Just re-read Rocket Axxonu's The Other Paradox and I've been thinking about doing my own re-write for a while... All credit for 99.98% of the plot and characters goes to the masterful Eoin Colfer. (And the first two lines in italics - and any subsequent quotes from The Time Paradox)

Artemis watched Holly stride towards the main doors.

If only, he thought. If only.

Artemis Fowl and the Time Paradox — Eoin Colfer

Chapter One – Splitting Time

Holly spoke kindly; she felt sorry for Artemis. Angeline's illness reminded her painfully of her own mother's final days.

'We cannot interfere, Artemis. Humans must be allowed to live their lives.'

'Then do not interfere,' snapped Artemis, turning to look at her with eyes which were cold and deceptively calm. 'Your laws govern neither humans nor demons. If No.1 decides to help me then it is completely outside of your jurisdiction to stop him.'

Holly looked exasperatedly at Foaly.

'Technically he's right,' said the centaur. He was staring down at both human and elf from the monitor of Artemis's parent's fifty-inch television, his tin hat perched on his head at what could be described as a rakish angle. 'Except, you know, the whole the repercussions of taking a casual skip into the time stream could be majorly catastrophic for the entire planet thing.'

Artemis snorted. 'Oh please. Don't be so dramatic. At any rate— if this trip is successful, the results would not purely save Mother. It is highly unlikely that her case is unique. Who knows how many others could be falling victim to spelltrophy as we speak? You could have an epidemic on your hands. Perhaps even a pandemic. The days of spelltrophy were Hellish. Would you want to make a return to them? '

Their silence was answer enough.

Angeline made a faint rasping noise from the bed, her shoulders rising, by mere millimetres, from her rumpled bed sheets. Her son was immediately by her side. Holly used the distraction to flick her helmet visor down and hold a private conference with Foaly.

'You said he was right,' she said, turning her back on the bed, 'that technically we can't interfere.'

'Well not technically no!' The centaur's fingers were bunched in his hair, his tin hat crumpling. 'Technically we couldn't stop him from starting a human World War Three but I think we'd be inclined to! However much he tries to shrug off the consequences of dipping into the time stream it really is a deathly serious issue. We can't… we can't just jump into the time stream for our every problem!'

Holly brow creased. 'But this isn't every problem, Foaly. You know how fast spelltrophy can spread and what damage it can do. Wouldn't… wouldn't it be best to take action now and stop this before it escalates?'

Foaly's expression dropped. 'You're thinking of going with him, aren't you.'

It wasn't a question.

Holly's eyes unfocused from her helmet screen. 'No. I'm just saying that… if he wants to do this, then…'

'You're going to go with him.'

'No.'

'And you're going to go through another IA investigation, almost lose your badge and I'm going to have to float you rent money again.'

Holly called up No.1's icon on her helmet's contact list. 'I'm going to call No.1. This is a pointless argument until he gets here anyway.'

Behind her, Artemis was holding onto his mother's claw-like hand like a drowning man clinging to a life raft.

'Hold on, mother,' he murmured, watching her strain for breath. 'I'll only be a moment.'

Holly was staring at an incredibly intriguing vase. It had to be incredibly intriguing because she'd been staring at it for the last minute, her cheeks tight and her forehead burning.

'How long will I have?' asked Artemis, who had been staring hard at No.1's face for the last minute – ever since he had returned from placing his shirt, tie, trousers, sock suspenders, socks and loafers inside his wardrobe.

The little demon pondered briefly over this question. 'Three hours. No, three days. After that my magic will start wearing thin and it'll be difficult to call you back to me.'

'Can I use your magic to heal myself, if needs must?'

Holly's gaze shifted briefly from the vase.

'Only a few stitches worth, nothing more than that. Just try to stay out of trouble, Arty.'

Foaly gave a brief, humourless laugh. 'Like that's going to happen.'

'I should only be in the house for a few minutes,' said Artemis, reaching to adjust cufflinks which were no longer there. 'I distinctly remember carrying the lemur cage down the stairs and past the study. All I need to do is snatch it.'

'Because physical movement is so your forte.'

'Gentlemen!' squeaked No.1 before things could escalate. Artemis, Holly and Foaly all stared at him. 'What?' continued the demon defensively. 'It's my voice of power, all right? The spell is ready. Are you ready, Artemis?'

The teenager took a deep breath and rolled his skinny shoulders.

