Linstead AU. Heavily inspired by 3x17 aka the episode that has ruined my life. Let me know what you think/drop me a review:) Forewarning you that tissues may be required. Italics are flashbacks. Hope y'all enjoy.
As always, this is for entertainment purposes, somethings may not be correct... i own nothing, yadayadayada.
A lone piece of dark wood sits upon a pedestal, flowers surround the glossed lumber while an American flag is draped over and hanging effortlessly. The air is warmer than the last time they were here, with the smell of fresh cut grass filling the air, and the sound of traffic passing in the distance could be heard as it was so quiet you could hear a pen drop.
Erin was leaned up against Voight's Cadillac, her tousled hair fell down to her shoulders and in front of her face. She pulled the leather jacket she was wearing, around her body a little tighter, reaching into one of the outside pockets, pulling out the mini bottle of Jack she had stashed away, one of a few she had on her. She twisted the cap off with a shaky hand, grimacing as the small movement pulled at the stiches, knocking the bottle of the hard liquor back, downing it in one swallow. Her shoulders and head fell forward as she let out a low laugh, the alcohol she had before arriving to the cemetery, began taking its effect.
"Erin." a gravely voice said as he placed his hand onto her shoulder. "it's time."
Erin let out another low laugh "No Hank, it will never be time." She told him as she straightened up, and pushed her Ray-Bans back up her nose, lightly touching the gash being held together by glue as she pushed the hair out of her face. She looped her arm through Voights, and stumbled her way across the grass, Voight holding her up all the way.
"Where were you last night?" Voight inquired, worry and fear lacing his voice making it an octave lower than normal.
"Out." She drunkenly laughed causing her to trip over her own two feet.
Voight shot her a glance, that just telling him 'I was out' was not going to cut it.
"I was at our apartment. I wanted to see Jay." She told him, sounding sober for the moment.
"Erin…"
"No, don't you dare 'Erin' me Hank, I don't want you feeling sympathetic for me. This was my fault and we both know it." Erin hissed as her eyes glossed over with a fresh batch of tears threatening to fall.
Voight bit his tongue and held back the words that threatened to come out, he knew that arguing with her was a losing battle, especially when Erin was drunk.
They walked closer towards the waiting procession, but Erin slowed and turned around at the sound of footsteps she now noticed following behind them. The sight of most of the team following in their dress blues behind her made her throat dry and her hands itch to reach into her pocket and grab another glass bottle, willing the liquid to take away the pain, to take away the memories.
Alvin was walking with his head hung low, staring at the ground as he walked, deep in thought; Antonio was staring ahead, judging by the dark bags hanging under his eyes, he hadn't slept in days; Adam was a few steps back, the stagger in his step told her he was just as drunk as she was; Kevin was walking with precision, his hands hanging down by his side, walking in a straight line as if he was marching for the military, but you could see the emotional battle that was written on his face; Kim and Sean brought up the rear, Kim's tear stained and flush cheeks was almost a sight for sore eyes; Sean was his typical 'in control of his emotions' self, showing no emotion, which strangely brought a small smile to Erin's lips.
The grounds were full of people, firefighters from Firehouse Fifty-One, other officers not only from the district and Chicago but from across the country, coming from coast to coast, numerous doctors and nurses from Med, and lastly his fellow brothers in arms, the remaining few that survived from their unit anyways, and a few others that had come to pay their respects for the fallen Soldier, Detective and Friend. But there was one person that was missing among the crowd, the person besides Erin and Will that knew him the best, that knew his deepest darkest demons and haunts of his past.
The crowd was asked to take their seats, Intelligence and family being sat on the front row, Voight was leading Erin to her seat when a tap on her shoulder stopped them both in their tracks. Her stomach jumped, thinking maybe it was him, maybe all of this was just a horrible nightmare. She spun around, a little too quickly for her inebriated state as she lost her balance, falling straight into the muscular arms with a familiar set of eyes.
His grip held her arm as he stood her back onto the own two feet, careful to avoid the deep purple bruises and scratches "You good?" he asked.
