Chapter 1: A Declaration of War
It seems to be a normal day at St. Trinian's…The first-years are having shooting practice on the front lawn – their target is Miss Dickinson, the new English teacher, of course. In foreign language class, Miss Maupassant uses the shell-shocked yet ecstatic Bursar as a prop as she teaches the girls how to proposition a man in French. "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" intone the girls dutifully. Beverly's jamming out at the front desk, blissfully unaware of the emos, who have skipped class and are now seated in a tight circle on the floor, holding hands and chanting something suspiciously depraved-sounding.
But in a single instant, the relative calm is shattered.
"Anyone seen Kelly?" screeches Tania, dashing through the third-floor corridor at breakneck speed, her twin sister on her tail. The devious ten-year-old duo has just exited the luxurious boudoir of the Posh Totties, where just a few seconds ago, they received some shocking news.
"Kelly! Kelly!" echoes Tara, as St. Trinian's most notorious criminal minds race through the halls, occasionally tripping on their Mary Janes. "Oh, bloody hell, how are we going to find her?" she gasps to her sister.
Tania shrugs wildly, tossing a thin blonde plait over her shoulder. "I don't know, she's got to be around here somewhere…" she pants, but then stops short as the realisation comes to her. "Well…"
"…come to think of it…" Tara continues.
"…who really knows what Kelly does all day, anyway?" Tania finishes their train of thought. "I mean, it's not as if she actually takes classes –"
Both twins burst into raucous laughter at the thought of the unflappable, sophisticated Head Girl actually setting foot in something so foolish and time-wasting as a 'class.' Really, none of the girls at St. Trinian's would bother with the stupid things if their teachers didn't want to ensure that their payroll kept coming in.
"It's gonna be impossible to find Kell until later," Tara remarks. "I'm pretty sure she'll lay low until classes are over."
Tania sighs in envy. "We need to ask her for lessons in evasion and undercover hiding," she says dreamily, as both girls make mental notes to bother their number one idol about her evasive skills later.
"Boy, is she gonna be in for a surprise," Tara says, green eyes wide.
"I know!" Tania says wildly. "This should be an interesting night."
"Well, where to now?" Tara asks mischievously. The twins look at each other as identical wicked grins slowly slide across their seemingly-angelic faces.
"Bomb tests!" they shriek simultaneously, pushing each other out of the way to dabble in their favourite hobby: explosives and heavy artillery.
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"Chels," asks Chloe curiously. "Is that a new push-up bra?"
Chelsea Parker glares at her pretty, blonde friend (though, of course, not as blonde and pretty as she is). Chelsea, Chloe, and their best friend Peaches are lounging in their fluffy boudoir, where the twins had been not two minutes ago.
Chloe has the decency to look at least slightly abashed. "Sorry, it's just that I have one like it, but mine's not nearly as lacy, and Rogelio always told me that he liked the lacy ones –"
"Chloe!" Chelsea yells exasperatedly. "Today is THE biggest day of our lives! Well, save for that time we met with JJ French…"
Peaches pipes up helpfully, "…and that time Agent Provocateur released their new thong line!" Chloe nods excitedly, confirming this.
"True," Chelsea nods, smiling over at Peaches. "So today is the THIRD biggest day of our lives, seriously, and all you can think about is whether or not this is a new push-up bra?!" Chloe's eyes widen, hurt. "Which it is," she adds in a conspiratorial undertone, causing Chloe to preen proudly for noticing.
From her chaise lounge in the corner, Peaches nods, agreeing. "Chelsea's right. Honestly, girls, I still can hardly believe the news myself."
"Well, we know that," Chloe giggled. "You only screamed, 'Oh my god, I don't believe you!' about fifty times while you were on the phone with…what was that one's name again?"
