A/N: I [unfortunately] do not own Dir en Grey neither none of its members, only in my fangirly mind. All songs presented here are Dir en Grey's. Song translations (except for Hydra-666-'s) were taken from Tattered Cloth.
『play with me』
~a Macabre' songs based story~
A cell phone rang, vibrating over the desk by the head of the bed. It was seven o'clock. Kaoru opened his eyes, searching for something on the right side of the bed, but there were only rumpled sheets. The phone was still ringing. "You left without calling me again", muttered Kaoru, while turning off the phone alarm. He hated when Toshiya did that.
He stretched as he intended to wake, but, on the contrary, he snuggled himself with one of his arms under de pillow. And got back to sleep.
Later, the cell phone rang again. Kaoru woke up again, a bit confused. When he picked up the phone, he saw it was a call from Die.
- Moshi moshi? – he answered, with a sleepy voice.
- Are you still at home? – Die yelled on the other side – Do you know what time is it?
- Hm… I've no idea…
- It's past ten, Kaoru!! You're supposed to be here hours ago.
Silence.
- Kao-saaaan….! – said Die with a crafty voice after a while. And added, laughing: - Are you still there?
- Fuck you, Die. I'm coming.
And hang up the phone.
Kaoru mumbled something, and threw himself out of the bed. After washing his face, he clothed the trousers and shirt that were over one chair and the first pair of shoes he found. Still a bit asleep, he got in the car, on his way to the other guitarist's house.
When he arrived at Die's place, he was taken in by the drummer.
- Ohayou gozaimasu – said Shinya, opening the door.
- Ohayou – answered Kaoru.
While Shinya was closing the door, the guitarist entered the house. Near the leaving room, he heard some laughs. No doubt it was Toshiya.
- That's not fun – said a bad-tempered voice.
The laughs slowly faded, while Kaoru got closer to the living room door.
- No need to act like this – answered Toshiya, still giggling.
When he looked inside, trying to hide behind the door, the guitarist saw Toshiya sitting on the floor, by the coffee table. He's hugging Kyo, who had an usual unfriendly expression. Kaoru was watching Tochi whisper something in Kyo's ear, when he was surprised by Die, who jumped getting grip of his neck.
- Kao-nii! – he yelled, giving him a noisy kiss on the cheek – Finally.
The sounds in the living room stopped.
- Kaoru? – called Toshiya.
When both guitarists entered, the bassist was standing up, with a great smile. Kyo was still sitting on the floor, staring at Kaoru with a disdainful look.
- You're late – he said.
- Ne, but what are you complaining about? – laughed Die – You've been sleeping almost all the time in the sofa!
Kyo's eyes went straightly to Toshiya, right on time to stop a giggle. Kaoru didn't like the exchange of glances, though Die seemed to think all pretty normal.
- Now that everybody's here… - started Shinya, who had just arrived to the living room.
- … and that everyone's awake… - interrupted Die.
- Let's start it at once – concluded Kyo, rolling his eyes.
They all got their instruments and got to their places. After a sign to the others, Kaoru began to play his initial solo in Audrey.
ai to iu mono wa katashi ni sureba kieru
[the thing called love disappears when it becomes solid]
The pink-haired guitarist frowned when Kyo sang the first verse. The image of Toshiya hugging Kyo came to his mind. "You've been sleeping almost all the time", echoed the other guitarist's voice in his head. "Almost", thought Kaoru, and instinctively looked towards Toshiya. He was absorbed in his playing, as he wasn't paying attention to the others. "He's really getting better, isn't he?", thought Kaoru, remembering the countless times Toshiya said he was an awful bassist.
-flashback-
Kyo seemed more irritated than usual, and went away as soon as the practice end was announced that day. Kaoru slowly packed his guitar, thoughtful. Die talked excited while doing the same.
- Ne, how about getting a drink? – he asked the others, smiling.
- I don't think that's a good idea – answered Shinya, glancing at Toshiya.
Die smiled at the drummer.
- Why are you always against it, Shin-chan?
Shinya shook his head, as telling himself to give up on trying to make the red-haired man understand anything.