Holly fidgeted.

You can't go with him. It's against every law you work to keep. And anyway, all he has to do is snatch a monkey… Simple.

Holly's leg jiggled frantically.

'But seriously, don't die, Mud Boy,' said Foaly, his expression sobering. 'Butler will skin us all alive if we ever have to explain to him why we lost you eight years ago.'

Artemis thought of where his mother lay dying, oblivious to the drastic action her son was about to take. His throat felt suddenly tight.

'Holly,' he blurted.

The elf was jerked from her thoughts. She looked up and met his mismatched eyes for the first time in over twenty minutes.

Artemis swallowed. 'If I don't make it back—'

'You are going to make it back.'

'If I don't make it back... You said you could make her comfortable. You'll still do that for me, won't you? You'll see that my mother does not suffer.'

Holly clenched her fists. A memory flashed in her head of a hospital cot, the stench of disinfectant and a red-headed woman smiling bravely through a haze of agony.

'Yes,' she replied, her own throat suddenly the width of a straw. 'I'll do it.'

Artemis simply nodded.

'Wagons roll!' squeaked No.1.

The teenager closed his eyes, his brow wrinkled in concentration. There was a brief flash of purple light, a roar like a thousand elephants trapped in a telephone box, and then the spot where Artemis had been standing was suddenly vacated. Almost vacated.

'What is that?' demanded Foaly, pointing at the newly-erected smoke statue of Artemis Fowl.

'A ghost image,' explained No.1. 'Is it a bit creepy. Makes it seem like he's dead...'

Holly released a roar of frustration. 'All right!' she snapped, making both Foaly and No.1 jump. 'Okay! Yes. Here I go again.' She ripped down the zip of her shimmer suit.

'You cannot be serious,' whinnied Foaly, his eyes almost breaching their sockets as she yanked off her boots. 'He's already gone!'

'Then I'll follow him!'

Foaly looked to No.1. 'Please tell her this is madness.'

'Nope!' said the demon in a jolly voice, almost as if he wasn't surprised at all at this new change to the plan. 'She's got approximately four seconds before any temporal interruption would cause a breach in Artemis's reality. You ready, Holly?'

Holly was dancing on one leg, struggling to pull off her long combat socks.

'Follow my magic,' said No.1, his eyes blazing with power. 'When you feel my magic, you'll feel him. '

Holly looked up. 'Wait, what—?'

And the elephants roared.

Artemis was crying silently into the carpet. Memories of the time stream whirled around his brain – the screams of burning animals, the screech of his mother as she threw a tea tray towards the son she no longer knew – fading slowly, too slowly.

It is all in the past, he told himself. Get a hold of yourself. You have a mission.

Traversing the time stream alone had been nothing like his journeys to and from Hybras. Then, he had been accompanied by a thousand other souls. Holly had been there to help him, to hold his hand (in spirit) and guide him through. Their minds had been one.

He struggled to his feet, trying to shake off the grief and upset.

He was on his own this time. For the first time in his life, completely alone.

I thought she would come.

He dismissed the thought almost angrily. If he had wanted her to come then he could have forced her to. He had thought about it, briefly, had contrived a plan which involved blaming Holly for his mother's spelltrophy. She would have come then, out of guilt.

I truly thought she would come of her own accord. I thought…

Artemis staggered towards a mirrored closet.

If Holly wasn't there, then fine. He could very much have used her skills – when Foaly had said physical movement wasn't his forte he was aware that had been a tremendous understatement – but this truly was a simple enough task: wait behind door, snatch lemur, return to the future.

'As easy as one, two, three,' muttered Artemis.

'As simple as do, re, mi?'

The teenager almost jumped out of his skin. He caught sight of the giant Eurasian, who had just emerged from the door concealed behind the study bookcase, and backed straight into the wardrobe's doors.

'Butler.'

'Having a few sartorial issues, are we?'

'Butler, you must listen to me.'

'Nope. Don't think I do.'

And the bodyguard's mammoth arm began the arc that would bring up his pistol and, inevitably, fire a hypodermic dart deep into Artemis's neck.

You need to avoid this, the teenager's brain reminded his as he watched the gun rise. Butler or Holly is not about to grab you by the collar and save you. Butler is about to shoot you and drug you.

'He shouldn't even be here!' hissed Artemis at the same time as throwing himself away from the wardrobe doors. The dart hit glass and teenager exited the room as quickly as his bare legs would carry him.

