NARUTO Pairings for Dummies

by Egg Destroyer 9000

This is a PARODY. Say it with me. P-A-R-O-D-Y. You DON'T have to read it. Don't like my opinions? THEN DON'T READ. There's such thing as a back button. Make use of it. Warning: Contains my insane humor and rants against several common pairings. One-shot.

NARUTO Pairings for Dummies

I claim NO ownership of NARUTO or the "…for Dummies" books.

THIS IS A PARODY AND NOTHING MORE. DO NOT TAKE THIS FANFIC SERIOUSLY. This was requested on dA by Nejiten3. I will not take part in any pairing wars. Go flame somewhere else. Unkind comments will be erased. Constructive criticism accepted. A back button exists. Make use of it. Don't like my OPINION on OCxCanon or incest? GTFO then.

Is this fic starting yet? What? You say turn around? GET YOUR OWN DAMN BAGEL! What? It started and my audience is staring at me like I'm on crack? Oops.

Hi everyone reading this! You can call me Yamato and welcome to NARUTO Pairings for Dummies!

NARUTO, for everyone who doesn't know, is an anime. If you don't know what anime is, in short it's Japanese cartoons with better art than normal cartoons. NARUTO is currently the most popular (and still ongoing) anime.

Pairings

There are many pairings, both popular and "crack," or random, pairings. Many are popular such as: NaruSaku, NaruHina, NejiTen, SasuSaku, SasuNaru/NaruSasu, OCxCanon, Uchihacest, etc.

When using a same-sex pairing, the one who "tops" in the relationship usually has their name written first. Please, when writing same-sex fanfics, DO NOT write "yaoi" or "yuri" in the summary when the people are only KISSING. That's called Shounen-ai (boys) or Shoujo-ai. (girls) Yaoi and yuri are actually when the people do…inappropriate things.

People also like to pair up the bijuu with each other/their jinchuuriki. How is this possible? Most of the bijuu (minus Kyuubi of course) are currently being used by Madara. Therefore it is not realistic to pair them up with each other. How can Kyuubi even be paired with Naruto? Kyuubi's sealed inside Naruto's mind. That's not even possible. O_O I don't even want to go there.

Ah SasuNaru/NaruSasu…easily the most popular pairing with yaoi fangirls of NARUTO. It consists of…Uchiha Sasuke and Uzumaki Naruto. I'm guessing that usually stories say they're best friends/rivals who start to feel something more for each other. Yawn. Be original! My opinion on SasuNaru is…meh. I guess I could see it happening. It seems to me like Naruto's obsession of finding and saving Sasuke goes juuuuust beyond friendship…if you know what I mean.

NaruSaku used to be my favorite pairing…until I decided that the World's Biggest Bitch deserves to be Forever Alone. Naruto has canon feelings for her though. He always used to ask her out but she would bash him cruelly and turn him down, when just a simple "no thanks" would have been enough. What a heartless bitch! She lied to him and told him that she gave up on the Emo Bastard (*cough Sasuke cough*) and liked him (Naruto) now. *buzzer sound* WRONG. You lie Bitch. You don't love Naruto; you love the fact that he's in love with you. This pairing probably has the highest likelihood of occurring.

NaruHina bugs me. Hinata spent the entire first season STALKING Naruto. O_O seriously. She would follow him around without speaking and when he noticed her, she would try to hide behind the nearest pole when he turned around and blush like crazy. STALKER STALKER STALKER! Oops, looks like I forgot to shut my Stalker Alarm off! *throws pineapple at alarm to shut it up* That's better. ^_^ Anyways, Hinata finally grows a backbone during the skipped over-3-year-long period between SHIPPUUDEN and the first season. She gave up her creepy habit of stalking him, thankfully. She finally confessed her feelings for him but he gently turned her down.

SasuSaku is a BIG no-no for me, as it will never happen. Sasuke may be a despicable, emo, bastard but at least he doesn't date fangirls. The thing that made my day was in the MARUTO SHIPPUUDEN episode where Duck-Butt (his hair looks like a duck's ass) tried to kill her. That made me cheer but, unfortunately, Naruto just HAD to show up at the exact perfect time and safe the unworthy, and not to mention STILL USELESS, bitch's ass AGAIN. Fangirls, GET THIS THROUGH YOUR HEADS: SASUKE DOESN'T DATE FANGIRLS. Even Ino is better than Sakura! SasuSaku has no chance of even becoming canon. At all. Fangirls=dangerous. Sakura is the most irritating fangirl of Sasuke's.

