Susan's POV

Love. Such a small word. Such a strong, powerful word. It's funny isn't it? Love? It's funny isn't it; how you can spend every night praying and hoping with every fiber of your being that someday, someway, you'll finally find that one special person who gives you a reason to smile, laugh and live like you'll never die. Funny, how you can be surrounded by massive throngs of men throwing themselves at your feet and confessing their irrevocable love for you and no matter how handsome, polite or smart they are, you feel absolutely nothing? For any of them?

Funny isn't it, how you can just glimpse that person once out of the corner of your eye, not even look into their eyes, see their face or hear their voice and already you can't even begin to imagine your life without them in it? Funny isn't it, how you can love someone so passionately that your skin tingles and your heart aches every time you see them after only one month together? Funny, how you can spend your entire life looking at every man with a desperate hope that maybe, just maybe, they are the one and yet he can be right in front of you and you don't realize it until it's too late? Funny, how you wait for it your whole life and yet love still comes when you least expect it?

Funny, how the moment you finally open your heart and let yourself fall in love and actually let those carefully constructed walls down, you're torn away from them in the cruelest way? And it hurts so bad you can't even cry and feel like someone has punched a gaping hole through your chest and if you don't hold onto something you'll fall apart right then and there? And like you'll never be able to look at another man again?

Well, after hundreds of men, thousands of nights of desperate praying and hoping and pleading, I finally found that one special person who gave me reason to smile. I finally found that person who made my heart beat faster and slower at the same time. I finally found that one person who I knew was meant to fill the space between my fingers. I finally found my other half. His name was Caspian X.

The first time I laid eyes on Caspian he was trying to kill my brother. Edmund and I got their just in time to see Peter prepare to slam a rock into his face. I was confused and scared and angry and truthfully, I was about to rip anyone who irritated me in the least to shreds but I stopped short. I had never, ever, ever seen any man so utterly… beautiful. He was the stereotype tall dark and handsome eighteen year old boy with long wavy dark hair and a crooked smile. But he was different. He had this air to him. Humble yet proud, kind but firm, stubborn yet patient, uncertain yet confident. (He was an oxymoron with legs!) He was so different than any man I had ever known. He was sweet, chivalrous, stubborn, brave, headstrong, polite and humble. He was everything I had ever imagined that one special person would be. He was good to everyone he met and genuinely cared for Narnia and its people. He was perfect.

And I tried so hard. I tried so hard not to fall for him. I tried so hard not to love him and not to think about him but I was scared, I was so scared. I was so scared that the second I accepted being home I would have to leave and go back to that awful hell hole. I wanted so badly to let Narnia back in to my heart but leaving hurt so bad the first time and I knew I couldn't stand going through that again. I just couldn't do it. But there was no way to avoid it. When you are so hungry and starved for love and someone like Caspian is thrown into your life, love is inevitable. And I certainly loved him. So, so much.

So I took a chance. I went out on a limb and did something wild and crazy. I started talking to him. I started taking every opportunity and every possible chance to see him, talk to him, help him shoot a long bow, anything. I had to be near him. I had waited my whole life for an amazing guy like Caspian and I was not going to let him slip through my fingers. I was putting all my eggs in one basket and putting my complete and utter faith and trust in Aslan. He had to let us be together. Aslan knows how much I have prayed and craved someone as sweet and wonderful as Caspian. He had to let us be together. He had to give us a chance.

And for a while, I thought he was. Until the battle. The second Miraz lay dead on the battle field and all of Narnia was bowing down to King Caspian X, I could feel in my bones this horrible sense of impending doom. I tried to tell myself I was just imagining it and everything would be ok. Aslan would not be so cruel. I repeated over and over to myself.