Erin nodded, not willing to speak for fear of falling apart. He helped her to her seat, which was right beside his, but Erin was too lost in thought to give him courtesy.
"You know what this means right?" Jay asked as they followed behind Voight in the 300.
Erin shrugged her shoulders, "That we have the weekend off?"
"Exactly, we have the weekend off, which means…" Jay said as he raised his eyebrows, a grin plastered on his face.
Erin laughed "Ha, we have to catch this bastard first Halstead." She told him returning the same grin. "And then we are meeting up with everyone else at Molly's for Matt and Gabby's re-engagement party.
"Seriously?" Jay let out a sigh "You would think their first party would have been enough."
"It's just a small get together with their closest friends this time, I promise you it's nothing."
"First of all, that's what they said the last time and the fire marshal kicked us out cause the building was over capacity. Second of all, don't you think it is a little awkward with me being her ex?"
"Really Jay? That's what you're worried about?" Erin laughed "Correct me if i'm wrong but you were undercover, and you were supposed to get close to her, correct?"
"Yeah…"
"Then I don't see what the problem is."
"Let me put it this way, would it bother you if we were to invite say Allie or Kelly to our engagement party?"
Erin thought for a second "Ok, so maybe you do have a point."
Jay smugly grinned before opening the compartment on the dash and pulling out a slip of paper, making a tally mark on his side of the paper. Right now he was trailing by two and the end of the month was growing closer, so he was pulling out all the stops.
Erin pulled the car to the curb, parking behind Voight, she stepped out, Olinsky parking behind her. Jay stuffed the paper back in to the dash, and stepped out, adjusting his vest.
Erin stepped around to the back of Chrysler, grabbing Jay's long gun and a few extra mags for her sidearm. Jay walked around to the back reaching for his gun, while intentionally brushing Erin's arm. Erin placed what she needed into her vest, turning towards Jay who was now fixing his earwig. He gave her a wink that made her blush as she walked past him, walking towards the rest of the team.
"Alright, everyone good?" the team nodded "The house is about a block from here. Expect them to be carrying. Let's load up, everyone goes home tonight, end of discussion." Voight gave them a quick pep talk as they got back into their respective vehicles to go serve the warrant.
Erin let out a deep breath, they have done this a thousand times, but something about this one just felt… off.
"You good?" Jay asked casting her a worried glance.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Something about this just feels weird, you know?"
Jay reached over the console and grabbed Erin's hand, lacing their fingers together, giving her hand a light squeeze.
"Hey guys, what was the suspects' vehicle again?" asked Ruzek over the comm.
"A black 2016 Chevy Tahoe." Antonio responded.
"What are the plates?"
"It's 62Frank9Bravo45."
"Our suspect is behind us." Ruzek reported.
Erin looked into the rearview mirror as Jay turned around looking behind Olinsky's car to make sure that what Ruzek and Olinsky were seeing was true.
"Shit." Jay cursed under his breath "do we have a visual?"
"Uh yeah, 10-4. It's him, it's Dobbs." Ruzek confirmed in intervals. "He has a passenger."
"Voight, how do you want us to do this?"
There was radio silence as Voight thought of a plan of action.
"Alright, we split up and get behind him, try to take him out from behind or from the side. But do not engage until my command, maintain your distance." Voight told them as he took a right at the next street that would follow the one-way street that they were on, before crossing back over a few streets down, staying a few vehicles behind.
Erin drove the car for a few more blocks before making left.
"Dobbs is up to something, he is getting reckless." Ruzek reported as him and Olinksky were still in front of the suspect.
"Alright, at this next stop light fake having car troubles and we will come up from behind, Erin I want you and Halstead to come in from the side, let's box him in."
Erin made a right, to take them back to the street that they we're on originally.
"Light's red, let's move." Voight commanded.
Olinsky popped the hood and stepped out of the car "The motor died! You'll have to go around." he yelled towards their suspect while Ruzek stayed in the car. Voight flipped on the lights, and swerved out of line while pressing the petal to the floor, coming in behind their suspect at an angle. Erin pressed the gas, to finish boxing the suspect in, but they were too late, their suspect wasn't about to comply, as he pressed the gas, moving from behind Olinksy's car and blowing through the red light. Erin made the sharp turn at thirty miles an hour, Jay held onto the handle attached to the roof as they fell behind their suspect.
