Warnings: No Happy Ending
Tropes: AU – Muggle, Angst, Epistolary
Original Release Date: 07 Oct 2018
Square: B4 - love letters
There were only a few things that were returned to Steve after he came out of the ice. One of which was a document box from the Smithsonian. The label was ambiguous, probably corresponding to an internal sorting system, but inside was a stack of yellowed letters dating from '43 to '45. Half were addressed to "my best girl Hermione" while the others were written to "my Darling Bucky."
Steve had had to set the box aside. He couldn't bring himself to read them when he first received them. To him, Bucky had only recently fallen from the train, had just slipped from his hand. Seeing the age of the letters in the tint of the paper was too much. It would be too distancing.
Six months later after the battle of New York, as Steve was packing his apartment in preparation for his move to DC to work with SHIELD, he found the box of letters again. He checked his watch, even though he knew he had time, and sat down at the table with them. Maybe they would help him feel less alone. He sorted them by date and started at the beginning.
My Darling Bucky,
I know you wouldn't have even got off the boat yet, and I don't have an address for you, but I have to share this news with you. Steve was given a 1A last night. He started packing this morning and told me that he was going to follow you. Why did you lie to him about where you were headed? Not that he'll have any choice in where he goes, of course, but... Oh Bucky, It was all I could do to hold my tongue. If you told him that, I couldn't correct him, but now he's gone. Already boarded a train to basic and I can't say a thing. The flat is so quiet without the two of you. I miss you so much already. Even more than I did when you went away for basic. I hope the war is won soon so you can come home to me.
Your Sweetheart,
Hermione Barnes
Steve hadn't ever realized that Bucky had lied. He'd said he was shipping off to England. Had he instead gone to Africa? He supposed that made sense looking back on it now though he didn't understand why Bucky would have lied. To ease Steve's worry?
He rubbed the back of his hand along the stubble on his chin. Hermione. He'd cared about Bucky's wife, sure, but he'd been so determined to do his part in the war that he'd never thought about how she would fair with both of them gone.
My Best Girl Hermione,
We've made landfall. I was expecting it to be much hotter than home here but it's about the same really. The city here doesn't feel or sound or smell anything like home, though. They've got palm trees. I love you, sweetheart.
Yours,
Bucky Barnes
My Darling Bucky,
I stopped by your parents' house for a visit and to tell them that Steve had enlisted and shipped off to basic. Your mum asked whether I needed help around the house and mentioned sending along Becca to spend the night and keep me company. I might take her up on it. Becca herself is a bit downtrodden. She wanted to know why Steve didn't come tell her goodbye. It seems her crush is still going strong. Poor girl, I don't think Steve ever even noticed her pining looks at family dinners. We all miss you so much.
Your Sweetheart,
Hermione Barnes
Steve had a smile on his face. He hadn't ever noticed Becca being sweet on him. She'd just been a baby when he'd met Bucky and he'd always thought of all of Bucky's sisters as his own. He set the letter down and tried to think of Becca as he'd seen her last. Vivacious and bubbly at sixteen, charming like Bucky but a streak of fierce independence a mile wide. He wondered what had happened to her. He supposed he'd have to look up both Becca and Hermione when he got settled in DC.
My Best Girl Hermione,
I lied to Steve for the same reason I would have lied to you if I could have. To ease your worry. I hope he takes care of himself. I had truly hoped they wouldn't take him. Then he could have been there to take care of you (and...?). He would have been safe. I miss you already too, doll.
Yours,
Bucky Barnes
My Darling Bucky,
I'm sorry, my love. There is no And. It didn't happen this time either. I know how much you wanted this and you know I did too but I can't help but think that with Steve gone too, this might be a blessing. I don't know how I would have faired all alone had it happened. I bet your mum would have insisted Becca move in permanently to help. Not that I would have minded. Becca's the sort of girl who can't let anyone stay sad for long. I miss you so much.
Your Sweetheart,
Hermione Barnes
Steve set the letter down more carefully than the previous one. He hadn't realized they'd wanted a family. He should have known something like that, shouldn't he? He'd been... He shook his head. It was too late now to worry about it. Much too late.
My Best Girl Hermione,
That's hard news to hear, doll, but I think I agree with you. I know my parents would take care of you but without Steve there... it feels like a big mess. This wasn't how we thought things would go, huh? But I'm safe and you're okay. And maybe we can try again sometime soon. Tell Becca and mom to write, will ya? I love you.