'I hate Thursdays,' grumbled Butler, and stalked after him.

There was a piercing shriek from above and the sound of thin metal hitting plaster. Butler's head turned towards the noise. The half-naked intruder hurtled away from him down the stairs just as Master Artemis appeared gasping over the balcony at the summit.

'Butler!' cried the ten-year-old, as shaken and unkempt as Butler had ever seen him. 'Come quickly! Mother, she… she does not recognise me. I brought her tea but… she threw the whole… She is attempting to call the police!'

Out of the tail of his eye, the bodyguard saw a brief flash of crimson briefs and knew the intruder had vanished.

'Of course, Master Artemis. I won't be a moment.'

'No! Not in a moment! Now!'

The ten-year-old gave him a strained, half-mad glare and vanished.

Butler took the stairs four at a time, skidding slightly on the polished parquet of the entrance floor. When he entered the kitchens, the intruder was waiting for him, backed up against a heavy wooden-topped counter.

'Wait,' ordered the boy, young man maybe, in bizarrely familiar tones.

Butler had a brief flashback to a night long ago, stood in the pouring rain, a younger Artemis Senior sheltering beneath a black umbrella instructing Butler's uncle to only shoot on his signal.

'You need to listen to me,' continued the young man, his gaze half-obstructed by a curtain of dark, limply curling hair. 'Where is the lemur?'

Butler's brow contracted. 'Lemur?'

'The Silky Sifaka. You must have it in the house. Where is it?'

There was another high scream from the floor above. The young man's expression didn't flicker.

'Look,' said Butler flatly. 'I don't know what mental hospital you escaped from but it still doesn't give you an excuse to break into private property in nothing but your pants.'

Artemis pushed aside his new locks, exposing a long and now slightly bristled face. 'Surely you must recognise me,' he said. 'I cannot look that different.'

Butler looked unimpressed. 'What's your name? Can you remember anything about where you've come from?'

The man released his hair, allowing it to swing straight back into his features. 'Somewhere quite local, Domovoi, I assure you.'

And Butler's gun was up, the safety off.

'Who are you?' demanded the Eurasian, and this time there was no patience, no muted exasperation. Only three people on Earth knew that name. Two of whom could fight off an army. The third— 'What have you done to Juliet?'

'Nothing,' promised the young man firmly, and Butler noticed for the first time that his eyes did not match. 'You told me that name yourself. In three years' time.'

'Butler!'

The young master's shout acted like an electric shock to Butler's brain. He considered his options within the second and acted.

The young man's eyes widened. And then his face was contracting with pain and long-fingered hands were flying up to the dart protruding from his right shoulder. Butler strode briskly across the kitchen.

'Later,' grunted Butler, stopping the young man's head from hitting the counter top just before it did, 'we are going to have a very long and serious talk about this.'

Artemis blinked slovenly as he was hoisted up. 'But… but…'

'No. No buts.'

Artemis gripped weakly at the bodyguard's lapel and Butler caught sight of a very familiar left eye… The elder man frowned and the teenager finally slumped against him, unconsciousness.

Holly staggered shakily towards the wardrobe. Her tears were already drying on her face, the sound of her mother's tired last breaths fading from her immediate thoughts. She pressed her palms to the door's misty mirrors, hung her head and breathed.

Artemis should be near. He can't have got too far yet.

She groaned and slid to the floor.

A bit longer. Give me a minute and I'll move. Just a minute.

'Artemis…?' she whispered hopefully. 'Artemis?'

Nothing. The room was silent. The house was silent. She rocked her head back against the wardrobe doors. If she had truly believed Artemis would have stayed in this room, snatched the lemur from his younger self's grasp, and sunk immediately back into the time stream, then she wouldn't have come. She placed a hand over her heart and jammed her eyes shut.

Feel for him…

A strange heat flooded her left side. She felt a second, steady heartbeat, a sharp pain in her shoulder and her mind flooded with ghostly images about… stock investments?

Her eyes rolled. So he was alive and thinking about stock investments. Not in too much trouble then. She got to her feet and, for the first time, registered her reflection in the mirror.

'Oh, d'arvit,' she breathed.

She was a child. She couldn't be more than forty years old again, fifty at the most: a fresh-faced recruit just starting to rise through the ranks of the academy; still living at home with… She flinched as if physically struck.

