RATING: R (Girl-Cougar/Jensen)
WARNING: Gender!Swap with "always a girl" Cougar, sexual discrimination in the military, homophobia, bigoted terms/words, pottymouth language
DISCLAIMER: Diggle and Jock own the Losers. DC/Vertigo owns the movie. They'd all probably be horrified over what I'm doing to poor Cougar.
STORY SUMMARY: Assumptions and misunderstandings nearly ruin something that might not even be there in the first place.
An Unlikely Couple
A Carla!verse Story
"Hey Cougar!"
Carla Alvarez flopped down on the bench next to Private Jake Jensen and arched an eyebrow at him questioningly.
"Cougar?"
Jake smirked, "Well…you are a wildcat in a fight."
Cougar reached up to tuck a lock of shiny black hair behind her ear and smirked back at him. It was the truth, after all.
"…plus, you know, you are rockin' that whole older woman thing."
Carla feigned outrage. "Older!? Only by three months!"
Jake nodded sagely. "Exactly. You're practically decrepit."
She gaped at him for a moment and he broke into chuckles.
"Fuck you, asshole." She punched him in the arm.
He flinched back and grabbed his arm whining, "Cougar, be gentle!"
She snorted. Jake could be such a wimp at times. Then she remembered what she wanted to talk to him about and slumped back on the bench, glaring out at the world. Sighing, Jensen slumped next to her and fiddled with his cell phone.
After a long moment he said, "So…what's got your panties in a twist?"
Carla scowled. "Colonel Coleman called me a bull dyke to my face."
Jensen froze and then slowly turned on the bench to gape at Carla in horror.
"Is Coleman givin' you a Dishonorable on a DADT charge?!"
Carla blinked in shock.
"Um…no."
Jensen nearly melted in relief.
"Oh. Okay then."
It was Carla's turn to gape.
"Okay? Coleman called me a dyke! How is that okay?"
Jensen shrugged. "Who cares if he called you a dyke so long as he doesn't have you bounced out of the Army for it."
Carla stared at him, confused. Then that confusion turned to understanding and that gave way to genuine hurt.
"You think I'm a lesbian?"
Jensen flashed her a 'duh' look and nodded, "Carla…I'm your best friend. We hang out together all the time. I've never seen you ogle a single man ever, but I have seen you ogle lots of women. Hell, we've sat around rating their racks together…so yeah, I pretty much figured you for a lesbian."
Then he frowned. "Why?"
Hurt swiftly turned to rage and frustration; some of it aimed at herself and some of it aimed at Jake.
"Why?!" Her voice was becoming a shrill shriek, but she didn't care. "Because I thought we were dating you ass! I thought you were just too nervous and shy to make a move on me, you prick!"
Curling her hand into a fist, Carla hit Jake in the nose hard enough to break it. Yelling, he grabbed his face and dropped backwards off the bench.
"FUCK!"
Growling, Carla jumped off the bench before she turned and stomped off.
"Carla…"
Carla took a deep breath to help her push down her towering rage and frustration before turning to face one of her least liked barrack mates. Amber Fletcher stood there in a bra and panties with her hair wrapped up in a towel, a frown turning down her plump bottom lip.
"Look, I know we've never been the best of friends…" Amber began.
Carla snorted at the understatement. Amber was the girliest girly-girl to ever enlist in the Army and Carla was likely the biggest tom-boy. They had nothing in common and saw very little eye-to-eye.
Amber flashed a glare at her snort and Carla sighed before she gestured for Amber to continue. After a beat, Amber nodded.
"Right. Well, despite that we're not really friends, you still stepped up and beat down that asshole who didn't know the meaning of the word 'no' for me."
Carla smirked at the memory. Marie Lopez and Lucy Stedman had dragged her along to the club with the rest of the barracks. She hadn't expected to enjoy herself at such a loud meat-market, but then that pendejo had started to harass Amber when she wouldn't dance with him. Bored out of her mind, Carla had decided to take offense on Amber's behalf and punched the hijo de puta right in the face breaking his nose. The brawl that followed had done wonders to cheer Carla up.