Yours,
Bucky Barnes
My Darling Bucky,
Becca and I went to the cinema the other day. The newsreels about the war before the movie always sound so hopeful but as I'm writing this, late at night after Becca's gone to bed, I can't help but feel like you're never going to come home to me. I worry for you so much, Bucky. I know I shouldn't burden you with my fears but I can't share them with Becca. I feel like she's too pure and I'd contaminate her hope if I voice my worries to her. She'll be going back home tomorrow as school starts soon. I'll miss her, of course, but not as much as I miss you.
Your Sweetheart,
Hermione Barnes
PS: I still have yet to get a letter from Steve. I'm worried.
Steve looked at the date. He would have been on a train headed back from California at that point. Writing to Hermione hadn't even crossed his mind. He'd been so busy and more than a little embarrassed by all the attention he was receiving, all the ogling and gawking from star-struck soldiers' sweethearts and enthusiastic kids. He should have sent her at least one letter.
My Best Girl Hermione,
I don't have much time to write but I will try to get in a few words. Try not to worry about Steve. He's probably so exhausted from training and studying that he wouldn't even think about putting pen to paper to compose a letter. If he's found himself pen and paper, he's probably doodling all over it. You know how he is. I love you with everything that I am. I've got to go.
Yours,
Bucky Barnes
My Darling Bucky,
Sally-Anne went with me to a USO show. The music was fun and lively. I didn't get a chance to get an autograph or photo with Captain America but I wanted to. Sally-Anne was gushing about him for days after we saw the show. He picked up an entire motorbike with girls riding it! Or, they made it seem like he did. I think it was a theatre trick of some sort. I don't even think the Strongman at Coney Island could perform such feats. I miss you more with every passing day. I love you, stay safe.
Your Sweetheart,
Hermione Barnes
Steve found himself grinning. All the USO shows blended together after a while, even with his near eidetic memory but he remembered well all the ridiculous 'feats of strength' they had him perform. He almost wished lifting that motorcycle every night was a theater trick. He was always so worried he was going to drop one of the girls.
My Darling Bucky,
I haven't heard from you in over two weeks and I'm worried. I probably shouldn't worry, right? There have been hiccups in the mail system before according to some of the other wives at the dance hall but that was before V-mail. Oh, please, my love be safe and come home to me.
Your Sweetheart,
Hermione Barnes
My Darling Bucky,
I don't know why I'm writing this, I got a telegram saying you were being held as a prisoner of war but I don't know what else to do but write. Oh my love, I'm so terrified for you. It's all I can do to keep working and focusing on doing my part day-to-day. My boss at the factory almost sent me home the day after I received the telegram because I broke down in tears so often. Your parents have offered again for me to stay with them but I can't bear thinking about being away from home. All my thoughts and prayers are with you, Bucky.
Your Sweetheart,
Hermione Barnes
My Best Girl Hermione,
Don't worry about me, doll. Captain America saved me, can you believe it? I'm back with my unit now and things are getting changed up but know that I'm safe. I'm okay. I know why Steve never wrote you a letter now. He was doing USO tours. I know this letter probably isn't making much sense but I just need you to know that I'm safe. I'm healthy and whole. Everything will be just fine now, you'll see. You have my heart and soul, Hermione, keep them safe for me, won't you doll?
All my love,
Bucky Barnes
Steve swallowed and set the letter down in his read pile. He could remember how terrified he'd been when he'd learned that most of the 107th had been killed or captured. Thinking about how Hermione must have felt, stuck thousands of miles away and unable to do anything but pray and worry and keep living made the feeling of incompetence flare back up in his chest. At least he'd been able to do something at the time.
He got up and fixed himself a glass of water and stood at the window while he drank it. There wasn't anything he could do for the Hermione in the letters, aside from what he had already done. Knowing what was going to come for them made him almost want to stop reading and tuck them away again... but he also felt like he should read on. Bucky had been his best friend. He and Hermione had been his family. He felt like reading the rest of their story would honour Bucky's love for Hermione somehow. He rinsed the glass, set it in the drainer, and returned to the stack of letters.
My Best Girl Hermione,
I miss the heat of your body against mine at night. I miss the way your kisses would leave me breathless. I miss how you would hold my hand and tell me everything would be all right. I miss I miss I miss. I shouldn't tell you how much I miss you, it just makes us both miserable, but its the truth. I may not be able to tell you much truth regarding what I'm doing and who I'm working with (I can tell you Steve is here) but I can't tell you the truth of anything else. I miss you. I love you. I miss how soft your hands are when you touch me. I miss how your eyes would flutter after a thorough kiss, how I could make you shudder with a caress. I miss everything about you.