Peaches scowls at the most airheaded member of their glamorous coterie. "Aidan," she reminds Chloe, annoyed. "Honestly, Chlo, you could at least remember the name of the boy who told us the absolute BEST NEWS OF OUR LIVES!" At this, all the girls jump up and start bouncing around the room again, much in the same manner that they had when Peaches' former boyfriend, Aidan, had revealed the information to her on her mobile.
"Oh, my God," the three gorgeous girls all mime together. They've just received the news of a lifetime – meaning that their lives will never be the same again, but in an absolutely fab way, of course!
Chloe toasts her ever-present champagne flute with Peaches'. "Yay!" Peaches cries, too excited to even take a drink. "I still can't believe that bo –"
"Shh!" Chelsea squeals, before the raven-haired beauty can finish her sentence. "Don't jinx it. We're not going to breathe a word about…them…again, until we know that the twins have told Kelly."
Peaches nods grimly. "Oh, god, Chels, you're so right. We totally don't want anyone else finding out about this."
"Wait, why not?" Chloe asks, confused, tilting her heavily-made-up head to the side.
Chelsea explains patiently, "Because, silly, we can't let any of those other bitches move in on our territory!"
At this, all three coquettes begin bouncing up and down again in excitement and anticipation. Their sex line can wait – they're much too happy at the moment to even think of business.
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Polly looks forbiddingly grim as she rapidly punches the keys on her state-of-the-art laptop. The geeky redhead is seated at her high-tech desk in the dormitory after classes, with her close band of geeks gathered around her, making notes and adjusting various technological instruments. Classes have finished for the day, the stars are twinkling merrily in the dark sky, and some of the other girls in the dorm are seated haphazardly nearby – on the floor, on someone's bed, on the ceiling rafters – you know, the usual spots for repose.
"Harriet, get me the specs on the targets!" Polly barks, inclining her head to the timid girl on her left, but not daring to look, for fear she'd lose focus on the figures she was expeditiously entering in on her keyboard.
"Already done, Poll, they're printing now," murmurs Harriet in hushed tones – she's naturally shy and hates to raise her voice much above a whisper.
"Ugh!" cries Taylor, flicking her matted hair extensions out of her eyes and kicking a tiny first-year seated on the ground below her in frustration. "Why can't you geeks just tell us what's going on?"
Polly rolls her eyes. The chavs, emos, and loads of other cliques had been hounding her for hours about what she and her friends were working on so diligently. The first-years are no help either – the titchy hooligans are throwing balloons filled with sulfuric acid at each other over her head!
"Oi! First-years!" Polly screeches. "Kindly cease and desist, H2SO4 can do serious damage to these computers!"
Lucy, one of the more troublemaking little girls, looks at Polly as if she's crazy. "H2SO4? We don't even know what that is! This is sulfuric acid, dummy!" And the fight continues.
Polly sighs exasperatedly. She turns back to the aggressive and annoyingly persistent chav in front of her. "Taylor, you know I can't divulge any of this confidential info. Strict orders from Kelly."
Pouting, Taylor whines, "Why can't Kelly tell us, too? I mean, I could probably be loads of help!"
Nearby, Andrea snorts. "Oh, please, what could you do – give us fake nails?" Her band of emos chortles appreciatively.
Taylor springs up from her seat on a bed, growling furiously. "Shut it, Morticia, I'd be a way better help than you, at least!" She looks as though she's about to go pummel Andrea, but the other chavs hold her back, with no small effort.
"Shut it, girls!" comes a clear voice. All of St. Trinian's finest turn their heads to a bed shoved in the corner, where a lone figure dressed in a white nightdress rises and slowly makes its way toward them.
Annabelle Fritton comes into view, shaking her wild brunette curls out of her eyes. She had been new to St. Trinian's only a few weeks ago, but after her role in the successful Heist the girls had pulled off recently in order to save their beloved school from bankruptcy, Annabelle had become well-respected among her classmates.
