When she first meets Derek Morgan, her first thought is "This isn't right."
Because Derek Morgan is handsome and calls her "baby girl" and smiles at her like she's the only girl in the room. Penelope Garcia knows she should be swooning and all she can think is that there must be something wrong with her not to react to a man like that giving her all this attention.
Over the years Derek refines his flirting. "Baby Girl." "Sweetness." "Doll Face." "Hot Stuff." He always smiles at her with that same charming smile, and Penelope flirts and bats her eyelashes and does all the things a girl is supposed to do when a boy who looks like Derek Morgan flirts with her. She gets very good at hiding the way she feels sick to her stomach every time. She takes solace in the fact that Derek Morgan is her best friend and prays like hell he never wants her in his bed.
The first time she meets Emily Prentiss, Emily smiles and Penelope feels like fireworks are going off in her head. She doesn't think she's ever seen anything quite as beautiful as Emily and has to remind herself to speak in coherent sentences because she is at work and staring at your new coworker like she's the second coming of Christ isn't a great way to make an impression.
She feels like she's walking on air the entire way back to her office. It isn't until she sits down in her chair that she processes what exactly she's feeling.
Penelope shuts her eyes and lets years worth of tiny clues build up into one blatantly obvious conclusion.
Fuck fuck fuck. I am so fucking gay. Fuck.
A list of facts about Penelope Garcia:
- She likes pink
- She council's murder victim's families on the weekends
- Her best friend is Derek Morgan
- She is so so so gay
Penelope hasn't told anyone about that last fact. Realistically she knows that she's probably been a lesbian her whole life, just never realized it before. But that last fact is new and scary. Penelope is the loud one. She's the fiesty one. She's the techy one. She's not sure she can handle the changed look on her friends' faces when she tells them that she's the gay one as well.
It sits in the back of her mind constantly. She loves her friends more than anything in this world. She doesn't know how to articulate how much they make her heart hurt. Months turn into a year and she says nothing to them, just holding onto her double-edged sword. Tell them, and risk losing them or continue to lie to them and let the guilt eat her up until there's nothing left.
Logically she knows she isn't really lying. No one's ever straight up asked about her love life. She just lets them assume. Penelope does not owe anyone a coming out story. She does not owe anyone anything. There are nights when she lays awake so angry, grinding her teeth and telling the whole world to go fuck itself because she is Penelope Garcia. She was once one of the most wanted hackers on the FBI's list. She does not owe, she takes. She will not apologize for who she is and she will not allow anyone to make her feel guilty for taking her time.
Then Emily Prentiss smiles at her and her anger is shot straight to hell. Emily smiles at her and asks about her weekend and actually cares what Penelope has to tell her. Penelope imagines Emily on her couch, holding her. She imagines dinner dates and movie nights and drinking sweet red wine that stains their lips. And yes, she imagines fucking Emily, the way Emily would moan, how she would feel against Penelope's skin. The thought of getting physical with Emily scares her more than anything else. She had never kissed a girl, never slept with one. But the thought of another woman under her makes her skin feel hot and she wants it so much it hurts. She knows though, that doing that would make this real. She isn't sure she's ready for that. Hiding is easier.
For the first time since she was a teenager, Penelope hates herself.
There is a window in every case, which marks the time between when the team solves the case and when the team comes back home. It is during one of these times that Penelope's resolve breaks, and she lets herself go to her first gay bar.
The first thing she notices is how normal the club looked if you removed the fact that the gender makeup of the bar was overwhelmingly female. She stands in the doorway and takes it in for a moment, before going to the bar and ordering the strongest drink she can think of.
The alcohol courses through her veins and Penelope closes her eyes. For tonight she can let go of her guilt. For tonight she can be herself.
The girl she meets is a tall thin girl with straight black hair called Lana. Penelope knows how wrong it is that she's letting herself grind on a girl who looks so much like Emily, but Lana has these icy blue eyes and mischief in her smile and Penelope can't bring herself to care.
Lana's lips taste like cinnamon and send electric shocks all down Penelope's body. She's three drinks in and has never been more turned on in her life, so when Lana suggests taking this back to Penelope's place, she readily agrees.
What follows is probably the best sex Penelope's ever had. She's nowhere near a virgin, having spent the night with many men back in her hacker days. Lana's touch makes her forget all their names. That night as she's falling asleep tangled up in Lana's arms, she thinks that she never knew before how good another person could make her feel.
She wakes up to an empty bed and a note that says Call me some time with Lana's number below it. Lana dots her i's with little hearts and the sinking feeling in her stomach returns with a vengeance.
Penelope sort of wants to throw up. Sort of wants to curl up on the floor and have a panic attack and cry because now this is real. Penelope Garcia is a lesbian. Last night all but confirmed it and there's no denying it now. The word leaves a bitter taste on her tongue.
