One Short
I do not own NCIS.
It had nothing to do with her.
Every night, he dreamed of lying next to her, his skin on hers. He could live with her snoring, the gun she kept under the pillow, as long as she was his.
But he couldn't do that to her.
And he couldn't put himself through it. Not again.
They lived dangerous lives, and it wasn't fair that the job they loved could kill either one of them each day they came to work. He knew how close he had come himself. Some nights all he could remember was the blue lights through the delirious haze while in isolation. Some days, it was all he could do to stop seeing her face instead of hers.
His Kate.
Lying there.
On the rooftop.
Sometimes with a smile on her face, other times in a pool of blood.
Not a day went by he could forget. His nights were haunted by her face. She appeared in dreams, slowly decaying, pieces of flesh falling off her body. The bullet flying through her head over and over.
It killed him too, because he loved her. He never told her, which was the worst thing. She died not knowing how much she meant to him. But maybe that was a blessing, for if he told her, they may have taken things further.
He knew he had gone too far with Ziva.
It was so hard to not replace Ziva with Kate in his mind, at first. She teased him in much the same way, responded to his jokes how she did. It was impossible not to see Kate standing before him again. It all sort of snowballed when they were undercover.
He never meant to let that happen again. He swore to stay away. Just, she meant a lot to him too. By the end, he had truly fallen for Miss David, not some sick fantasy in his mind of his former team mate.
He couldn't do that to her. He didn't want her to have to deal with what he went through. That's what he told himself. But he knew inside that it was self preservation too. He didn't want the emotional attachment that he had with Kate. Because one day, silky black hair would start to hide the decaying flesh dropping from the catholic school girl uniform. One day he would stop seeing Kate, and start seeing Ziva.
Leaving her behind in Israel was the hardest thing he ever did, but if you love someone, you let them go.