After
"I felt her absence. It was like waking up one day with no teeth in your mouth. You wouldn't need to run to the mirror to know they were gone"
― James Dashner, The Scorch Trials
He felt blood trickling down his hands. Hot, thick and scarlet. He didn't care. He punched the wall again, and covered the sterling white surface with a mess of red.
He screwed his eyes shut, punching it yet again. By now, the skin on his hands was either ripped or bruised.
But the physical pain was nowhere near the emotional pain.
The door creaked open, and Farkle timidly walked in.
"You shouldn't have done that."
A scowl appeared on Lucas's face. "It's my room. I can do whatever the hell I want."
Farkle looked around his room, as if noticing it for the first time. His eyes landed on the broken chair, the upside-down cupboard, and the messed up bed. "I wasn't talking about your room." He sighed. "I was talking about this morning."
Lucas's eyes darkened. He backed up a little, furiously wiping away the tears. His face was covered in red stains afterwards.
"It was your fault." He muttered, sliding down with his back against the wall. He sat there, defeated.
Farkle shook his head. "I beg to differ. Zay and I were only trying to contain you, keep you from trouble. Not that it mattered in the end, anyways."
His lips trembled as he remembered what had happened this morning.
He didn't want to go, but he couldn't live with himself if he didn't see her one last time.
The funeral procession was even worse that he imagined. It had been raining all morning and the ground was wet. Some people were carrying umbrellas.
The first person he noticed was Maya- crying softly on Josh's shoulder. She wouldn't even look at him. Then he saw Cory and Topanga. Cory was still as shocked as he had been when he first heard the news. Topanga was sobbing into a tissue.
Riley's Uncle Eric was also here. He sat on a small hill not far away from the casket; his hand on Auggie's back as he tried to console him.
Auggie's hair was a mess, and his shirt was inside out. He looked so broken. Nothing a little kid should have ever experienced.
The funeral procession had already started, and Zay and Farkle came and stood next to him. Zay flashed him a small, sympathetic smile, even though his eyes were wet and glossy.
Angry tears made their way down Lucas's face. Nausea swirled unrestrained in his empty stomach.
No. He couldn't lose her like this. He wouldn't.
The anger and the heartache combined into one. He was still in denial. "I have to see her." He whispered.
He took a step forward, but Zay's hand came down on his arm. "Stop." He said, his voice heavy with sadness. "She's gone."
"No!" He screamed at him. A few heads turned around in his direction. Farkle tried stopping him too, but in the end, his fought them both, and ran to her.
He would have gasped at the sight if his chest wasn't so heavy. Riley's skin was pale, her lips rosy in contrast. She lay still, almost as if she was sleeping peacefully.
"I'm sorry." He whispered, "I'm sorry for everything." He was sobbing now, not able to control himself. "Please come back, Riles. I need you."
Everyone except the priest looked shell-shocked. He placed a hand on his shoulder. "She's in a better place now." He said.
Lucas stared at the old man. "I don't want her to leave me."
"She's with you. In spirit."
"But I don't want her to—"
A voice cut him off. "Mr. Friar." Said Cory, coming towards him. Instead of continuing, he engulfed him in a hug.
"It's time." Said the priest. Soon, the casket was lowered into the ground, despite Lucas's cries of protest.
He sank to his knees, not being able to stand anymore. With every breath he took, his grief only surged. Warm tears made their way down his cheek and mixed with the raindrops until he couldn't tell the difference.
"Why can't we all stay the same? Why do things have to change?"
"I wish we could stay young forever."
"Compared to the stars, we're not even specs of dust."
Her words rang through Lucas's mind. Would she have said the same things if she knew what was going to happen? Would he have tried harder?
Compared to the stars, they were not even specs of dust. For the first time in his life, Lucas actually pondered upon that sentence.
At first, he chose to disagree, obviously. Every individual made his own choices in life, which in turn, helped the universe grow. See, his choices weren't only his choices- they affected everybody. Everything.
But what if your life was taken away too soon?
Lucas stayed there for God knows how long. Most people eventually left. Until it was only her parents, her brother and her friends.
He felt a slight tug on his shirt. Auggie was looking up at him. His resemblance to Riley almost made Lucas shiver.
"She's looking down upon us now, isn't she?" asked Auggie, wiping his eyes. Lucas nodded slowly. "Would she have wanted this?"
Lucas stood up. Auggie's words were true.
By now, both of them were soaking wet. But he didn't care.
. . .
"I need some space." He found himself saying to Farkle.
Farkle nodded. "Of course. You know where to find me."
Once he was gone, Lucas stood up on shaking knees. The windows rattled as thunder shook outside.
He found his legs taking him towards the back porch. This place had way too many memories. Like their first kiss, in the pouring rain.
"Rain is beautiful. Why do people think it's sad?"
Nothing had changed. Not the weather, not the surroundings, not his feelings towards her. Except Riley, of course. She wasn't here, anymore.
"Things are going to get better. I promise." He remembered saying to her. Fresh tears kissed his cheeks. They turned red, mixing with the blood on his face.
He closed his eyes for a moment and tried to breathe.
When he opened them again, she was in front of him. The same Riley who smiled through all the sadness. The same Riley who had helped him bring his life back on track, even though it was supposed to be the other way around. The same Riley who had brought a smile on his face every day. The same Riley he loved.
Her smile made his heart beat faster. Her eyes were warm and enticing as she looked up to him.
Without saying anything, she reached up and wiped the tears off his face. He wanted to say something, but his words caught in his throat.
Then, he blinked, and she was gone.
And the tears were still wet on his face.