It's all this thinking about mums. It's taken me back to how it was. How I was.

She gritted her teeth. It was in the past. Mum's life was lost long ago. It was Angeline Fowl's she should concentrate on now — hers and all the others who might soon fall victim to spelltrophy.

She flung open the wardrobe doors and began to rummage for something which would fit.

Downstairs, the doorbell rang.

'Sell the phonetix shares!' blurted Artemis.

He blinked once. Twice. His hands reached out blindly and he felt short-haired matting, a metal roof, a plastic bulb of some sort… He clicked it on.

So he had woken up in the boot of a car. A very spacious boot complete with air-conditioning and titanium reinforcement.

The Bentley.

'Well that really could not have gone worse,' he muttered, rolling over and squinting at the boot's clunky lock before deciding it definitely wasn't worth his effort.

Butler's younger face drifted to the forefront of his mind; his impatience as he had come across the naked intruder in his master's study; his anger as that same intruder had uttered his name. That forbidden first name…

Your memories are completely unreliable. You have no idea what could happen next.

He closed his eyes tightly and waited for an idea to spark. After two minute's solid thinking nothing had yet to occur to him. He jerked onto his back, inadvertently elbowing the curved metal of the wheel arch. He swore loudly, and continued to swear, until the boot lid swung suddenly upwards and he was greeted by a broadly grinning, immensely hairy face.

'Hey thar,' said the face. 'You ordered a timely rescue for this address?'

'Mulch,' he gasped.

The dwarf's grin grew.

Artemis clambered out of the boot, goosebumps erupting on his skin as he emerged into the cool night air. Mulch threw a small package in his direction.

'The note said to bring you some clothes,' said the dwarf, bringing out something tough and brown from a deep pocket and beginning to chew on it. 'Though I was expecting someone a little less lanky, what with Mud Men not supposed to be knowing about the People and being able to send them notes an' all…'

Artemis ripped open the bag. The gravel of the car park surface was cutting into the soft soles of his feet and, while most of his mind was marvelling at the solution to this latest mystery occurrence, he was still praying that a pair of shoes would be included in the bundle.

'But you don't care that I'm human,' observed Artemis, pulling out a striped shirt and yanking it over his head. 'You are still here.'

The dwarf shrugged. 'I'm less inclined to care with that incentive you gave me.'

'Which was?'

Mulch pulled the jerky from his mouth and jabbed a muddy finger in the direction of Artemis's chest. 'Hey now. Don't you back out on me, Mud Man. You promised me a reward if I sprung you. I've held up my part of this deal.'

Artemis unrolled a pair of dirt-packed dungarees and stepped swiftly into one leg. The cuff rose halfway up his shin. 'It seems to me that you are already at a disadvantage then, master dwarf.'

A pair of unhuman hands gripped about his ankles and Artemis was sent flying, bodily, back towards the boot. His head smacked hard against the rear wall, the lid slammed down on top of him and he was plunged back into darkness.

'Mulch!' he wheezed through the door, the air thrown from his lungs. 'Mulch Diggums do not leave me.'

'You're a Mud Man, Mud Man,' was the muffled reply. 'Why should I do anything you say?'

'Because you already have, Mulch. I found you, when you least expected it, and delivered your person directly to me. What's to say I couldn't do it again? What's to say that the next time you open a locked door there won't be something far nastier waiting on the other side?' Artemis waited a moment for this to sink in. 'I brought you here for a reason, Mulch.'

Even if I'm not quite sure what that reason is, thought the teenager, but didn't say that part out loud.

Mulch's voice drew nearer and Artemis knew he was speaking directly to the lock. 'And what's to say I don't like your reason, Mud Man? And as for popping up from behind locked doors, you won't be able to do any of that if I just kill you now.'

Artemis shifted his weight so he was facing Mulch. 'You are not a murderer, Mister Diggums. You are a thief. I am in need of your skills. Just one job and then you shall most assuredly get your reward.'

There was a pause.

'And why should I trust you?'

'You shouldn't.'

Another pause.

'I need help in stealing something. An animal.'

'From who?'

'From myself.'

The boot lid cranked open once more and Artemis squinted in the moonlight.

'Get your trousers on, Mud Man,' grunted the dwarf, his top lip twitching with dislike. 'My dwarf hairs are starting to tingle.'

As Butler followed his charge along the staff corridor of Rathdown Park's primate enclosure his thoughts drifted to the man in the red boxers.

