Title: The Bittersweet Cupcake
Rating: PG/PG-13 for very mild language, and adult themes.
Disclaimer: Mine? I wish. Tom Lynch & Co. The N. MTV. Dibs.
Author's Note: This is possibly the very first fic I've actually finished. It's my shortest one (which is actually more of an accomplishment than me actually finishing it). I really wanted to write this. I was really inspired by the song that this story is fashioned after and even without a beta, I was stubborn and demanded (in the recesses of my brain) that this fic be written because I liked it. A lot. If you like the story too, let me know because I'm under the staunch impression everyone's going to hate it but me.
And my best friend.
But she's probably lying to me.
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There was never any doubt. At least, not in Spencer's mind, that they'd be together forever. For as long as she could remember, the hand of her very best friend Ashley Davies had always been firmly clasped in hers. From every groggy wakening, every medical procedure and shot, to skinned knees and bruised elbows. When Spencer woke up that cloudy Monday afternoon, she smiled for two reasons. One, she could feel the familiar skin of the inside of Ashley's hand, and two, it was her fifteenth birthday.
"Hey there, sleepy." Ashley's voice was also so melodic to her. On nights Spencer had nightmares, the only thing that could ease her fears was the lulling sound of Ashley's voice.
"Hey." Spencer replied, her voice nearly as gravelly as Ashley's and Spencer had wondered, briefly, how long she'd been asleep. "How long- "
"A little while," The same response it always was in situations like this. Situations where Spencer awoke in different but familiar surroundings, in an adult size crib and the lullaby of blips and beeps.
"But hey," Ashley said, with a smile, her eyes widening, lighting up in their unique Ashley way, "Happy Birthday." She exclaimed, all the while in a hushed whisper as she somehow pulled out a cupcake from what seemed like was hidden under the bed and over the railing. There was something about hospitals that always made Ashley whisper. Or maybe it was Spencer. While she was loud to the outside world, outspoken and fearless, her voice with Spencer was much softer and warmer.
Ashley kicked over the table, hanging it over Spencer's hospital bed, and set the cupcake on it. Never letting go of Spencer's hand, she managed, with practiced experience, light the candle with her left hand.
"Now Paula," Ashley had equal experience in saying Mrs. Carlin's name with a masked disdain, "Is dropping Glen off for his basketball clinic, your dad is almost here, and now that you're awake, we can get you released! Quick. Blow it out."
Spencer smiled as she blew out the candle, wafting the smoke with her hand afterwards. She was pretty sure fire was frowned upon in a hospital, but when had Ashley ever obeyed a rule when she could do something about it?
Ashley took out the candle and placed it on the table next to the cupcake. "Did you make a wish?" She asked and Spencer ducked her head. The thought hadn't really come to mind. Ashley only gave her a rueful smile, picking up the cupcake just as Mr. Carlin walked in the door, knocking on the heavy wood.
"Look who's awake," Arthur Carlin said with a smile, flowers and camera in one hand, and a wrapped gift in the other. "I came just in time." He quipped as he set down all his things.
"Yeah, Spencer was just thinking up her birthday wish." Ashley hinted not-so-subtly, making Spencer's dad laugh. Spencer only glared at her best friend.
"Too bad I missed the candle." Arthur said as he pulled out his camera. "I was hoping to get up here before you woke up, but I was talking to your cardiologist about changing your medication."
In all honesty, Spencer didn't mind. She hated having her picture taken. Just because it was unavoidable in her family didn't mean she didn't try. It took a herculean effort to deter Arthur Carlin when he wanted a picture, effort that Spencer didn't have.
"That's okay, Mr. C. Here," Ashley said thoughtfully and before Spencer could react, brushed a significant amount of frosting onto Spencer's nose.
Arthur laughed even harder, his hearty laugh filling the room at the sight of Spencer's shocked face and Ashley's devilish one. Not wanting to miss the moment and knowing Spencer would quickly wipe the icing off, both Arthur and Ashley jumped to catch the moment. Arthur brought the camera into focus just as Ashley leaned in to lick the icing off.
Spencer couldn't remember ever smiling so wide as her eyes shut tightly, but she could remember, without hesitation, the butterflies because they never went away.
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Present Day
"Ready to head out, sweetheart?" I jumped at the sound of Dad's voice through my apartment hallway, looking away from the picture he took that day so long ago, on my fifteenth birthday. When he got to me, his eyes darted from my eyes to the picture, framed in an elegant silver, back to my eyes before putting a hand on my shoulder.
Through everything Ashley and I had been through, my dad had a very intimate understanding of it. He was there for all the fights and arguments. All the stupid and childish, immature things we did to each other. All the mistakes we made. He was there when it ended. When she went her way and I went mine.
"Yeah, let's go." I said softly, packing up the picture in my hand and handing the box to my dad to take to the car. I'd stopped counting the days since Ashley left. Now, it was just a long, hazy blur. Sometimes, I'd have good days, and sometimes I'd have bad, but no matter what kind of day, I would always think about her. I knew, from the day I was born that I would never get over her. It was probably why I expected us to be together forever.
Things changed when we grew up. Wasn't that the case for all couples? All people? When I turned fifteen, things changed. After those butterflies hit my system, I was done. Every time she'd look at me afterwards, I'd get that little flutter. It was like my stomach was doing jumping jacks.
We did that little dance that all kids did when they liked each other. We were so awkward and so pathetic sometimes. Looking back, it made me laugh. Young and stupid. That was pretty much the motif for our relationship. Young, stupid, and utterly in love.
Of course, at fifteen, I was much too shy to do anything about it. I didn't get un-shy until Ashley forced it out of me. I learned a lot from her.
"I was thinking we could grab a bite to eat before we hit the road?" Dad suggested, breaking my thoughts once again. I nodded with a forced smile as I watched him load up the SUV with all my things from the past seven years. I gave my apartment one last look, holding back my tears, as I said goodbye to the memories.