Annabelle takes a deep breath. "Okay, I don't really know what's going on, but obviously we're in the middle of a crisis situation. Look at the geeks," she gestures at Polly and co. "Kelly's got them working overtime, even for them, and they do homework for nineteen hours every day." At this, Polly, Harriet, and their chums nodded furiously. "Clearly, something very big is happening."
"You're sooo right, Annabelle!" trills Chloe as the alluring Posh Totties flounce their way into the dorms, clearly returning from their private boudoir. Her two cohorts are madly giggling behind her, with Peaches looking over Chelsea's shoulder as she texts on her mobile.
Annabelle looks slightly shocked to be told that she's right for once. "I…I am?" she questions, dazed. She's still getting used to her new status as one of St. Trinian's It Girls.
"Totally!" responds Chloe. "Something really, hugely big is happening!"
At this, Chelsea and Peaches look up, finally registering that there is an intense conversation taking place in the room. "Chlo," Chelsea warns, "be careful."
"I know, I know," Chloe wags her hand at her best friend. "I won't say anything."
Taylor jumps up once again, visibly affronted. "Bloody hell! How do even the Totties know about this before us?!"
For once, Andrea can agree with her enemy. "Really, I mean, Peaches once asked me how to spell the word 'peach.'"
Every single girl, aged ten to seventeen, whips her head around to look at Peaches, amazed.
"What?" giggles Peaches. "I wanted to order Topshop's new peach-scented perfume!"
Andrea and Polly simply shake their heads. Some girls will never get a clue.
All of a sudden, the lights in the room dim and heart-pumping music begins to softly play. The gaggle of girls scattered around the large dormitory shiver in anticipation, as they gather nearer to Polly's desk.
Two identical, tiny shadows appear in the doorway, and then Tara and Tania are sauntering in, decked out in identical midnight black suits and sunglasses. Directly behind her pair of midget bodyguards comes the one, the only, the great Kelly Jones, St. Trinian's renowned Head Girl.
A hush falls over the room, all of the normally rambunctious girls struck silent, as they always are, by the presence of their formidable leader. With the blonde twins sauntering purposefully in front of her, Kelly glides to the front of the room, her pencil-skirt-clad hips swaying confidently and leaving speechless younger girls in her wake.
"Girls," Kelly utters in a low voice. She doesn't need to speak loudly – everyone is always listening to her, no matter what. She is always captivating, the centre of attention.
Signalling to Tara and Tania, who walk over to Polly and consult with her in hushed tones, Kelly continues her speech from her bloodred lips. "As you've all gathered, something major is about to happen at St. Trinian's." The girls seated before her all nod to each other, excited that they're finally going to learn what is transpiring. Kelly continues. "Our lives are all about to change."
The girls of St. Trinian's turn to their friends in suspense, tittering loudly, speculating on what could possibly be the big news. They're silenced when Kelly lets out a whistle.
"As I was saying," she says, looking at her audience reproachfully, and it's admirable how she can invoke the same ashamed look on so many different faces simultaneously. "Our lives are all about to change…but not in a good way."
Taylor lets out an anticipatory groan. "But what is it? Why can't someone just spill the beans already! We're all dying here, Kell."
"Well, we know," Chelsea brags, smoothing her luscious curls and sharing a sly grin with Peaches and Chloe.
The twins shove their chins up in the air. "Us too!" they say together.
The geeks are nodding over in the corner. Taylor and the rest of the chavs groan. "Well, someone tell us already!"
Kelly clears her throat. "I have to warn you, girls, this is probably worse than you can even imagine." All of the students lean forward, their mouths open in suspense.
"St. Trinian's is opening its doors to boys."
There is a long pause, and then a cacophony so loud that it wouldn't even be noticeable if the twins had set off one of their hydrogen bombs. Emos are hugging geeks, chavs are jumping up and down hand-in-hand with trustafarians, and all of the girls are screaming and shouting jubilantly at the tops of their lungs.
"Oi!" Kelly shouts. The girls immediately quiet down, although most retain their elated grins. Chelsea, Peaches, and Chloe are doing some sort of celebratory provocative dance in the corner, but they stop once Kelly glances sharply at them.