"De nada," Carla waved her actions off, "I enjoyed it."
Amber rolled her eyes and shrugged. Carla couldn't help but watch the way her breasts jiggled at the movement.
"Whatever. Still, I owe you one."
Carla arched an eyebrow, waiting to see how Amber planned to pay the debt. Cocking her hip, Amber looked right at Carla, her expression serious and oddly compassionate.
"So…it's no secret that you want to be assigned to a combat team, maybe even take Special Forces training." Amber waved a hand behind her to take in the whole barracks. "None of the ladies here would argue that out of all of us, you're the best suited for that."
Lips pressed together in irritation at such a touchy subject, Carla nodded. Amber sighed.
"The truth you need to accept is; that's never gonna happen. The US Army is NOT gonna send a female out with a combat team, let alone to Special Forces. I'm sorry, but that's just how it is. To get what you want you either have to change a policy that's older than the country itself or spontaneously turn into a man."
Carla blinked at Amber, her eyes watery at hearing her barrack mate repeat what a colonel had just told her out at the firing ranger earlier today.
She wouldn't cry…she wouldn't.
With a sigh, Amber shuffled over and plopped down on Carla's bunk and pulled her down next to her. Amber's arm came up around Carla's shoulders and pulled her in tight. Carla stiffened up for a second, but then with a sad sigh she relaxed and leaned again Amber.
"I'm sorry."
Carla wasn't sure exactly what Amber was sorry for, but she said, "I know," and rested her head on the other woman's shoulder. They sat there for a moment; one woman offering comfort and the other sucking it up.
"Look," Amber said, "We all agree that you belong on the front no matter what some ancient misogynistic General thinks. We're all willing to help you; you just have to figure out what you want to do when you get there."
"Que?"
Amber rolled her eyes and gave Carla a little shake.
"There are women on the front lines, you know? Just not on combat teams."
Sighing in frustration, Carla pulled away and stood up. She began to pace.
"And do what? Kitchen duty? Laundry?" Her voice was a sarcastic snarl. "Un bonito juguete para los hombres?"
Amber stood up and rolled her eyes again. "I know you were, like, born with a male brain or something, but could you at least try not to be an asshole?"
Carla glared at her, "Should I be a bitch instead?"
Amber smirked. "Exactly." Then she sighed and shook her head.
"Seriously, Carla, you'd make a great Search and Rescue pilot or a trauma nurse. "You got the guts and you aren't afraid of blood."
Amber shrugged and turned to walk off.
"Think about it, okay?"
Carla frowned out the window and thought over her day. First Colonel Coleman, then Jake, and even Amber had made comments about her being a lesbian. Yeah, she was a bit of a tom-boy, but she'd never even kissed another woman.
So, why would they think she was a dyke? Did she give off gay vibes?
Yeah, okay…she did like to watch the ladies with Jay. She even liked flirting with 'em at the bars…but it's never gone beyond that.
Maybe it was because she wanted to be a part of a combat team? She was a great shot with all sorts of guns, pretty kickass in a fist fight, could run like the wind and climb like a monkey. She didn't exactly follow typical gender stereotypes and she was proud of it, but did that mean everyone saw her as a lesbian?
Sighing, Carla turned away from the window and flopped onto her bunk. Normally when she needed to figure stuff out she went to Jake, but this time he was part of the problem.
Jake accosted her in the Mess Hall. He grabbed her by the arm and tried to drag her out of the line for chow. She dug her feet in and leaned back, refusing to be moved.
"Carla, please…" Jake seemed genuinely upset, "We need to talk, but not here."
Carla scowled at him, but Jake pulled out his best kicked puppy expression and she gave in…like always. Rolling her eyes, she let him pull her away. As he led her through the Mess, she overheard two privates talking about them.
