It wasn't obvious, Peeta thought to himself one morning. Or maybe he'd just done a good job hiding it, was his next thought as he stared at Katniss lying peacefully next to him. He hadn't slept for a single minute, as always. He thought that was what hurt him the most - not being able to escape himself. And while he could temporarily push the thoughts away from him while he was working at the bakery, or eating dinner with Katniss, when there was nothing but darkness and silence was when his thoughts were the darkest.
He was just so tired. No matter how hard he tried to swim upwards, he couldn't find the surface. He was eternally drowning, his strength waning as the days progressed.
But he managed to put on a brave face, because as his eldest brother told him when he confided his feelings, "You'll get over it. Just get out of bed, how hard could that be?" And he knew if he called out sick one day, there would be no incentive to get out of bed the next. And from there, his life would spiral down.
And he knew he couldn't let that happen. Peeta had to play the role of fun younger brother, loving boyfriend, successful adult. Those descriptions are what he had been reduced to, and he couldn't - no wouldn't - let them get away from him. It was all he had left.
He willed himself out of bed, using half his energy to swing his legs over the side and the other half to force himself not to cry before entering the shower, where his cries could be easily disguised.
He blindly fumbled with the temperature of the shower - first making himself freeze before scalding hot water came out, burning him. He left it. Peeta had a weird relationship with pain. They were not strangers, first meeting at age 5 with his mother. They became more familiar as he grew up, his whole family turning a blind eye. At some point in time, he began inflicting the pain upon himself - it seemed easier to invite it rather than wait for it to show up unplanned. Pain took a vacation when he moved out of his parents house at 18. Peeta attributed it to freedom from his mother and tormenting brothers, allowing him to become the person he was when he met Katniss Everdeen.
They'd dated for six months when pain visited him unexpectedly, silently creeping up on him the same way Katniss did. As he fell deeper and deeper in love with her, the more his feelings of inadequacy and insecurity rose to the surface. How could I ever deserve her? He asked himself every day, whether he was watching her sleep, helping her study, or listening to her laugh at her own jokes.
Stepping out of the shower when his skin felt red and raw, he toweled off. He brought clothes from his dresser into the bathroom, dressing in the darkness, too ashamed to face his body. It made him feel even more pathetic, not being able to look at the body he himself had personally destroyed.
He attempted to move through the room quietly, his hand on the doorknob when he heard rustling in the bed behind him. "Peeta?" Her sleepy voice called out. A surge of sadness rushed through him at the sound of her voice.
"Yeah babe?" He responded, hoping his voice wouldn't crack.
"I love you. Have a good day at work." He heard her put her head back on her pillow, and wrap herself up in the sheets.
"I love you too," he whispered back. He was sure she was already fast asleep - it was only 5 am, and she didn't have to wake up for work until 8. Peeta swallowed hard as he closed the door, his adams apple bobbing up and down.
His mother always told him that boys don't cry, and had always beat him whenever he did anyway. He figures thats where he learned to suffer in silence; around age 13 he realized if he didn't cry she wouldn't hurt him as much. With the cloud of unhappiness surrounding him, suffocating him, anything, even just a warm smile from a stranger could set him off.
Grabbing his bag and putting on his boots, coat, hat and gloves, Peeta exited his New York City apartment, bracing himself for the cool December weather.
The wind stung him regardless, turning his nose pink as soon as he stepped out the door. It didn't help that it was pitch black outside, the street lights still on. He started his trek to the subway, looking down with his hands in his pockets. He secretly wished he would get hit by a car, or that someone would randomly come up to him and shoot him dead. He was just looking for a way to escape the bleak existence called life without having to do it himself.
Not that he hadn't tried before.
He looked both ways before crossing the street, thinking of the one reason he hadn't already ended his life.
Katniss.
Her olive skin, dark braid, and smiling face was like an outstretched arm in the water. Trying to pull him out, and help him reach the surface, but being slightly out of his grasp. Peeta was sure she had no idea the extent of his unhappiness - she was working and going to school part-time. When she did some home, it was either late or she was exhausted. While Peeta missed spending time with his girlfriend, he was grateful she never had a chance to see him in his real state. The last time they had made love was a littles less than a month ago, with Peeta's sex-drive declining along with his state of mind. It had been short, cold, and unpleasant.