"This is nothing to celebrate!" Kelly continues severely. "Don't you all realise what St. Trinian's becoming a mixed school means? These boys are going to absolutely take over!"
Most of the girls still look confused, so she tries to put the news into terms they can understand. "Chavs, you like being able to trudge around here in those…er…extremely bright tracksuits, don't you?" Taylor and her friends nod in affirmation. "Well, you're going to have to be spending hours more time each morning getting ready and finding sexier clothes – and you thought three hours getting your hair extensions in and painting your nails each day was long!" The chavs look suitably crushed.
"Geeks, you know you're uncontestedly the smartest bunch in the school, right?" They smirk, knowing that what Kelly says is true. "Well, these boys are going to waltz in here and push you out of your top spots! Polly, you're top in maths?" Polly nods, confirming this fact. "Not anymore – you're going to have some unforeseen competition, and trust me, they're going to be ruthless."
Kelly continues her tirade. "Tania, Tara, you girls like being co-presidents of the Modern Weaponry Association, don't you?" The twins nod excitedly. "You really think the blokes will let two ten-year-old girls run the weapons club? You'll be booted out faster than you can say, 'Freudian phallic complex.'" The twins look gutted.
Kelly's speaking to all of the girls now. "Every single one of you is going to be affected in a negative way by the arrival of Havisham School for Boys. Right now, our days are perfect – we're in charge, and all the staff knows it. These boys are going to take our power, tear friendships apart, and you're going to be regretting this day loads in a week or so."
By this point, all of the girls, save for the Posh Totties, look suitably gutted.
Annabelle speaks up. "But Kelly, why are there boys coming, anyway?"
Kelly purses her lipsticked lips. "One of Miss Fritton's former suitors – a Leopald Havisham – is the Headmaster of Havisham School. Apparently, St. Trinian's hasn't been the only boarding school having financial difficulties as of late. But unlike us, the Havisham boys are evidently complete idiots – they didn't pull off a word-class heist, steal a priceless painting, pull a complex switch, and save their school from foreclosure!" At the mention of The Heist, all of the girls cheer. They are still basking in the glory of their formidable accomplishment.
"So now their school is closing, and of course, Miss Fritton is too nice to say no to an old beau. I just don't think she realises yet how much trouble these boys are bound to cause!"
Chelsea looks confused (not an unusual occurrence). "But Kelly, I think having the boys here will be fun! Now we can have boyfriends in every class, not just slip away on the weekends to see them or sneak them in here at night!" Peaches and Chloe, along with the younger girls who fancy themselves Posh Totties-in-training, let out a chorus of affirmations.
Annabelle turns to the gorgeous coterie in the corner. "Just like you said, Chelsea, you girls find a way to see boys practically every day anyway. We don't need them actually going here to have boyfriends. What Kelly means is that St. Trinian's right now is one of the only places in the world where girls reign supreme – with the boys here, the patriarchal establishment will take over once again." She takes a deep breath, then her cheeks flood with the embarrassment of realising she has just practically yelled in front of the entire dormitory and given a rousing oration. "Erm, right?"
Smiling proudly, Kelly nods. "Right. Nicely said, Fritton." Annabelle grins, relieved. Kelly turns to the rest of the girls.
"This isn't about boyfriends and snogging," Kelly proclaims. "This is about pride, dignity, and a defence of anarchy."
Tania and Tara look up at their mentor. "So," Tania starts.
"In other words," Tara continues.
"This means war?" the two twins ask hopefully, evil grins beginning to develop on their phonily-cherubic faces.
Kelly smirks. "Too right." She signals to Polly and the geeks to continue their battle preparations. "We're going to make these boys wish they'd never been born."
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A/N: Just a little idea I cooked up today. Be darlings and review, won't you? It's a chain reaction – you review, I update! Thank you for reading!