finished unpacking.
Once we were completely done and I had cried all the tears I had in me I went to my night stand and pulled out the little blue velvet box that housed the engagement band I had bought for Spencer only a week before he died.
When I made my way back to the sitting room, everyone was sitting down and talking quietly, mostly everyone's eyes were red and puffy.
"I ordered pizza," Penelope muttered, before pointing to my hand. "What's that?" I sighed and opened the box, letting everyone pass it to the person beside them. The sight of the ring brought on a fresh wave of tears from the girls.
"You were going to propose to him?" I nodded as the box came back to me, I sat down beside Penelope and stared at the ring in my hands.
"I bought it the week before he died… We had a dinner reservation for that night we left for New York, but then the case came up, and we had to go." I sighed deeply, trying to compose my breathing. "I was going to ask him that night, I never got the chance to tell him that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him."
"He knew Derek, he always knew," JJ looked at me with tears in her eyes and I nodded.
As we sat around eating pizza and taking turns playing with Adriana we started talking, started telling stories about Spencer, and even though they were ones we had told and heard over a hundred times since Spencer's death we told them again anyways.
They still brought smiles to our faces, and tear filled laughter soon filled the house. We all laughed through our tears, as joyful memories were brought back to us. I dragged out a huge photo album and we flipped through the pictures, laughing at the ones that hadn't seemed funny at the time, crying at the one's that had been happy at the time, we cried for those one's because any one of us would gladly give anything to have Spencer back so we could hear his laughter again.
The last picture in the album was one of the whole team, at our fourth of July party the July before Spencer died. Every one was in it, Elle and Gideon too. Spencer's tidy scrawl captioned the picture.
"''In truth a family is what you make it. It is made strong, not by the number of heads counted at the dinner table, but by the rituals you help family members create; by the memories you share; by the commitment of time, caring, and love you show to one another; and by the hopes of the future you have as individuals and as a unit. - M. Kennedy and Janet Spencer King.'" JJ read the inscription out loud as everyone stared at the picture.
"He's right you know, we are one big family and we owe it him to keep it that way." Emily gently touched Spencer's face in the picture as Rossi spoke.
Slowly we all held up our glasses in a silent toast to Spencer.
Three Months After Packing Spencer's Things: Derek goes on his first date after Spencer's death.
I didn't know weather it was fair or not, to go out on a date when my heart so definitely belonged to Spencer, but he never would have wanted me to stop living my life.
"Derek, are you okay?" I looked over at my date, his name was Anthony. He was tall and thin, but you could see the muscles in his arms even through the long sleeved shirt he wore. We had been friends for four or five months before he had asked me out on a date.
"I'm just thinking." Anthony nodded and turned his attention back toward the road.
"So, I was thinking, we could go catch a movie and then go to the bar?" I shook my head.
"Why don't we just go to the club Ant?" Anthony nodded and pulled a u-turn, heading toward my favorite club.
The music was booming and the lights flashing. You could barely hear yourself think, so I had no idea what Anthony ordered for me to drink. I looked around, feeling a sharp pang of grief as I looked at all the happy couples.
"You're thinking about him tonight aren't you?" I turned and faced Anthony, nodding my head as there was no point in lying to him, he needed to know what he was getting himself into by dating me. Spencer would always hold my heart, and nothing would ever change.
"This is my first date since Spencer died." A slow song started playing and Anthony pulled my drink out of my hand before pulling me out onto the dance floor.
"Dance and talk to me babe." I let Anthony's arms wrap around my waist as I snaked mine around his. I put my head on his shoulder since he was the taller one. "Derek, I know that I won't ever have all of your heart, Spencer will always have it." I looked up into his eyes, shocked by the compassion I saw there.
"And I can totally sympathize with that. He was your world, he meant everything to you. You even told me yourself that you wanted to marry him." Anthony pressed a small kiss to my temple. "There's no way I can compete with that, and I'm not even going to try."
I smiled into the crook of Anthony's neck as we continued to sway side to side, even when the song changed to an upbeat one.
"I really like you Derek." Anthony had his chin on top of my head and I could feel his jaw moving as he spoke.
"I like you too, but like you said, you won't ever have my whole heart. A big part of it still belongs to Spencer." I lifted my head off his shoulder and looked into his eyes again. "And if we do… Pursue a relationship it will be slow and hard. Are you willing to deal with my nightmares? Are you will to sit there while I cry over my dead lover?" When Anthony didn't respond I nodded, confirming my point.
"Derek, I will deal with anything as long as it's with you, I've stuck by you this far haven't I?" I pressed my face closer to the inside of his neck.
"It's going to take a while, and it's not going to be easy." Anthony moved one hand off my back to my chin, lifting my face up and placing a tender kiss on my lips. My breath caught in my throat and I fought back tears of guilt.
"It'll be worth it if I can be a bigger part of your life."
"I'd like that."
When I got home that night, Anthony and I kissed by the door and said our goodnights. As soon as I was sure he was gone I rushed to my en suite bathroom and promptly threw up in the toilet. I supposed I had had one shot to many.
I climbed to my feet so I could rinse my face at the sink, I splashed the cold water on the back of my neck hoping to chase away the nausea. Sighing, and not even bothering to change into pajamas, I pulled my shirt, pants, and sock's off, before climbing into my warm bed.