'Surely you must recognise me?' he had said. 'I cannot look that different.'

Master Artemis had examined the unconscious intruder inside the Bentley's cavernous boot.

'And he was undressed when you discovered him?'

'Yes.'

'But you couldn't find a stitch of his clothing?'

'No.'

'Curious.' The little Artemis had straightened and adjusted his suit jacket. 'I believe your escaped mental patient theory may have some merit. But in that case, you expect him to have some sort of hospital wristband to identify him…'

Butler had phoned Juliet's Californian school the instant he had dumped the intruder's body in the pantry. The school's receptionist had connected him and, after Juliet had satisfied his frantic inquiries as to her safety and location, his little sister had jabbered on to him about some boy band called "N'Sink" and he'd hung up without another word.

So it wasn't Juliet who had told the intruder his name.

'You told me,' the man had said, 'in three years' time.'

And he had also asked about the lemur; the lemur Master Artemis had announced they would be stealing around half an hour after the intruder had been sedated. But Butler had not passed on that information either. For some reason, he had kept the entire kitchen conversation to himself.

I'll interrogate that stranger later, once this task is done.

'What a beast,' said Master Artemis, forcing Butler to concentrate on the mission to hand. 'Gorilla beringei beringei. First scientifically described by Doctor Thomas S. Savage in 1847.'

Butler followed his principal's line of vision, his eyebrows rising slightly as he caught sight of the gargantuan gorilla slumbering in its nest. 'Tell me we're not taking that with us as well.'

The 10-year-old chuckled. 'Another time perhaps...'

The gorilla grunted in its sleep.

The teenaged Artemis winced as the sound of churning, slopping and grinding muck tunnelled through his earpiece into his ear. Mulch should be over halfway to the enclosure, he deduced, his left hand gripping the stalk of some spare foliage he was hiding behind. He could just see Butler's shadow passing by the gorilla enclosure. His little self would be walking in front, probably delivering a lecture on primates…

Artemis jumped as his left hand touched something mysteriously wet. He was in an undignified position, crouched down with mud and God-only-knew-what-else soaking into his knees. But it smelt as if Mulch had pulled his dungarees from some form of compost heap prior to giving them to Artemis so it wasn't as if he could get them any dirtier.

Better than no trousers at all.

He looked back towards the lemur enclosure.

'Come on, Mulch,' he muttered. 'Let's get this over with.'

The cacophony of mud and digging cut off and Artemis heard the squelching snap of Mulch's jaw re-hinging.

'Keep your hair on Mud Man, I'm here.'

'And you are sure?'

Short as it was, Mulch's response still taught Artemis several new Gnommish words.

Butler pushed open the electronically-released door and little Artemis swept past him, nutrient sack at the ready.

'This should tempt it down,' said the boy over his shoulder. 'If not, you can shoot it. Try to avoid the skull.'

The bodyguard frowned. 'Shoot it?'

'I am not in the habit of repeating myself, Butler.'

The Silky Sifaka was clinging to a branch set high above the adjoining gorilla enclosure, its brown eyes wide and aware, surveying the two newcomers with open curiosity.

Artemis raised the nutrient bag towards it. 'Come here, creature,' he said, almost kindly. 'Come and have the nice treat.'

Yes, thought Butler, please do. Then we can finish this and I can get to the bottom of that mystery visitor.

Then the earth next door exploded.

Artemis watched Mulch rocket out the ground and ricochet off the roof of the gorilla cage with abject horror. His mouth gaped for a moment, his brain registering what had happened and why but still not ready to believe it.

And then something stirred in the trees across from where Mulch lay bleeding and unconscious.

Butler and Holly aren't here, his brain reminded him, yet again. You will need to use all of your brains, skill and cunning if you are to rescue this situation without incurring fatal injuries.

And with that, Artemis got to his feet, repeated one of his newly learnt Gnommish phrases, and sprinted towards the cage.

Butler had grabbed 10-year-old Artemis's collar the instant that thing had erupted from the floor of the gorilla cage. He was on the floor now, cupping the boy protectively beneath him. Through heavy breaths, he listened hard. There had been no more explosions, no aftershock… The bodyguard uncurled his head, keeping his arms firmly around the ten-year-old who was grumbling something about having dirtied his knees. Something was chirruping above them. Butler looked up to see the lemur jumping up and down in glee, using its long tail to swing and jerk from surrounding branches.