Katniss rushed through the door, checking the time on her watch. It was 9:30, an hour after she had told Peeta she would be home for dinner. She spotted a cooling soup on the stove and a plate full of food in the microwave. "Shit, shit, shit," she whispered. This time, she knew she had fucked up. Their bedroom door was closed, a sign that Peeta was not eagerly waiting for her arrival. Hanging up her coat and kicking off her shoes, she hurried to the door, quietly knocking. "Peeta?" She said quietly, not wanting to disturb him if he was asleep. Katniss was surprised to see Peeta sitting on the bed, reading a book. He silently looked at her.
"Did you not hear me come in the door?" She asked, taking off a sweater.
"I did." The tone of his voice was not sharp, but something that Katniss thought was closer to disappointment. He went back to reading his book.
She started to unbutton her shirt and undo her pants, leaving her in just her undergarments. "Babe, I'm so sorry I'm late. I know, I said that last week, but I really mean it. And I'm going to show you how really sorry I am," she said as she took the book out of his hands, forcing him to look at her.
Usually when she was near naked, he couldn't keep his hands or mouth off of her. This time, he just looked at her blankly as she got up and straddled him. He put his hands on her shoulders, pushing her off of him and onto the bed. "It's ok Katniss. You don't have to show me, I believe you." He attempted a smile, but it came off as forced.
She stroked his chest underneath his undershirt with one hand, and rested the other on his crotch, refusing to give up. "I just want to make you feel good Peeta," she mumbled into his shoulder.
He sighed deeply, becoming angry at himself as his own body betrayed him. Katniss took his rising penis as a sign to continue, pulling his boxers down to his knees before spitting in her hand. As she firmly grasped him, he involuntarily let out a large moan. "Katniss," he hissed, dragging out the s at the end. After pumping him up and down experimenting with speed and grip, she took him fully into her mouth.
Peeta looked down at her bobbing head, hating himself for not enjoying it. How did he deserve this? A wonderful girlfriend who gives him "I'm sorry," blowjobs because she was late for dinner, how could he compare with that? All he could think about was the sadness and pain that coursed through his fingertips.
Katniss sat up with a smile, wiping saliva off her chin. "I want you to finish inside of me," she whispered huskily. She unhooked her bra herself - he hadn't moved his hands from his sides, not having enough energy to undo her braid like he always did during sex.
Wiggling out of her underwear, she held his chin and looked him in the eye as she positioned herself on top of his erect penis. "You ok?" She asked, concerned.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just do it," he said, refusing to meet her gaze. He closed his eyes as she sunk down on him, both of them releasing loud moans. He rested his hands on her hips as she bounced up and down.
"Oh god," she moaned, rubbing herself. She bent her neck to kiss him, but he turned his cheek, ignoring her hurt expression.
He made no attempt to last very long, his jerks becoming erratic quickly. "I'm coming," he said, moving her hips up and down more quickly. She rode him through his orgasm, nowhere as close as he was. She eventually slowed her movements, climbing off of him.
"Oh, um, I could help you fin-" he offered awkwardly, still sitting upright.
Katniss stared at him with her mouth wide open, in shock from what just happened. "N-n-no. I'm good," she stuttered, before swallowing deeply.
She pulled the top-sheet off the bed, covering herself up as she walked to the attached bathroom. Katniss usually loved the way his eyes trailed over her naked body, but at this moment, there was nothing she wanted less. She locked the bathroom door behind her. Peeta soon heard the shower run, and along with it, her loud cries.
Wiping himself up with his boxers, he yelled at himself internally. Why couldn't he appreciate anything? What the fuck was wrong with him? He pinched his thigh until skin broke and it started to bleed. He sighed at the slight relief from his anxiety as he did it again, quickly wiping up any blood.
He pretended to be asleep when Katniss emerged from the bathroom. She slid silently into bed, facing away from Peeta. She didn't sleep much that night either, waking in the middle of the night shaking from a nightmare. The next morning, she found herself wrapped in his arms as usual. They never spoke about it, pretending as if it never happened.
Peeta ducked into the subway, attempting to push the thoughts out of his head. Instead, he chose to pre-occupy himself with flashbacks of every embarrassing thing he'd ever done in his life. He grabbed a support beam firmly when the train came in the station, the train tracks looking all too appealing at the moment. If he just walked over the edge, it could all be over in a matter of seconds. All his problems solved, all memories forgotten, all anxiety calmed with a couple of steps. He congratulated himself on the small victory of survival when he stepped on the train and the doors closed behind him.
