Dating By Numbers
To Lena: thanks for the inspiration, and I miss you
Long live Claudia—I mean, SJB
You were just number nine
And I? A number three
For some reason, I took interest in you
Silly, silly me
At first, I thought this would be great
I mean, come on, you're you
In my book, you were number one
But it quickly changed to two
Sure, the restaurant was very nice
And you were very sweet to me
But then your little friend showed up
That two became a three
I may be blonde, but I'm not dumb
I saw stars in your eyes
You sure have the hots for her
Wasn't that a nice surprise?
But I put all that behind me
That night would be something more
So I was polite and asked about work
Your three went down to four
I was just being nice, you know
But you just couldn't stop
Murder this and third man that
Oh, and let's not forget your cop
You talked about her like she was your wife
Her name made you come alive
That's not how you treat a date
Congratulations on your five
You could have taken some interest in me
Asked a question or two
But you left the table, not once, but twice
What if I had been that rude to you?
And don't think I missed those glances
At the table where your girl sat
Your eyes were longing, I wasn't enough
You went down to a six after that
When you left the table again
Miss Kate followed you this time
You had left me all alone
And I really didn't mind
Both of you were awful dates
Kate's guy noticed, too
He came and kept me company
And I liked him better than you
He talked to me, and really listened
I was in first date heaven
I sat there comparing the two of you
Next to him, you were a seven
So we kept chatting, and then I noticed
Neither of you came back
I didn't mind bumping you down to eight
Not that I'm keeping track
So I finished my date with a real man
And let me tell you, he was fine
So thank you for ditching me
My wonderful number nine
Don't worry, I'm not bitter
I had a good date in the end
Besides, I'd think you'd be happier
With your little detective "friend"
But incase things don't work out for you
Incase all doesn't go so nice
Let me do you a favor
And give you some advice
There are only nine simple rules
For treating a new girl right
First, show some courtesy
Take interest and be polite
Second, tell her how nice she looks
She'll appreciate it, I swear
Third, ask her where she got her dress
And fourth, compliment her hair
Step five is to ask her about her day
If you forget this, you're done
Six, try to find some common ground
Do this and you'll be number one
Seventh, don't you dare leave the table once
Unless you want her to leave, too
And eighth, make sure you pay the check
There's nothing better you could do
And finally, nine, the most important step
And one you'd better not miss
When you drop her off at home
Don't forget that little kiss
Follow these rules, and all will go well
Your date will end in success
And maybe you'll get a second one
Without causing much distress
I'm sorry that things didn't work out
I guess I just wasn't your type
But now you can be with your cop girl
Don't worry, I won't get hype
You were a lowly number nine
And I was a number three
I mean, come on, let's face it
You didn't deserve me