NejiTen is cute! It is comprised of Hyuuga Neji and Tenten. This pairing actually could happen. It has a high chance of being canon. In canon, it is inferred that Tenten has a crush on Neji, but Neji's feelings towards Tenten are unknown. One of the few pairings that makes sense.

OCxCanon: NO. GTFO. Fans will never get their wish of being with their favorite character. Shipping yourself with an anime character just makes you seem stupid, or like a weaboo. Oh wait, that's the same thing. Oops. It also scares normal fans away from shows. That's why some people don't like Hetalia, because it has a large, rabid, (mostly yaoi) fan base. The rabid fans scare away normal people who might have liked the anime. Wanna know the lesson from this? Of COURSE you do! It's simple: Don't ship yourself or an OC with a canon character. If you pair your OC (usually a self-insert if you pair the OC with YOUR favorite characters) with multiple characters, your OC turns into a Mary-Sue Attention Whore *cough AOME! cough*

Incestual Pairings such a Hyuugacest or Uchihacest: Hell no. GTFO NOW please. Incest is disgusting, not to mention ILLEGAL in many places. Family is family and NOTHING ELSE. Not to mention, most incestual pairings have ABSOLUTELY NO CHANCE of happening. Now incest fans (*cough SICKOS! cough*), before you go, "What about the twins from Ouran?" remember that Ouran is a PARODY anime that PARODIES different genres. One of the PARODIES they do is a PARODY of incest, in other words, it makes fun of incest.

BijuuxJinchuuriki: Who's the sick fuck that came up with this? This pairing is so messed up it's not even funny. Seriously, the bijuu are sealed INSIDE their MINDS. How would this pairing even work? If you consider that the bijuu don't especially like being contained, nor do they enjoy the company of their jinchuuriki, you would realize that this pairing would never work.

JiraiyaxTsunade: This actually could've happened, considering Jiraiya's feelings for Tsunade mirror Naruto's for Sakura. Unfortunately for Tsunade, Jiraiya's dead. Tsunade even told the bitch, "Don't make the same mistake I did. Let him love you. Learn from my mistake." Actually, Tsunade may have eventually grown feelings for Jiraiya.

ShikaTema: Shikamaru and Temari make a cute pairing. They also have a chance of being canon. In the first episode of NARUTO SHIPPUUDEN, Naruto asked if they were dating yet, to which Shikamaru stuttered and Temari yelled "Of course not!" Both were blushing if I remember correctly. I think they both like each other.

II. Love-Triangles

These are a big part of the romance/drama in NARUTO. Many include Jiraiya/Tsunade/Orochimaru (yes, Tsunade used to have a crush on Orochimaru, the elite genius of their team), mirrored in a creepy way by Kakashi's Team 7, back when it was Naruto/Sakura/Sasuke.

There's also Naruto/Sakura/Lee back from the Chuunin Exams of the first season. Sakura was creeped out by the size of Lee's eyebrows, and Lee declared himself Naruto's rival for Sakura's attention. Currently in SHIPPUUDEN, Lee seems to have moved on.

Is Team 7 cursed or something? Doesn't anyone else find it even REMOTELY creepy that Team 7 turned out like a mini version of the Sannin that trained him/her? Ex: Sasuke like Orochimaru, Naruto like Jiraiya, and Sakura like Tsunade.

III. Unrequited Love

This is everywhere in NARUTO. And I do mean everywhere, even between filler characters that are of no importance what-so-ever.

Some examples of unrequited love is:

-Naruto-Sakura: Do I really have to explain this? It's pretty much the whole point of him allowing her to treat him like shit.

-Sakura-Sasuke: Merely a crush. She never truly loved him. She merely forced herself to like him for the sake of fitting in. She ruined her friendship with Ino over this douche of a guy. What a waste of a friendship.

-Ino-Sasuke: Another fangirl crushing on her douche idol. Lame. She ruined her friendship with Sakura because of him? WHY? He's NOT worthy.

-Hinata-Naruto: No shit Sherlock. Why else would she creep on him pretty much all the time during the first season? It's not like he has anything worth stealing. (A/N: Other than the Kyuubi and his virginity *shot and bricked by Naruto*)

-Jiraiya-Tsunade: His feelings for her are much like those of Naruto's for Sakura. When he dies, she regrets the fact that she rejected him all the time.

-Tenten-Neji?: Pretty much inferable. Tenten always wants to help Neji out, but he's completely indifferent to her. He kinda takes advantage of her helping him train.

-Chouji-Ino: Another pairing that you have to infer. She was pretty rude to him during the first season because of her fangirl crush on Sasuke. He was always kind to her though.

Finally done! 1490 words and 5 pages! O_O I must be a Hopeless Romantic to have written this…I hope you like it NejiTen3! ^_^