- Ne, are you coming, Kao? – insisted Die.
- I'll go later – he answered, hoping the other guitarist would understand what he wanted.
- Shall we be going first, then? – said Shinya, who got the leader's intentions.
- Ano… changed your mind, Shin-chan?
After they both left, Kaoru inspired deeply and turned to Toshiya, who had been sitting quietly, playing his bass inaudibly.
- Aren't you coming? – asked Kaoru.
There was no answer.
- Tochi…. – sighed Kaoru, tired.
- Nani?
- What happened? – asked Kaoru, kneeling down in front of his bandmate.
Toshiya remained in silence for a few moments before answering.
- I suck, don't I? – started the blue-haired man. And, not letting the other one talk, he continued – You saw how Kyo got pissed off today. You have to stop all time because I've done a mistake. And you, Kaoru, you should yell at me! You're Dir en Grey's leader, damn it! How can you allow me as your bassist?
Despite the tears running down Toshiya's face, Kao couldn't help laughing.
- You'll just play badly while you believe you do it, Tochi. And that's why I think you should keep as Dir en Grey's bassist. Because I think you can be a great bassist… if you wish to be one, of course.
The tears were still falling down his face, but he then had a wide smile.
-end of flashback-
Kizu wa fukasugite me no mae mienakute
[the wounds are too deep, I lose sight of what's before me]
Kyo's voice brought him back, and he looked around to check if no one had been watching him. However, Toshiya seemed to be still playing concentrated, while Kyo played with Die and Shinya watched them with the corner of his eyes, at times making grimaces.
After ending Audrey, they started playing Tayou no ao. Kyo got away from Die, concentrating on the lyrics. It seemed to Kaoru that has calmed the drummer a little, as he still glanced at Kyo and Die sometimes, as an attempt to check if the little Warumono wasn't too close to the red-haired guitarist again.
Zakuro, as usual. Before the vocals begin, Kyo got closer to Toshiya, as he was getting to a lover. The bassist laughed, ready to retribute in Kyo's game. Kaoru felt as he had been punched in the stomach.
koe wo dashite sakenda anata no namae
kitto todokanai wa ne watashi no koe sae mo
[a voice screaming out your name]
[surely it will not reach you my voice]
When he started to sing, Kyo was behind Toshiya, and his fingers played around the bassist's chest. Kaoru was getting nervous with that scene. "Damn! I've missed a beat!", he thought, quickly getting back into the rhythm. However, as the vocalist continued to have fun with the blue-haired man, Kaoru repeatedly lost a beat.
ishiki ga chigirete
[my consciousness is torn apart]
As the band leader, Kaoru was supposed to remain impassible. And he repeated that to himself every provocation Kyo did towards Toshiya, who seemed to accept them at ease.
watashi wa kowareru anata wo nakushi ai shiteru
[I'm broken I lost you I love you]
- Ne, Kao, are you ok? – asked Die, as the song ended.
- Hai - quickly answered Kaoru, with a weird expression.
Die just stared at him, while they started to play Myaku. Kaoru was trying to concentrate again, but as Kyo was still playing with Toshiya, that seemed a impossible task.
motto fukaku ezuku gurai ni waray wa tadareta yoru ni
[deeper still laughing like you're tame in this inflamed evening]
The vocalist's hand over his bassist's back was the hardest to endure. Kaoru was trying not to look, but even Kyo's singing seemed provocative to him. And that made he lose another beat.
sukoshi dake uso wo oshiete morai
ureshisa no amari heishokyoufushou no watashi wa anata ni
teisou obi wo purezento shimashita (tottemo niau wa)
[you teach only a little of the lie]
[I, claustrophobic, am so happy that]
[I gave you a present of a chastity belt (it suits you very well)]
Kaoru felt as he had been punched in the stomach. Wasn't it true? He had been tamed by his bassist, after all.
sore wo mi nagara watashi wa kando bousou no bechobechona are wo gankyuu mukidashi no anata ni
mise nagara sanbun tengoku ii kanji
[while looking at that my feelings run wild, at my moistness you're staring in shock]
[while showing 3 minutes of paradise a good feeling]
When the song finally ended, Kaoru dropped his guitar and announced "break" while quickly leaving the room. The four gazed at each other, as confirming that was really an interruption.