My warm, empty bed. Ever since the first night that I slept here without Spencer, the bed felt empty. It hadn't felt right since. Sure I had moved from my 'side' of the bed to the middle, hoping that it would help, but it did nothing. I got new bedding, I rearranged, but nothing helped. I still slept with Spencer's pillow, but we had always fought over throwing it away or not. I thought it was too flat, that he needed a new one, he liked it just the way it was, 'thank you very damn much Derek, now give me back my pillow before I beat you with yours.'
I reached over to the night stand and grabbed the picture of Spencer that sat there. JJ had taken the picture just a few weeks before he died, taken it and sent it quickly to Penelope before he could delete it. It was a cute picture, and I loved it; He was standing in our circle behind the SWAT vans, we were all waiting for the okay to enter the building, and he was having trouble getting his vest strapped on, so I had taken myself out of formation to move behind him, and fasten the straps. There was such a peaceful look on his face, and it was in huge contrast to the gun in his hand.
"God, I miss you…" I touched his face gently in the picture, before lighting the candle on my bedside table, a prayer candle that my Momma had sent me. "I feel like I'm being unfaithful to you by dating Anthony, but I really like him. That doesn't mean I love you any less does it?" The tears I had felt welling up before started to fall down my cheeks. I swept my hand across my cheek and brought the tears away on my finger tip, but before I could reach over and put the candle out, it flickered once, and then went out. I looked around the room, but all the windows, doors, and vents were closed tightly. I smiled as I settled down for sleep.
"Love you Spencer."
Six months since Derek's first date with Anthony: The Morning After the First Time.
I woke up before Anthony, and smiled. I never thought I would get the chance to be happy again after Spencer had passed away, but Anthony had stuck by me, and after six long months I was finally ready to take that next step, and it had been wonderful.
Even though I was happy, I couldn't help but feel a small twinge of guilt as my eyes roamed over to my night stand, as they did every morning. I wondered if Anthony had noticed the tears I had shed as we made love for the first time, and if he did, would he understand?
For fifteen months, I hadn't been with anyone, and it was like I was breaking that connection off with Spencer, taking that away from him. "Hey, you okay?" I snapped out of the daze I was in and met Anthony's crystal clear green eyes. I realized I had been staring at Spencer's picture with a dazed look.
"I'm fine baby," I wrapped my arms around Anthony, and pulled him close to me. "Last night was…"
"Amazing?" I chuckled and nodded, squeezing him tighter against me. "I understand, you know? Why you were crying…" I sighed, one of the things I loved about Anthony was the fact that he completely understood he would never have my full heart, that Spencer would always have a part of it.
"I was kind of hoping you hadn't noticed…" Anthony turned on his side, so he was facing me.
"I did notice, and I understand Derek, you love him and you let a part of him go last night when you made love to me." Pressing a gentle kiss to my forehead, he continued, "And if I didn't want to deal with that, then I wouldn't be here." I smiled and pressed my forehead against Anthony's.
"Thank you, for dealing with this… I don't know many people that-" I was cut off by my ringing phone, I sighed and reached over Anthony to grab it.
"Morgan."
"Morgan… It's JJ, you need to get to the hospital right now." I could hear the panic in her voice and I jumped out of the bed, reaching for my pants and pulling them on over my boxers quickly.
"What's wrong? Is something wrong with Adrianna? Is Em okay?!"
"Derek, chill out. Emily and Adrianna are fine, but you really need to get down here, Gideon had a heart attack, and they don't think he's going to make it much longer." I sighed and grabbed a shirt, throwing it to Anthony before picking mine up.
"Alright, I'll be there in ten minutes." I shut my phone and pulled my shirt over my head before grabbing my gun and creds, holstering my glock, and shoving my credentials into my pocket.
Anthony was already dressed and handed me my keys. "Are you coming with me or not?"
"If you want me too, then yeah." I hugged him before running toward the front door.
Anthony meets the team for the first time.
Garcia pulled me into a tight hug, before looking at Anthony. "Who's this, hot stuff?" Anthony blushed slightly and held out a hand.
"That's Anthony, my boyfriend." JJ and Emily came up, hugging me and shaking Anthony's hand. Rossi and Elle also walked up moments later and greeted Anthony. Rossi looked at me with too much understanding in his eyes, and I nodded slightly.
We all chatted aimlessly for over a hour, passing Adrianna around the circle. She really seemed taken with Anthony. We were hoping for the best, until Hotch walked out, with a very depressed look on his face, and his hand on top of his head.
I stood up, Adrianna on my hip and stared at him. "No!"
"I'm sorry guys, but he's gone… There wasn't anything they could do." I turned into Anthony's arms and buried my face in his neck. Elle made a sound somewhere between a sob and a strangled yell and I heard Rossi comforting her. Garcia went up to Hotch and threw her arms around him, crying freely, Hotch wrapped his arms around her tightly. JJ gasped, and Emily sniffled quietly.
After a few minutes we all looked at each other, and soon I was inside a massive group hug, all of us holding on tightly to one another, until Hotch finally spoke up: "Whatever happens, we go through it as a family, together. Jason's gone, but that's the way he would have wanted it." We all nodded and agreed, before parting ways for the night.
I barely made it to the bedroom, before I jumped on Anthony, I needed an outlet for what I was feeling, I needed to let go, I needed to forget my own name.
I needed to move on.