'This is good for you', my mom told me. 'There are too many memories in that apartment of yours. You're drowning in your own depression.' She never liked Ashley. Ever since she took my hand in pre-school and dragged me away from Aiden Dennison. After punching him in eye and in the privates for saying I had cooties.
In some ways it was surprising and other ways it was completely expected that Mom wasn't happy when Ashley left. She knew how hurt I was, and I knew that her egging me to move out was less about hating Ashley in the past and more about me moving on.
But how could I?
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"Wake up wake up wake up, Ashley!" Spencer jumped on the bed next to a near comatose Ashley. A few bounces in, Ashley began to stir, but didn't fully wake. She groaned and whined as Spencer shook her spastically.
"Whatttt?" Came a drawn out whine from under the covers.
Spencer leaned into Ashley's ear with a smile she couldn't wipe off her face, "It's Christmas morning."
Suddenly, a hand shot out from the depts of the comforter and pulled on Spencer's arm so that she fell forward, laughing. "Merry Christmas." Ashley muttered lazily as she draped her arm over Spencer's shoulder.
They lay like that comfortably, Spencer soaking in the memory of her fifteenth Christmas, and Ashley trying to go back to sleep. For months after Spencer's birthday, both she and Ashley had felt something shift in the most imperceptible of ways.
When they held hands, it was loose, content, and decreasingly platonic. The looks they gave one another lingered with a bittersweet longing. Yes, things were changing. They both knew it, but neither did anything to move them forward or backwards. Spencer, so scared by these feelings that she was ready to run away, and Ashley, so scared that these feelings would make Spencer run away.
"Can we open presents yet?" Spencer asked impatiently. Normally, Ashley was the spoiled one, but Spencer was born jumpy and didn't handle surprises well.
Ashley sighed, rolling over onto her back and staring up at the ceiling for a few long seconds before letting out a grunt as she sat up. "If you weren't so cute, I'd punch you a new mouth." Ashley muttered as she padded into the restroom to wash her face and brush her teeth.
It was a Carlin tradition to wake up at six in the morning to open presents and had Ashley not loved Spencer the way she did, she wouldn't have partaken. Rock royalty was in her blood and rock royalty did not wake up before noon by free will.
When Ashley came out, all the presents were laid out like a fort with Spencer hiding conspicuously behind the 'castle' she'd created. Ashley rolled her eyes and sat down across from her.
When they were younger, the presents were all opened downstairs, but this year, Paula Carlin was pulling a double shift at the hospital, much to Ashley's dismay. Not.
"Okay. Here." Spencer handed Ashley a present from Glen. It was hardly thick enough to be a book, but around the height and width. Together, they opened their respective presents from Spencer's brother.
Spencer laughed as she pulled the oversized Winnie the Pooh stuffed bear out of the giant bag. Another bear to add to Spencer's army of teddy bears, a collection she'd never outgrow. "What'd he get you?"
Ashley fanned out the four comic books Glen had gotten her with an impish smile. A guilty pleasure. For both Ashley and Glen.
They laughed as they opened various other presents from grandmothers and uncles, friends of the family, and schoolmates. As always, they saved each other for last. At last, when there were only four presents between them and a river of discarded wrapping paper, they became quiet.
As Ashley had adopted Carlin tradition, Spencer did so for Ashley. In Ashley's family, Christine (ever the attentive mother. Not.) would never know what to get Ashley and would tell her to get something for herself instead. Over the years it became near ritual that Ashley would buy a present for Spencer and one for herself that she claimed was from Spencer and Spencer would do the same.
Deciding to take initiative this year, Ashley handed Spencer the small box. "We're going to open my presents together." She announced as they tore into the indentical boxes.
Spencer's mouth fell open momentarily before she launched herself into Ashley's arms. "You got me an iPod... you got me an iPod? You got me an iPod!" For a fifteen year old with very restrictive parents, well, mother, an iPod was a miracle before her eyes. Paula Carlin didn't like Spencer listening to 'trash' as she put it, but if it was a gift, how could she take it away?
"Yeah well in your defense you got me an iPod too." Ashley responded, holding up her own. Her smile faded and the sentence on her lips trailed off when she realized exactly how close Spencer was. She could feel Spencer's breath on her top lip and her arms wrapped snugly around her neck like a warm scarf. It sent shivers up her spine.
Spencer felt it too, but it wasn't long before she faltered. The feelings inside her were too overwhelming. "Wow uh," She said as she backed off of Ashley, "Now my present seems kind of lame..." She said nervously.
"I'm sure it's fine." Ashley replied instantly with confidence.
In truth, Spencer didn't want to open either of the presents anymore. Since her birthday, she had spent days and days mustering up the courage, but now that the moment had come, she couldn't go through with it.
"Here." She said, pushing Ashley's gift to her as she chewed her lip. At least she could give her that.
Ashley opened the present and smiled, "I told you. And it's better than fine." She traced her finger over the small charm in the box, the one that would fit perfectly on the charm bracelet her father gave her when she was little. The one with no charms on it at all.
"Thank you so much." The way Ashley spoke almost made Spencer's heart crack. It was like no one had ever done anything nice for her before.
"It really wasn't much." Spencer muttered.
"It's a lot." Ashley argued, not taking her eyes off the shiny crafted metal. She sniffled back the tears that had brimmed at her eyes before smiling at Spencer, "Now what'd you get yourself?"
Spencer pulled the small box further away from Ashley, "A-Actually, I was just going to return it."
Ashley rolled her eyes, not falling for it, "C'mon," she said, reaching for the box, but Spencer snatched it away. They started wrestling over it, and with Ashley being the stronger of the two, winning.
"At least open it!" She said as she poised her fingers at the wrapping paper. Spencer struggled futilely to try and get the box back.
"I know what it is. I jus- " Spencer stopped speaking, freezing as she heard the wrapping paper rip. Her eyes bugged out and not a second later, she struggled harder than ever before to regain possession of the box.