- What the hell was that? – asked Kyo, frowning.
- I think he's not really ok today – answered Die, while putting his guitar back to the support. – Hey, does anyone want a drink?
- Something cool would be nice – answered Toshiya, watching Shinya leave by the same door Kaoru has left.
When he got to the garden, Shinya found a pink-haired man sitting on the ground, resting his back on the wall. A cigarrete was hanging from his hand while he was staring at a vase with daisies. Shinya sat a few feets from him. They remained some minutes without saying a word, till Shinya broke the silence:
- Does he know how important he's to you?
- What are you talking about? – laughed Kaoru, nervously drafting his cigarette.
- About Toshiya. What else?
Kaoru moved his eyes away from the drummer.
- It's not recent you liking him, is it? – continued Shinya. – Toshiya is all extrovert and funny, looks as he likes everybody the same and doesn't care for this kind of thing, but… how many times have you told him what he means to you? You know, Kaoru, it's hard to realize when you really like someone. You always have this attitude from who must be above certain things so you can take decisions people expect from you as a leader. With you trying to suppress your feelings all the time, how do you expect someone to notice them?
Kaoru was staring him shocked. He couldn't remember any occasion Shinya has been so outspoken and straight to the point like that.
- When did you get so sensitive, Shin-chan? – asked the guitarist, giggling.
- That's why I usually try not to say a word… - muttered Shinya.
- Maybe you're right, you know – said Kaoru after while. – But it far easier saying than doing it… I mean, you see how he plays so easily with every one. What if I'm just like everybody else to him? In that case, whatever I say would just sound stupid.
The drummer smiled.
- So I guess that's a great chance for you to think of how much you care for him. If he really means that much to you, Kaoru, you shouldn't be hesitate on telling him. He might be as scaried as you are.
The guitarist stared at his bandmate as if pondering about what he just heard. After a few moments, he extinguished his cigarette on the floor and got closer to Shinya, hugging him. The drummer shivered, which made Kaoru giggle, and they didn't notice someone coming.
- Ne, we're wandering if we could retake the… - said Toshiya while getting outside the house. The giggle stopped.
There was an awkward second of silence, in which Kaoru took his arms away from Shinya and Toshiya seemed to frown.
- Gomen ne. I didn't mean to interrupt – said the blue haired man, getting inside again.
The guitarist was feeling dizzy. He barely listened when Shinya told him to go talk with Toshiya not even noticed how the drummer was blushing.
When they got back to the living room, they found Toshiya and Die in the sofa and a couple of empty glasses in the coffee table. Die seemed rather comfortable with a expression of who had just burnt into laugh while Toshiya had a completely opposite face, nervously holding a cigarette in his long and delicate fingers.
- Ano… let's continue practice, shall we? – asked Shinya, in a attempt to break the weird atmosphere. – Where's Kyo?
Die laughed.
- You're sounding like Kao, Shin-chan…
- He's in the bathroom – answered Toshiya abruptly, frowning.
Kaoru tried to give a light smile, but he was feeling his entrails revolving inside him and was more concerned about looking away from Toshiya. Even though his higher desire was the blue-haired man.
- Shimatta! – suddenly exclaimed the lttle blond man, making everyone turn to him and leaving no time for embarrassing silence, for Kaoru's sake. – Finally everyone's here. Can we get over with this or what?
The four agreed with head noddings and some giggles, specially Die's. The next song should be Hydra, but Kyo said he wasn't in the right mood for it; they should change it for the -666- version. That'd mean less minutes playing, which meant less chance to mistakes, so Kaoru promptly agreed. With leader-sama and the stubborn Warumono voting for the same thing, the others decided it was best to just agree and let the practice to go on.
They started playing it but in less than 15 seconds Kaoru felt as he had been hit right in his head.
doro ni tsukete arai kazase
kao o koumuru omae wa kami?