Jay glanced towards the speedometer as he reached for his cell phone from his Kevlar vest pocket. "Detective Halstead to Dispatch, in need of immediate back-up, we are in pursuit of a Black 2016 Chevy Tahoe with the license plate 62F9B45 on West Augusta Blvd. headed towards Augusta Street."
"10-4. Any available units in the immediate area please respond 10-18 traffic."
Erin swerved around cars moving down the partially busy street, pressing the button for the air horn to forewarn other motorists of their presence and to move over the right. Glancing into the rearview mirror seeing Voight was following closely behind. Erin had an opening free of cars to gain some of the space between the two vehicles.
"What the?" Jay said as he unbuckled from his seat, noticing a hand out the passenger side window. "Erin back off. Something doesn't seem right." No sooner did the words come out of his mouth was their shots being fired at them.
"10-1! Shots fired at the Police! 10-1!" Jay yelled into his phone as he unclipped his .40 Heckler and Koch gun from his thigh holster, holding it out the window and pulling the trigger in an attempt to hit the vehicle.
"Did you hit them?" Erin asked, adrenalin lacing her voice.
"I don't think so, they were swerving too much to get a decent hit." Jay told her as he released the empty mag, replacing it with a fully loaded one.
"What is this idiot trying to do? Get himself killed?!" Erin yelled as she noted the Tahoe go flying through another red light.
"Erin, back off, he's too cocky, the spike strips will get him up ahead." Jay told her. Erin agreed, seeing that the driver was being too reckless, she backed off slightly.
The suspect went flying through another light, that was flashing it's yellow caution light before quickly turning red, Erin slowed up, to see if there was anyone approaching from either cross street, but she didn't slow up enough. A car came barreling through the light, hitting the passenger side of the car at an excessive speed of fifty-five miles per hour, causing the Chrysler 300 to flip twice, landing on it's top. Erin held onto the steering wheel for as long as she could as glass broke, metal crushed and air bags deployed around her before she quickly succumbed to unconsciousness, strapped to her seat upside down.
Voight slammed onto his breaks as he watched the accident unfold in front of them. He sat motionless for a split second before jumping into action.
"Erin! Jay!" he yelled at the top of his lungs as he made his way over towards the mangled metal. He bent down by the driver side door, glass cutting into the palm of his hand. "Erin…" He said with a shaky voice. "Someone call 911, now!" he yelled to no one in particular.
Voight laid down onto the pavement and edged his way into the car. Finding blood dripping off of Erin's forehead, into her hair and onto the roof of the car.
"Voight, we have a problem." Antonio's voice cracked as he spoke, from the opposite side of the car, having crawled the best he could through the passenger windshield to check on Jay.
Voight lifted two fingers to Erin's carotid artery, feeling for a pulse, finding one after a few seconds, slow and faint. "Erin's got a pulse! What's the problem?" Voight asked quickly as he turned his head, just in time to see Antonio pulling Jay out of the car, Kevin assisting by grabbing his shoulders and pulling him out of the front windshield.
"Don't touch him. You need to leave him in his seat." Voight demanded, knowing the basics of medical care.
"He has no pulse, and I am not going to just stand here and let him die!" Antonio yelled as placed Jay down onto the street as carefully as they could.
"Get the AED!" Antonio yelled as he began chest compressions.
Someone came running over with the Automated External Defibrillator from one of their cars, they set it up as Antonio cut Jay's vest off with a knife and lifted up his shirt to put the pads on. "Fuck." He cursed, shaking his head. Jay's abdomen was red and purple and hard to the touch. Antonio pressed analyze as the machine told everyone to remove their hands from the patient "Everyone clear!" he yelled, raising his hands "shock advised" said the automated voice as it gave Jay an electric shock "No pulse continue CPR." The voice said as it recharged and Antonio started the motions over again.