But it was too late. Ashley had already opened it. Spencer could feel an itching heat rise up her chest and throat, nervousness radiating through her ears. "I- "
Spencer was cut off once again, but this time by the unexpected feel of Ashley's lips against hers and the sensation of falling as she was pushed backwards onto the carpetted floor. She moaned as she felt Ashley's entire body straddled on top of her, their lips never disconnecting.
They broke apart with heaving breaths, Ashley's dark eyes staring into Spencer's ocean blue, amazed and in awe of what they'd just done. Before they did it again.
The opened box of mistletoe sat sprawled, unattended and unreturned as they kissed again and again.
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Present Day
"I wanted to talk to you before you go through with this, Spencer." Dad said to me as he squirted some ketchup on his burger. I shook my head, trying to clear myself of the overwhelming memories that were flooding my brain.
Somehow I knew he'd try to talk to me about this. As supportive as he always was of me and Ashley, I knew he wasn't going to just let this slide, let me hold onto her.
"You have to move on, sweetie." Why? Because she wasn't coming back? I shut my eyes and pushed away my plate of food, not really hungry anymore.
"You sound just like mom." I told him and for a moment, he looked a little offended.
"I'm just trying to say that this isn't healthy. You have no friends. You don't ever go out. You don't have fun anymore, Spence. I just want to see you get out there. Smile a little." I'd smile if she came back to me, I thought to myself bitterly. I'd smile a lot.
Even though I planned on having some semblance of this conversation with my dad, I really had nothing to say back to him. I had no way of explaining how I felt. How everything still revolved around her. How the way we left things left me crying myself to sleep almost every night out of the week. How I still cried. Even now.
For a few months after, I cried non-stop. Then, I didn't cry at all. I didn't do anything at all. I was just numb. And then I started to pretend. And it was easy pretending because I didn't have to face what I was really feeling. I turned my back on every chance for closure I could get. I didn't want it then and I didn't want it now. So even now, nothing had changed. I was still hurting. I hadn't moved on. I was still unsettled.
"It's not like I don't have a life, Dad." That was true too and Dad knew it. Despite my last year in undergraduate school, I made it into UCLA graduate school and graduated with honors. I was now heading to a new job just across town. "And I'm mad that you would say I don't have friends."
I did have friends. Kind of. Most of them were classmates and I usually flaked out on their outings, but it didn't mean we weren't friends. I just had other things to do. Like cry in my room alone.
"Maybe you can take interest in something, like a hobby. Maybe fishing or cooking?" That sounded more like an Arthur Carlin hobby than anything and ew, fishing? Really?
"Yeah... I'll give it some thought, Dad." I told him noncommittally, chewing on one of my fries as I did so. Out of everyone in our entire family, only my dad and I had such bad table manners. My mom's famiy and Glen (believe it or not) all had impeccable eating habits.
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"Feed me a fry, my love." Ashley said dramatically as she flopped down on their brand new couch in their brand new apartment.
Spencer laughed as she walked over to her girlfriend, sitting on her stomach as she fed the girl a fry as commanded.
"Nom nom nom," Ashley smiled contently as her arm looped around Spencer's waist, "And now congratulate me."
The blonde laughed again at her girlfriend's antics. They made it through almost three years together. They survived high school. They even survived coming out to her parents. And now, Spencer was ready to start college life at UCLA in her brand new apartment with her beautiful girlfriend.
"Congratulations. For what?" Spencer asked, shifting so that she could lie entirely on top of Ashley.
Ashley looked up at the ceiling with a pensive look before breezily saying, "For getting a record deal." She had mentioned being approached by agents from her late father's record company to Spencer, but the words 'tentative' and 'scoping' were used. Spencer's face lit up, surprised by the good news. Her girlfriend's dreams were coming true.
"Really? That's amazing!" But when Spencer studied Ashley's face, she seemed at best tepid. "Why aren't you more excited about this?"
It was then that Ashley buried her face in Spencer's neck and sighed. Spencer could hear a muffled, "Because I might have to be away from you."
She smiled, rolling her eyes at her sweet sweet girlfriend, leaning back so that her neck couldn't be used as a sanctuary anymore. "We talked about this. Even if you got this deal, you might not even go on tour for like a year. Two years. Who knows? And when you do, I'll be happy for you. We'll call each other every day and see each other whenever we can."
"Like on webcam?" Ashley asked, her eyebrows raising up like a child being told they were getting ice cream.
Spencer give Ashley a knowing smile, "Don't get any ideas now." She admonished, letting Ashley know she wasn't serious by pecking her on the lips.
"I'm so proud of you." Spencer whispered as she scooted down to lay her head on Ashley's chest. "I love you, Ash." She smiled dreamily when she felt Ashley's hand rhythmically running through her hair.
"I love you too, Spence." They laid like that until Spencer could hear odd sounds rumbling up to Ashley's heartbeat. She frowned, opening her eyes.
"Ash. Is that your stomach growling?" Spencer asked even though she had a suspicion of the answer already.
"Nooo...." Ashley said and when Spencer didn't answer, spoke again, "Nooo.... okay maybe." There was more silence. "Okay yes. I really want those fries."
How Ashley kept her figure after eating all that junk food, Spencer could never figure out. They got up and grabbed their burgers. When they moved in together, it was agreed that they'd alternate the food preparation. The night before, Spencer made a nice homemade lasagna for Ashley. Today? Ashley brought home burgers and a smile.
"Ash, you so need to learn how to cook." The blonde said as she chewed on a fry.
This made the rockstar-to-be snort, "Spence, you so need to learn how to play a guitar." Spencer gave Ashley an incredulous look.
"What does that have to do with food?" To which Ashley only shrugged.
When they finished their food, Ashley immediately grabbed Spencer by the hand and tugged her into the bedroom. "I told you no funny business until later."