She wants to have a panic attack but she has to get to work, so she throws Lana's number away and gets dressed. Her panic will have to wait until later. Who knows? Maybe by the time she's home from work this whole mess will be over, like a bad dream.
When she meets Colby a few days later, she feels something that could almost be called relief. Almost. She runs the encounter over and over again in her head, analyzing every aspect of it. Here was a guy she could potentially date. Maybe she was wrong about this whole gay thing. Maybe it was just a one time fluke. So why did the idea of Colby kissing her make her feel a bit queasy?
Derek stops her and asks her and she wants to spill the whole thing. Wants to tell him about Lana and Colby and how confused she was. Instead, she makes up some story about how "guys like Colby don't date girls like her." That was easy. Clear cut, and not entirely a lie. She just isn't quite ready to come clean to Derek about her severe sexual identity crisis.
Derek tells her to follow her gut like that's an easy thing to do.
Later when she talks to him, she snaps at him. Being angry at Derek is easier than being angrier at herself. She calls Colby and accepts his date and tries to keep her anger on Derek.
The date ends up being one of the most miserable she's ever been on, and she's never been more relieved than when Colby declines a kiss good night. She's in a bit of a daze when he calls her name, wondering if throwing Lana's number away was the right thing to do.
She never sees the bullet coming.
She wakes up in the hospital and Derek is there. She's in pain and everything is blurry and she feels so so stupid.
"Hey baby girl, how you feeling?" Derek asks. And Penelope can't do anything but cry. Derek holds her and she tells him about how he was right. How she should have trusted her gut.
"I just wanted things to go back to normal. I hate this. I really really hate this." She sobs into his chest. He doesn't understand what she means but approximately a metric fuckton of morphine is being pumped directly into her veins so she's allowed to not explain.
Penelope is vaguely aware that the rest of the team is in the room, knows that there's a case that needs to be solved. But all she can think is that she wished she had called Lana instead.
She stays in the hospital for four days before she convinces Derek to bring her home. Inside her apartment is safe.
The two of them laugh and joke and Derek tells her her apartment is exactly what he expected. The laugh dies in her throat when she sees the wastepaper basket by her desk, holding a single scrap of paper. Lana's number. Had it really been last week that she met her? She felt so much older. She thinks about Lana and getting shot and she can see Derek frowning at her. She knows, instinctively, that it's time.
"Derek, I love you." She says abruptly.
Derek frowns at her. "I love you too, baby girl. You in pain?"
She shakes her head. "I love you. And that's why I need to tell you that I lied to you."
"Penelope?"
"Part of the reason I had a bad feeling about Colby is because there's someone else."
"You're… secretly dating someone? But you went on this date with this guy anyway."
"Yes. Well… no… it's complicated."
"Too complicated to tell your best friend?" Derek says, but there's no bite in it. Penelope doesn't think she could love Derek Morgan more than she did at that moment. Derek sighs for a moment before continuing. "I'm not mad at you, baby girl, I'm just trying to understand."
"It's complicated cause her name is Lana. I… I'm gay Derek."
There's only silence for a moment. Then Derek is across the room in two steps and holding her as close as he can without hurting her.
"I love you, Penelope. Nothing's gonna change that."
Penelope just sniffs into his shoulder, breaking down into sobs. Before she can stop herself she's telling him everything. About his flirting and Emily, and Lana and Colby and how damn confused she's been. How much she didn't want this one other thing that made her different.
He listens to her, rubbing her back as they stand there.
"You know," he says after a moment. "I've never been told that I made a girl gay before."
And Penelope laughs. Feels lighter than she has in a while.
"I figure if a girl can have this gorgeous ebony Adonis flirting with her and not feel anything then she must be a lesbian." She tells him.
Derek kisses her forehead.
"It's gonna be okay, you know? We're gonna catch this guy and you're going to figure all this out and call Lana or whatever you need to do. It's gonna work out. I promise."
For the first time, she believes that.
She calls Lana two days after they catch Colby. Lana offers to bring coffee and muffins to Penelope's apartment upon discovering that Penelope is still suffering from a severe case of "holy shit I just got shot." Penelope swears to her that that's the official medical term for her diagnosis, and Lana's laugh sounds like Christmas bells.
At some point she'll have to figure out what she wants. Has to work out her feelings for Emily. Has to tell the rest of the team.
But for now, there's a girl with icy blue eyes that look nothing like Emily's, bringing Penelope coffee. It's enough.
A/N: So this is my 2AM plot bunny that turned into a one-shot. To those of you who are reading my other fics they are not abandoned. I will be continuing them soon. Final exams are kicking my ass.