'What was that?' demanded Artemis tetchily from beneath him.

Butler got to his feet, his gun gripped in his right hand, his left pointing at the earth; a silent 'stay down'. His 10-year-old principal was apparently not familiar with the gesture.

'What is that?' asked the boy, already standing, curling his lip at the bloodied, muddied figure lying motionless on the floor of the next cage. 'What—'

Then a 200 pound mountain gorilla came roaring out of the bushes, effectively cutting Artemis's sentence short.

Another voice, higher, human, bellowed across the enclosure. 'Oi!' it screamed. 'You!'

Internally, Artemis slapped a palm to his forehead.

Externally, Artemis shouted again, waving his arms frantically above his head. He was over the moat now and inside the enclosure, mere metres from the dark-haired beast now advancing on Mulch.

Facts were flashing through his mind – top speeds, bite radiuses, arm strengths, weights: nothing that could really help him at that moment. His plan hinged completely on external reactions.

He dipped low and picked up a stone from the floor, hurling it at the gorilla's back. It missed by a number of feet but clanged off a metal feeding unit, still causing the animal to roar and turn its attention to the dishevelled figure behind it.

Come on, thought Artemis, glancing briefly past Mulch to the lemur cage. Please.

Then the teenager met the gorilla's black, depthless gaze.

Butler watched as the lanky-limbed man from earlier, who had apparently managed to find a pair of battered lederhosen to dress in as well as an escape route from the boot, charged into the gorilla cage bellowing at the top of his voice.

Lemur forgotten (for the moment), Artemis stood by his side, eyes narrowed incredulously. 'This is lunacy,' he breathed. 'What does he think he's doing?'

The intruder shouted again, grabbing a rock from the ground and throwing it at the gorilla. It missed by miles.

'His aim's as poor as yours,' said Butler weakly, still not really believing what he was seeing.

The 10-year-old shot him a look.

Next door, the gorilla was advancing on the intruder now, leaving behind the scruffy midget groaning into the dirt. It was stamping its fists and snorting viciously, preparing to charge as the stranger stumbled hurriedly backwards over the uneven ground.

'Oh dear,' said Artemis, as the intruder's expression switched from determined to slightly worried. 'As a punishment for breaking and entering I feel this might be a tad harsh…'

Butler took a step forward, his gun half raised.

If he dies—

The man tripped over a stone and landed hard on his rear. He gasped as the monster reared up in front of him.

'Somewhere quite local, Domovoi, I assure you.'

Butler glanced down at the young boy beside him. His principle's nose was wrinkled in preparation of what was bound to be a bloody and gruesome display.

'You told me yourself, in three years' time.'

Butler knelt, poked the muzzle of his rifle through the cage's mesh, and fired.

The dart hit the gorilla high in the shoulder.

Artemis's body flooded with relief. He gaze shot to the lemur cage next door, to the gigantic man with a rifle sight still raised to his eye. Then the gorilla reared, head swivelling towards the pain in its back, and Artemis had to snap his knees up to his chest to avoid being trampled.

You are not safe yet, warned his brain, and he twisted desperately onto his front.

He grabbed at the earth, trying to scramble away to safety on ill-coordinated hands and knees. The gorilla lumbered behind him, still howling.

Move. Move!

His blood was pounding it his ears. He was cursing himself for having placed himself in this position.

If you die here, Mother dies with you.

Artemis made the mistake of looking back and his mismatched eyes widened only to clench shut again as one the gorilla's clumsily flailing fists swung towards him. The blow was not at full force, but it was still enough to slam him sideways, sending him rolling and skidding into the brush – out of sight.

The gorilla was staggering, swaying like a drunken Dubliner on a heavy Saturday night. Its eyes rolled up in its dark head and, finally, it collapsed splay-limbed on the ground within a metre of the thing which had kicked off all the commotion in the first place.

The silence that followed was thick and tense. Ten-year-old Artemis was staring at the gorilla, his expression closed.

'Why,' he asked eventually. 'Why did you do that?'

Butler was about to answer when the scream of a police siren rudely interrupted him.

Oh God, thought Butler. Just what I need.

'Time to leave,' he said aloud.

'Not without the lemur,' insisted Artemis, speaking over the wailing that was growing steadily closer, and Butler knew that look and what it meant.