But then the worst day of my life came and went. The battle was won, Miraz was dead, the Narnians were free and we were no longer needed. The second Aslan looked at me with those sad eyes my whole body started trembling. I looked over at Caspian, the love of my life, s and my heart caved in on itself. Desperate, terrified, heartbroken tears and sobs clogged my throat. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't speak. No, Aslan would not be so cruel. Aslan would not be so cruel. I repeated uselessly in my head over and over again, desperately trying to calm down. But I was wrong. This was really happening. I had found my other half, someone who gave me a reason to live, someone I loved with everything I had. And I was losing him. I was never going to see him again. I would go through that portal and Caspian would forget all about me, get married to some other lucky woman, have children and spend the rest of his life happy with someone else. But sometimes if you really love someone, all you want is for them to be happy, even if it's not with you.

There are absolutely no words to describe the intense, paralyzing pain and utter despair that tore through my heart as I stepped through that portal. I wanted to scream and wail and cry but I just stood there next to Peter like a cold hard statue and buried all my depression and tears way down deep inside of me. It's been a whole entire year and still I can't look at a dark haired boy with brown eyes without feeling as if my heart is bleeding and any second I'll burst into tears. And even now, twelve months later, the only words that ever go through my mind when I think of Narnia are what if…

Caspian's Pov

Have you ever loved someone so much that your hands tremble and your heart aches whenever you see them? Have you ever spent an entire night with a ridiculous smile on your face, replaying in your head over and over again the moment her finger brushed against your wrist when she passed you the bread? Have you ever spent a whole entire dinner staring at your fork because you couldn't even bare to look at that person because you loved her so much it hurt? Have you ever stayed up all night writing the same letter a thousand times because you couldn't even begin to describe how you feel when you see her? I have. And I still do.

Her name was Susan and I loved her with every fiber of my being, every breath in my body and with my whole heart. I had never seen anyone so utterly beautiful. But it was deeper than that. She was sweet, vivacious, gentle, fierce, smart, and funny. Everything I had ever imagined. She seemed so quiet and gentle but how fierce and protective she got of her family in an instant absolutely fascinated me. I had never met anyone like her before and I knew I never would again. From the very moment I saw her, that first day in the woods, I was hers. I knew I would never be able to feel the same way about anyone or get the same feeling in the pit of my stomach.

To be honest, the thought of her leaving me to rule on my own and go back to that strange country called England never even occurred to me. The thought of not spending every day, every minute with her never even crossed my mind; it just seemed so…painful and ridiculous the thought just never occurred to me. Stupid, foolish, idiotic teenager I was, I never even thought not spending the rest of my life with her was even an option. Like the idiot I was, I naturally assumed I would one day marry her and spend the rest of my days by her side. So I took our time together for granted. To be fair, I had so much more to worry about with the whole country hating me, King Peter breathing down my neck, and my insane uncle but I didn't say a quarter of the things to her I wanted to. I never even held her hand! I never told her how much I cared about her, how she made me feel, or how much I truly cared for her. I was only 17 then and I didn't realize how passionately I loved her until she was gone. Forever.

Not until I saw her and her oldest brother walking beside Aslan looking so upset did the fear of losing her creep into my mind. No, Aslan would not be so cruel; Aslan wouldn't be so cruel. I told myself over and over. I was so, so wrong. Nothing could ever compare to the feeling of finding out that that one special person who made you come alive and made your palms sweat and your heart beat faster has to leave you forever. Who knows, she could already be married in her world by the time I woke up the next morning, or worse, dead. I tried every moment of the day after she left not to picture her with someone else. I know how horribly selfish that is; praying and hoping someome wouldn't get married or find someone that made her happy but the thought of some other man courting her (and Aslan forbid kissing her) sent a wave of pain so intense through me that it actually brought me to my knees. The thought of a man getting to spend the rest of his life with someone so utterly amazing, so beautiful and so sweet, (a chance I would never get) was downright unbearable.

I would not wish that kind of pain on my worst enemy. The pain of meeting that one person who had your heart from the very beginning and then be torn away from you in an instant is unbearable. And it never goes away. She was everywhere, in the mirror, in the paintings, in my dreams

. The haunting pain of what could have been, what should have been. If only I had told her. If only I had done something, some small gesture to show her how much she meant to me and how much I loved her. If only…