"Getting ahead of yourself, cowboy, and even if? You totally wouldn't be able to resist." Instead, Ashley sat Spencer down on the stool in the corner and set her favorite guitar on the blonde's lap.
That was when Spencer got what Ashley was getting at. "Um no. I am going to break this thing." Which was a very likely possibility. Spencer was clumsy in the most fatal of ways. She could fall on flat land and often did.
"I have faith that you'll take care of Hayden in my absence," Ashley had a habit of naming her inanimate objects, "And one part of taking care of him slash her is keeping the strings in tune. He slash she likes that." As if Hayden had preferences and interests, but Spencer played along because it seemed to be very important to Ashley.
Ashley gave Spencer a few moments to protest, and when none came, she grinned. "Now this is a G chord, you kinda flick whoever's looking at your off, but your first finger's higher than your second." Ashley explained as she put Spencer's fingers in place on the strings.
"It hurts." Spencer complained, it felt like someone was trying to split her fingers right down the middle with a meat cleaver.
"It'll get better, Spence," Ashley said warming, taking the hurt hand off the neck of the guitar and kissing each finger tenderly. Spencer sighed and smiled at the brunette. Thoughtful in the cutest of ways.
"Thank you for doing this..." Ashley looked down on the floor as she placed her girlfriend's hand back on the frets of the guitar. For some reason it was important to her. It was important that Spencer had a part in this.
Spencer just smiled, the ringing pain in her fingertips forgotten as she replicated the chord perfectly, "So like this, then?"
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Present Day
I sat back in the booth that we were in and sighed contentedly. Even though it was just a drive across town, Dad and I decided to eat. I should've known it was so he could have that conversation with me. The rest of the time was pretty much spent eating. There was small talk here and there, but I think we both knew I wasn't very invested in the conversation.
Dad was paying the check when my phone rang, buzzing on the table between us. "Hey Glen," I greeted, picking the phone up without really looking at the caller ID. Very few people called me. Even fewer called me on weekends, so I knew it was one of two people. The other one was sitting right in front of me.
"Hey baby sis. I just wanted to call and make sure we were still on for the big Thanksgiving bash at my place." Glen moved just a week before me into a nice two-story house down the street from Mom and Dad. Mom asked me why I couldn't be more like him and move somewhere closer to her.
Probably because I didn't want her meddling, which she would if she lived closer to me. "Of course. I can't wait to see everyone again." Everyone being Hailey, Jules, and Hannah. Glen had a pretty serious girlfriend back in highschool, but when he hurt his knee, things got pretty rough. He started playing again his Junior year in college and met Hailey. They married and had a daughter and son, Hannah and Julian. Those children were precious.
"That's great! So you wanna come by and watch the kids for a little while? Something came up at work." Glen segued in the bluntest way possible. I rolled my eyes at this.
"You realize I'm moving today, right?" I asked him flatly. We talked about this for about a month before I finally decided to go through with the move.
Glen just laughed, much to my frustration, "I didn't think you'd actually go through with it. Anyways, it's super important. Can't you just get Dad to drop off the stuff? I'll pick you up from wherever."
Not that I didn't want to see my niece and nephew, but I really didn't like it when plans changed suddenly. I was fully intent on finishing the move by tomorrow morning at best and if I was busy babysitting, I wouldn't get a chance to do it all until the end of the week.
"Can't you get Mom or Dad to watch them?" I reasoned, my dad giving me a smirk as he sucked on the mint he got from the top of the paid receipt.
"Jules is fussing that he wants to see you and he's got Hannah convinced too. She's been throwing a tantrum at Mom for like the past hour. I haven't been able to get out the door." Glen's kids were spoiled without a doubt. They always got their way. Paula Carlin made up for being so tough on her kids by being the complete opposite with her grandchildren.
Spencer groaned and Glen made a sound of victory, knowing that she was going to do it. "I'm at Brenner's Steakhouse off the freeway."
"Thanks Spence. You're the best."
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They fumbled into the apartment hurriedly, their hands racing up, down, and inside articles of clothing, their lips meeting over and over as they gripped on to one another for dear life. Ashley kicked the door shut with her foot as they fell forward immediately over the arm of the couch, their lips never falling away from each other's kiss.
"I missed you." She whispered onto Spencer's jaw as her lips trailed their way up to her ear, "I missed you so much." Only a year into Ashley's music career and she was already on tour. Her album hit big and topped the charts. From Purple Venom remake to her originals, there wasn't a word out of her mouth that the media wasn't absolutely obsessed with.
The two girls had been just like this since their eyes met at the private back gate of LAX. There had been a big commotion, and it took Spencer nearly half an hour to find the gate Ashley had been smuggled to in the wake of papparazzi and crazed fans who recognized her.
For so long, they'd been apart, only connected through bittersweet e-mails and late phone calls filled with longing. Spencer could hardly concentrate in her classes, just thinking about Ashley. Day after day, she marked the towns Ashley had performed at and night after night she dreamed that the space next to her in bed wasn't cold and empty.
Spencer Carlin couldn't think of being happier or sadder at the same time in her entire life. Being able to finally feel the burning soft skin under her fingertips. Hearing those sweet sounds through something other than a radio or telephone or television set. Smelling the intoxicating perfume lightly doused in the air. Having Ashley again. For the first time in months.
Touching her again for the first time in months. Knowing that she was really there. That it wasn't a dream. Hearing her cry out her name.
Hearing 'I love you's exalted over and over as they tumbled from the couch to the bed. Feeling complete for the first time in so long. Feeling contentedness through the entire night until the rise of the morning sun.
"Mmmm. I missed you." Ashley murmured tiredly against Spencer's shoulderblade as she began to move so that she wasn't lying entirely on top of her face down and still half asleep girlfriend.
"You've said that already." Spencer replied with a lazy smile, groggy and sore from the night before. "More than once."