The bodyguard twisted and, with only a slight hesitation, shot a second dart into the lemur. The little creature's chittering cut off as it fell like a stone and landed, miraculously, in the little boy's outstretched arms.

'Now can we leave?' asked Butler politely.

Back at Fowl Manor, Holly had found an outfit relatively easily. She had unhooked what was presumably one of Artemis's first ever suits from the wardrobe rail and pulled it on. His little loafers fit her well enough, and after knocking down a box from atop the wardrobe, she had a found a neat woolly hat to pull over her ears – throwing aside a silver wig to get to it.

The doorbell had kept ringing as she had dressed. After making sure the hat was properly covering her ear tips, she had trotted down the main staircase and listened to the Mud Man voices outside the entrance.

'Hello?' a voice was calling in a heavy Dublin accent. 'Anyone home?'

'I say we break the door down,' said a second voice, lower, moodier.

'Have yah seen this door?'

Holly stood on tiptoes to reach the chain and dragged the door back.

Two men wearing matching dark hats and florescent jackets stared down at her. The one on the left, his cheeks pockmarked with old acne scars, smiled.

'Hello there, molly,' he said cheerily. 'We're from the garda. We had a call earlier about a disturbance…'

'Do you have transportation?' asked Holly, her voice hypnotic, her eyes wide and enchanting.

Artemis came to slowly. He felt battered, abused, like the day after the day after one of Butler's kettlebell workouts. His head was throbbing. His left side felt as if someone had taken a hammer to his ribs and played them like a xylophone.

'Artemis?' said a soft voice from above him. 'Artemis, can you hear me?'

His own voice was hoarse and croaky. 'Mother…?'

'Not quite.'

He opened one eye.

Holly Short was smiling grimly down at him. 'Hello, stranger.'

'Holly,' he gasped, jerking upright despite his body's protests. 'No. I can't be back in the present! I haven't got the lemur! I need the lemur!'

She pressed her hands to his shoulders. 'Calm, Artemis. You're not home yet.'

'Then why are you here? How–?'

'I followed you. Come on genius, keep up.'

She smiled at him again but he didn't smile back.

'You,' – he faltered – 'There's something different.'

'Looks like the time stream has messed with both our faces.'

Artemis just stared at her. 'You came,' he said. 'You came after me.'

The blood was thundering in his ears, his heart was threatening to leap out of his chest.

She laughed. 'Of course I did. You couldn't do without me.'

And, flushed with incredible relief, still not quite with it after his trial-by-gorilla, glad to be alive, not believing that this wasn't some dream brought on by a concussion, his head pushed forward and he pressed his lips to Holly Short's.

Butler forced himself to drive carefully. Artemis was on the back seat, still clutching the nutrient bag, the lemur trapped in a small cage beside him.

'I suppose that man will have been arrested,' said the 10-year-old, gazing out the window as they whipped along the fast lane of the M1. 'Providing he isn't dead, of course. The gorilla did manage a last blow.'

The bodyguard's fingers were gripping tightly to the steering wheel.

'Strange thing, though,' continued Artemis. 'I have just checked the boot's rear camera and that other man, the one who came out of the ground, seems to have been his accomplice.'

Butler glanced briefly back in the rear-view mirror and met his principal's cool gaze.

'They also took a few things from the glove compartment— nothing overly valuable. However, the security panel says that it was I who released the secret drawer.'

Butler indicated left, moving across to come off at the next junction. 'Strange,' he admitted.

'Hmm.'

They were quiet for the rest of the way to the airport.

Holly's thought process had become just one long exclamation mark.

'Er…Thank you…?' she said after a moment, her mind still largely incapable of coherent thought.

The teenager looked away, struggling to sit up properly. He wrapped an arm around his ribcage. 'Mulch was here,' he grunted, levering himself onto one elbow. 'He helped me but was injured in the process. Where–?'

Holly jerked her head towards the enclosure exit. 'In the car,' she said, glad to have something solid to focus on. 'I had to tackle him once he caught sight of me. He tried to escape, ranting about never trusting dirty Mud Men again… What's happened, Artemis?'

The teenager didn't answer. His brain was spinning. He felt, appropriately, like he'd just been smacked over the head by a gorilla.

She's come, he thought. She has come.

'You say you've got a car?' he said eventually, gathering his wits about him. 'I'll explain once we're in it.'

Let's be honest, the conversation in the next chapter is going to be so much fun the other way around.

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