"What's with the terrible twosome?" one asked.
The other shrugged, "Lover's spat?"
The first one snorted, "How can a dyke and a fag have a lover's spat?"
The second guy just shrugged, but Jake's shoulders tensed up so she knew he had heard them as well. She wondered how much of that was true and what it would mean to their friendship which was only hanging on by a thread.
Jake led her out of the Mess, across the street and then turned to head towards the park they played ball in. When they got there, he took her over to the bleachers and plopped down. He patted the spot next to him and after a slight hesitation, she sat down too.
"So, tell me," she said trying to keep the anger out of her voice, "is that how everyone sees us? The dyke and the fag?"
Jake winced.
"I see."
The moment was tense. Her hands were curled into fists and Jake's jaw was clenched so tight he was in danger of cracking a tooth.
"Is it true? You like men?" Carla swallowed hard, "Is that why you don't like me that way?"
Jake turned stricken blue eyes on her.
"I do like you that way, Carla…I just never thought I had a chance," He shrugged, looking awkward and uncomfortable, "so I never tried."
"Oh."
"I never meant to hurt you." He bit his bottom lip. "Forgive me?"
Instead of answering, she asked her own question. "So…they were wrong and you don't like guys?"
Jake winced again.
"It's…complicated."
Carla grew still and then turned a stern look on him.
"I deserve to know."
Jake looked at her for a long moment and she thought that maybe he wouldn't explain that last comment, when he slumped down and nodded.
"Fine."
He looked away, embarrassed.
"I like girls. I always have," he sighed, "but girls don't like me back. They never have."
He barked out a laugh that was all about pain and humiliation, but had nothing to do with joy or humor.
"Can you blame 'em?" He held out his arms and gestured to his too tall, too thin frame and his face with the oversized glasses. "I'm a skinny four-eyed computer geek with limited social skills and no money or rank."
He turned his head to catch her eyes, "I've never even kissed a girl before."
Then he turned away again and looked out across the park; his fair skin burning red with humiliation.
"I did have some friends in high school, though. A handful of hackers and gamers just as geeky and awkward as me. I don't think any of us ever so much as had a girl look at us unless they needed tutored or a computer set up."
He shrugged.
"One of the guys, Tim, he was oh so very gay. Loud and proud. He convinced us all to let him practice giving blowjobs on us." Jake smirked. "None of us really argued against that, 'cause, hello…blowjobs."
Carla snorted and Jake flashed her a sheepish grin.
"Yeah, yeah. I know. What guy would turn down a blow?"
His grin faded and he shrugged again.
"I'm not selfish and Tim was a good friend…so, I offered to reciprocate."
He blushed dark red and looked down, his shoulders hunched over.
"Yeah?" she kept her voice soft, non-accusatory.
He nodded, fiddled with the seam in his BDU's.
"Yeah." He glanced up at her and then looked away again. "It was…good. I enjoyed it. I…I…I mean, yeah I liked getting blown and…and, uh, all…but I, uh, also liked…uh…"
Jake's face was so dark red that Carla thought he might pass out. She took pity on him.
"You liked giving him head too."
Jake sucked in a huge shuddery breath, then let it out in a big sigh and nodded.
"Yeah."
Carla nodded.
"He was your boyfriend."
"No…well, yeah. Only…not?"
She snorted.
He laughed a shaky little laugh.
"I told you it was complicated."
She nodded and then looked up at him, considering.
"And you still like girls? Still like me?"
Jake grew still and turned his head to look at her, his expression vulnerable and sincere.
"Yes. I like girls and I really like you." He sighed. "I just never considered the idea that you might like me back."
Carla swallowed hard and then slowly she reached out and tangled her fingers with Jake's. He looked down, stunned, at her hand holding his. His head snapped up to stare at her incredulously.
"I…" she shrugged, "I never kissed a girl either."
Jake gaped at her for a moment and then he chuckled and tightened his hand around hers.