"I did," Ashley agreed easily, groaning as she climbed out of the warmth of the bed and stretched her aching muscles. "I'd better get to work..." She said as she yawned, padding into the bathroom.
Of course, Spencer thought with a sigh, opening her eyes, now sober to the reality of the situation. Ashley was only home for two days so she could recouperate and write some songs for her second album before she headed onto the last leg of her tour. With the knowledge that Ashley was not going to get back into bed, Spencer didn't want to be there anymore. She wanted to be wherever Ashley was for the short time that Ashley would be here. She wanted every second she could have.
She made her way out to the kitchen after putting on the robe Ashley had sent her while on tour and started making them some breakfast.
Ashley made her way out into the living room area just as Spencer was plating the food, looking fully awake with her cute little glasses and a pad of paper in her hand.
"Here," Spencer said as she set down the plate of hot food near where Ashley was reclined on the well-used couch, "Brain food." She bent over and give Ashley a quick kiss on the lips before making her way back into their room to get ready for the day as well.
She could hear Ashley humming strings of notes with the intermittent grunt of frustration and crumpling of paper as she brushed her teeth and washed her face.
By the time she got out, the food was gone and there was a growing sea of crumpled paper strewn all around Ashley's body, making Spencer laugh.
"Baby, can you play me an D sharp to B to F sharp then C sharp please?" Ashley asked sweetly as Spencer made her way back into the kitchen. Smiling, she set down the pan she was ready to clean and grabbed the guitar sitting faithfully in the corner.
Her fingers moved from one chord to the next every time Ashley said 'next'. "What's the last chord?" Spencer asked, casually strumming the F sharp with a practiced hand.
"C sharp please." Ashley said, scribbling messily on her pad of paper as Spencer switched to the next chord. After a few moments, Ashley set down the paper on the table and set her chin over the back of the couch, smiling at her girlfriend. "Done! For now..."
The musician watched as her girlfriend absentmindedly picked on the strings with a practiced hand. "Wow, you're really getting good." Ashley said reverantly, making Spencer blush as she set the guitar back on its stand in the corner. In the time she spent without Ashley, the only way she really felt connected to the brunette was to play her songs.
She looked up to see Ashley with a familiar look on her face, one she recognized instantly, "You're still hungry aren't you?" Which came out as more of a statement than a question.
Ashley grinned. Spencer knew her way too well.
"Thanks Spence. You're the best."
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Present Day
"Auntie Spencer, Auntie Spencer!" I could see a rush of curly blond hair come at me and before I could even get through the doorway, Jules was already attached to my leg. He'd grown so much in the past few months, it was amazing. Soon he'd be starting kindergarten.
Hannah waddled her way in with a glowing smile that matched Jules's. Mom looked completely frazzled as she followed the two of them, but with a tired smile, she sighed. "I don't know how my grandchildren got so spoiled."
I raied my eyebrows at her. Really? And she just scowled at me, grabbing her coat and keys. "Call me if you need anything, alright?"
"Yes Mom," I said in a teasing way. It wasn't like I'd never done this before.
"Auntie Spencer, look what Dad got me." Jules ran out of the room and dashed back in before I could even blink an eye. The kid was fast, I had to hand it to him. He sat on the floor right in the door way and pulled out a little circle pad and a bunch of little balls.
"They're called Bakugan." He explained excitedly and started spouting off all different stories and names, I couldn't follow at all.
Chuckling a bit, I picked Hannah up in my arms and motioned over to the living room, "How about you show me in here, buddy?"
Jules looked up at me, then to the table in the living room and nodded with a grin, cleaning up his things as quickly as he could before tossing them all back out haphazardly on the coffee table.
I listened to him intently while I played with Hannah, happy to have something to keep my mind off all the stress and depression I was stuck in. Through it all, Jules and Hannah were two of the very few things left that made me feel alive and not so lonely.
When Jules was done with his presentation about Baku... somethiing, he got a thoughtful look on his face and jumped up like he was struck by lightening. "Hey, Auntie Spencer?"
"Yes Jules?" I responded with an amused smile.
"Can we make ASS cupcakes?"
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Spencer pressed her palms into her eyelids to stop the stinging sensation that was burning through her puffy eyes. She'd been crying for too long. Long enough that she was lightheaded and her entire body buzzed from huffing and sniffing so much. She was shaking and so completely drained.
After a full year of touring, Spencer was thankful they made it through. She figured this would finally be it, a break from all the hectic madness. Right as she was ready to breathe a sigh of relief, Ashley mentioned that her tour was extended for another month and she would be back on the road in a week.
That really did it for her. Two straight tours. One entire year. Spencer was going crazy! There was only so much loneliness she could handle. She was tired of being alone. The phone calls and e-mails and cards and gifts just didn't cut it anymore. She wanted Ashley, and she was so frustrated with feeling like she was this incredibly needy and demanding girlfriend.
It all culminated into the argument of the century. They screamed and hollered until Spencer was afraid the walls were going to collapse.
Then she ran into their room, slammed the door, and cried until her entire pillow was drenched in salty tears.
There was soft hesitant knock on the door and moments later, Ashley's head poked in. "Can I come in?" She asked timidly with a pleading look on her face that Spencer would never refuse. There was seldom denying Ashley, so she waved the girl in.
The door opened to Ashley apprehensively shuffling her way in, a medium sized box in her hand with a little red bow on top of it.
"I'm really sorry, Spence. I should've told you as soon as I found out." For Spencer, that wasn't the problem. It didn't matter how much notice she got, she'd never be prepared for Ashley to be gone.
"It's not about your telling me, Ash. It's about you being gone." Spencer spoke honestly, not trying in the least to hide her frustration. She was so tired of telling Ashley the same thing over and over. She just wanted Ashley near her, to be able to see her and hold her and kiss her any time she wanted.
"I know," Ashley said, sitting nervously on the edge of their bed as she set down the box, "And I'm sorry. But this music. It's what I love, Spence. I just want you to support me."