All my love,
Bucky Barnes
PS: So it's not poetry or nothin but it's as close to a love letter as I could make it. I love you, Hermione.
My Darling Bucky,
I sigh as I think about your touch. The way you'd caress my breasts, my body. In the quiet and the dark of our empty flat, I can recreate you with my memories. Every touch, every gust of wind from the window a breath, a sigh. You're here in my heart, you're here in my soul, you're here in me. I can close my eyes and imagine you close, bring myself closer. Then... then... we sigh. Oh, how I long for you. I yearn and the feelings pull tight in my groin, in my stomach, in my chest. I need you. I miss you desperately. If you could take flight, sprout wings and fly, fly to me, come to me and come. I need you. With every throbbing beat, every step in this dance. I can dance alone but it's not the same as with you. Come home to me soon, my love. I need to dance this dance with you.
Your Sweetheart,
Hermione Barnes
PS: Did you want a love letter?
Steve set the letter down and let his blush fade. He hadn't expected that.
My Best Girl Hermione,
I bow to your mastery. I'm torn with keeping that letter in my pocket so it's with me always or keeping it in my pack, hidden so no one might ever see it but me, so I can keep what's between us private. Though I know the mail gets read by the army. Knowing that, I blush every time I think about your letter but damn, doll. Steve had to pour water on my head to cool me down after reading it. He was worried when I got so red in the face, ha ha. I'm sorry my letters are coming less often. The things we're doing... we're moving around a lot. We're busy. I can't say much more. I love you, carry my soul with you, Hermione. Keep it safe.
All my love,
Bucky Barnes
My Darling Bucky,
There was a small party for Christmas at the factory. Many of us whose husbands are on the war front got together for a meal. Someone snuck in a bottle and then there was a lot of laughing. We danced. If I closed my eyes I could almost imagine you were just in another room talking and joking with the other husbands. I tried not to close my eyes because it hurt too much. Becca was the star of the Christmas play at her school. She did so well. Afterwards, she complained about how she had to kiss the lead actor but I've noticed she looks at him with doe eyes. Maybe her crush on Steve is gone? I don't know. You are my everything, Bucky, come home to me soon. I love you.
Merry Christmas,
Hermione Barnes
My Darling Bucky,
Your mum gave me a new quilt for our bed. It's lovely. It's blue and cream. With the extra bits of fabric she made a smaller matching one... for when you come home and we can start our family. I couldn't bring myself to tell her how we'd been trying for months before you were drafted. I'm sorry I'm so maudlin, the cold New York winter draws the heat from everything. In the summer, when the flat gets hot, I can put the pillows on our bed at my back and imagine you there but in the winter I can't make the illusion work. The newsreels say things are looking up. I sure hope they're true.
Your Sweetheart,
Hermione Barnes
My Darling Bucky,
I haven't heard from you in some time but I saw you and Captain America in one of the newsreels! I couldn't believe it when I did. I even snuck back into the theatre twice more to watch it again just to make sure. I can understand better how you're so busy helping out Captain America. Maybe you're in such danger that you can't write but know that I'm thinking of you. I think of you and pray for you every day. I miss you so.
Your Sweetheart,
Hermione Barnes
PS: The tree in the park where you carved our initials has the first new leaves of spring. It gives me hope.
My Best Girl Hermione,
[Redacted] is so strong. I can tell you now that the feats of strength you saw Captain America perform were all real. No theater tricks. He's rather amazing... but then you knew that. We both knew that before he ever became Captain America. I don't know why you haven't been getting my letters, doll. I promise I've been writing. I'll tell you again, though all the things I said before. Good on Becca for getting over Steve. I'd have hated to know she was feeling down when she found out he had a sweetheart. If it hurts you too much, hide the baby blanket in the chest at the foot of the bed. I truly believe we'll have use for it eventually. I miss you. I'm sorry again that you haven't been receiving my letters, I promise I've still been writing.
All my love,
Bucky Barnes
Had Steve been the reason Bucky's letters weren't being delivered? He'd spoken too much about Captain America, about Steve, and the army chose to redact the entire thing rather than black out the classified bits? He took a moment to rub at his gritty eyes, upset that the army had deemed his existence so classified that Bucky talking about him was enough to stop communication to his wife.