He arrived in Lower Manhattan from Brooklyn before 5:30, opening his bakery and cafe uniquely titled "Mellark's" at 5:45. The store didn't open until 8, but all the bread and baked goods were baked fresh each morning, and somebody had to do it.
As he hung his jacket up and put on his apron, Peeta went on auto-pilot. Baking bread for him was almost as normal as breathing, something he had learning from a very young age. His mother had protested, saying baking was for women.
Abraham Mellark always dreamed of opening his own bakery, but never got around to it. His parents had forced him into a successful job he didn't like, and he was not about to do the same. Thats why when Peeta got out of business school three years ago, he decided to open a bakery in hopes of pleasing his father.
His dad died the year after it opened, an aggressive form of cancer quickly claiming his life. While his mother and brothers seemed unfazed, Peeta has always been really close with his father.
The day passed on in a blur, his co-workers coming in around 7, and customers around 8. Peeta stayed in the back the whole day, focusing on making and frosting the baked goods, his only interruption coming at lunch time. He became increasingly distracted as the day went on, his condescending mind growing louder and louder.
He walked out of the kitchen, interrupting Finnick with a customer.
"Hey Boss!" He said, turning his attention to Peeta, who was fully dressed in his jacket, gloves, scarf and hat.
"Hey Finnick, I hope you don't mind if I leave a little early. It's about 6 pm right now, you can hold the fort down for two hours right?"
"You bet I can! Go home to your hot girlfriend, you've been spending way too many long nights here." Finnick joked, hitting Peeta on the back.
"Thanks," he managed to get out as he sent Finnick a half smile.
Peeta didn't always skip out on work when he was feeling shitty, but after spending the past 2 weeks working on a huge wedding cake he had put in enough overtime to compensate. Anyway, he trusted Finnick to keep the whole place from burning down.
After a long, crowded, train ride home, Peeta found himself in front of his apartment door. He was actually looking forward to a night alone while Katniss was out at work - it gave him time to get drunk and pass out with out her disappointed stares.
Flicking on the light, he jumped at the sight of the person sitting at their dining table. "Katniss?" He said with surprise. "What are you doing here? Why are you sitting in the dark?" She silently took a sip from a mug.
"Take off your jacket, we need to talk." Her tone wasn't accusing or angry, but Peeta's heartbeat sped up anyway. Every time she talked to him he was afraid that she would finally realize that he was a worthless, ungrateful, piece of shit, and leave him. He obliged regardless, taking off his shoes and hanging up his jacket. He took a seat across from her, grabbing her hand. She refused to meet his eye, but didn't pull her hand away.
"Is everything ok? Did something happen to Prim?" He asked, concerned.
"Yeah, no, Prim is fine. Everyone is fine."
"Then what's the problem? Katniss you're scaring me," he pleaded.
"I'm not fine, actually." Peeta's heart started to beat so loud, he was sure she could hear it. This is it, he told himself. She's finally breaking up with me. She paused, taking a sip of what he now saw was water before continuing. "Actually Peeta," she moved her hand out of his. "I'm pregnant."
She finally looked him in the eye, trying to gage his reaction. He stared at her blankly, trying to process what she just said. Pregnant? He thought.
"Is it mine?" He blurted out, without consideration of his words.
Katniss looked at him dumb-foundedly. "Are you fucking kidding me Peeta?" She shouted in disbelief. "We've been dating for three years, living together for two and you fucking ask me if it's yours? Of course it it!"
Then it hit him at full force - Katniss was pregnant, with his baby. That meant he was going to be a father. He was going to have to be fully responsible for another human being on this planet. And that terrified him. "No, no, no," he whispered, pushing his chair away from the table and standing up. "No, Katniss. I can't do that."
"No?" She said, tears forming at the corner of her eyes. She wrapped her hands around herself. "I thought - I thought you would be happy. Do you not want me to keep it?"
"No Katniss!" He shouted, and she flinched. "Jesus Christ I can't have a fucking child, are you crazy?" He yelled, walking around in circles. The demons inside of him started to shout louder and louder as he thought about it. All the feelings that had been numbed, were slowly coming back at full force. She slowly inched back, moving closer to the wall and away from him.
"Peeta, please can you calm down," She pleaded through tears, wiping them with the back of her hand.
"No! We're going to get that fucking thing out of you right now." He grabbed her arm, but she resisted.