"I do. Really, I do... It just... hurts so much when you're gone." How many times had Spencer said those words? How many times had they had this conversation? Where had it really ever gotten them?
"Just one more month, baby. One more month and I'm all yours." Ashley scooted closer and Spencer closed her eyes so that she wouldn't break out crying again as Ashley firmly kissed her forehead. "Here," She said, handing Spencer the box.
She looked at Ashley questioningly, but didn't get an answer. Slowly, she lifted the lid and half laughed, half sighed at the sight before her. Little cupcakes each with a letter to spell out 'I'm sorry' on one row and 'I love you' punctuated with a heart on the next.
"They're Ashley's Super Special Cupcakes." Ashley explained, picking up the cupcake with the heart scribed on it and unwrapping the paper stuck to the bottom of it. "You told me to learn how to cook, so I've been taking lessons from the chef on tour." Spencer laughed again as Ashley took a monstrous bite of the cupcake and with a mouth full of chocolate cupcake, exclaiming 'They're goooood!'
Offering Spencer a bite, Ashley made that face again, the one that Spencer couldn't and wouldn't say no to, "Spencer, will you eat my ASS..." Ashley's brown eyes looked innocently from side to side before finishing the sentence, "Cupcakes?"
She topped off the request with an irresistible smile so really, how could Spencer say no?
-----------
Present Day
I jumped when I heard the beeping from the kitchen timer on the microwave. Jules had gone to play some video games while the cupcakes baked and I dozed off. I really shouldn't have with a feisty and overly curious two-year-old like Hannah running around, but Jules was a very attentive older brother and I was just so tired.
It had been like that since I finally got my master's, but lately, it was getting worse and worse. I was sleeping more and more than I did before. There would be times that my chest would constrict and my breath would stagger involuntarily. With a condition like mine, not getting symptoms like that looked at was like asking to die.
But I didn't get them looked at. Maybe I did want to die. Maybe that was my problem. Maybe I felt like I was going to die without Ashley and that I was better off this way.
Getting to my feet, I walked over to the oven and grabbed a pot holder to pull the tray of cupcakes out. I could hear Jules's feet pattering on the hardwood floor as he scrambled to get to the kitchen, even though he knew that the pan had to cool before he could eat any. I could hear Hannah's giggling and gurgling off in the living room behind me. I could hear metal slamming on metal.
Then I could hear Jules screaming at me hysterically as the metal rattled to the kitchen floor. That was the last thing I heard before I blacked out.
-------------
"I'm sick of this, Ashley! I'm not going to go through any more of this." Spencer's hands slammed onto the tabletop angrily as they finally burst into their apartment after a long, silent walk from the grocery store. They at least had the dignity to not argue in public.
Ashley dropped the grocery bags carelessly on the floor and slammed the door behind them. "You said you were going to support me with whatever I wanted. You always told me you'd give me anything I wanted. I want this. You may not understand, but I want it." She harshly kicked the can that rolled out of the grocery bag, "You don't get it, Spence. This is everything!"
"And I'm not?!" Spencer hollered back immediately, nearly ready to explode. "Is that what it is, Ashley? The touring. The traveling. It's more important to you than me." Her voice was now eerily calm.
"Spence, don't be like that. You know I'd give it all up if you wanted me t-" Spencer was quick to cut her off, her voice still at a deadly low.
"Don't say things you don't mean." Two years since the very first tour and three years into college for Spencer, Ashley's career was skyrocketting. Her albums broke records and her records were breaking bank. Business was indeed booming for Ashley. She had talk shows to go to, signings, unforgivingly long days in the studio, and most of all, a seemingly endless stream of tours.
Spencer was near ready to receive her degree and it made her think about her and Ashley's future together. It made her think about settling down and starting a life together like they always talked about. Moving into Ashley's mom's mansion after the 'old bag kicked the can' (Ashley's words, not Spencer's). But things changed after Ashley's big break into music. The plans changed. And now Ashley was unfalteringly absent from every plan in Spencer's future.
Every time Ashley had to go, it was like a the knife in Spencer's heart was being driven another inch further in. Every time Ashley left, she was choosing music over Spencer, strangers over her girlfriend and alleged love of her life. It was killing Spencer to have Ashley gone all the time. Since they were toddlers, Ashley hadn't been more than three and a half miles away.
Now, three and a half miles was probably the closest they could get, their schedules always clashing, the timing never right.
"You're right. I don't want to give it up." Ashley said to fill the silence that was suffocating the room.
Their conversation/argument was halted by the sound of Ashley's phone, a familiar interruption for the both of them. There were always things to do for Ashley, always people to see. People that weren't Spencer. The blonde clenched her fists as Ashley picked up the phone. She tried not to listen in on the conversation, not wanting to know what fresh hell awaited her, what new way the world could take Ashley away from her. All she needed to know was the Ashley was going away.
After all, that was what always happened when Ashley's phone rang.
When Ashley hung up the phone, Spencer coldly handed the car keys over to her. "Here's your keys." She said simply.
The two of them stood in their apartment for long moments, neither saying a single word after Ashley took the keys from Spencer's hand.
Finally, Ashley took a deep breath, letting it out slowly and loudly, "I love you," she breathed. After years and years of flying off the handle, of being caught up in the moment, Ashley had learned not to leave an argument in such a severe way.
This time, this one time, Spencer couldn't see past the argument and her own anger.
When she didn't say 'I love you' back, Ashley got the message.
The door slammed behind her with a finality, like the shutting of a book.
------------
Present Day
I woke up in different but familiar surroundings, in an adult sized crib, to the lullaby of blips and beeps, my hand cold and empty like an unoccupied bed. She wasn't there. For a split second, just a split second, I had thought, mistaken, hoped that she would have been, her hand in mine like always, comforting me in the way that only Ashley could.
But she wasn't there. And my heart broke in disappointment.