Sirens in the background gave notice that help was arriving, a fire truck appeared on scene followed by an ambulance.
"Let's get something on top of that car so we don't have a fire. Bingham and Henry, grab some cribbing and stabilize the car; Crone, grab the Jaws let's get the driver door open and cut, everyone else, make yourself useful, you know what to do." Lieutenant Jeff Clarke instructed as he walked over to the mangled 300.
"What have we got?" asked Paramedic in Charge Allison Rafferty.
"Pursing a suspect when they got hit, car flipped twice, he wasn't wearing a seatbelt, shocked twice with no conversion, and well you can see the damage…" Antonio told the paramedic as she began her own assessment.
Rafferty opened up her medical bag, pulling out a vile of epinephrine and administering the dosage into Jay, "You," she pointed towards Ruzek who was standing nearby "take over compressions." Rafferty dug in her bag again, grabbing the intubation kit, pulling out a tube "Stop compressions." She instructed as she opened Jay's mouth "Shit." She muttered as she noticed blood built up in his mouth, a small amount coming out and spilling down his cheek. She grabbed her pen light, turning Jay's head she looked into his ear canal, finding copious amounts of cerebral spinal fluid mixed with blood, 'that's two orifices' she thought to herself as she checked his nose, finding blood coming out from where she turned his head 'that's three' she sighed, she lifted up a closed eye lid, shining the light, 'minimal reaction'. She knew then that there was a slim chance of him coming back, but she was acquaintances with a few of these people and decided to do everything in her power to try to save him. Rafferty grabbed the intubation tube, careful to slide it down his trachea, she got the tube settled as she bagged him, her partner made an incision on his right side to insert a chest tube to re-inflate the collapsed lung, before beginning the rest of their assessments, loading him and taking him to the hospital.
The sound of the Jaws of Life, decompressing crushed metal as it opened up the door could be heard over all the chaos. Voight stood back out of the way, watching as the firefighters worked to free Erin, previously watching as they worked on bringing Jay back to life. The generator for the machinery shut off. "Ma'am? Can you hear me?" a firefighter that had crawled through the passenger side window once rescue operations began, continued to ask Erin.
A low moan escaped from her lips, "Hey Lieutenant! She's awake!" the man yelled to Clarke who was standing outside of the car.
"J… Ja-"
"Don't try to talk, there was an accident, everything's going to be ok, we're going to get you out." The man told her to get her to calm down as she came to. "Hey! Get me a C-Collar!" he asked to the paramedic standing outside the car. "My name is Mark, can you tell me what your name is?" he asked as he placed the cervical collar around her neck.
"Er… Erin." She told him.
"Well Erin, it's nice to meet you, I wish I could say it was under better circumstances." He laughed, trying to make light of the situation.
"J… Jay, where is he?"
"He's outside of the car, they are taking care of him, how about we worry about you right now, are you feeling any pain?"
Erin began to describe her injuries, the throbbing in her head, the numbness in her legs, the extreme discomfort in her abdomen.
"They should be able to give you something for the pain, but how about we get you out of here?"
Erin nodded her head. The rescue crew began to work quickly around them, sliding a backboard in sideways before they cut Erin free from her seatbelt. Once free they made quick to strap her to the board and fully pull her out of the car.
"Erin?" Voight asked as they loaded her onto the stretcher.
"Hank… I'm… I'm fine. Where's Jay? How's Jay?"
"I don't know, another ambo took him to the hospital. The guys are with him."
Erin closed her eyes as another crew of paramedics swooped in and began assessing her injuries, administering the care that they could in the field. "Taking her to Med right?" Voight asked as they loaded her into the ambulance.
"Yeah, you can ride up front if you want." The medic told him.
"… he taught me that sometimes the choices we make for ourselves, can sometimes turn to mistakes, but we are more than those mistakes. Jay once told me "that sometimes there are no victories, there are only battles. And in the end, the best you could hope for is to find a place to make your stand." I hope if anything, you remember Jay, not for the hero he was, but for the hero he is." Olinksy said as he departed from the stand, dragging Erin away from her thoughts.