"Peeta why are you so angry? It's not evil, it's a combination of both of us." The tears continued to stream down her face. At her words, he suddenly turned around and swiped everything off the dining table, the mug shattering and water pouring everywhere.
"Thats the fucking point!" He shouted. "It's half of you, and half of me. I can't do that to a child; let alone take care of one." He stormed around the room, picking up and throwing down anything he could get his hands on.
"Peeta, you're scaring me. Calm down and we can talk," she whimpered, trying to meet his eyes.
"Katniss! There is nothing to talk about. You can't bring a child into the world if you want to blow your fucking brains out every second of the fucking day."
Katniss stopped whimpering, the whole room becoming still. Peeta slid down against a wall, holding his head in his hands and muttering. She held a hand over her open mouth, the whole room spinning underneath her. "Peeta," she said, any fear she had before gone as she walked towards him.
He refused to lift his head up to respond or even look at her. "There, I said it. Every morning I wake up, I wish I hadn't. I use all my strength in the mornings to get out of bed. I'm barely hanging on," he admitted.
"Oh my god," she whispered, the tears coming back at full force. "Peeta... Please don't say that. Please. Please. Please. Please," she begged, wrapping her arms around his large body. "Oh God, I'll do anything, just please, don't do anything to yourself. I can't lose you."
"You can't lose me? I live in fear every day that you'll finally realize who I really am," He said, looking back up at her. Tears were running down his face too, dripping down onto his shirt. "A worthless, piece of shit."
Katniss cried harder, listening to him call himself those names. "Please don't ever say that about yourself. You are the best thing that has ever happened in my life, I thought you knew that. I never told you this, but after I brought you home for Christmas my step-dad told me, 'You could live a hundred lifetimes and never deserve him.' He was obviously right - I didn't realize the love of my fucking life wanted to end his!" Her wails got louder, Peeta eventually pulling her into a tight embrace.
"Every day, my mother reminded me of how I wasn't worth anything to her. She hit me." Katniss flinched at the words - while she knew he didn't have a good relationship with his mom, he always managed to redirect the conversation. "She hit me, and I never said a goddamned thing. I just took it like the fucking pussy I am. I can't do that to my child. I can't, I can't I just can't."
"You won't have to, Peeta. Have you not realized you are nothing like her? You are kind, sweet, loving. You would never hurt anybody, I know that."
"And I redirect all my anger into hating myself. Since when is that a desirable trait in a father?" He held out his arms and rolled up his sleeves, revealing his scarred arms. Some of them healed, some of them new. There were a plethora of burns from when he "accidentally" burned himself taking out baked goods from the oven.
Katniss gasped again, burying her face into his chest. "Peeta, if it's me making you do this to yourself... I'm not worth it. I promise you, I am not worth it. Please Peeta, I will do anything if it means you will never hurt yourself ever again. I don't care if that means I can never see you ever again, or that I'll have this baby all by myself. Please," she pleaded. "I want you to love yourself as much as I do." He clung onto her tighter. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she whispered repeatedly into his ear.
"Please don't cry, babe, don't cry. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's ok, I'm fine, you're fine, we'll all be fine." He chanted, unsure if he was convincing her or himself.
"Remember last Easter?" She choked out between soft cries. "When we decided we were in this for the long run? That was the best day of my life, only in contest with every other day I spend with you. When I took the pregnancy tests this morning and 3 out of 5 of them said pregnant, I was ecstatic. While it was obviously not planned, I thought that any creation that was part you, part Peeta Mellark, couldn't be a mistake. But now, I'm seeing how much I was just caught up in my own life, and I'm not too sure anymore. Seeing you hurt yourself like that, hurts me. It hurts me so much more than I could even describe. But if you could put on a brave face and fool everyone, I think that says something about you. Continuing your life when you want to end it is the strongest thing anyone could ever do, and I am so, so proud of you."
"I don't want to feel this way anymore, Katniss." He said, shaking his head. "I've been putting off getting help because I thought if you found out, you'd leave me. But hearing you right now... I don't think anyone has ever loved me as much as you do. I want to see someone, I want to get better. For you, for this baby or the one we might have in 10 years." His hands caressed her stomach.
"I love you so much Peeta, I can't even describe how much strength you have."
Sitting on the floor crying with his girlfriend, Peeta had never felt stronger. For the first time in a long time, Peeta never realized how close the surface was. He wasn't out of the water - far from it - he knew that for sure. But at least he could tell the difference between swimming and drowning.