"Hey there, sleepy," My heart raced at those words even though I knew the voice wasn't Ashley's. I turned my head to find my dad in the door way, flowers in one hand, his other hidden behind his back. "How are you feeling?"
I gave the question a second of thought before shrugging, "Like I always do. A little sore, but other than that, pretty much the same." My shoulders and back were killing me. How long had I been asleep? How badly had I fainted?
Dad pulled up a seat so he could sit next to my bed, setting the flowers on the table next to me, but keeping his other hand concealed. "Honey, the doctors say that your condition's... well changed. The body is rejecting the medication. Have you felt more tired lately? Dizzy maybe?" I wanted to just shrug the questions off the same way I did the first one, but the look on Dad's face was pretty stern and he had a way of telling if I was lying. The guy could seriously be a CIA agent.
"Just a little bit. I figured it was just grad school catching up to me. I didn't expect to have a heart attack," I reasoned quietly, fiddling with the needle stuck into my arm. It was itchy and no matter how many hospital beds I stayed in, it was a feeling I just couldn't get used to.
And because Dad was Dad, he didn't believe me. He just gave me a look like he knew better and to stop playing him for a fool. "Spence, you have to take this seriously. You should know by now. Paula says that you have one more attack like this, they're going to have to operate."
I was born very pre-mature. There was about of a tenth of a chance for me to live out the gate. I had lung development problems, hearing problems, and an underdeveloped heart. They cut me open and dislodged my diaphragm from my lungs. My ears grew to their normal hearing rate after a few months in a little plastic incubator, but the hole in my heart stayed. I had an arrythmia, and they hoped that by the time I was fourteen or fifteen, the hole would close up on its own, but it never did.
When I turned eighteen, Mom wanted me to get it operated on being it was dangerous for me to just be walking around with a leaking heart, but by that time, it was my choice, and to be completely honest, I was too chicken to go through with it.
I seized at the thought of having that operation, of hearing Dad mention it. He placed a hand over mine, "In the end, it's going to be your choice, but you really, really need to do this, Spencer. It's a matter of life and death."
What else would it be a matter of? Liquid and solid? I didn't answer him, just picked at the blanket draped over my lap. I really would think about it, but the operation was really dangerous. You'd think that I'd be less scared now that I was older, but being older meant knowing even more ways that things could go wrong.
"Anyways, Jules wanted me to give this to you." Dad said after a little while, finally revealing his hand and setting the cupcake I baked onto the serving table that hung over my body. "He managed to salvage three and said that one should go to you."
I stared at that cupcake, not noticing that Dad had kissed the side of my head and told me he'd be back soon.
Spencer smiled as she blew out the candle, wafting the smoke with her hand afterwards. She was pretty sure fire was frowned upon in a hospital, but when had Ashley ever obeyed a rule when she could do something about it?
Ashley took out the candle and placed it on the table next to the cupcake. "Did you make a wish?"
Yes, I thought to myself, I made a wish.
I wish you'd come back.
---------------------
When Ashley hung up the phone, Spencer coldly handed the car keys over to her. "Here's your keys." She said simply.
The two of them stood in their apartment for long moments, neither saying a single word after Ashley took the keys from Spencer's hand.
Finally, Ashley took a deep breath, letting it out slowly and loudly, "I love you," she breathed. After years and years of flying off the handle, of being caught up in the moment, Ashley had learned not to leave an argument in such a severe way.
This time, this one time, Spencer couldn't see past the argument and her own anger.
When she didn't say 'I love you' back, Ashley got the message.
Spencer sat down in the chair nearest to her after hearing the slam of the door. She was angry. Pissed. And she was even angrier that she couldn't stop being angry.
Eventually, she got to her feet. She picked up the groceries off the floor, put them where they needed to be in various positions in the fridge and the pantry, and reached down into the cabinet below the sink for the Lysol.
Spencer needed something to get her mind off things, to calm down, and the apartment was suddenly very dirty. Filthy even.
She got to work on the sink and dishes first, scrubbing at the bottom of a burnt rusted pan with a soft sponge for what seemed like an eternity as she remember every single argument they ever had. They all sounded the same now. They were all about the same thing. Distance. Loneliness. Being second place.
I'm so sick and tired of this, Ashley. I don't want to do this anymore.
The last dish clanked onto the drying rack and Spencer turned around, assessing the kitchen. The floor needed to be mopped.
Well, I do, Spence. This is my dream. Who are you to not let me live it?
Her arms were beginning to burn as she scrubbed the floor vigorously. Ashley spent the past two years gallivanting around the world doing God knew what while Spencer was at home, doing volunteer work, homework, and homework. Ashley left her, in a way, at least it was what it seemed like to Spencer. In Spencer's mind, Ashley was already gone. Ashley broke up with her the second she signed that record deal. It was all over.
I'm your girlfriend, Ashley. Remember me?
Spencer vacuumed ever square inch of carpet in their apartment, dusted every shelf. She bleached the bathroom into a spotless white and did all the laundy. It was when she could find no more cleaning to do that she began to cook. She cooked everything she'd just bought from the grocery store and more. She cooked more food than she could eat.
There were chicken nuggets, french fries, eggrolls, and crab cakes. She was ready to start on the fetuccinni alfredo when the phone rang. She was still pissed.
"Hello?" Despite her best efforts, her voice was biting and harsh.
She slowed her motions setting the pan onto the open fire as she processed what the caller was trying to say, frowning a bit as she answered, "Yes this is she."
And then the world stopped and she needed Ashley more than ever. The spatula in her hand clattered heavily onto the ground and Spencer barely had the mind to turn the stove off as she braced against it. She couldn't breathe. Every muscle in her body tightened and clenched.
She needed to go. She needed to move. She needed...
-------------
Present Day
I woke up again to the sound of my own irregular heartbeat. I'd always had a weak heart, a weak constitution. I looked at the cupcake still perched on the table in front of me, my fingers drawing close, but not daring to actually touch it.