[soak it in dirt and wash it off]
[you wear my mask, does that make you god?]
Kyo's voice kept hammering in his head. "You always have this attitude from who must be above", yes, that's what Shinya said too. But… that didn't mean he acted like a asshole who felt superior to others, did it? And worst, was it that the way Toshiya saw him as well?
kubi o kaeshi koko ga "jiyuu"
[you turn your head and call this freedom?]
No, that's not true. He didn't want to ignore the truth. He wanted to tell Toshiya he was sorry, and that he loved him with all his strength, that he wanted him for himself only, and that all those feelings swirling inside him had become too painful but he still couldn't let them go…
everyone laughs at you behind your back
Kaoru stood still when he heard that. Luckily there were less than 30 seconds left to play, but that didn't even crossed his mind. The sudden panic of having acted like an idiot all time till that that had taken over him.
- Kuso! What's wrong with you today? – Kyo yelled at the older guitarist.
- Ne, are you sure you're ok, Kao? – asked Toshiya gently.
"Aw, why does he have to be always so cute?", Kaoru asked himself, feeling softened. But to hell with that, he was always nice with everyone, wasn't he? There was no reason to feel special.
- Nothing's wrong, I'm fine, so let's keep playing – he said harshly.
No one said a word. It was clear Kaoru was disorderly that day, but none of his bandmates would force him to talk about it if he didn't want to. [kr]cube began to be played, with all four glancing at the pink haired man now and then, though he was ignoring the glances and trying to concentrate on his part.
nihon ningyou no youna kimi wa
hyoujou hitotsu kaenai mama de
sotto me wo toji
soine wo shite
nennenokororiyo...
[you're like a japanese doll]
[an expression that never changes]
[softly, eyes close]
[I sleep beside you]
[sleep well...]
The verses brought back to Kaoru's mind the image of Toshiya asking him a few minutes ago if he was feeling well. His kind expression never really changed, did it? He was a doll just like the one in the song. Not to mention sleeping by him had always felt so good…
I wonder why I fell in love with you
Impossible love
Those hard verses tore Kaoru away from the sweetness of the images of him laying by his gentle blue-haired doll. The idea of an unattainable love made his heart tighten in such a way that he could barely breath. His fingers somehow found their way through his guitar strings, maybe as an attempt to avoid the previous constraining situation.
After the last chord, he raised his head an noticed Toshiya was staring at him, as wanting to say something. Kaoru felt a tear rolling down his own face. He took a deep breath and just gave his bandmate a "keep fucking playing" look. And in a few seconds Riyuu was being performed.
boku no kokoro ni kizu ga
[in my heart, a wound]
Kaoru couldn't hold a little smile. No matter what song, that day it always felt as if Kyo was singing his heart...
subete kowarete shimae subete
[everything is broken everything]
…and his worst fears out.
naze mata boku wa kimi no koto wo korizu ni ai suru no
[why didn't I learn of my love for you]
Maybe now it was too late to ask that? After all, it was all broken, all, and he felt as left all alone.
hitori de naite ita kimi ni wakaranu you
kore ijou kore ijou wa kizutsukitakunai
demo ima dake wa kimi dake wo ai shite itakatta
[alone I was crying I didn't seem to understand you]
[more than this more than this I don't want to be hurt]
[but only now, it's only you that I wanted to love]
Though you can't learn without getting hurt, can you? How are you supposed to love when you build up a shield around yourself? You can't feel if you're loved back. You stand by yourself, alone, with nothing but your own tears…
shinjiru koto ga shiawaku
[I believe in happiness]
Kaoru wasn't sure about believing in happiness anymore, but he sure wanted to. He had to believe all that pain meant he was loved back, or at least had been loved one day, just a little.
"kimi wo daite" "kimi wo mitsume" "kimi wo aishi" "kimi wo omou
["I embrace you" "I stare at you" "I love you" "I'll remember you"]
Yes. He'd never forget his beloved one. That was the truth.
- Kaoru? – called that sweet voice he loved so much to hear, almost in an ethereal way. – Kaoru!