She was supposed to get up and say a few words next, since Mouse was nowhere to be seen. Erin took a deep and shaky breath as she made her way up to the stand. "Jay Halstead was a pain in my ass." She said, resulting in a few laughs to come from the crowd "Four years ago, I walk into the district, and no sooner did I reach the top of the stairs, was Hank calling me into his brand new office. The first thought through my head was "Oh Shit, what does he think I did now?", I walk in and he gives it to me straight "You're getting a new partner, details are a little vague but they tell me he was the best of his class and I know he just got done undercover." I immediately began to protest, I had been working by myself since he formed the intelligence unit two weeks back and was doing just fine. Hank didn't budge and told me to go do something for the case we were working. I made my way down the stairs when I heard some tall idiot arguing with Trudy, rule number one of the 21st, you don't mess with Platt. Turns out that the idiot was my new partner." Erin took another deep breath. "Jay is… was my best friend, my partner, the love of my life, and I..." Erin's already shaky words drifted off as a tear fell to the podium. Erin raised her head and was about to force herself to continue when the faint sound of music playing in the distance behind her made her smile "Take me down to the paradise city; Where the grass is green and the girls are pretty, Oh won't you please take me home." She turned around, looking towards where the song was coming from. Mouse stood several hundred yards behind her, holding a boombox as their units old anthem played, thankful for his inconvenient timing.
Erin returned to her seat, letting the music takeover her thoughts.
"What… did you just say." Erin said as she pulled the IV out of her arm and swung her legs over the hospital bed.
"Erin… sit back down."
"No! I want to see him! And so help me if this is one of Ruzek's pranks I will have his balls." She gritted through her teeth, still standing by the bed.
"You can't see him, it's…"
"It's what Hank!" she yelled.
"Bad... Erin." He told her letting out a deep breath
Erin put a trembling hand up to her lip, slowly sitting back down onto the mattress as a nurse came running into the room to fix her IV. "This is all my fault."
Voight said nothing as he reached behind her, handing her an emesis bag that was hanging behind the bed, noting her ghostly white complexion before he stepped out of the room.
Voight had only been in the hall a few minutes before he heard a set of footsteps, slowly coming down the hall. "Hey, is Erin awake?" Will asked.
"Yeah, any news?"
Will motioned his head for Voight to join them as he moved into her room, "Hey, how are you feeling?"
"I'm fine, how's Jay?" Erin asked, standing up.
"Erin he… Jay, he…" Will said as he took a deep breath "Erin, Jay didn't-"
"No." she shook her head violently, trying to stop the tears from falling "No. Don't you dare tell me that he is dead. Tell me that he is standing out in the hallway, waiting to come in with nothing more than a few scratches."
"Erin, I'm… sorry." Will told her as a tear fell down his cheek.
"No." she kept repeating, her words getting out loud as the sound of a door being flung open echoed in the room, her body shaking before a loud sob escaped past her lips. "I want to see him! Let me see him!"
Will pulled her into his arms, wrapping them tightly around her as she beat his chest, "Let me see him!" she screamed, her sobs echoing off the empty walls of the room, masking Will's own tears as they sunk to the bed. Erin wasn't sure how long they sat there like that, but she knew she needed to get out of the room, out of the hospital. She pushed Will away, jumping to her feet, feeling a burst of emotion fed adrenaline coursing through her veins she pulled open the door and ran down the hallway, ignoring the voices yelling behind her to stop, she ran down the seven flights of stairs and out the front door. The fresh air hit her lungs, giving her even more momentum to keep moving. Her legs were burning, the cuts and gashes that had been so neatly cleaned and stitched were now bleeding through their bandages. But she knew where she needed to go as she ran six blocks past the hospital. She ran inside the elegant building, running up two flights of stairs, skipping every other step as she went. She slowed her speed, walking towards the vending machines at the end of the hallway, running her hand behind one of the machinery before she felt what she was looking for. She grabbed the key box, removing the metal as she walked back down the hallway, stopping in front of the heavy wooden door and inserting the key. Erin turned the knob, immediately stepping inside letting the apartment assault her senses. She closed her eyes, silent tears falling as she took in a deep breath, the smell of gunpowder, old spice and something flowery became overpowering before she opened her eyes and glanced around their apartment.
