How Not to Woo Matsumoto.

Author's notes.

I could have sworn I saw a picture of Marvel comics death as a flesh blood woman with an uncanny resemblance to Rangiku. I can't find the picture and I'm beginning to think I imagined it.

This story was written without the benefit of beta. Apologies for any and all mistakes.

This is a one-shot. I can't emphasis that enough. If someone feels inspired by this to pick up where I left off, be my guest. Just send me a PM if you do, I'd certainly like to read it.

I guess this is what you would call a crack-fic. And more than a little OOC.

Disclaimer: Thanos and the characters of Bleach belong to their respective owners and are being used without their permission. This story is meant for entertainment purposes and no money is being made from it.

~ O~

Roses of every color of the rainbow filled Captain Hitsugaya's office to capacity, spilled out in the corridor until it seemed every nook and cranny of squad 10's barracks were filled to bursting. It was nearly impossible to get from one place to the other without being pricked by a multitude of thorns. And the sickly sweet scent clung to everything and everyone.

And every single one of these roses were intended for Lieutenant Matsumoto.

"I'd like to to build a time machine, go back and skin whoever invented Valentine's day alive," Hitsugaya grumbled as cleared flowers from his desk, a vein in his forehead twitched with barely suppressed rage. "Then I'd freeze him, and then I'd find the tallest building, shove him off, and watch as he shattered into a million pieces."

"That seems a little harsh Captain," his Lieutenant replied with nervous laugh. She didn't like that borderline psychotic look in his eyes. "It's just a silly holiday after all."

"Silly holiday? Arbor day is a silly holiday. Earth day is a silly holiday. Saint Patrick's day is a – "

"Don't even go there Captain. St Patrick's day is a sacred holiday! And for you to even suggest that it's a silly holiday hurts my very soul!"

Toshiro rolled his eyes and took a seat at his flower free desk. "My point still stands and so doesn't my death threat. Valentine's is not silly, it's a vile, evil day," he said with a shudder. "Babies in diapers should not be playing with bows and arrows! And your boyfriend needs to knock it off with these presents."

"He's not my boyfriend!"

"Tell him that."

Now it was Rangiku's turn to shudder. "No way. Unless you forgot what happened the last time I turned him down."

Captain Hitsugaya paused his writing and a distant look came over his face as he searched his memory. Suddenly his eyes bugged out.

"Exactly. Thanos destroyed an entire galaxy just to impress me," she said in somber tone. "He thinks I'm playing hard to get, but I'm not. I just don't like him, he's creepy."

Right and Gin was perfectly normal, and wasn't the least bit creepy or murderous, Captain Hitsugaya thought. He then sighed. "I know. For once in your lifetime, your not to blame for the mess you're in."

"Gee thanks sir."

Hitsugaya ignored her sarcastic reply. "There has to be some way to make him to leave you alone though."

"I could pretend I'm a lesbian. I'm certain Nanao would play along."

"I'm certain her captain would just love that, besides didn't you already try that?"

"Oh yeah," she replied after a moments thought. "It was a lovely funeral, you gave a very moving eulogy. Maybe if I could get myself a really powerful boyfriend . . ."

"No," Captain Hitsugaya didn't like the look in her eyes. Her gaze made him think of a cat stalking a bird.

"But, you don't even know what I was going to say. How can say no?"

"Because I know you. Which means I have the unenviable ability of being able to predict whatever harebrained plan is floating through your skull. Besides you already tried that. Remember? Akira? Had his arms ripped off and nearly shoved down his throat? Ring a bell?"

"That's right. I remember now. That was also a nice eulogy you gave for him, you ever think of going into the eulogy business?"

"No, no I haven't," Toshiro deadpanned.

"Oh," she paused for a moment. "Hey did you know Thanos is trying to get the gems to the Infinity Gauntlet? He wants the power to kill every living being in the universe and present their souls to me as a tribute. That sounds like an awful lot of paperwork."

If Captain Hitsugaya was drinking a glass of water he would have done a very comical spit-take upon hearing this. "No! No I did not know about this!" Captain Hitsugaya had to fight the almost overpowering urge to beat his head against his desk. "The whole universe is in danger, and you're just telling me about this now! You need to get your priorities straight, woman! And for the record, I would be doing all the paperwork."

"I didn't mention this to you before?" she asked innocently. One would think she had forgotten to get milk as opposed to informing her captain about the pending demise of the universe. "Hey, maybe those Revengers could help."

"You mean the Avengers. And the answer is no. They're super-powered humans, but they're still human."

"Thor isn't. He's a god, boy is he a god."

"Focus, Lieutenant! And wipe that drool off your desk, it's undignified. We need to start thinking of how we're going to stop Thanos."

"Awww, you do care."

"I don't care about your stupid love life! I just don't want to get stuck with all that paperwork! I mean all those innocent people, we can't let them die." A large sweat-drop appeared on his head at his slip-up.

Rangiku quirked at eyebrow. "Now who's priorities are messed up."

With a growl, Captain Hitsugaya got up from his seat and made way to his Lieutenant's desk. "Think woman! We need a plan! The whole universe's fate is in our hands!"

The room became deathly quiet as the enormity of the situation hit them. "Captain?"

"Yeah?"

"We're screwed, aren't we?"

" . . . . probably."