Its insistence brought him back to his bandmate living room. The four were staring at him, with faces that seemed a mixture of surprise and chock, Kaoru couldn't tell. In fact, they all seemed a little blurred. Kaoru's eyes were full of tears, and his face was all wet already. When he realized that, he quickly dried it up with his sleeve.
- Yeah, I guess its been enough practice for today, right? – began Die. – Maybe we should continue another day...
While packing his guitar on the luggage compartment of his car, Kaoru was thinking how relived he was for Die's suggestion on postponing the practice. That one had sure been one of the worst and most painful ones. All he wanted was to get away from that place. In fact, get his mind away from Toshiya. So the perspective of going back home calmed him down a little. However, the leader almost got a heart attack when he got inside the car and heard the door on the passenger' side slam.
- What the hell are you doing?! – shouted when saw Toshiya with his bass sitting on the passengers seat.
The blue-haired man gave a light smile. It was like a stab in Kaoru's heart.
- Yeah, I know. It's pretty uncomfortabIe to go with the bass on my lap, but if I had asked you to put it in the luggage compartment too, you probably wouldn't listen to me.
Toshiya hold such an innocent face that Kaoru almost felt guilt for it.
- Actually, I was wondering why did you rush in my car. But so, you wanted say something, I suppose?
- Yes, yes. You know – he began, turning his body under the bass to better face the guitarist – You were too distant today, Kao. What's happening? And don't tell me you're fine, because I know it's not fine at all.
The pink-haired man laughed nervously.
- You really wanna know what's happening? – he yelled, and did not waited for an answer. – Great, I'll give you a hint! Today when I woke up I had been left alone. Not even a good-bye kiss or whatsoever; to complete it, I got late for practice because I couldn't get up in time! When I get at Die's I find you and that little brat in hugs and giggles! Besides, what was that thing when Die said he had been sleeping "almost" all time?! And then you later get all easy with him, with all that touching and rubbing and augh!! And what were all those songs just screaming me out… damn it, I can't bear it! If we – if there's ever been "we" – are just a play for you, so fucking say it at once!
Toshiya stared at his bandmate for a few seconds and then couldn't help but laughing. Kaoru rolled his eyes.
- Get the fu…
- Wait there, man – interrupted the bassist. – Before you expel me, let me clear things for you. First, I left your house without calling you because you usually get in a bad mood when waken before time and because you always say "let's not confound work and feelings", so I thought it'd be better for us to get separated at practice and I went home to take a shower. Second, I was laughing at Kyo for falling from the sofa while sleeping. He had waited like half an hour and as you didn't show up he slept in the living room. I asked if he needed help but I couldn't hold a laugh, and that just made him mad, which you probably noticed when you arrived. Third, we all play around during performances, and that includes you, leader-sama, so it's no big deal and there's no reason for jealousy now. Finally, you're not a play for me. I care too much about you to even think about playing with you the way you think I were. I'm all yours and yours only, my love… but I'll go away if you don't want us anymore.
When Toshiya finished talking, Kaoru was feeling his eyes getting wet, and his chest was hurting again. He felt so reassured, so content, that happiness was almost suffocating.
- Damn you, baka – he sighed. – I love you too.
Their eyes met for a moment, in a silent agreement of they wish to keep together. That was sealed with an meeting of their lips, in a slow, passionate kiss that made them lost track of time.
- So, my place or yours? – asked the pink-haired man, turning the engine on.
- Anyone's home if you're near me, love… - replied the blue-haired one, with the light smile that has melted the older one's heart once more.
Words in japanese - or at least how I understand them -, because no one is supposed to know them (in order of appearence):
Moshi moshi: "hello?", when answering the phone
-san: polite way of referring to someone
Ohayou gozaimasu: polite form of "good morning"
Ohayou: "good morning", less formal
-nii: suffix used to reffer to elder brother
ne: interjection for getting someone's attention or get confirmation
ano: interjection used to begin a phrase, similiar to "um"
nani: "what?"
hai: yes
gomen ne: informal way of "I'm sorry"
shimatta: "damn you"
kuso: "shit"
baka: "silly", "stupid"