"If everyone could please rise as we honor this brave young man." The Chaplain spoke.
Erin stood, hearing others in the crowd rise to their feet behind her, eight men dressed in their formal service uniforms, marched several hundred yards away from the casket and crowd. Seven of the men held rifles, as the eighth man commanded them. Those serving or had served in the military, law enforcement and fire in the crowd raised their hand up in salute, as the eighth man ordered them "Ready. Aim. Fire." He told them, doing as instructed, cocking the rifle, pulling it up into position, aiming at the sky, before they each pulled the trigger in-sync. The loud blast of the blank causing several in the crowd to jump at the echoing noise throughout the cemetery. "Ready. Aim. Fire." he instructed as the repeated the process once again, "Ready. Aim. Fire." he instructed one last time before the men returned to their stationary positions.
Before the last echo of a gunshot could leave the graveyard, the sound of a trumpet could be heard, playing the familiar wretched twenty-four note lullaby, while everyone continued to salute, not leaving a dry eye within hearing distance. The crowd seated as seven men from the honor guard, stood over his casket as they lifted up the flag, before they began folding it twelve times, where the red and white stripes are wrapped into the blue. Before the man on the end, marched his way over, kneeling on the ground before Erin, placing the folded flag in her hands.
"Erin! Are you in there?!" came a shout and then a loud knock from behind the front door.
Erin remained on the couch, not wanting or willing to get up. "Go away Hank." Her raspy voice attempted to yell.
"Erin, open this door before I break it down."
Erin rolled her eyes and wiped away a few stray tears as she slowly stood up from the couch and stumbled her way to the door. "What do you want? I am alive, I am home, I am fine, now go away."
"You're not fine, your boyfriend died yesterday, you are anything but fine, you will never be fine." Voight told her from experience as he forced his way through the door. He stopped in the living room, taking in the apartment's appearance as well as Erin's. Erin was dressed in Jay's black hoodie and a grey pair of sweats, her hair a mess, her eyes blood shot. The apartment was almost worse, beer and whiskey bottles spread throughout the living room, glass laying in the floor coming from a smashed picture on the wall, clothes laying in heaps, with several takeout containers sitting on the coffee table. "Erin, I've tried your cell, you didn't answer."
"Didn't feel like talking, still don't." she told him as she turned around, picking up a bottle of jack off the table, taking a swig.
"We got the guys."
"Good, I hope they rot in a cell."
"Erin, you can't live like this."
"Go to hell." She mouthed off as she flipped him the bird before taking another sip of jack.
Voight shook his head as he made his way towards the hallway closet, grabbing a bag before he headed towards the bedroom.
"What the fuck do you think you are doing?" Erin asked as she drunkenly swayed in the doorway.
"You're staying with me, you will need some clothes, Burgess can get the rest for you later."
"Like hell I am. I am a grown ass woman, I don't need to stay with you."
"This is not up for debate Erin Lindsay, you are staying at my house, end of discussion."
"And you are not my father, never will be, you cannot just force me to move out of my own house!"
Voight ignored her comments, grabbing things off the floor and shoving them into the bag.
"Hank, stop." Erin pleaded "He's… He's not gone, he can't be." She said as he voice cracked.
"Erin, he's gone and you know as well as I do, what will happen if you don't stop yourself now, from going down that hole…"
"I… ok." She sighed as she made her way to the dresser, pulling out the necessities from the drawers.
-Four Months Later-
"Erin, you don't have to do this, not today." Kim told her as they made their way up the stairs.
"I do, I am, and I will."
"Ok, if you think it's time." Burgess told her, nodding her head as Erin stopped in front of the door. "Do you have the key?"
"Yeah." Erin said, still not making a move to open the door.
"When was the last time you were here?"
"Honestly," Erin laughed "I come here once a week, during my one of my 'lunch breaks' where I am 'meeting with friends', I just never thought..."