I'd gone through so much pain and so much suffering in my life, but through it all, Ashley was always there, holding my hand. The last time tragedy struck, Ashley wasn't there for me. I needed her and she wasn't there. I was so angry at her I thought I'd never forgive her... something I did not two seconds after. Because two seconds after, I just wanted her holding me. I'd forgotten everything that we'd argued about, every angry insensitive word, every slammed door.
I just wanted her back.
But she wasn't there. She didn't come back for me. Maybe she didn't forgive me, for not letting her be free. For not letting her live her dream the way she always encouraged me to live mine. Maybe she hated me for being such a stupid selfish little hypocrite.
She didn't want to come back to me.
That day at the hospital, the one time I wasn't the on in the hospital bed...
She wasn't there for me.
-----------
Spencer couldn't see, the tears flooding her eyes, blinding her as she tried to make her way through the hospital corridors. She couldn't smell the sanitized smell she always took note of and despised. She couldn't hear as the doctor she found spoke to her, in words she couldn't, wouldn't understand. Told her things she never wanted to hear.
Shattered her entire world.
She broke down crying, her legs threatening to give out as one of the nurses helped her over to the chair in the waiting room near the desk. She hugged herself, alone and cold, crying fetally in one of the uncomfortably hard chairs with everything fiber of her being, hoping the tears could wash this away, undo what had happened, make it not real, make it not true.
And because it was true, Spencer would never stop crying, she'd never stop trying to make this day a dream.
Her head fell onto her forearms, curled up in that damn uncomfortable chair, listening to the sound of the rain, quiet murmurs, and the sound of the television quietly being watched by the people around her, the people pretending not to notice Spencer's world falling apart.
"And just tonight, music superstar Ashley Davies was killed in a brutal car wreck involving, what seems like, a drunk driver. Her Rock Royalty father Raife Davies and uncle, actor Paul Davies both died in the same fashion, Raife falling victim to a fatal wreck when his tour bus lost control in Toronto while on tour and Paul, ironically, intoxicated when he caused a wreck that took three lives and his own. Reports state that Davies was on her way to her recording studio just three lights away when this white Ford F-250 struck her vehicle in the side..."
She wanted Ashley back.
She wanted to take it all back.
She wanted to do things differently.
She wanted...
She needed...
------------
Present Day
A year and four months after my trip to the hospital, and just done with my post-surgical therapy, I was finally getting around to moving into the house. Dad and Glen were both there to help me, not wanting me to 'overexert' myself and have a heart attack.
It was Dad in the end who threw out his back and Glen who accidentally fell off the roof of the garage. I had no idea what he was doing up there to begin with.
Things were settled. Almost. The house was furnished with the most basic of things: couches, tables, televisions, desks, the big things.
Everything was different, but so familiar to me. From the front door I used to knock at when I was little to the banister Ashley and I slid down when we were young enough to be completely fearless. Every room had a memory. Every memory had its joy and its pain.
Moving into Ashley's childhood home, the one I'd inherited from my dead girlfriend was, in my mother's pull-no-punches opinion, a stupid idea. She wanted me to move on, find someone new, and preferably male. Even my father tried to talk me out of it at first. But it didn't work. And it wouldn't.
Because I was set in my ways. I wasn't planning on moving on. I didn't want to. To me, it was okay not to move on. I was happy where I was.
Smiling, I sat down in my stool and looked over to my favorite picture at the center of the mantle overseeing the fireplace. I stared longingly at the picture, thinking of that goofy face I made as Ashley licked the frosting off of my nose. I would always have these memories. I would always have her.
The radio was on some random station and I was almost done unpacking, "I've got a brand new song coming at you guys out there in LA. This is 'Halloween' by A Heart Left Waiting. Now you may not think you know who this new artist is, but let me tell you what, you do. This, my friends, is the girlfriend of Rock Royalty, the late Ashley Davies. And this one is dedicated to her."
I strummed softly along to the sound of the radio, like I was playing it with her and smiled softly to myself as I palm muted the chord to the very last line.
I'll be with you someday.
Fin.
-------------------------------
(The song 'Halloween' is credited to Meg and Dia off the 'Take Action Charity' Compilation CD. These are the lyrics:)
I've decided I'm done,
Don't care to move on,
Not used to losing someone.
If I lost faith,
Was no choice I made.
Accept the excuse of no one.
Your careful silence can't replace, your stupid smiles.
Casseroles and handshakes can't restore,
Twelve damn years of ours.
You stole me.
I don't dare to try again.
They said time will heal,
And time will mend,
And on Halloween,
The last time you left,
If I knew you were never coming back,
I would've held on to that last day,
Instead of 'here's your keys',
The last thing I'd say would be 'I love you'.
Just in case.
I'm only myself when I'm with you, baby.
I'll be with you someday.
Take down my mirror,
My pictures of costumes,
And you.
Put aside posters and books and aged fortunes,
And all this reminds me of you.
With a pat on the back they say 'honey, it's time to move on'.
And sure we can find you a hobby,
Now that he's gone.
They stole you.
I don't dare to try again.
They said time will heal,
And time will mend,
And on Halloween,
The last time you left,
If I knew you were never coming back,
I would've held on to that last day,
Instead of 'here's your keys',
The last thing I'd say would be 'I love you'.
Just in case.
I'm only myself when I'm with you, baby.
They don't understand,
We were like this since the first time we met.
We were born holding hands.
Give me flowers and cards,
I'll smile all they want,
If they give me what I want.
Give me what I want.
I don't dare to try again.
They said time will heal,
And time will mend,
And on Halloween,
The last time you left,
If I knew you were never coming back,
I would've held on to that last day,
Instead of 'here's your keys',
The last thing I'd say would be 'I love you'.
Just in case.
I'm only myself when I'm with you, baby.
I'll be with you someday.