My Darling Bucky,
Oh, thank God you're all right at least. I visited your parents for the Easter holiday and Becca was so excited to show off her newest Captain America comic. Do you know why? Because Captain America has a 'sidekick' – a little boy named Bucky! It's absolutely adorable to me. You've got a comic book character named after you! It would be more fun if the violence in the books weren't a reflection of real life, of course, and you were here with me. At least it gives me a smile to see it. I miss you, my love.
Your Sweetheart,
Hermione Barnes
Steve noticed that there was a large gap between this letter and the next, almost five months of letters were missing.
My Best Girl Hermione,
I've only got a few minutes to write so I've got to be quick. I don't know what to tell you, doll. All I can suggest is to support Sally-Anne as best you can. It's a sad fact that plenty of men would take advantage of a girl feeling low because her best guy is off fighting the war. I trust that you won't be like those high-and-mighty dames at church. She's your friend, she needs help. It's not solely her fault she's in the trouble she's in, you know what I mean? Anyway, I love you. You've got my heart, keep it safe for me.
All my love,
Bucky Barnes
My Darling Bucky,
Oh, it's horrible! The tenement your family lives in burnt down! The entire block burnt. Your family is fine but everything they had is gone. I thank God every night that they are safe – your dad does have a bit of a cough but other than that he's fine. It's been a mess but I've invited them to stay in our home, of course. Trudy has decided she'd rather stay at a woman's boarding home further in the city. It's closer to her job, she says, but I think it's because she's scared our tenement building will burn down too. I don't blame her. I've been double and triple checking the stove and going through the flat to make sure all the cigarettes are outened before bed every night. It's rather ridiculous really, I want you home now more than ever. As if your being here would make us safer somehow. It would at least give me peace of mind.
Your Sweetheart,
Hermione Barnes
Steve remembered when Bucky got this letter. Remembered how he had had to walk away from camp. How he'd punched a tree hard enough that it cracked so loudly Jim on patrol thought there were enemy scouts nearby. How it had fallen later that night right through the middle of camp, scaring the shit out of everybody. Bucky had brushed it off, saying the tree he'd punched had been a different one and the one that fell was probably just dead and would have come down with a good gust of wind. It wasn't until they were on the road the next day that Bucky had explained what had made him so upset.
My Best Girl Hermione,
I'm glad everyone is okay. I'm glad you opened our home to my family. I know how having the house full is probably a big change for you. The noise of four more people in the house when you're used to the quiet has got to be difficult. It was the same in reverse for me when we got married. Going from a house of six down to two (before we invited Steve) was weird. It was so quiet. Thank you. You're my wife and they aren't your family really but it means a lot to me that you are giving them shelter.
All my love,
Bucky Barnes
My Darling Bucky,
They are my family too! It's not a hardship to have given them a home. It is a change but not a hardship. Your mother's teaching me how to knit! Not that we have a lot of wool to work with but when we do, she's teaching me. I've made a pair of socks. They're a little lopsided but they keep my feet warm. I can't believe it's autumn already. The trees have already started to change colours. It feels like you've been gone so long, my love. I miss you.
Your Sweetheart,
Hermione Barnes
My Best Girl Hermione,
As of writing this letter, it's been a year and five months since I shipped out but it feels like much longer. I suppose if you count basic and being on base before shipping out, it's been a little over two years, huh? We're going to be okay, though. The unit I'm with is making an impact. Steve is doing great, by the way, it's like he was born to do this. I always knew he'd make a difference one day but I never thought it'd be like this.
All my love,
Bucky Barnes
My Darling Bucky,
I'm glad to know Steve's okay. I've written to him a few times but he never writes back. I know you are busy so I don't take it to heart. Tell him he's in my thoughts and prayers (almost) as much as you are. The tree with our initials on it was struck by lightning last week, split it right to the ground. Our carving is intact but there's talk around about cutting it down. I'm tempted to go down there if they do it and see if I can't get them to give me the part that you carved. I think your dad could hang it on the wall for us. I love you and miss you so.
Your Sweetheart,
Hermione Barnes
My Best Girl Hermione,
That's sad about the tree. I know how silly it was of me to say it represented our love, how it would be there forever. Nothing is forever, really, nothing we can touch. But I'd like to imagine that even after we're gone our love will last somehow. You keep my heart and soul, sweetheart. I love you.