"Erin…"
"Now is not the time for sympathy Kim." Erin snapped.
The newly promoted patrolwoman nodded her head as Erin finally put the key in, stepping into the apartment.
"Wow…" Kim said as she stepped into the apartment, noticing how clean it was.
"Yeah, I figured since Hank was letting me move back in sometime soon, I should clean up." Erin smiled. "You really didn't have to come today, I just told Hank that you were helping me clean, to get him off my back."
"He cares about you Erin."
"I know… Listen, I am going to go get changed, feel free to turn on the TV or raid the fridge." Erin told her as she walked down the hall to the bedroom, shutting the door.
Erin walked over to the dresser, opening the second drawer down on the left side. She pulled out the fabric that was on top and held it to her nose, the faint smell comforting, bringing a smile to her face and tears to her eyes. It was the last shirt that still smelled like him, the others having worn by Erin and their smell washed away. Erin placed the fabric back into the drawer as she grabbed another one of his shirts, slinging it over her shoulder as she pushed the drawer of the dresser closed, the sound of paper rustling catching her attention. She pulled the drawer back out, and began searching for what may have made the noise, a blue slip of paper, dangling from the bottom catching her eye. She pulled the paper loose, turning the small square over in her hand, the small words written in chicken scratch pulled what little emotional strength she had away. "I love you, no matter the hell or highwater. Don't worry about working today babe, take it as a personal day, I left you something in the kitchen ;) – J" Erin read the note over and over, as a stray tear streamed down her cheek, landing on the post it note as she tried to remember when this was, the words becoming etched into her mind. She placed the note down on the bed as she removed everything else from the drawer, and every other drawer on the dresser, before she started looking through the few slips of paper sitting on top of a few boxes. "Wear something nice." Was all the note said as she pulled it out, a long black velvet box attached. With a shaky hand and silent tears now stream down her cheeks, she opened the velvet box, finding a diamond bracelet with ear rings. She dropped the box down onto the bed, putting a hand over her mouth before running it through her hair. 'What the hell?' she thought as she slowly sunk into the floor.
-One Year After the Accident-
Erin had just sat down at her desk, glancing at her go to distraction. 'One year' she thought to herself. 'I miss you babe.' She shook her head to clear the thoughts, Voight told her to take the next couple of days off but this was the biggest case of the year, she wasn't about to leave them one man down. Erin stood from her chair, making her way towards the breakroom to refill her coffee. She had just fixed her a cup when she felt someone standing in the doorway watching her.
"I'm fine."
"I know, I didn't say anything." Voight held his hands up in surrender.
"You didn't have to, I can feel your… vibe from over here." She said waving her hands around before grabbing her coffee, walking past Voight and out of the breakroom. "You coming to Molly's tonight? The boys are treating."
"Wouldn't miss it." Voight smiled. He remained in the doorway, taking in Erin's appearance, how much she had changed over the past year. She had lost what little weight she might have had, and evidence of the accident was gone except the scar on her arm and when she was tired or angry, you could see a slight scar on her face. She had thrown herself into her work, solving five cold cases in the process.
"Erin, you have a visitor downstairs." Platt said as she made her way halfway up the staircase.
Erin raised her eyebrow, "You expecting someone?" Voight asked.
"No, Will and I are meeting for our usual lunch this afternoon but it's 8:30 in the morning…"
She stood and made her way down the stairs, seeing a familiar face that she couldn't place.
"Hey, it's Erin right?" the man asked, extending a hand.
"Yeah, and you are…" Erin said as she accepted the man's hand.
"Mark. Mark Hollinsworth, I was the Candidate that rescued you on the day of your accident…"
"I… I vaguely remember you? Sorry, I had a concussion so I don't remember a lot about that day…"
"Yeah, so how are you? Everything good?" he asked as he shoved his hands into his pockets.
"Fine, fine, everything is… as good as it can possibly be. Not to be rude but is there something I can help you with?"
Mark nervously laughed before running a hand over his neck "I was wondering if you wanted to possibly get a drink later?..."