All my love,
Bucky Barnes
My Darling Bucky,
Christmas this year was swell. Between your mum and me, we were able to scrape together enough rations to make pumpkin bread. I think it's the sweetest thing I've tasted in a year. I wish you could have had some. You should be terribly proud of your youngest sister, Bucky. She's a hero. The pond at the park froze over the other day. I went ice skating with Becca and some of her friends. There were children of all ages out having fun but then we heard a horrible cracking sound and the ice broke. A little boy fell into the water. I'd already taken off my skates but Becca hadn't and she just raced out to the edge and dropped to her knees and snatched him up despite the danger of falling in herself. She saved that little boy. She's so brave and I know she gets that bravery from you and Steve. Speaking of Steve, we've all been writing to him – your mum, Becca, and I – but he never writes back. Can you ask him if he's even getting them? I miss you with every fibre of my being. I love you. Forever. Our love will last, Bucky Barnes, I know it.
Your Sweetheart,
Hermione Barnes
PS: Merry Christmas, love.
Steve hadn't received any letters when he was in Europe. At all. From anyone. Had all of his mail been considered fan-mail for Captain America and discarded? It might be sixty-some-odd years too late but he wanted to read them if they still existed. He supposed he'd have to ask the archivist at the Smithsonian.
My Best Girl Hermione,
Merry Christmas to you too. I told Becca in my most recent letter but I'll tell you as well. I AM proud of her. I've always been proud of her and this most recent example of her bravery and spirit just amplifies it. She, like Steve I think, is goodness and happiness personified and I hope she keeps it through all the days of her life. The winter is cold here, doll, colder than I can ever remember New York being. About the only time I feel warm is when I get your letters from home. They fill me up with a warmth the fire and the wools and the coats just can't match.Things are No, I don't think Steve has been getting any mail. Something about I'll ask him about it and I'll tell him you all send your love too, because I know you do. You've got my heart, keep it warm for me and I'll keep it beating.
All my love,
Bucky Barnes
My Darling Bucky,
I'm glad you and Steve are together and taking care of one another. The winter here feels colder than last year but I suppose it might be in my head. I at least have a warm home to return to at the end of the day. I donated five pairs of knitted socks for soldiers last week. I have no illusions that they'll ever make it to you but doing so made me feel useful beyond my job at the factory like I'm directly helping you and the war effort. I love you.
Your Sweetheart,
Hermione Barnes
My Darling Bucky,
Sally-Anne had a baby girl! I got to hold her when they came home from hospital. She's an adorable, tiny thing with blue eyes and dark hair, though your mum says it's likely her eyes will get dark and her hair light. Isn't it strange how that happens? I must confess that holding Sally-Anne's baby did reignite my desire for a child with you and I can only pray that this war ends soon so you can come home to me. I miss you, Bucky. I've got your heart, as you've got mine. We'll keep them beating together.
Your Sweetheart,
Hermione Barnes
Steve set the letter down and glanced at the last few things in the box. He closed his eyes, mindful that the tears that slipped down his cheeks wouldn't damage the letters. After a time, where he just breathed and grieved for his best friend, his family, he reopened his eyes and stacked the letters back in the box as neatly as they'd been.
He didn't need to read the last three slips of paper in the box. He knew what they said.
Western Union Telegram
Received at: 3.47 PM 3_19_1945
The Secretary of War desires me to express his deepest regret that your husband Sergeant James Barnes has been reported missing in action twenty February in Austria. If further details or other information are received you will be promptly notified.
J A Ulio
The Adjutant General
Western Union Telegram
Received at: 12:02 PM 3_30_1945
Report now received from the Austrian government through the International Red Cross states your husband Sergeant James Barnes who was previously reported missing in action was killed in action one March in Austria. The Secretary of War extends his deepest sympathy. Letter follows.
J A Ulio
The Adjutant General
My dear Mrs. Barnes,
It is with profound regret that I confirm the recent telegram informing you of the death of your husband, Sergeant James Barnes, 32557038, 107th Infantry who was previously reported Missing in Action was killed in Austria 20 February 1945.
I fully understand your desire to learn as much as possible regarding the circumstances leading to his death. Unfortunately, as he was part of a classified tactical unit this information is deemed too sensitive to be disclosed. Although, I realize that little may be said or done at this time to alleviate your grief, it is my fervent hope that later the knowledge that he gave his life for his country may be of sustaining comfort to you.
I extend to you my deepest sympathy in your bereavement,
Sincerely yours,
J A Ulio
Major General
The Adjutant General