"Mark… you seem like a real nice guy but..."
"Too soon?" he grimaced. Erin raised her eyebrow curiously. "I know that your partner, the man who passed, he was your boyfriend… I wasn't meaning to be blunt or to step on your toes, I'm sorry, it was stupidity on my part. Annnd I am going to shut up now."
"Listen, why don't you give me your number, and if- when I get back out there, I give you a call." Erin smiled.
Mark wrote down his number with a smile, leaving after telling Erin that he was glad she was doing good.
"So, who was McHottie?" Kim asked as she came up behind Erin.
"What?"
"The really hot guy in Levis that has firefighter written all over him, that just gave you his number?"
"Oh him, that was Mark, he says he was there the day of the accident."
"You should go out with him." Burgess told her as put in the code and scanned her hand.
"What? No, I could never."
"Erin, you need to move on." Kim said, placing a hand on her shoulder.
"Maybe I don't want to move on!" Erin yelled as the entire precinct got quiet, watching the scene unfold.
Kim grabbed her arm and dragged her up the stairs, briefly waving to the guys sitting in the bullpen before dragging Erin down the hall, to the interrogation room.
"Erin, it's been a year."
"You don't think I don't know that." Erin hissed. "I can hear people talking Kim, behind my back 'Look at her, she lost her partner, lost her boyfriend.' Except I didn't lose him, I got him killed."
"Why?"
"What?"
"Why do you think you got him killed?" Kim asked, taking a seat across from Erin.
"I…" Erin closed her eyes, biting her lip to control her emotions. "I knew something was off about that day. I knew something was going to happen but I still woke up, I still went to work, I thought everything was going to be ok until Dobbs started acting all crazy, Jay told me to back off so I did, and I thought that we could have made it through the red light, it was still yellow but it changed so fast…"
"Erin… it was an accident, there was nothing you could have done differently to save him."
Erin let out a sigh, she knew Burgess was right, but no matter how many times she told herself, she still couldn't believe the words.
-One Year & Eight Months After the Accident-
Erin rolled over at the sound of her alarm going off, not that she had been asleep, sleep was foreign to her. She laid there, staring at the picture sitting on the nightstand, of her and Jay, sitting in a corner booth of a bar, Jay's arm slung around her shoulder, Erin leaning into his side as her hand played with his fingers, their foreheads touching, smiles on both their faces.
The sound of the second alarm, brings her out of the memory, she checks her phone for the time, having a little over an hour before she had to be at the district.
She got up, starting a fresh pot of coffee, attempting to make it as close as she could to how Jay would, but she could never get it just right. She went back to the bedroom, throwing the music playlist on her phone on shuffle, placing it on the speaker dock, before hoping into the shower. She showered quickly, jamming out as she fixed her hair and picked out an outfit for the day. She smiled as she heard the strumming of a guitar and the beat of the drums, "Take me down to the paradise city; Where the grass is green and the girls are pretty, Oh won't you please take me home." Began blaring over the speakers as she placed Jays dog tags over her head, they wanted them when he was buried, but she lied saying they were lost. She threw a pair of pants and one of jay's shirts on, needing a caffeine fix, before she continued getting dressed. She had just started pouring a mug when there was a knock on the door.
She placed the coffee on the counter, double checking that she did have enough clothes on to answer the door. The knock became heavier and more persistent, "Coming!" she yelled, 'Asshole.' she thought.
Erin flung the door open, a fake smile plastered on her face "Can I-?"
Erin stood there, staring at the person in front of her, the black boots and dark navy jeans, followed by the grey Henley shirt and black leather jacket, that lead up to an unshaven face, with a smile that brought out his sleep deprived eyes, his brown wavy hair, longer than usual but not by much, with an arm in a cast and a scratch over his left eye. Erin felt the tears well-up as she choked back a sob, struggling to get the right words out. "Jay?"
I had several songs that helped me when writing, Whiskey Lullaby by Brad Paisley, Just a Dream by Carrie Underwood, Hello World by Lady Antebellum and What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts, check them out if you've never heard them before :)